I don't know how to help my mum. Please help?

[choccy]

2 words that worked for me with SS.
'Crisis Situation'

On reading your post, its evident to me that your parents are in a 'crisis situation'.
I hope you get the help and support you all need quickly.
X

 

[MissisT]

Don't be misled by the 'of course I can cope for another year' remark as I suspect your Mum had been very cheered by the visit from the lovely GP. She still needs your help so don't leave it any longer.
Just my opinion. I was enormously cheered about half an hour ago by working out how to turn my phone back on after the battery was drained and it appeared to be dead - strange people, us carers.

 

[palmik]

Irecognise all of this

When we reached this stage and Dad became agressive it was taken out of our hands. Dad was whisked into hospital for 9 weeks for assessment and was not allowed home. I remember Dad's CPN saying your Mum will go downhill one the caree is removed and this is what has happened. We now have Dad in a Dementia registered home and mum about half a mile away in a care home. We have had to sell their bungalow to fund this. In my experience you get very little advice or guidance and you soon learn to 'man up' because your parents become your children and it's the same feeling. We lurch from one crises to another still. SW vary we were very lucky with Dad's but Mums was a bully. I have become a bit of a tyrant. One thing keep a record of who you speak to, when and what you are told when dealing with various 'bodies'. I have quite a large book. This prooved very useful when appealing to the DWP over Pension Credit payments and solicitors from hell. You have a long road ahead of you but you will be fine. One day at a time!! Lots of love X

 

[WaitForMe]

MissisT - I think you've hit the nail on the head with that. I went over there last night as mum had managed to drop her mobile phone behind the radiator and couldn't get it out (carers and their mobiles aye!) and I think the cheeriness brought on by the doctors visit had started to wear off.

It was just so sad. My dad was standing there making suggestions as he knew something had to be done, but he didn't know what or why. I retrieved the phone, mum was so pleased (my mum is always surprised that a woman can do this stuff ) I got in the car and burst into tears.

The doctor has prescribed anti-psychotics for my dad.....

Choccy and Palmik - thank you for the good advice, and I will definitely start recording all of this in a book, I'm so appreciative to have so much help. I know it's early days and I dread the journey ahead of us.

 

[gillieb]

Put it in writing

I am very sorry to read all the distress you and your Mum have encountered as a result of your Dad's illness. You have had lots of helpful advice. It doesn't sound as though you are getting much support from SS who are probably overworked or don't understand the full extent of the problem.

I always find it helpful to put everything in writing. Write with a history of what has happened re your phone calls etc, be very specific about your Dad's illness and behaviour and make a specific request for a place in a care home/ another assessment for your Mum. Whatever you require put it in writing in a factual, measured way. Send it to a named manager at Social Services and send a copy to your parents' GP. Send both by recorded delivery so you can prove receipt. Ask for a response by a certain date. Three weeks would be plenty of time for a reply. Make notes of the dates and times of all phone calls and meetings. They may be useful to you later on if you need to argue a point or prove neglect. If you don't get a satisfactory response write another letter to the next manager up the chain or the Head of Social Services. It's wearing but don't give up.
GOOD LUCK.

 

[nightowl]

I haven't been on here for many months, my caring ended in April, but that doesn't stop me from being angry with the system.

I just had to look after my mum, she'd been widowed a long time. She came to live with us, she sold her house and used some of the money to build an extra room and bathroom on our house, so she was looked after very well and we had her breathing problems under control. She became really difficult, but no-one ever suggested dementia. She was hallucinating and I contacted the doctor again. She was seen by a geriatric psychiatrist who diagnosed vascular dementia. Change was rapid after that. In March the hallucinations were so severe that the psychiatrist gave her anti-psychotics. Nobody thought she was too ill to be at home with us - or with me, as I took everything that was being thrown around. After two of those tablets - and two-out-of hours doctor's visits, the tablets made her very ill and she was admitted to hospital. She knew me that night. The next day she was a changed personality. The hospital started the process - I had no say in anything - to move her to a home for the mentally infirm. I consulted solicitors because her living accommodation was now part of my house and it was complicated. Eventually she fell in the hospital, broke her hip and died 20 days later. She never got to the home. In September I tried to resume my part time teaching career. By November I was diagnosed with angina and I'm now either resting or in A&E. I was warned 7 years ago that the carer suffered more than the caree and the stress I suffered in the last few months of mum's life was unbearable.

