Clinical psychologist with memory issues, ironic
- Thread starter xyz
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Update
Hi Everyone,
Firstly I want to thank everyone who replied to my thread yesterday. I have to say the kind words and advice were fantastic and seriously you guys have got me through the last few weeks. So THANK YOU!! Sorry for the long post- part venting, part update.......
Well the appt went ahead this morning. There were two CPN's and the clinical psychologist. They stated the purpose of this appt was what they can do to help with the situation at home going forward. Frankly it was a waste of my time, completely futile and I have to admit I did loose it at one point with the CPN who visits mum (she always takes my mums side and fails to forget when one has evidence for my mums behaviour the CPN can not argue with the facts. The facts don't lie, my mum manipulates)!!
It started with the psychologist asking my mum, dad and I how we are doing after my dads alzheimer's diagnosis and what changes we may have seen in him. Only this question was directed at my mum, then dad and when it was my turn to speak the CPN's and psychologist ignored and spoke over me- which is when I flipped. My mum said she sees my dad fiddling with the drawn curtains every night before he turns in for the eve. What a trivial non alzheimer's behaviour to cite! The woman clearly has no clue what to look out for. I said I check the back door is locked 10times a day does that mean I have alzheimer's? To which none of the medical lot had an answer. My dad said he does this to check the windows are locked and readjusts the curtains.
Thankfully my dad said he is tired of my mum nagging him, being anger/aggressive, mood swings x times a day etc.
The medical lot did not care, they took zero notice. Sure dad went on a bit but that is what he tends to do now.
I asked why I had not been informed about this meeting despite the memory clinic saying they would contact my mum and me directly? Again no answer from medical lot. My mum said it was because we are not speaking and I would be angry and not attend. What the h*ll?!
CPN said why didn't my mum attend my dads last appt? I said that's because she was not invited, no permissions were sort by asking my dad if this would be ok and more importantly my mum was given the chance however she told me she was not going to present in my dads appt and that she was meant to have a social chit chat with the CPN's at the hospital. She told me the CPN was off ill and I told her to ring the CPN on the morning of my dads appt and verify/confirm her meeting to which she said fine, I don't want to come and she will not ring to verify. Then in the appt the CPN asked where my mum was and I explained the above. The CPN denied all knowledge, claiming she did not ask this question. I said yes you did. I recorded you!!! Her face dropped and so did the rest of the medical lot. They asked me are we being recorded now, to which I said YES. CPN said why and I don't know how I feel about that surely you should tell us. I replied- I don't trust you (she had just illustrated why above), yes I can record you, I cant use it in a case of law, you are in my house now.
My mum says- we don't do anything as a family. I say, my dad is 70yrs, working f/t 8-5pm, he comes home eats, helps with the washing up etc, watched tv and by which time its bedtime. On saturday he goes to do the food shop and its better he is out then at home with this tension and her stress. Sunday he washes his own clothes, irons sometimes does the hoover. SO when do you purpose he goes out as a family???!! He is tired. not only this when they do go out its to do what her interest are. My dad says we are going to our sons abroad in 2 wks for 3wks!!
I said don't pressure my dad to spend all the time and throw tantrums if you don't get what you want. Mum says it my money and she does not spend, spend, spend. Its her pension. I say, I don't care what you do with you money spend it all on sweets! She does pressure him to buy expensive jewellery, want expensive house renovations etc. Remember he is the only one earning!! I wanted to list my mums behaviour but the medical lot were not interested.
Again the question was asked because psychologist says these are only e.gs. What can we do going forward? I said you clearly don't understand, she antagonises my dad, he retaliates and the cycle begins. Its not mensa puzzle, you would think with all the letters after the psychologists name he would see a pattern emerging!! I said you can educate my mum about alzheimer's as she has no interest in learning. My mum says that's untrue She went to the library yesterday and was reading a book on alzheimer's. Well, one book makes you the expert, I'm sure she picked up on the basic knowledge. She's the one who can not comprehend the simplest of things. Its not, its fact she has told me and my siblings a number of times. If that is true then she would be tolerate, empathise and sympathetic. I asked why was the CPN involved, she replies to support my mum and i say and educate! What has she learned??!! What have you picked up? The CPN asks mum if she can reveal any details of their meetings and my mum said no or there will be an arguement. Begs the question if the CPN is asking permission if she can reveal, why wasn't my dad asked permission for my mum to attend his last memory appt?
