Clinical psychologist with memory issues, ironic

[xyz]

Hi Everyone,

I've just discovered from invading my mums room whilst she is out (I know my bad) that apparently the clinical psychologist is due to visit tomorrow at 9.30am in which they have requested my dad and I are present. I'm so livid, my mum hasn't even told me but has told dad. She told my dad today but he was only home for lunch and so didn't mention it to me and frankly my mum should be the one saying it.

Bearing in mind my mum has some sort of undiagnosed mental issue and mocks my dad for his alzheimer's....I mean the CPN organised these shrink appts for my mum so she could deal with her issues and work on herself

In the last visit to the memory clinic (for dad) I told the nurse and recorded my conversation (I dont trust the NHS- always seem to get things wrong) stating that if this meeting was the happen and my presence is required they better call me as I don't think my mum will tell me. I mean what is the point of having people working in the memory clinic if they have no memory, goldfish!! I'm not telepathic......

So annoyed and needed a place to vent.

Now my dilemma- do I attend or go AWOL for the day????? Any thoughts?

I guess if I dont know then I should carry on my day the way I deem fit. However I think she will twist things and make it look like I'm the awkward one. On the other hand it may be worht staying so I can have my say about the way my mum carrys on.

Thanks

 

[Katrine]

Turn up at 9am, these people often arrive early if it suits them. I think you should be there - it is certainly in your dad's best interests. If your mum kicks off just say you were invited, which you were. She doesn't have to know that you sneaked a look at the letter, they might have sent you a copy too. Good luck.

 

[ooster22]

Definitely think you should be there - good luck. Let us know what happens.

((hugs))

xx

 

[xyz]

Turn up at 9am, these people often arrive early if it suits them. I think you should be there - it is certainly in your dad's best interests. If your mum kicks off just say you were invited, which you were. She doesn't have to know that you sneaked a look at the letter, they might have sent you a copy too. Good luck.

Thank you Katrine


Aaaaghhhh decisions, decisions your right it is in my dads best interests...I still dont want to go only because no one ever tells me anything and I'm always left in the middle to sort out the mess. Gosh I'm still venting.....not at you tho. Seems my dad is just getting on with things and my mum is the one who needs more help (odd considering she protests to much about having nothing wrong with her ). They will visit the folks at home (and I live there too) but its only an hour appt.

I doubt they will even begin to tackle the first of many issues. Quite annoyed, now my mum has told my dad and he has to take last minute time off work which doesn't look good. I swear my mum is sent to test us.

Thanks for the luck....may the force be with me

 

[xyz]

Definitely think you should be there - good luck. Let us know what happens.

((hugs))

xx

Hi Ooster22,

Thanks for your reply....drat, drat, drat Silly that I cant decide on my own but sometimes you just need other peoples take on the matter. Food for thought, both you and Katrine make good points. I'll def' update you.

Thanks xx

 

[Onlyme]

Quite annoyed, now my mum has told my dad and he has to take last minute time off work which doesn't look good. I swear my mum is sent to test us.

Did she do it on purpose so she has told him but then he won't be there or will be flustered? She will probably tell you as you are going out the door.

 

[2jays]

your post with my comments

I've just discovered from invading my mums room whilst she is out excellent, a woman after my heart that apparently the clinical psychologist is due to visit tomorrow at 9.30am in which they have requested my dad and I are present....... WHAT??!!

In the last visit to the memory clinic (for dad) I told the nurse and recorded my conversation ........stating that if this meeting was the happen and my presence is required they better call me as I don't think my mum will tell me you too? lovely how they take notice isn't it

So annoyed Snap

I guess if I dont know then I should carry on my day the way I deem fit. I deem it fit you go and drop your mother in the sh1*

However I think she will twist things and make it look like I'm the awkward one. On the other hand it may be worht staying so I can have my say about the way my mum carrys on. Go for it. It can only get worse for a short time, (well, agree it may feel like years) but at least you will have "brought it out into the open" and maybe she will prove the point herself

Sorry sounds harsh and unkind and flippant, not being flippant honest, but having read your posts, you will not be dropping her in the sh stuff, you will be doing her a kindness.

As I have said before somewhere..... Easy to say, hard to do...... I will be with you supporting you if you do decide to go AND if you dont

xx

 

[xyz]

Did she do it on purpose so she has told him but then he won't be there or will be flustered? She will probably tell you as you are going out the door.

Hi Onlyme,

I suspect my mum has had this letter for a while but she has developed this habit of late of not telling us vital information until the 11th hour and then playing the victim...so I guess my answer is on purpose. My dad will be upset tomorrow and then go back into work....I know my mum is going to try to gang up on my dad and make him look worse than he is doing. Poor thing tries so hard.