Why have I told you my story? When it gets too much for you, you really do have to let go. Your father needs expert help - in some ways perhaps I was lucky, that stage was reached by my mother when she was admitted to hospital but I knew, that next day, that she could never come home. She could not be looked after at home and I could not let my family be destroyed any more by her illness and I had to tell the social workers that she could not come home - but then the hospital told me that they would never allow her home anyway. Because the cost of a care home was likely to affect us and no-one could give us a difinitive answer, that was the last straw for my health because there was a chance that it would affect my own family who had coped with so much already. Anyway, your father needs expert help. Maybe, or maybe not, you could help your mother afterwards - I don't know your circumstances and I would never presume to suggest either way.

Please take out of this whatever you need and ignore the rest. I only want you to know that you sometimes have to let go to protect yourself and your own family. It isn't necessarily true that your mum will go downhill, life may work differently for you all, but I suspect that she can't look after your father any more. Good luck.

 

[Welsh Colleen]

I'm sorry to hear of all you are going through. Getting GOOD help can be difficult but you just have to stay strong and keep going. My Mum had Dementia and was in care for several years. The guilt does get easier, but we all have it. My Dad looked after Mum for as long as he could (he had Cancer at the end) He reached the stage of not being able to cope, and Mum went to respite care, she thought she was going on holiday, it had to be done! When she came back, Dad managed 24 hours before ringing me in tears as he said he came close to hitting her.
SS took her into emergency care, after lots of pressure from me, and from there she went into a hospital unit for assessment. It was lovely so don't be put off by that option for your Dad. Mum had other health problems so it took a while for the correct care plan to be agreed. She was very happy there, and once Dad & I found a home (SS paid) Dad died, it was as if he had done what he needed.
Mum stayed in the hospital until we were sorted and then she moved. She didn't settle and we moved her again, to be nearer us. She was moved once more as that home didn't provide the level of care we felt she needed, and we felt we needed her moved quickly. Her last home was perfect and the care and love shown lasted until her recent death. My brothers and myself feel we did all we could and kept the pressure on the relevant authorities to ensure Mum had the best care and life possible. Its hard to do but there is lots of support there, your local Alzheimers Society are always a good start. They helped me so much, taking on the 'bad' home and moving her to her last home, which was her 'home'.
The forum have given lots of help on the money side, and all good points.
I wish you and your Mum & Dad well. My heart goes out to you

 

[tinribs]

my lovely mum and dad

Waitforme - so sorry that you are going through this without your siblings support - I have been through very similar and dont think I could have coped without my two sisters and brother as we have all shared the load.
My Dad 83 has vascular dementia and my Mum of 84 has cared for him at home until a fortnight ago. We have pushed for all the support that we could get for them both and had carers going in twice daily and Dad was supposed to attend day centre twice a week but because he could react badly to outsiders and refuse to co-operate it really just ended up being more stressful for Mum because she was left to cope with his bad moods when the carers left.
Although not generally aggressive Dad could lash out when carers were trying to get him to do things that he didnt want to do. He has had several spells of respite to give Mum a bit of a break but we had got to the point that he needed 24 hour care - becoming almost nocturnal and wandering the house all night - and one person just cant provide that level of support. My sisters and brother and I did what we could to help but none live close to my parents so the situation was becoming more and more worrying. After 60 happy years of marriage it was heartbreaking to see them parted and we are all still coming to terms with the situation - Mum is still feeling guilty that she couldn't carry on "till death us do part" but it wasn't just the physical side of caring for Dad, which was hard enough, but the emotional strain 24 hours a day 7 days a week that finally made her accept the inevitable.
Just today I was sitting with her and trying to reason with her that Dad is being well cared for and completely happy in his new home and that we can visit often and take him out for walks in the summer months, but we had a few tears and I dont think she will be truly happy again - she only seems to come alive when we visit Dad. His face lights up when he sees Mum and they hold hands like teenagers and he is constantly kissing her hand.
Please be strong for your Mum and help her to come to terms with the situation -I know that my Mum feels so guilty that Dad is now in a care home but I think that he has the easy part - totally unaware of what is happening - its the rest of us whose hearts are breaking. Good luck and take care of yourself

 

[jannstan]

anti psychotics- beware

MissisT - I think you've hit the nail on the head with that. I went over there last night as mum had managed to drop her mobile phone behind the radiator and couldn't get it out (carers and their mobiles aye!) and I think the cheeriness brought on by the doctors visit had started to wear off.

