Following surgery for a broken hip, my eighty-eight year old Mum's dementia has rapidly progressed to the point where she is now in a care home. She has gone from being a fairly mobile lady to one who can no longer put one foot in front of the other or do anything for herself without help (including going to the toilet). She does not eat or drink very much, has lost a lot of weight, communicates very little and spends most of her time with her eyes shut although she seems to be awake. In addition, she believes that she is in her own flat even though the home is obviously very different to her flat. For instance she will tell me there are drinks in her kitchen or she will ask me to stay the night in her other bedroom, although she only has one room. She does not seem to notice the difference. Is this a common symptom of dementia?
My Mum thinks she is in her own flat.
- Thread starter alans
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I think it`s wonderful.
So many people with dementia constantly express the wish to go home and it is very upsetting for their family. the fact your mother believes she is in her own home shows how comfortable she is and should be a great relief for you.
You can always distract her when she talks about you staying the night.
My neighbour also thought the home was his. He thought he had bought the whole building and was very proud of himself.
So many people with dementia constantly express the wish to go home and it is very upsetting for their family. the fact your mother believes she is in her own home shows how comfortable she is and should be a great relief for you.
You can always distract her when she talks about you staying the night.
My neighbour also thought the home was his. He thought he had bought the whole building and was very proud of himself.
Hi Alans,
In my experience this is typical behaviour. When my Mum first went in to a home she often offered to make us tea in the en suite bathroom. After several years in the home she continues to have a very limited concept of her physical surroundings but seems to be "at home" with them now most of the time although she still asks to go home sometimes . When I look back I can see that perhaps when she was first admitted the habits of home were so ingrained that part of her brain tried to contine as normal ie offerring to make tea and a bed for the night. The CPN said that the way alzheimers affected Mum meant she kept some social skills for a long time and that these could give the impression that she was much less ill than she actually was.
Over the years I have learned that the best thing for Mum's peace of mind is to actively try not to upset her by pointing out the real situationting and contradicting her but to comfort and reassure her by distraction or white lies.
Have you spoken to the staff in the home as it does sound as though your Mum is spending much time alone and may need support to adjust to her new situation. I have also to say this may be a slow process. Does she get help with eating as I would be concerned about weight lose. I know my Mum is weighted regularly along with everyone else in her home so that this is being monitored. My Mum was on anti depressants at one point and perhaps it would be worth speaking to your Mum's GP about your concerns.
Hope this helps. Best wishes.
In my experience this is typical behaviour. When my Mum first went in to a home she often offered to make us tea in the en suite bathroom. After several years in the home she continues to have a very limited concept of her physical surroundings but seems to be "at home" with them now most of the time although she still asks to go home sometimes . When I look back I can see that perhaps when she was first admitted the habits of home were so ingrained that part of her brain tried to contine as normal ie offerring to make tea and a bed for the night. The CPN said that the way alzheimers affected Mum meant she kept some social skills for a long time and that these could give the impression that she was much less ill than she actually was.
Over the years I have learned that the best thing for Mum's peace of mind is to actively try not to upset her by pointing out the real situationting and contradicting her but to comfort and reassure her by distraction or white lies.
Have you spoken to the staff in the home as it does sound as though your Mum is spending much time alone and may need support to adjust to her new situation. I have also to say this may be a slow process. Does she get help with eating as I would be concerned about weight lose. I know my Mum is weighted regularly along with everyone else in her home so that this is being monitored. My Mum was on anti depressants at one point and perhaps it would be worth speaking to your Mum's GP about your concerns.
Hope this helps. Best wishes.
Mistaking the place they live in for somewhere else is very common indeed.
However, what is unusual is that your mum believes she is living in her own home. This is very good indeed, because she will be content and settled.