Ha ha, maybe...but I think my mum wont say anything as we haven't spoken since last week Thursday , the day I had to disclose her medical conditions to the dvla and she threw an almighty tantrum.

Just when I thought I could relax and have a normal evening.

 

[xyz]

your post with my comments

I've just discovered from invading my mums room whilst she is out excellent, a woman after my heart that apparently the clinical psychologist is due to visit tomorrow at 9.30am in which they have requested my dad and I are present....... WHAT??!!

In the last visit to the memory clinic (for dad) I told the nurse and recorded my conversation ........stating that if this meeting was the happen and my presence is required they better call me as I don't think my mum will tell me you too? lovely how they take notice isn't it

So annoyed Snap

I guess if I dont know then I should carry on my day the way I deem fit. I deem it fit you go and drop your mother in the sh1*

However I think she will twist things and make it look like I'm the awkward one. On the other hand it may be worht staying so I can have my say about the way my mum carrys on. Go for it. It can only get worse for a short time, (well, agree it may feel like years) but at least you will have "brought it out into the open" and maybe she will prove the point herself

Sorry sounds harsh and unkind and flippant, not being flippant honest, but having read your posts, you will not be dropping her in the sh stuff, you will be doing her a kindness.

As I have said before somewhere..... Easy to say, hard to do...... I will be with you supporting you if you do decide to go AND if you dont

xx

Hi 2Jays,


You never fail to make me laugh!! I actually found this part the most funniest 'I deem it fit you go and drop your mother in the sh1* '


I long for a ceasefire.


Yeah, what is the with the keeping things and taking a blind bit of notice or lack off.


You're not being harsh, flippant or unkind (wanted to here peoples thought on this one). I do think my mum will like you said prove the point herself. It will hit the fan if I stay and address matters with her goldfish of a shrink and CPN but they have finally decided to go to my brothers so it will be funny if he has to pitch in and finally deal and defuse the situation. Mind you that's not for another 2 weeks.....2weeks of living in the gaza...not good


Thank you for your support tho, thats kind of you to say!! I better check through my notes on their behaviour and arm myself with right ammo, mine field galore.


xx

 

[hollycat]

Whilst looking through a few quotes last night, myself wondering what is right and what is wrong, what best to do, what not best to do I just think of this below. Hope it helps:

Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere.”
― Albert Einstein

 

[Chemmy]

Is the clinical psychologist coming to see your mum?

If so, does your dad actually need to be there if he's only going to get more confused? It might be better if it's just you and your mum and then perhaps you can speak more frankly without upsetting your dad.

Just a thought - good luck either way.

 

[Katrine]

Many years ago, when I was newly married, every visit to my parents would result in my mother being Mrs. Hospitality Sunshine for a few hours, then picking fights with me, making me look difficult and unreasonable, and then, with a tinkling laugh, bullying everyone else present into agreeing with her because they were too scared to confront. After another such day from hell we retired to bed and I sobbed as quietly as I could so she couldn't hear me and barge into our room for another round of self-justifying recriminations. My husband admitted that he was a spineless coward in not answering her back, but he said "Remember, YOUR MOTHER IS NOT NORMAL! If I get on the wrong side of her we'll never hear the end of it, but if I upset you then I can talk you round.

And from this story take the message: YOUR MOTHER IS NOT NORMAL. YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT. YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT. You are so used to playing your mother's game and squashing your own rights and feelings for fear of a) tantrums b) silent oppressive sulking c) distress to your dad. Assume that outsiders see you as a sensible adult, not the naughty child your mum likes to portray.

Watch your own body language carefully when they are there. Sit or stand straight, don't twist your hands, pout, frown or sigh; don't look as if you are a child. You don't have to be smiley, serious is natural in these circumstances. If you get upset that's OK as well, but upset because of the situation not upset because you are getting attacked. The aim is to distance yourself from the game, to see it from the outside as these professionals will do. Keep saying to yourself, THIS IS HER GAME, I AM NOT PLAYING.

 

[2jays]

Hi 2Jays,


You never fail to make me laugh!!

If I ever dont make you laugh - you must tell me if I am being inappropriate.

It will hit the fan if I stay and address matters with her goldfish of a shrink and CPN but they have finally decided to go to my brothers so it will be funny if he has to pitch in and finally deal and defuse the situation

Neutral ground.....not a bad idea

brother has to pitch in........

 

[xyz]

Whilst looking through a few quotes last night, myself wondering what is right and what is wrong, what best to do, what not best to do I just think of this below. Hope it helps:

Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere.”
― Albert Einstein

Hi Hollycat,


That is a great quote, its so hard second guessing- was it right, wasn't it, what if I had done x or y. And it does help, maybe I need to think outside the box.