It was just so sad. My dad was standing there making suggestions as he knew something had to be done, but he didn't know what or why. I retrieved the phone, mum was so pleased (my mum is always surprised that a woman can do this stuff ) I got in the car and burst into tears.

The doctor has prescribed anti-psychotics for my dad.....

Choccy and Palmik - thank you for the good advice, and I will definitely start recording all of this in a book, I'm so appreciative to have so much help. I know it's early days and I dread the journey ahead of us.

Hi Just read all the threads and think that you have been given really good advice. My concern though is that your GP is prescribing anti psychotics for your Dad. I would urge you to check all the side effects of the drug prescribed. My mother was on aripiprozal for about five months and was eventually admitted to hospital( she was living in a care home) suffering with dehydration and a weight loss of two stone. The anti-pyschotics were stopped and she made a slow recovery. It was only when I was in Florida on holidays, months after this, that i saw an advert for aripiprozal( which was advertised for mental health problems). They gave one of the side affects as difficulty in swallowing, which my mother had, thus causing her to stop eating and drinking, which caused the weight loss and the dehydration. I had checked the side effects on the UK sites and not one of the sites gave difficulty in swallowing as a side effect. So once again please check on the drugs prescribed so that you are aware of what to look for. My mother is eating well now and has not needed anti-psychotics since, she was only put on them when she was in hospital (before she went into a care home) so that she would be practically immobile and quiet. Regards to you and it does get easier when everything that you need is in place.

 

[Nasus]

Another little thought.

I just wanted to give you every support with SS. I also wanted to suggest one more thing which has been really helpful for my Dad who has dementia.
When his brother in law had dementia about ten years ago he decided to appoint me as his Attorney so that he had someone he could trust if his health deteriorated ( enduring power of attorney then, but now lasting power of attorney). This has been really helpful as his condition deteriorates and has meant I can assist in managing any financial matters as well as acting for him with NHS/ SS/ Mental health teams and caring organisations.
In your case I would highly recommend that your mother arranges to appoint power of attorney to yourself, just in case she goes downhill fast and there is a need to help her. It is obviously too late for your father as he will be deemed not to have sufficient capacity to decide what should happen ( but you must still be consulted over everything as at present). The benefit of LPA is that you can explain matters to various authorities ( banks, carers etc) and they are obliged to take your voice as speaking for the person concerned. Perhaps look at the separate streams on this website to see what you can do yourself if there is not much cash available in the family. I think you do need a solicitor to sign the document as being prepared properly but templates are available. It will take time to prioritise all these things so if you cannot manage it just do the essential top of the list one day at a time.
I wish you every good luck with coping with your 'lost' father and in helping to save and support your mother.
xx

 

[mightymyrtle]

Keep going if possible ask sw for email address. My wife did and now bombards him with questions, follow ups, examples of at risk, whats been happening, im going to have a breakdown etc etc. All the advise on here works. We had a breakthrough ourselves today. Putting things in writing and emails even following up phone calls with emails summarising whats been said. Its hard work but you are doing the right thing get good and mad and things will happen. We have been bugging GP, SW and CPN twice daily, last week we didnt even have a SW or CPN. Your doing the right thing listen to people here you know its the right thing really.
Good luck stay strong and picture your mum happy and out of this situation!
x

 

[marisarose]

re choosing a nursing home

hi there, just wanted to say that you won't be forced into a particular nursing home. My Mum didn't own her own home but we were able to look at about eight homes in the area before we finally decided on a suitable one (there were some awful ones as you can imagine). However, though we ended up putting Mum in a beautiful, modern home which had a lounge and dining room on each floor - the actual care was not good - always only the minimum staff on duty and they just couldn't cope, especially when Mum broke her second hip (due to them not leaving her zimmer frame next to her so she forgot she couldn't walk!) and she had to be hoisted in and out of bed, on to the toilet etc. which takes time. I would say the question to ask is 'what ratio of care staff do they have for each resident, and are they trained in dementia care?' Hope this helps. Linda

 

[Tello]

A piece of advice from someone who has been through the same experience

Hello everyone, I'm new on here and after sitting and reading through some of the posts that I thought might be relevant and help me, I have decided to write my own post in the desperate hope that someone will help me to think straight.