CPN says she thinks it is fine for her to shortly stop supporting my mum. Good riddance, I have taken a dislike to her.
CPN says my mum should be attending the memory clinic with my dad for support rather than me. Seriously, they have to be kidding...you want a menatlly, unbalanced individual to support someone with alzheimer's. The same individual who mocks, gloats, antagonised and purposing confused my dad. Care in the community, I think not. CPN went on to say when I was working and living away over summer she is of the opinion mum and dad were working together. That's rubbish, in 30mins ad hoc appts she can identify this?? Why doesn't she work for Mi5, she missed her calling. I know when I returned home after summer my dads condition had gradually got worse. Begs the question why????
As this was an hr appt they ran out of time. My mum went and rang my brother and any stray that would listen. I went out to a friends. Dad went back to work.
I've just got back in I am so tired, stressed and feeling under the weather. Spoke to my sister and she says leave and she will rent a place for us. But I'm worried about my dad. He wants to divorce only he keeps asking my mum, almost for her blessing and she will never give that. I want my dad far away from my mum as possible. She is so manipulative, twisted eveything and toxic...the oscar goes to my mum!!
I dont know how long I can put up with my mum and the way she fools the 'experts'
Thank you all for thinking of me, I've just logged and will reply back!
Hi Everyone,
Firstly I want to thank everyone who replied to my thread yesterday. I have to say the kind words and advice were fantastic and seriously you guys have got me through the last few weeks. So THANK YOU!! Sorry for the long post- part venting, part update.......
Well the appt went ahead this morning. There were two CPN's and the clinical psychologist. They stated the purpose of this appt was what they can do to help with the situation at home going forward. Frankly it was a waste of my time, completely futile and I have to admit I did loose it at one point with the CPN who visits mum (she always takes my mums side and fails to forget when one has evidence for my mums behaviour the CPN can not argue with the facts. The facts don't lie, my mum manipulates)!!
It started with the psychologist asking my mum, dad and I how we are doing after my dads alzheimer's diagnosis and what changes we may have seen in him. Only this question was directed at my mum, then dad and when it was my turn to speak the CPN's and psychologist ignored and spoke over me- which is when I flipped. My mum said she sees my dad fiddling with the drawn curtains every night before he turns in for the eve. What a trivial non alzheimer's behaviour to cite! The woman clearly has no clue what to look out for. I said I check the back door is locked 10times a day does that mean I have alzheimer's? To which none of the medical lot had an answer. My dad said he does this to check the windows are locked and readjusts the curtains.
Thankfully my dad said he is tired of my mum nagging him, being anger/aggressive, mood swings x times a day etc.
The medical lot did not care, they took zero notice. Sure dad went on a bit but that is what he tends to do now.
I asked why I had not been informed about this meeting despite the memory clinic saying they would contact my mum and me directly? Again no answer from medical lot. My mum said it was because we are not speaking and I would be angry and not attend. What the h*ll?!
CPN said why didn't my mum attend my dads last appt? I said that's because she was not invited, no permissions were sort by asking my dad if this would be ok and more importantly my mum was given the chance however she told me she was not going to present in my dads appt and that she was meant to have a social chit chat with the CPN's at the hospital. She told me the CPN was off ill and I told her to ring the CPN on the morning of my dads appt and verify/confirm her meeting to which she said fine, I don't want to come and she will not ring to verify. Then in the appt the CPN asked where my mum was and I explained the above. The CPN denied all knowledge, claiming she did not ask this question. I said yes you did. I recorded you!!! Her face dropped and so did the rest of the medical lot. They asked me are we being recorded now, to which I said YES. CPN said why and I don't know how I feel about that surely you should tell us. I replied- I don't trust you (she had just illustrated why above), yes I can record you, I cant use it in a case of law, you are in my house now.
