"Grieving" - sorry long post but desperately need to air...

Sarest

Registered User
May 11, 2011
8
0
Sussex
Dad is 85, 86 in March. Lives at home on his own, has a carer a couple of time a week to help with practical things and has Alzheimers. We're guessing he's had it for over 6 years now and it seems to progress but very slowly. I see dad at least once a week, my sister visits at the weekend.. going to dads favourite place for lunch.

Christmas Day was the worse day ever with his Alzheimers, and possbily the worse Christmas ever, both my sister and I ended up in a bathroom having a good cry. And even tho my sister accepted it a long time ago.. Christmas day I finally let myself acknowledge just how bad his Alzheimers can get on a bad day..

We know what causes issues and how bad days occur.. but over the years I've focused so much energy on that, I didn't think about how I would react.. or really acknowledge where this is headed.

Now if I let myself drift to Christmas day I want to cry.. I am finding it so difficult.

We knew having an older dad would be difficult but I feel as tho I'm grieving for someone who still has amazingly good days but also has some really bad days..is this normal? Does this get any "easier"? Are there any ways to deal with this? Is it harder because my sister and me are in our early 30's? I'm welling up typing this...
 

Nebiroth

Registered User
Aug 20, 2006
3,510
0
We knew having an older dad would be difficult but I feel as tho I'm grieving for someone who still has amazingly good days but also has some really bad days..is this normal? Does this get any "easier"? Are there any ways to deal with this? Is it harder because my sister and me are in our early 30's? I'm welling up typing this...

Someone with dementia having good days and bad is usual, yes. And grieving for the person you have lost is completely normal. It is literally grief, just like that experienced in a bereavement, because you have lost the person you love. Dementia is sometimes called the "long goodbye" and most people who know and love someone with it go through an extended bereavement. In fact I would say it is worse, because when someone dies it is final and there is hopefuly closure. With dementia some of the person may remain, and of course, they are still there in body, so it goes on and there is always the painful reminder of what was, but no longer is.

I'm not sure your age makes it any harder - maybe you feel you have only had your dad for such a short time makes it worse? I don't know.

Best way I found to deal with things was to share feelings with people in a similar situation - like on here. It does help to talk with people who understand. Also don't be afraid to get help from your Gp if you feel you can't cope. They might refer you to counselling or suggest medication.

I'm not sure it ever gets "easier" because sadly, as you will know, the dementia progresses so as soon as you get used to something, there's another downturn to cope with

That said, sometimes - not always - as someone's dementia gets worse the practical difficulties or challenging behavior improve. On the other hand, this can mean that someone goes from challenging behavior to completely unresponsive so it depends on your feelings about that
 

sistermillicent

Registered User
Jan 30, 2009
2,949
0
I am sorry things are so bad, I certainly know how it feels, I remember it was on a holiday in Scotland four or five years ago with my parents that it really hit home, I mean, I knew mum had Alzheimers and that is why we were on holiday with them, but I hadn't realised how truly devastating it was, I had some distraught times there.

You cope with it, honestly you just have to. You will have good and bad days too.

There are many people here who will help you deal with things as you need to.

Pippa x
 

Sarest

Registered User
May 11, 2011
8
0
Sussex
Having a cry but thank you

Hi,

Thank you for the replies so quickly.. I am having a bit of a cry.. which is probably going to do me some good. Alzheimers being the long good bye sums this whole thing up so succinctly.. for dad its seems to be such a long process which he's painfully aware of and frustrated with..

The idea of counselling may not be such a bad idea, my work place offers free counselling to staff.. I work in that department so I'm a little apprehensive but may see if I can do it without work colleagues finding out.. may find some coping mechanisms.. or at least be better in a better place to deal with the worse yet to come.

It just feels so horrid right now, even tho dad is getting back to his better self... grrr.. with myself.. maybe it's just a bad few days and it'll at least feel a little better in a few days time.

Thanks for being there everyone
x
 

Busybee67

Registered User
May 5, 2011
69
0
Cambridgeshire
Hi Sarest
I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. My Mum has been diagnosed with dementia for 5 years now and is now 68. I too had a horrible Christmas Day. which ended up with me in floods of tears! First time i think i have cried on Christmas Day. :( I think Christmas time brings back such a lot of happy memories, which can be very painful when we share the day with a parent with this horrendous illness. I tried to make the day so perfect for Mum and Dad and my hubby and kids but it is was far from that. As for bads days, yes we all have them but i find they do only seem to last for a couple of days and then i feel stronger again. Hope this is the same for you and your sister. I tell myself that my Mum would hate it if she could see me so upset. All you and sister can do is be there for your dad and help as much as you can but most of all keep close to your sister and when you do have a bad day suggest doing something special together (clothes shopping helps me!!).


Stay strong and sending you a big hug x
 

handyjack

Registered User
Oct 6, 2011
151
0
The idea of counselling may not be such a bad idea, my work place offers free counselling to staff.. I work in that department so I'm a little apprehensive but may see if I can do it without work colleagues finding out.. may find some coping mechanisms.. or at least be better in a better place to deal with the worse yet to come.

Don't readily dismiss help in the workplace. For all you know there may be other employees going through exactly the same sort of thing you are Sarest. They may have more experience of their situation than you have and would be able to help/share experiences and perhaps helpful information.
 

jude50

Registered User
Dec 28, 2011
2,446
0
Cardiff
go for the counselling. I had it through work as well, HR were great and there were no names mentioned but I felt I was able to tell people in my department so they knew what I was going through. It's not an admission of weakness it shows a strength of character that you are not running from your problems. It helped me so much to undersyand my griving feelings and that i was not a bad person for some of the thoughts I was having they were all perfectly normal in the situation.

Jude