I'm the youngest of 5 children and live the closest to my mum and dad. My sisters offer no advice or practical help, as sadly most of us don't talk to each other. Over the years we have become a family torn apart by various arguments. My dad is now 81 and has Alzheimer's and since his diagnosis in 2006 my mum has been caring for him. In 2009 my mum had breast cancer and has been in pretty poor and frail health ever since. Dad spent three days in respite care then and we were shocked at how bad he was - and so were social services as when he had been assessed, my mum had given a rather optimistic version of his capabilities.

Mum is now 80, tiny and frail, my dad is 6 ft and completely healthy. I worry that one angry outburst will badly injure my mum. With the help of social services, we tried to get dad into day respite care in March this year, but after his trial day (which we took him to and he loved!) he point blank refused to get on the mini-bus when it arrived and the distress it caused and the anger my mum then had to cope with, means that we have given up on 'outside help'. Since then my poor mum has coped amazingly well, asks for little help and just gets on with things. But recently she has started to tell me about my dad and the extent of his behaviour - he constantly sees people in the house, shouts and swears at her, doen't let her watch the tv, isn't washing and is now leaving the house late at night to 'go home'. This is really worrying because my mum is in no way physically capable of going after him. I know she doesn't want him to go into a home - I think she sees it as failing - but I also know that she doesn't think she can cope much longer and is emotional, teary and upset and this is not like my mum, she is such a tough cookie.

I think my mum has come to terms with the fact that she won't be able to care for my dad much longer and that he will need to go into a home very soon. I have told her I will do everything for her and she doesn't have to worry but I just don't know what to do. Having read some of the threads on here it seems like a minefield and I don't have any faith in social services. Mum and dad own their own little home - it is their only asset - and my mum wants to stay there but I'm not even sure if this will be financially possible? How do we go about finding a care home and do I have to leave it to social services, as I worry they will put him somewhere that is far away and not as nice....? How on earth do we pay the care home fees without selling their home?

I'm sorry to write such a long post, I just don't know what to do, or how to help my mum. She has such poor quality of life and it just seems so unfair that she has to cope with all of this. If anyone can offer any advice on what I can do next or who to contact, I would be so grateful, thank you.

I was very touched to read your long and deeply felt letter and I recognized so much about your parents. My husband was also diagnosed in 2006 and coped quite well for a long time. I teach part-time and decided from the beginning to keep teaching, partly in order to see other people but also to earn some money. I employed a lovely girl to take my husband out those two days when I was teaching and since he had a taxi card by then they used to go to various parks in London where we Live or to museums. They both had a good time and I felt relieved to have some hours to myself. This arrangement went on for about two years an after that I filled in all those pages in order to get direct payment - which you should definitely try for. It took a long time but he was granted - or rather I was granted some money to spend on his carers. Because my private carer was only allowed to work ten hours a week (she is from South America) I had to employ people from various agencies as well, and that was not always great, but at least he was looked after a few hours now and then and I could get on with my life a bit. Towards the end of 2010 my husband suddenly got very aggressive and that was so unlike him and it could be quite frightening. LIke your father my husband is six foot tall and I am just over five foot so he is a lot stronger than me. I had been asking for some respite for some time but for some reason it never happened and on New Year's Eve 2010 he suddenly lost it, screamed and seized me by the wrist, dragged me round the living-room, wouldn't let go, pulled me towards the balcony. I had two of my grandchildren staying with me that evening and the oldest, who was twelve at the time, rang the police because he got so frightened. Doubly sad since he adored his grandfather. It ended horribly with the police taking him away and he was put in a psychiatric ward at the nearest hospital. I spent the next two months desperately looking for a care home and with the help of the Alzheimers Society I got a list of care homes which specialize in Alzheimers disease and challenging behaviour. I now wish he had gone into a home before those terrible months in a psychiatric ward which were a nightmare for the whole family.
Your mother will not need to leave her house. I am still in our flat which we own together. They will assess your father according to his pension and will deduct a certain percentage from that. If he has more than £20,000 (or possibly £25,000, I can't remember which ) in his own name they will take that as well into consideration.
My husband went on being terribly aggressive for about four months. After that he was given something to calm him down but it also made him dizzy so he had a lot of falls. Now he is very calm, very unwrinkled, unworried but he can't walk, stand by himself, go to the toilet, talk properly or eat without being fed. I go to see him every day for about three hours or more and even if it sounds odd to an outsider, we have a good three hours together. He borrows my iPod and listens to classical music. Before I leave in the evening I always put a new CD on for him and I bring in fruit, smoothies and some sweets.
Believe me, I sympathise with you and especially your mum. Funnily enough, I also got cancer in 2007 and had to have my kidney removed. My husband was not really aware of my situation.
Now I know that he is safe and even though my thoughts are always with him and I see him practically every day I have a life of my own as well. I am a little younger than your mother, by the way. It is twelve years between my husband and me. Don't postpone the care home too long. People are trained to deal with these situations and your mother will be able to give your father more support if he leaves home.
My very best wishes,
Tello