My mum says- we don't do anything as a family. I say, my dad is 70yrs, working f/t 8-5pm, he comes home eats, helps with the washing up etc, watched tv and by which time its bedtime. On saturday he goes to do the food shop and its better he is out then at home with this tension and her stress. Sunday he washes his own clothes, irons sometimes does the hoover. SO when do you purpose he goes out as a family???!! He is tired. not only this when they do go out its to do what her interest are. My dad says we are going to our sons abroad in 2 wks for 3wks!!
I said don't pressure my dad to spend all the time and throw tantrums if you don't get what you want. Mum says it my money and she does not spend, spend, spend. Its her pension. I say, I don't care what you do with you money spend it all on sweets! She does pressure him to buy expensive jewellery, want expensive house renovations etc. Remember he is the only one earning!! I wanted to list my mums behaviour but the medical lot were not interested.
Again the question was asked because psychologist says these are only e.gs. What can we do going forward? I said you clearly don't understand, she antagonises my dad, he retaliates and the cycle begins. Its not mensa puzzle, you would think with all the letters after the psychologists name he would see a pattern emerging!! I said you can educate my mum about alzheimer's as she has no interest in learning. My mum says that's untrue She went to the library yesterday and was reading a book on alzheimer's. Well, one book makes you the expert, I'm sure she picked up on the basic knowledge. She's the one who can not comprehend the simplest of things. Its not, its fact she has told me and my siblings a number of times. If that is true then she would be tolerate, empathise and sympathetic. I asked why was the CPN involved, she replies to support my mum and i say and educate! What has she learned??!! What have you picked up? The CPN asks mum if she can reveal any details of their meetings and my mum said no or there will be an arguement. Begs the question if the CPN is asking permission if she can reveal, why wasn't my dad asked permission for my mum to attend his last memory appt?
CPN says she thinks it is fine for her to shortly stop supporting my mum. Good riddance, I have taken a dislike to her.
CPN says my mum should be attending the memory clinic with my dad for support rather than me. Seriously, they have to be kidding...you want a menatlly, unbalanced individual to support someone with alzheimer's. The same individual who mocks, gloats, antagonised and purposing confused my dad. Care in the community, I think not. CPN went on to say when I was working and living away over summer she is of the opinion mum and dad were working together. That's rubbish, in 30mins ad hoc appts she can identify this?? Why doesn't she work for Mi5, she missed her calling. I know when I returned home after summer my dads condition had gradually got worse. Begs the question why????
As this was an hr appt they ran out of time. My mum went and rang my brother and any stray that would listen. I went out to a friends. Dad went back to work.
I've just got back in I am so tired, stressed and feeling under the weather. Spoke to my sister and she says leave and she will rent a place for us. But I'm worried about my dad. He wants to divorce only he keeps asking my mum, almost for her blessing and she will never give that. I want my dad far away from my mum as possible. She is so manipulative, twisted eveything and toxic...the oscar goes to my mum!!
I dont know how long I can put up with my mum and the way she fools the 'experts'
Thank you all for thinking of me, I've just logged and will reply back!
Hi Ooster22 and 2jays!!
I really appreciate your posts, its the little things that matter...like this!!!
Sorry for the delay, after the appt I couldn't stay in the house so I went round a friends for a most of the day, got to keep sane!
I've just posted a rather long update, hope you have a coffee handy...well, its Friday so maybe a glass or two of vino
Thank you very much, its really kind of you to check on me and be thinking of me!!
xx
I really appreciate your posts, its the little things that matter...like this!!!
Sorry for the delay, after the appt I couldn't stay in the house so I went round a friends for a most of the day, got to keep sane!