The problem is usually the reverse, in that someone with dementia does not recognise their own home and continually demand to "go home" (though this can also refer to a home of long ago, and is really a desire to return to a place that is familiar and safe)
Many people in care homes make this demand, either for the above reason, or because they realise they are in a home and don't wish to be
It might be possible for the care home to pesuafe mum to eat or drink if they play along with this. For example, bringing meals on a tray from her "kitchen"
As to her wanting you to stay the night, just produce and plausible sounding excuse. It will almost certainly be forgotten and probably doesn;t even need to make any real sense, so long as it sounds believable
Therefore I think you should make every effort not to change your mum's ideas!
However, what is unusual is that your mum believes she is living in her own home. This is very good indeed, because she will be content and settled.
The problem is usually the reverse, in that someone with dementia does not recognise their own home and continually demand to "go home" (though this can also refer to a home of long ago, and is really a desire to return to a place that is familiar and safe)
Many people in care homes make this demand, either for the above reason, or because they realise they are in a home and don't wish to be
It might be possible for the care home to pesuafe mum to eat or drink if they play along with this. For example, bringing meals on a tray from her "kitchen"
As to her wanting you to stay the night, just produce and plausible sounding excuse. It will almost certainly be forgotten and probably doesn;t even need to make any real sense, so long as it sounds believable
Therefore I think you should make every effort not to change your mum's ideas!
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My thoughts exactly.
Dad has believed himself in different places depending on where the disease has regressed him back to. I take comfort in the fact he is in a happy place in his own mind and never correct him.
Think the location thing is common.
My dad had alz and died 2000 and thought he was in a care home, in fact, he was at his own home being cared for by his wife.
Now my mum has alz and we have moved into HER house, however, she thinks it is anything from a holiday home, to our home, to her home to a care home.
From our experience, would say it is common.
I suppose the main point is, is the person happy and safe ? In our case, yes and it appears the same in yours
My dad had alz and died 2000 and thought he was in a care home, in fact, he was at his own home being cared for by his wife.
Now my mum has alz and we have moved into HER house, however, she thinks it is anything from a holiday home, to our home, to her home to a care home.
From our experience, would say it is common.
I suppose the main point is, is the person happy and safe ? In our case, yes and it appears the same in yours
When mum was in a hospital ward she thought all the other beds were other peoples' homes.
Now that mum is in Care she is not actually sure where she is, but whenever I visit she thinks I live there as well. She always offers to go and make us a cup of tea - even though she has no idea how to or where to go. She also sees us out of the front door, just as though it is her own home.
I agree with GrannieG
Now that mum is in Care she is not actually sure where she is, but whenever I visit she thinks I live there as well. She always offers to go and make us a cup of tea - even though she has no idea how to or where to go. She also sees us out of the front door, just as though it is her own home.
I agree with GrannieG
Yes this happened to my Mum. She is in a Care home & asks us if we will take her up to her flat.
She told my sister that she had a phone(which she doesn't) & that I did the washing(which I did when she was in her real flat)
So it seems to happen a lot.
Good Luck
She told my sister that she had a phone(which she doesn't) & that I did the washing(which I did when she was in her real flat)
So it seems to happen a lot.
Good Luck
Hi Alans,
It is horrible to see someone you love in this situation and many on TP will understand what you are saying and know how you feel but all we can do is try to ensure our parent gets the best care possible for this illness. I really do not think anyone who has not had first hand experience realises how hard it is to deal with this. Have you had contact with a local carers group? I was lucky enough to be given counsellling by our local carers group and this did to help me come to terms with Mum's situation and I think it probably kept me sane.
My Mum is happier now than she has been for years and she is well looked after and safe in her home. For many years she was distressed and very unhappy.
Please remind yourself that you cannot make her better and it is not your fault she is ill. You can only do what is possible in this situation and like my Mum your Mum may move on to another stage where she is generally more content.
It sounds as though things have changed very quickly with your Mum and it is bound to take you a while to come to terms with this. Please be kind to yourself.
It is horrible to see someone you love in this situation and many on TP will understand what you are saying and know how you feel but all we can do is try to ensure our parent gets the best care possible for this illness. I really do not think anyone who has not had first hand experience realises how hard it is to deal with this. Have you had contact with a local carers group? I was lucky enough to be given counsellling by our local carers group and this did to help me come to terms with Mum's situation and I think it probably kept me sane.
