worried about Dad's aggression......

70smand

Registered User
Dec 4, 2011
269
0
Essex
Hello,

I am new to this today and feel quite desperate. My Dad has alzheimers and is 65. He is on aricept but is definately getting worse. It is my mum I am really frightened for. My dad is getting increasingly aggresive, which my mum has tried to hide, but she can't disguise the bruises and finally admitted yesterday to me that he hits her and pushes her over, threw a tv down the stairs and other irrational behaviour. My brother had taken my dad out so I could finally get to talk to her alone. My Dad hates my mum to go anywhere without him and stands next to her when I phone. I read the leaflet on aggression and understand he is frustrated, scared, paranoid and has a whole bunch of feelings, but when they go to the Dr's he is able to appear quite well and says everything is ok and my mum can't speak up for fear of making him angry. They run their own business from home although mum does most of the work now. He also has spoken of suicide in the past and my mum has smashed the car window in the past to stop him driving out late at night with suicidal thoughts.

I have seen him get angry and there is no reasoning with him, although I sometimes feel I can distract him if he starts to appear agitated, wheras my mum has it 24 hours a day and may sometimes agitate him by saying the wrong thing and doesn't want to worry anyone.

I have told my mum to call me if things get bad or come straight round mine as I only live 10 minutes away but I know she won't. And I now realise that she avoids me when she has bruises and tells me not to come round as they are busy.

I have told my brother and we are not sure what to do as we don't want to make things worse, although I can't see how they can get any worse. When my mum called me a few years ago in tears after he had gone off after a row, he returned 3 hours later, still angry with my mum and even angrier at her for telling me.

I was thinking of seeing if his GP would see me and I could explain things to him so next time they go the gp could suggest something that might help such as anti-depressants without mentioning my visit. Not even sure Dad would take them as he doesn't like taking any tablets due to side effects.

Sorry its so long winded, but I'm sobbing as I type, because I love my mum and Dad so much, and I am fearful I might lose them both......................
 

Nebiroth

Registered User
Aug 20, 2006
3,510
0
I was thinking of seeing if his GP would see me and I could explain things to him so next time they go the gp could suggest something that might help such as anti-depressants without mentioning my visit. .


This is the right approach. But you do need to make it very clear to the Gp that your dad is not only being agressive, but actually physically violent towards your mum. Most doctors are aware that dementia patients can present quite well and put on a good "front", espescially with strangers. They retain remnants of social control longer when interacting with stranger sor authority figures whereas with people they know that control is lost.

These things have a way of escalating unless they are treated - and sometimes even if they are treated - things sounds like they have become very bad already.

Your mum is probably trapped in a web of guilt and indecision. People in a loving relationship will endure the most extraordinary things from each other, that from an outside viewpoint seem beyond sense or reason. It's why abused partners stay in a relationship - they still feel that love, even under the bruises. Your mum is probably afraid she is betraying your dad, thinks she will lose him because he may be "locked away" - she will do everything she can to avoid this.

But she can't do it forever. You'll have a hard time convincing her that the time really has come to do something; the crisis is already here. At the moment she is being pushed and hit. How long before it gets even worse? Perhaps you could persuade her by arguing that her husband isn't getting the care he needs now - and he certainly won't if she ends up hspitalised or something even more dreadful.

At the very least your dad needs to be urgently assessed by the GP who would almost certainly want to make a further referral to the consultant (I'm assuming he as one, since it;s rare for Aricept to be prescribed by a GP alone). Is there and assigned CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse)?

Sad to say things have escalated to such I point that I would think that your dad would ideally be under assessment in hospital. Once he is in a safe environment with professionals who can cope with violence, it might well be possible to find a drug regime that would allow him to return home with the violence and paranoia under control. Finding the right treatment can be frustrating and take time, due to the way the drugs work; there is no "quick fix" that can be used except in the short term. Your dad might need to be admitted involuntarily. This is known as "sectioning". It is always a last resort, and normally, two independent doctors and a specially approved social worker must all agree to it.
 

Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,589
0
Yorkshire
My dad didn't have dementia but became suicidal when Mum was diagnosed. I packed him off to the GP who talked him round the first two times but on the third occasion he became seriously depressed and talked (quite matter-of-factly) about walking off the pavement into the path of an oncoming car. He was given an urgent appointment with a psychiatrist who convinced him to go voluntarily into hospital for treatment. If Dad had refused, I'm pretty sure he would have been sectioned as he was clearly a danger to others as well as himself. And I would have backed that decision 100%.

Mental health issues are nothing for anyone to be ashamed of. But once their behaviour potentially impacts adversely on others, especially innocent bystanders, steps have to be taken.