I've just posted a rather long update, hope you have a coffee handy...well, its Friday so maybe a glass or two of vino
Thank you very much, its really kind of you to check on me and be thinking of me!!
xx
So.... A pretty un eventful day then what an awful experiencestill trying to absorb what you have written about today
don't blame you taking some time out
going to have to read it again before I can write anymore
only got hugs
((HUGS))
still trying to absorb what you have written about today
don't blame you taking some time out
going to have to read it again before I can write anymore
only got hugs
((HUGS))
Absolutely, total waste of time. I was expecting some steps towards a resolution but also knew the appt was an hour long so realistically not much would be achieved. There is no follow up only told I must take a back seat regarding my dads memory clinic appts.
Ah yes, my thesis...take your time, no rush. I do hope it makes sense, knowing me typing like a crazy it may not make total sense.
I thought I would post my update first as I promised and has the feeling you guys may be wondering how it went and then I'm off to make dinner. Totally shattered today.
Thanks for checking on me!!
xx
At least you know why you didn't get a letter - your Mum has refused permission to share information with you.
I love how the medical persist in listening to those who don't have a good mental state how things are and then take them as gospel!
Thanks for you reply!!
I couldn't agree with you more, its absurd that someone unbalanced would hold such weight and not be questioned. Its basic logic- collect all the facts, cross reference source/argument and analyse then conclude. I'm so disappointed with all of the medical lot that came round today. It seems they don't want to delve deeper and realise the impact of my mums mental instability on my dad.
Yep, spot on I now know my mum is being plain awkward. Funny thing is she has permissions sent up on her medical file for me however as my mum was present in the meeting, understandably the CPN asked for her directly for permission.
xx
I have just caught up and have been reading this thread of your's. I'm amazed you are still sane! You poor thing - and your poor dad - what a horrendous mess to be in. Do you manage to hold down a job while all this is going on? I think your sister has the right idea - would you be able to persuade your father to go with you?
I love your comment about the recording - how clever of you to do this, and how farsighted. Perhaps she'll be more careful to look after her memory now!
I can't offer any advice - I'm just full of admiration for you in managing to cope with it all. with lots of sympathy.X
You poor thing - and your poor dad - what a horrendous mess to be in. Do you manage to hold down a job while all this is going on? I think your sister has the right idea - would you be able to persuade your father to go with you? I love your comment about the recording - how clever of you to do this, and how farsighted. Perhaps she'll be more careful to look after her memory now!
I can't offer any advice - I'm just full of admiration for you in managing to cope with it all. with lots of sympathy.X
I have just caught up and have been reading this thread of your's. I'm amazed you are still sane!
I love your comment about the recording - how clever of you to do this, and how farsighted. Perhaps she'll be more careful to look after her memory now!
I can't offer any advice - I'm just full of admiration for you in managing to cope with it all. with lots of sympathy.X
Hi Saffie,
Thanks for your reply and support, you did make me laugh and that is a bonus after today, thank you! Strange thing is after today I went through a range of emotions starting with 'I can’t believe this appt outcome' which swiftly changed to anger/frustration
at the lack of response from the medical lot/my mum etc. By which point I had left the house before spontaneously combusting . Then I felt ill, acute sinus head/cheek bone ache which was an added distraction. I now feel worse health wise (not quite ready for bed) but I swear it’s the stress manifesting and being overwhelmed. I must say the TP forum and replies have kept me sane, everyone has really helped me get through this crazy time
. If I had not discovered this I think I would be alone with the drip drab support.I don't work and live at home with the folks. Thankfully not working and doing this however unfortunate because I think if i got a job now, I may view it as my way out had it not been for my dad.
My sister has spoken to my dad this evening and he says he is seriously considering divorce however he 'may' address it when he returns from a holiday at my brothers, so that's next yr. My sister stressed she will look after him and not to worry. My dad however is from the old school generation where despite what issues life throws once you are married you stick together so he does and always will feel responsible for mum to his detriment.
Ha ha yes the recording, oh what a picture their faces were
and they stumbled thinking of what they could reply with. I have had many dealing with the NHS before, even for my appts where consultants can’t be relied upon to make accurate notes and yet verbally make statement, dis/agree etc. I do know they can be over worked but there is always room for error. Its always best to use the mobile phone and use the record function. My top advice to anyone out there. Absolutely, she will watch what she will say in future, lesson executed and taught well.Thanks for your reassurance and empathy
xx
Where oh where has common sense gone these days?