 

[AJG]

Hello,
I felt compelled to leave a post as, like so many others, this sounded so familiar! My parents are younger (early 70s) but my dad also has dementia and my mum was going through breast cancer treatment at around the time of the diagnosis. They live nearby so I was able to give lots of support and moved in with them for the best part of a year. Like your mum, my mum put a brave face on it but things became progressively worse with dad becoming more and more aggressive and agitated to the extent that mum would go out of the house for a walk at ten o'clock at night or lock herself in the garage. I generally ended up driving round there on a mercy mission to try and calm my dad down and get mum back in the house. I also spoke to the doctor but, whilst he was very nice and sympathetic, he seemed unable to do anything to help. One day their cleaner (we'd organised this to help mum whilst she was ill) was round there when dad had one of his tantrums and saw how bad things were first hand. She marched to the GPs and demanded that someone came to the house to help. It was horrific at the time as dad ended up being sectioned and taken that day to a ward for assessment and it felt awful and he just deteriorated massively and it was so terrible to see but, in retrospect it was the best thing to happen. He ended up on better medication and it is now rare that he shows such aggression, and he went from the hospital into a really brilliant home. He is now a real pleasure to spend time with and has a quality of life instead of trying to carry on as normal at home and feeling constantly frustrated. He is much happier, mum is much happier (she's joined all sorts of social groups and now enjoys visiting dad and taking him for walks!) and, from a selfish point of view, I can now sleep at night and have my life back. I guess what I want to say is sometimes something better comes out of the crisis and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

It took someone else to help us out and demand action but there is no reason why you can't do this. I wish you all the best and really hope that things do start to improve soon and that you begin to see light at the end of the tunnel - there was a time when I didn't think that was possible but then it came! Stay strong.

 

[zoflora]

Don't give up

Hi, I read your thread and my heart went out to you. It has been a year ago this month that my mum went into a care home. My dad died suddenly 10 months before my mum went into a home and we had a care package for her with carers going in 4 times a day after he died.
My dear mum started to wander at night and I live 140 miles away. Social services arranged for her to go into respite but she never went back home. The home she is in is lovely. Modern, clean, they have activities and whilst it took mum a while to settle she seems very contented. The staff are lovely with her and look after her very well. I looked at the care quality commission reports on the homes I visited and this helped.

We had to sell the house to provide the funding for her care but she is soon to reach the £23,000 level so I guess SS will pay the fees.

You need to ask for an assessment that is your first step. Try and take one step at a time. Not all nursing homes are bad and you will know when you start to visit what is good and not. You will also have the peace of mind knowing that your dad is being looked after by professional people and who knows your mum may get a second wind of life.

When you start to go down this path it can be very scary and emotionally draining but you really have to think of the long term for your dad and your mum.

 

[Buddy]

Keep strong

It is really hard but you have to keep strong, its really a role reversal where you become the parent and have to decide what is best for everyone. As others have said emphasising the words risk and vunerable are important and finding a good professional to support you and understands how you are feeling. Your GP definately sounds like a good start.
One tip for choosing a Care Home is to do an unannouced visit just call in and you will quickly get a feel of the place. CQC reports don't necessarily give you a true picture.
Good luck

 

[bubblegum40]

Answers to your questions

Hi I recently had to put my father into a care hone due to him having mild dementia and mobility problems. I fought for over a month to get any help after me and my family cared for dad at home 24hrs a day. Social services were actually very helpful once we held our hands up and said we could not cope and that it would be unsafe to have dad at home because there was no one to care for him. You will feel selfish and guilty for saying it but you have to be able to provide the right care for your dad without putting your own health at risk. You do get to have a choice of the closest care homes to you and you get to screen them before hand to, if you aren't happy with it then you have to express your concerns.
I felt so so guilty leaving my father in care nearly 6 wks ago now and there will be tears at first and maybe begging not to leave him there but they do adjust, you have to be strong and keep the conversation on something not to do with home. I still hate leaving my dad but he thinks he is at work on duty or in his own flat half the time and sits in his room watching tv which is what he would do at home anyway but he gets well fed and looked after, stay strong and it will get easier x

 

[sueellen]

Is there really any help out there???