I know how awful I would have felt if he had been the cause of a tragic accident.
 

angelface

Registered User
Oct 8, 2011
1,085
0
london
My two aunts always lived together, and when one got dementia, the other nursed her.

Sadly the aunt with dementia became violent, often pushing and hitting her sister. In the end, she had to go into a nursing home, because her sister was so frightened of her.

A year on, the auntie with dementia has settled well, and the two sisters enjoy visits together. However, the 6 months before she went into the home were really awful.

Sadly, sometimes a nursing home really is the best place for someone with severe dementia.

I really hope your problem can be resolved, allthough I do understand that it is very hard to take the steps needed to sort it.

Gill
 

PatH

Registered User
Feb 14, 2005
301
0
80
N.Ireland
Agression was very much part of my husbands Ad behaviour and I hid it for a very long time, long enough that eventually my life was in danger. He was often in a very unsettled and agitated mood but in the middle of the night he was so dangerous. I didnt want to let him down by 'telling' on him ' and I did love him so much . I do realize now I was wrong. Your mum needs to be truthful and get help. Patx
 

70smand

Registered User
Dec 4, 2011
269
0
Essex
Thank you to everyone for taking the time to reply.

What I didn't explain is that my Dad is a very fit and well 65 year old, who, if you met him you would assume there was nothing wrong with him and he is no way ready for a nursing home. My Mum has said she couldn't do that to him and he is mostly very amiable. She also said she doesn't want to be alone and every day they walk their dog over the park together. I think she feels like you did Pat.

I am trying to get hold of his consultant, but failing that will go to his GP.

The other thing I failed to mention is that our stubborn 98 year old Grandad refuses to move out of his house into a home and puts on my Mum all the time as he is also becoming very vague and forgetful and difficult. My Mum even feels guilty about not having him to live with her!

thanks again x
 

sharonkluge

Registered User
Dec 5, 2011
2
0
Father suffers from dementia

My father was finally diagnosed for his Dementia after fighting the system since Sept. We were caring for dad 24hrs a day at home because his mobility was as much of a danger as his dementia.
He wasn't sleeping at night,was very confused,frustrated and became violent. He hit out a few times at me and my brother and physically pushed my other brother against a door.it got to the point where we were struggling to cope with him at home and he was trying to get out of the house. After calling the Social care Services to ask an assessment to be done and being told it wouldn't be done for a few days i ended up dialling 999 to get an ambulance so i could get him admitted and hopefully get my dad assessed and treated.
My father was in hospital for nearly 3wks waiting for the geriatricain to come,he became increasingly depressed and basically shut down. We were then told that the Geriatrcian was on vacation for 3wks and there was no one covering him.
My father was put on haloperidol to control his agitation and agression and he is still on them now although he is being weaned off them for a new med because Haloperidol are not commonly used and do have horiible side effects as well as sometimes making symptoms worse.
My father came home from hospital after it was decided it was not helping him, he was home for 5 days and it was clear he couldn't be cared for properly.He was still needing all through the day and night care and was incontinent. He was on sleeping tablets which made his bed changing impossible,especially up to 7 times a night.
I asked for emergency respite for my father and he has been there for nearly 3 wks now.it was a hard decision but it was needed.My brother was having to do most of the care as he lived in the same house and the rest of the family also have responsibilities.
It has now been confirmed that my father has Dementia and is incapable of making decisions for his best welfare.
I am trying a last ditch attempt to get 24hr homecare or the financial support so we can have dad at home for a bit longer but if that isn't an option then he will have to go into permanent care. I am my dads power of attorney and have to do what i feel is best for dad.This disease has torn our family apart and some family members are not thinking so much of dad but what may happen to them if dad goes into care like property issues.
Family can become very selfish in situations like this but there is only one person to consider here and that is dad
 

tre

Registered User
Sep 23, 2008
1,352
0
Herts
Hello 70smand,
I hope you find this forum as helpful as I do. Just a thought- my husband became aggressive a couple of months back but this only occured when he was hallucinating and failed to recognise me. When he knew me he was his gentle self. He had been on Aricept for over three years without problem but whenhe was taken off this the hallucinations and the aggression disappeared. I hope you might be as lucky as me but if not someone will come along who will help
Tre
 

InElysium

Registered User
Mar 14, 2011
43
0
Sorry to hear about your situation, I am going through similar though without the physical abuse. My Dad is 80+ and relies on me and my Mum a lot, yet still verbally and no doubt mentally abuses her more and more often over the past few years, and like you my Mum plays down the situation when I try and get help, like she doesn't want to involve external parties. I can't understand how she can constantly let him treat her this way. Its like mental torture.
He gambles a lot which is always a bad thing for someone with that temperament, and always degrades her and sneaks around thinking we're plotting against him and that everything in this house is down to his money, even though he doesn't often pay for things as it all goes on gambling.
He is always right, never at fault, always blames someone or something when he is wrong, its never him and everyone else has a problem, but not him.
I wish I had the answer or something practical but I don't know where to turn myself.
It usually starts with the person admitting there is a problem before help can be saught, but while he continually demeans and denies that he is ever wrong or at fault, we are in a losing battle...
 