My Mum is happier now than she has been for years and she is well looked after and safe in her home. For many years she was distressed and very unhappy.
Please remind yourself that you cannot make her better and it is not your fault she is ill. You can only do what is possible in this situation and like my Mum your Mum may move on to another stage where she is generally more content.
It sounds as though things have changed very quickly with your Mum and it is bound to take you a while to come to terms with this. Please be kind to yourself.
Sounds familiar
My mum has just been diagnosed with Alzheimers and is in hospital at the moment. She thinks she is in her own home and gets confused between the two. Other patients on the ward also get confused. I have recently witnessed one of the patients getting upset and telling everyone to get out of his house. After talking staff and other families on the ward it appears to be a very common symptom.
My mum has just been diagnosed with Alzheimers and is in hospital at the moment. She thinks she is in her own home and gets confused between the two. Other patients on the ward also get confused. I have recently witnessed one of the patients getting upset and telling everyone to get out of his house. After talking staff and other families on the ward it appears to be a very common symptom.
Not quite the same, but the same process, I think...
Dad's lived in the same house for about 30 years, with Mum until a couple of years ago.
When he developed dementia, I got a shower put in downstairs and converted the living room into a bedroom.
He tells me he can't remember what it's like upstairs. Oddly, he refers to going from his bedroom into the other rooms at night as "going downstairs" even though he now sleeps downstairs.
He sometimes refers to the first floor as my flat.
He is confused if I refer to how things were downstairs before I rearranged things.
He asks me where the mantlepiece clock in his (new) bedroom was before and is puzzled when I say it had been there for years. I think that's because it was there when it was a living room and his mind says it's his bedroom. He likes the clock so I haven't taken it away, otherwise if it had been confusing him, I would have done.
He still recognises his kitchen and his front room (sitting room/office/dining room).
I'm hoping that this same adaptive process will work if he needs to go into a home at some point. (Before anyone tells me it's when not if, he's no spring chicken and we're both hoping he'll die from a heart attack or stroke before he gets that bad. )
Incidentally, when my grandmother with dementia went into an asylum, she thought she'd moved to a grand mansion house and that the nurses were her servants. The mind can on occasion work wonders at lessening the blow of life's misfortunes.
Dad's lived in the same house for about 30 years, with Mum until a couple of years ago.
When he developed dementia, I got a shower put in downstairs and converted the living room into a bedroom.
He tells me he can't remember what it's like upstairs. Oddly, he refers to going from his bedroom into the other rooms at night as "going downstairs" even though he now sleeps downstairs.
He sometimes refers to the first floor as my flat.
He is confused if I refer to how things were downstairs before I rearranged things.
He asks me where the mantlepiece clock in his (new) bedroom was before and is puzzled when I say it had been there for years. I think that's because it was there when it was a living room and his mind says it's his bedroom. He likes the clock so I haven't taken it away, otherwise if it had been confusing him, I would have done.
He still recognises his kitchen and his front room (sitting room/office/dining room).
I'm hoping that this same adaptive process will work if he needs to go into a home at some point. (Before anyone tells me it's when not if, he's no spring chicken and we're both hoping he'll die from a heart attack or stroke before he gets that bad. )
Incidentally, when my grandmother with dementia went into an asylum, she thought she'd moved to a grand mansion house and that the nurses were her servants. The mind can on occasion work wonders at lessening the blow of life's misfortunes.
my mother went into care home week before christmas and shes under impression she owns the whole place, i even took her back to her old home today to get a few things and she didnt recognise it at all. shes only 65 i think the family had more of an emotional time over the decision than she did, but her being accepting or not knowing makes it easier i suppose. it amde us realise too that everything she had held dear is of no significance now, her possessions etc hold no emotions or feelings of ever been.