This is the first time I have replied to any postings but "I don't know how to help my mum" struck a chord with me because this is exactly the situation we're in except it is my Mum who has Alzheimers and my Dad and brother who are at home caring for Mum. I started trying to get help from social services and Mum's GP last May when Mum's condition deteriorated suddenly and she became aggressive and violent in her quest to leave us and go "home" to her family. Trying to explain that she is home and that we are her family meets with anger and abuse. Social Services won't even visit to assess Mum. They say the request has to come from her. As Mum doesn't know she's poorly, she is hardly likely to request an assessment. Mum's psychiatrist tells me that this is a natural development in the disease and points us to a care home. We have explained that we want to look after Mum at home for as long as possible, but would like some help and support. Nothing. I have spoken many times to Mum's GP but, again, very little help. Mum has been prescribed anti-psychotic drugs and sleeping tablets (over the phone) with repeat prescriptions being issued without the GP even seeing my Mum! I am becoming increasingly concerned for my Dad's physical and emotional wellbeing - even physical safety sometimes. He is nearly 88 years of age and totally blind so, when Mum becomes aggressive, he doesn't see it coming. Fortunately, my brother is a wonderful carer and the most patient man in the world!
Sorry to be so negative, but today has been a very bad day. I hope others get more help than we have to date.

 

[s-mack]

be practical

You have probably done this already - contact age concern (or is it called age uk now?)

They have financial advisors that will go through finances with you and give good impartial advice - we did it with me and my Mum - they set up a package for paying the care home fees, but we did have to sell her house. They took a lot of the stress off my shoulders (and don't start me on waring families, there were 5 of us children but some seemed to go invisible when it came to the crunch!).

Help is out there....

Hello everyone, I'm new on here and after sitting and reading through some of the posts that I thought might be relevant and help me, I have decided to write my own post in the desperate hope that someone will help me to think straight.

I'm the youngest of 5 children and live the closest to my mum and dad. My sisters offer no advice or practical help, as sadly most of us don't talk to each other. Over the years we have become a family torn apart by various arguments. My dad is now 81 and has Alzheimer's and since his diagnosis in 2006 my mum has been caring for him. In 2009 my mum had breast cancer and has been in pretty poor and frail health ever since. Dad spent three days in respite care then and we were shocked at how bad he was - and so were social services as when he had been assessed, my mum had given a rather optimistic version of his capabilities.

Mum is now 80, tiny and frail, my dad is 6 ft and completely healthy. I worry that one angry outburst will badly injure my mum. With the help of social services, we tried to get dad into day respite care in March this year, but after his trial day (which we took him to and he loved!) he point blank refused to get on the mini-bus when it arrived and the distress it caused and the anger my mum then had to cope with, means that we have given up on 'outside help'. Since then my poor mum has coped amazingly well, asks for little help and just gets on with things. But recently she has started to tell me about my dad and the extent of his behaviour - he constantly sees people in the house, shouts and swears at her, doen't let her watch the tv, isn't washing and is now leaving the house late at night to 'go home'. This is really worrying because my mum is in no way physically capable of going after him. I know she doesn't want him to go into a home - I think she sees it as failing - but I also know that she doesn't think she can cope much longer and is emotional, teary and upset and this is not like my mum, she is such a tough cookie.

I think my mum has come to terms with the fact that she won't be able to care for my dad much longer and that he will need to go into a home very soon. I have told her I will do everything for her and she doesn't have to worry but I just don't know what to do. Having read some of the threads on here it seems like a minefield and I don't have any faith in social services. Mum and dad own their own little home - it is their only asset - and my mum wants to stay there but I'm not even sure if this will be financially possible? How do we go about finding a care home and do I have to leave it to social services, as I worry they will put him somewhere that is far away and not as nice....? How on earth do we pay the care home fees without selling their home?

I'm sorry to write such a long post, I just don't know what to do, or how to help my mum. She has such poor quality of life and it just seems so unfair that she has to cope with all of this. If anyone can offer any advice on what I can do next or who to contact, I would be so grateful, thank you.