70smand

Registered User
Dec 4, 2011
269
0
Essex
I hope it is as easy as taking him off the aricept, but they both felt that he did, at least at first, improve from it and I don't think he hallucinates, however, I will leave that to the experts to decide.
I did manage to get in touch with his consultants secretary, who was very sympathetic and will get the consultant to ring me next week when he returns from holiday asap. In the meantime I need to be more in touch with my mum and dad instead of thinking they will call me if they need me, like I do them! And also to be more of a help with Grandad (although he would honestly make a saint swear!)
thanks for the link carpe diem, it definately has some wise words, which I will try to use and pass on to mum (if she will listen) x
 

2jays

Registered User
Jun 4, 2010
11,598
0
West Midlands
I asked for emergency respite for my father and he has been there for nearly 3 wks now.it was a hard decision but it was needed.My brother was having to do most of the care as he lived in the same house and the rest of the family also have responsibilities.
It has now been confirmed that my father has Dementia and is incapable of making decisions for his best welfare.
I am trying a last ditch attempt to get 24hr homecare or the financial support so we can have dad at home for a bit longer but if that isn't an option then he will have to go into permanent care. I am my dads power of attorney and have to do what i feel is best for dad.

Have you seen these fact sheet
http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=125

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=112

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=96

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/services_info.php?serviceID=149

Hope they help if you haven't

J
 

FifiMo

Registered User
Feb 10, 2010
4,703
0
Wiltshire
Hiya 70smand,

Just a couple of things from me. My mother was put on aricept and had to be taken off it because it made her aggressive, so worth speaking to your dad's GP. She is now on exelon and is brilliant on that - ok, it has affected her short term memory more, but she is happy and contented.

As to your mum, the bottom line has to be her safety. It is one thing to say your dad is not ready for a care home but neither is your mum ready to have a serious injury at his hands. My advice, whilst getting help for your dad, is to find a place of safety in the house for your mum. By this I mean, say a bedroom, put a strong lock on the door and preferrably a phone extention in the room so she can phone out if she is worried. You must tell your mum that she is to go to this room when your dad is displaying signs of aggression and that she should stay there until she is satisfied that he is calm again. This is the minimum you could do for her. To my mind, this is a double edged sword here and you can't play it both ways. What if your dad injured your mum so seriously that the police got involved, would you say to them that your dad is ok and fit and healthy, or would you say oh he has dementia. Ultimately your dad needs to be where is best for his own interests and taking into account the illness that he has. If they can get him medicated such that he CAN stay at home then so much the better.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but this is to do with dementia, it is never to do with the person you know and love. Unfortunately dementia affects people in different ways, some remain relatively fit but suffer more mentally, others see a gradual mental decline but find that the body deteriorates much more quickly.

Fiona
x
 

BeckyJan

Registered User
Nov 28, 2005
18,971
0
Derbyshire
Hello 70smand: I see you have already had some good advice. It is such a difficult situation. In no way should your Mother be feeling guilty re your Grandad.

The support you are giving will be giving your Mother that extra strength she needs and I know how much she will appreciate it.

Sharonkluge:
I see you have posted here which is great but can I suggest you start a Thread of your own.
To get to the support area, click this link:

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/forumdisplay.php?f=25

and then click on the ‘+Post new thread’ button in grey (this turns green when you hover your mouse over it):
 

70smand

Registered User
Dec 4, 2011
269
0
Essex
Thankyou again to everyone for their advice and support. I am no longer burying my head in the sand. I have spoken to or seen my mum and Dad every day this week and things seem ok for now, and am awaiting Dads consultant to call me on monday. My mum won't ask for help so I am not going to wait to be asked. They would both do the same for me and other members of our family - often they have dropped everything and come to the rescue in the past. Am still finding it hard to talk to mum on her own to see if there is a link between Dads short temper (although he always could have a temper - but was generally very fair with a great sense of humour) and starting the aricept.

just reading some other threads I had no idea what a lot of people are going through - despite being a palliatve care nurse in a hospice, it's a whole new kettle of fish when it affects your own family.......

Mand xxx