Similarly to Petrina's grandmother, my mother's great-aunt was in a large NH with grounds. She would look through the window at visitors walking in the garden and complain loudly that someone must come to "move these people off my lawn!" I think she thought she was living in a stately home. Since she was a vicar's daughter, she hadn't been brought up to grand living, but I suppose the mind adapts and makes a story around what is being experienced.
I used to worry so much when I was a child about the various tales of this old aunt, but I realise now that her worries were 'in the moment' and once she was offered a cup of tea and a piece of cake she probably forgot about the things that had been agitating her.
I think it is far preferable if our relatives adapt to 'now' in whatever way they can, rather than living in the past, which some people do. When MIL came out of hospital last summer she was living in 1976 in her head, which was not only surreal but also distressing to her and to us because that had been a time of great uncertainty and unhappiness. Fortunately she joined us in the 21st century after a few days back in a familiar environment.
I used to worry so much when I was a child about the various tales of this old aunt, but I realise now that her worries were 'in the moment' and once she was offered a cup of tea and a piece of cake she probably forgot about the things that had been agitating her.
I think it is far preferable if our relatives adapt to 'now' in whatever way they can, rather than living in the past, which some people do. When MIL came out of hospital last summer she was living in 1976 in her head, which was not only surreal but also distressing to her and to us because that had been a time of great uncertainty and unhappiness. Fortunately she joined us in the 21st century after a few days back in a familiar environment.
Hi my Mum thought I was my sitser's dad
Hi and thx for your replies. I took my Sister to visit my my Mum today and after I had left the room to make a phone call, my Mum asked my Sister where her Father had gone. She also asked her if she liked school. My Sister is sixty-three years old. I feel terribly sad at the moment and firmly believe that it is time for my Mum to close her eyes and go too sleep forever.
Similarly to Petrina's grandmother, my mother's great-aunt was in a large NH with grounds. She would look through the window at visitors walking in the garden and complain loudly that someone must come to "move these people off my lawn!" I think she thought she was living in a stately home. Since she was a vicar's daughter, she hadn't been brought up to grand living, but I suppose the mind adapts and makes a story around what is being experienced.
I used to worry so much when I was a child about the various tales of this old aunt, but I realise now that her worries were 'in the moment' and once she was offered a cup of tea and a piece of cake she probably forgot about the things that had been agitating her.
I think it is far preferable if our relatives adapt to 'now' in whatever way they can, rather than living in the past, which some people do. When MIL came out of hospital last summer she was living in 1976 in her head, which was not only surreal but also distressing to her and to us because that had been a time of great uncertainty and unhappiness. Fortunately she joined us in the 21st century after a few days back in a familiar environment.[/QUOTE]
Hi and thx for your replies. I took my Sister to visit my my Mum today and after I had left the room to make a phone call, my Mum asked my Sister where her Father had gone. She also asked her if she liked school. My Sister is sixty-three years old. I feel terribly sad at the moment and firmly believe that it is time for my Mum to close her eyes and go too sleep forever.
Similarly to Petrina's grandmother, my mother's great-aunt was in a large NH with grounds. She would look through the window at visitors walking in the garden and complain loudly that someone must come to "move these people off my lawn!" I think she thought she was living in a stately home. Since she was a vicar's daughter, she hadn't been brought up to grand living, but I suppose the mind adapts and makes a story around what is being experienced.
I used to worry so much when I was a child about the various tales of this old aunt, but I realise now that her worries were 'in the moment' and once she was offered a cup of tea and a piece of cake she probably forgot about the things that had been agitating her.
I think it is far preferable if our relatives adapt to 'now' in whatever way they can, rather than living in the past, which some people do. When MIL came out of hospital last summer she was living in 1976 in her head, which was not only surreal but also distressing to her and to us because that had been a time of great uncertainty and unhappiness. Fortunately she joined us in the 21st century after a few days back in a familiar environment.[/QUOTE]
wildrose
[my husband who is in a Home also thinks he is in his own house. Can be comforting in a way.
[my husband who is in a Home also thinks he is in his own house. Can be comforting in a way.
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