J
grumpy old woman
Dear Grumpy old woman hope you are grumpy no more
I know its like the all graduated from the 'easy learning centre'...Honours in primary colours. Daft bunch.
Totally, sometimes logic flies out the window, stupid huh. I just could get them to see the pattern of the cycle, I did think this situation warrant crayons and big sheets of white paper.
Ah well, what's done is done for now....on to the next drama, which fingers crossed will not be to soon.
Hope you are ok xx
Sorry I didn't reply sooner - just read your account of the meeting UNBELIEVABLE - these so called professionals. Can just see the headlines if (GOD FORBID) anything happened to your dad - would be something like 'Department admits they missed the signs, lessons will be learned blah blah'.
I know how much you worry about and care for your dad, BUT I really think for your own sanity, if it is at all possible you should start looking for your own place. You have to start thinking about yourself as well as your dad, your health is suffering and to be in the midst of such conflict with your mum day in and day out is so not good for you.
Take time during your break from them over Christmas to really think about you and what is best for you. You want to protect your dad and look out for him but maybe, for your sake, it should be done from a bit of a distance? If a full time move out is really not possible due to money, do spend as much time with your friends as poss.
Sorry, don't mean to nag but I'm worried about YOU. Anyway I think you did brilliantly at the meeting - would have loved to see their faces when you said you'd recorded the previous meeting - FANTASTIC.
Shed loads of love and support to you
From another grumpy (and nagging) old woman!!!!!
xxxxxxx
I know how much you worry about and care for your dad, BUT I really think for your own sanity, if it is at all possible you should start looking for your own place. You have to start thinking about yourself as well as your dad, your health is suffering and to be in the midst of such conflict with your mum day in and day out is so not good for you.
Take time during your break from them over Christmas to really think about you and what is best for you. You want to protect your dad and look out for him but maybe, for your sake, it should be done from a bit of a distance? If a full time move out is really not possible due to money, do spend as much time with your friends as poss.
Sorry, don't mean to nag but I'm worried about YOU. Anyway I think you did brilliantly at the meeting - would have loved to see their faces when you said you'd recorded the previous meeting - FANTASTIC.
Shed loads of love and support to you
From another grumpy (and nagging) old woman!!!!!
xxxxxxx
Lots of sympathy from me too.
However Ooster's right, you really need to distance yourself from this and leave your mum and dad to resolve their differences in a way that suits them; any decision to separate/divorce is something for them to decide, not you or your sister. Sorry if that sounds harsh; I don't mean it that way. You just seem to be too closely involved in their relationship at the moment.
I don't understand why my SIL stays with her husband* as she slags him off at every opportunity. I've had to learn to bite my tongue on many occasions because, when it comes down to it, it's none of my business. Frankly, I'm just amazed he puts up with HER
However, if you were to get your own place, a job and your own life back on track, then you'd be able to offer sanctuary for your dad if he needed it and also it would serve as an example to him that yes, walking out of a bad relationship (like you have with your mum) is possible.
* actually that's not true. She wouldn't manage financially if she walked out. Don't underestimate that as a reason for staying with a partner you actively dislike.
However Ooster's right, you really need to distance yourself from this and leave your mum and dad to resolve their differences in a way that suits them; any decision to separate/divorce is something for them to decide, not you or your sister. Sorry if that sounds harsh; I don't mean it that way. You just seem to be too closely involved in their relationship at the moment.
I don't understand why my SIL stays with her husband* as she slags him off at every opportunity. I've had to learn to bite my tongue on many occasions because, when it comes down to it, it's none of my business. Frankly, I'm just amazed he puts up with HER
However, if you were to get your own place, a job and your own life back on track, then you'd be able to offer sanctuary for your dad if he needed it and also it would serve as an example to him that yes, walking out of a bad relationship (like you have with your mum) is possible.
* actually that's not true. She wouldn't manage financially if she walked out. Don't underestimate that as a reason for staying with a partner you actively dislike.