I'm taking from that my mum wont expect me to attend this meeting and I should ambush her with the element of surprise....

I know that's not what you said, guess I'm making light of a serious situation, well serious enough for our household.


Thank you

 

[xyz]

Is the clinical psychologist coming to see your mum?

If so, does your dad actually need to be there if he's only going to get more confused? It might be better if it's just you and your mum and then perhaps you can speak more frankly without upsetting your dad.

Just a thought - good luck either way.

Hi Chemmy,


Thanks for replying. Yes that's right its the clinical psychologist. I got the CPN from my dads memory clinic to visit my mum as per their suggestion to try to educate her and be a place for her to vent her frustrations dealing with my dads alzheimer's. At the time I thought great, hopefully she will gain something from these visits. The CPN felt my mum should see a psychologist as she unearthed other issues my mum wasn't dealing well with. So tomorrow the CPN and psychologist have requested we are all present. Personally I think my mum has been making my dad sound worse to the psychologist. Plus as neither get on with each other I think the meeting is about how they can learn to cope with one another and alzheimer's, more of an understanding. I'm required because I am also part of this crazy situation and live at home. Considering I've been proactive gaining information etc etc I take it as a bit of insult.


It would be better if this was about my mum only as she has many issues to deal with however its going to turn into- dads lost the plot, she cant cope, lets put him in a home. Sure things are not right with dad but he is in no way ready to go to a home. Also he wants to separate but keeps seeking my mums approval and she would never give that. Keep telling him he does not need to seek approval if he is serious about it.


Thanks for listening!

 

[xyz]

Many years ago, when I was newly married, every visit to my parents would result in my mother being Mrs. Hospitality Sunshine for a few hours, then picking fights with me, making me look difficult and unreasonable, and then, with a tinkling laugh, bullying everyone else present into agreeing with her because they were too scared to confront. After another such day from hell we retired to bed and I sobbed as quietly as I could so she couldn't hear me and barge into our room for another round of self-justifying recriminations. My husband admitted that he was a spineless coward in not answering her back, but he said "Remember, YOUR MOTHER IS NOT NORMAL! If I get on the wrong side of her we'll never hear the end of it, but if I upset you then I can talk you round.

And from this story take the message: YOUR MOTHER IS NOT NORMAL. YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT. YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT. You are so used to playing your mother's game and squashing your own rights and feelings for fear of a) tantrums b) silent oppressive sulking c) distress to your dad. Assume that outsiders see you as a sensible adult, not the naughty child your mum likes to portray.

Watch your own body language carefully when they are there. Sit or stand straight, don't twist your hands, pout, frown or sigh; don't look as if you are a child. You don't have to be smiley, serious is natural in these circumstances. If you get upset that's OK as well, but upset because of the situation not upset because you are getting attacked. The aim is to distance yourself from the game, to see it from the outside as these professionals will do. Keep saying to yourself, THIS IS HER GAME, I AM NOT PLAYING.

Hi Katrine,


Gosh, you had to endure a difficult and tricky situation that your mother created. Its must of been an extremely hard situation to be in and break the cycle and put yourself first. Its horrible but from your story I can identify the comparisons. Wow that is such valuable advice, thank you very much!!! Point a, b and c are spot on. I must not be an enabler.


I think I'm going to have to attend, gawd knows I don't want to and would much rather be anywhere else but If I don't go I have no control or say on what my mum says and my dad will not be able to stick up for himself. I know my mum will make it all about me and my behaviour, honestly I wish we had CCTV in the house so I could prove I am not at fault. I've simply reached my limit with her tantrums and mood swings, its unhealthy for me.


I appreciate the points you raised regarding the body language, there is a certain way I need to come across. I will bear this in mind tomorrow. Psychologists being psychologists will be looking at every detail. I should play him my recording of the nurse agreeing to contact me and ironically didn't.


Thank you once again

 

[xyz]

If I ever dont make you laugh - you must tell me if I am being inappropriate.



Neutral ground.....not a bad idea

brother has to pitch in........

No worries, all good and will do

Yep brother has to do his bit now and roll those sleeves up

 

[Katrine]

I know my mum will make it all about me and my behaviour

- yes she may do but there is an answer to that: "This is not about me, mum." A response that can be repeated as many times as necessary, and on other occasions.

Tomorrow I think the psychologist would pick that cue to redirect the discussion away from personal attacks. It's not a family counselling session, it is an assessment of your mum. Yes she's very skilled at turning any threatening situation around and making it all about someone else, but that is in fact part of her personality problem, as well as being ingrained behaviour.

And she'll go on doing it unless something intervenes, which might be counselling at a later stage. Don't hold out too many hopes on that score because manipulative people are very skilled at derailing counsellors. Anyway, that's not tomorrow's agenda, other than to remind you of what you already know, that it is NOT about you and your many supposed crimes and failings it's far more about how your mum behaves towards your vulnerable dad.