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No worries Ooster, thanks for your reply. I hope you are well!
You are not nagging just shows you care and that's kind and I really appreciate it! Its lovely to hear someone looking out for me for a change.
Yep, total joke and unbelievable...cant believe we are meant to be advised and cared for by these people, its absurd. I agree the headline would read that way and 'we can learn from this experience', whatever
! The CPN is implying I am the cause of the friction etc because in her opinion the folks were fine when I was working away over summer . I know this is my mums doing, telling tales and playing the victim. They were not ok, when I returned dad was more confused etc than when I left.Oh their faces were a picture, if only I could of filmed them too! I don't think they ever expected someone to record them. I encourage everyone to do it.
You are right, I feel unhealthy since moving back, constantly stressed and tense. I'm eating all my meals in my bedroom (that's when I can use the kitchen) and living in there room now to avoid my mum. At least I have the laptop!! Think its all taken its toll. Funnily enough I was speaking to my sister last night and said the same thing- I've had enough and want to leave, I cant take this anymore, reached breaking point. She understood and when she comes up for Xmas we are going to devise a plan of attack so I can leave, fingers crossed. Of course then I felt bad and worried about dad but I cant do more then I'm doing. Maybe distance might actually be the key, this way they can both stop relying on me and take control again.
Money is a big problem so I'm not sure how a move would work yet but I think my sister will help. I apply for jobs everyday however I often wonder if I had an interview, I know in this current start I would not perform at my best. I need a calm, stress free environment to prep' and go over things etc. Got to find a way of letting go and keeping tabs on dad from a distance. You make sense.
Maybe older but wiser!!
Thank you for your advice, support and looking out for me, means a lot!!!
xx
Lots of sympathy from me too.
However Ooster's right, you really need to distance yourself from this and leave your mum and dad to resolve their differences in a way that suits them; any decision to separate/divorce is something for them to decide, not you or your sister. Sorry if that sounds harsh; I don't mean it that way. You just seem to be too closely involved in their relationship at the moment.
I don't understand why my SIL stays with her husband* as she slags him off at every opportunity. I've had to learn to bite my tongue on many occasions because, when it comes down to it, it's none of my business. Frankly, I'm just amazed he puts up with HER
However, if you were to get your own place, a job and your own life back on track, then you'd be able to offer sanctuary for your dad if he needed it and also it would serve as an example to him that yes, walking out of a bad relationship (like you have with your mum) is possible.
* actually that's not true. She wouldn't manage financially if she walked out. Don't underestimate that as a reason for staying with a partner you actively dislike.
Thanks Chemmy!
I'm beginning to think distance is the way forward, I don't want to be away from my dad however all of this is affecting me adversely. I just posted a reply to Ooster, I'm definitely going to take time over Xmas and decide what to do with my sister (you're not being harsh). Having the place to myself means I'll be able to think clearly, focus on me for a change. Its not like I interfere in their relationship (I'm not implying you said that) more like I dragged into their arguments and then expected to attend medical appts, cook, clean and act as P.A. If I tell them no, you figure it out, mum especially throws a tantrum. I have even said you must learn how to do these things for yourself in the event I am no longer living at home. I think mum is lazy, I know I sound mean she has health issues but........well mental issues now.
I agree my mum and dad should be the ones to decide about divorcing and not my sister and I. However my dad says he wants to divorce and has told my mum. She says 'why should i and no'. I assure dad he doesn't need to seek her permission. Never tell if he is crying wolf.
You mentioned your SIL and she could be sticking with her husband for financial reasons. That is exactly the reason why my mum doesn't want a divorce, she stands to loose out and in no way be able to cope financially on her own. But then you would think she would make an effort but like your SIL doesn't.
You're right, having my own place would serve as a sanctuary. He loved coming to visit me before, acted as a day out and about in another environment for him.
Thank you for your support, advice and a listening ear helps no end. I really appreciate it!!
xx
Not grumpy..... but still old
Older but wiser!!!
xx
Separation or divorce is not a step to be taken lightly for either party, as I assume assets (house/ pensions/savings) would have to be split to cover the costs of running two households.