Stay strong. Toxic relationships are so draining; you don't fully realise this until you are able to get away, or severely limit contact with the toxic person. Sorry to describe your mum in that way, but I'm sure you know what I mean. You must already be a very strong person to deal with this every day. Don't think you are failing because you are feeling so bad at the moment - no-one can be eternally resilient in the face of such negativity.

I'll be thinking about you and sending you virtual strength and support. Katrine x

 

[xyz]

- yes she may do but there is an answer to that: "This is not about me, mum." A response that can be repeated as many times as necessary, and on other occasions.

Tomorrow I think the psychologist would pick that cue to redirect the discussion away from personal attacks. It's not a family counselling session, it is an assessment of your mum. Yes she's very skilled at turning any threatening situation around and making it all about someone else, but that is in fact part of her personality problem, as well as being ingrained behaviour.

And she'll go on doing it unless something intervenes, which might be counselling at a later stage. Don't hold out too many hopes on that score because manipulative people are very skilled at derailing counsellors. Anyway, that's not tomorrow's agenda, other than to remind you of what you already know, that it is NOT about you and your many supposed crimes and failings it's far more about how your mum behaves towards your vulnerable dad.

Stay strong. Toxic relationships are so draining; you don't fully realise this until you are able to get away, or severely limit contact with the toxic person. Sorry to describe your mum in that way, but I'm sure you know what I mean. You must already be a very strong person to deal with this every day. Don't think you are failing because you are feeling so bad at the moment - no-one can be eternally resilient in the face of such negativity.

I'll be thinking about you and sending you virtual strength and support. Katrine x

Thanks Katrine, you make so many experienced and valuable points. I really appreciate your reply, you have certainly given me positive things to focus on, sometimes I do feel like the lone ranger! I will use the deflection suggestion 'its not about me more mum' . Think the meeting is 'allegedly' meant to about mum and dads ability to understand and move forward, find ways they can cope when e.g dad repeats etc. How she can change her behaviour and the things I can highlight to the psychologist.


I even explained to her recently- remember when you had your TIA, remember how confused you were becoming months before until we realized you had to have a major urgent op on your cartroid artery. She agreed so at this point I said imagine you were like that all the time. Do you remember how patient we all were with you. At this point she said but and aaaghhhh walked away. Zero empathy or sympathy, to me that's selfish behaviour especially if she is gloating she has nothing mentally wrong with her. My dad didn't wake up one morning and thought, just for kicks this is what I will do going forward, it will make my wife really mad. But you cant say a good word against my dad, she want us to mocks him and that will never happen. Poor thing is scared of spending to much time with me incase my mum caught him. He wont even ring my sister from the house.


I have just re-written war on peace regarding my mums behaviour with e.g's. I will take my notes downstairs for when the psychologist and CPN arrives. I was beginning to feel guilty wondering if my honesty will push mum over the edge and then I'll have to deal with all of that as she has a tendency to self harm but not in a suicide way but not eating properly, taking medication when she is diabetic. Often locking herself in her room on her own. I do feel sorry for her, guess that makes me human but in the same breath I have reached my limits with the erratic behaviour and zero diagnosis. Funny that she still hasn't told me about this appt, my dad has at 5pm.


Funny that you mention my mum manipulative ways to fool a counsellor. Recently another senior CPN came with the regular one to visit my mum, they all went out as I was at home. The senior CPN remarked in my dads recent memory appt that to her my mum seemed normal. I think to myself after all the yrs training and you cant identify if a person is paraphrasing, giggling and nodding in the right places this does not mean the person comprehends what they are saying. She mimics, copies behaviours of others so no one suspects but I do because I know her actions are not registering with the brain/mouth.


I am not offended by anything you have said. In fact I have recently been referring to my mum as 'toxic' (to my sister) especially in regards to the relationship she has with my dad, sister and me. Unfortunately I'm the only sibling living at home.


Never a truer word, 100% draining and oddly enough two of my Dr's (my old one where I lived- warned me not to move back but my mum was ill so I gave up my flat to look after) and current one both told me not to move back and my mums behaviour with me is manipulative, emotional blackmail, guilt etc.


My fear is my dad will side with my mum as she has spent the evening buttering him up- united they stand, how annoying. But I've just manged to reming him to speak up and say he is not happy with my mums behaviour. I think she is worried.


I'll post an update tomorrow, not sure how i'll feel after tomorrow...don't think they will achieve much in hour.

Thank you for thinking of me! xx

 

[ooster22]

ALL THE VERY VERY BEST FOR THE MEETING

Thinking of you

Love and support
xxx