This looks like a useful site
http://divorce.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/
If you could offer your dad a bolt-hole to escape to when he needs to, this might be all he needs. This could be an achievable option in the short term.
There are some awful women around. When my uncle lost his wife some years back, he 'married in haste and repented at leisure' all right, as he had been looking for a housekeeper and his new wife was clearly just after a meal ticket. Once she had him hooked, she gave him merry hell. He used to be on the phone to my dad, moaning about this shrew of a woman and plotting to get himself a small flat somewhere, but he never had the bottle to do anything about it.
This looks like a useful site
http://divorce.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/
If you could offer your dad a bolt-hole to escape to when he needs to, this might be all he needs. This could be an achievable option in the short term.
There are some awful women around. When my uncle lost his wife some years back, he 'married in haste and repented at leisure' all right, as he had been looking for a housekeeper and his new wife was clearly just after a meal ticket. Once she had him hooked, she gave him merry hell. He used to be on the phone to my dad, moaning about this shrew of a woman and plotting to get himself a small flat somewhere, but he never had the bottle to do anything about it.
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definitely reminds me of living at home when I was a teenager and I understand the desperation to get away - I had to for my own sanity. Despite telling my uncle he was going to leave mum when I grew up, he has stayed with her and they are closer than ever now.
I am going to play devil's advocate now though - be warned!
I am not sure it is legal to record people without their knowledge, whether you are doing it for a good reason or not. I think it would be best to say at the beginning of meetings that you plan to record them so that you remember yourself what was said and to prevent any misunderstandings. There really should not be any objection to you recording anything if you are up front about it.
From your posts - and that is all I have to go on - you sound (understandably) angry and upset about the situation you're in. I don't think that the professionals see why you are frustrated and angry. If I walked into your house as a psychologist I would not know all the background and I would see a man with early dementia, his wife who was acting nice as anything and an frustrated daughter who is caught in the middle of things. From the sounds of it, they have also suggested you step back a bit (although it is very hard not to be so involved when you live there and know why they behave in a certain way).
I am still playing devil's advocate but I don't want to upset you, I just want you to look from a different perspective. Bearing in mind what the professionals saw is very little of what actually happens in your family, what did you really expect them to do? It isn't their role to referee or to suggest splitting up, only make suggestions as to how best to help a family get through the huge difficulties that dementia brings. If they can't offer anything then they will withdraw their service.
It does sound to me like your dad is best off alone but it may cause more heartache for him to be alone than to remain married, even at this stage. You really do need to get away and let them fight their own battles to a greater extent than is possible at the moment.
I do hope you get time to think and withdraw a bit from the family dynamic at the moment. All the best.
I am going to play devil's advocate now though - be warned!
I am not sure it is legal to record people without their knowledge, whether you are doing it for a good reason or not. I think it would be best to say at the beginning of meetings that you plan to record them so that you remember yourself what was said and to prevent any misunderstandings. There really should not be any objection to you recording anything if you are up front about it.
From your posts - and that is all I have to go on - you sound (understandably) angry and upset about the situation you're in. I don't think that the professionals see why you are frustrated and angry. If I walked into your house as a psychologist I would not know all the background and I would see a man with early dementia, his wife who was acting nice as anything and an frustrated daughter who is caught in the middle of things. From the sounds of it, they have also suggested you step back a bit (although it is very hard not to be so involved when you live there and know why they behave in a certain way).
I am still playing devil's advocate but I don't want to upset you, I just want you to look from a different perspective. Bearing in mind what the professionals saw is very little of what actually happens in your family, what did you really expect them to do? It isn't their role to referee or to suggest splitting up, only make suggestions as to how best to help a family get through the huge difficulties that dementia brings. If they can't offer anything then they will withdraw their service.
It does sound to me like your dad is best off alone but it may cause more heartache for him to be alone than to remain married, even at this stage. You really do need to get away and let them fight their own battles to a greater extent than is possible at the moment.
I do hope you get time to think and withdraw a bit from the family dynamic at the moment. All the best.
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