help! Please help!

[Farmergirl]

Ah...............we're not there yet.......

I imagine it will go something like this.....
She will attend quite happily for around a week and then start asking when she is going home.
The story will be given that Im not well enough yet for her to go home. Failing this, we also have the story of the cataract, the op for the cataract and the recuperation afterwards.
But, Im envisioning a rebellion at some time and probably before Christmas.

I have told SW she will NOT be coming back here.

 

[Chemmy]

White lies. A wonderful invention.

Tell as many as you need.

 

[Farmergirl]

Okay, so the proposed roof extention on her part of the building will be next......

amazing how many (not quite) lies you can think up when you need.


The cataract thing will happen, the roof extention will happen.... soon.

 

[Chemmy]

The cataract thing will happen, the roof extention will happen.... soon.

Good luck with those.

amazing how many (not quite) lies you can think up when you need.

Sounds like a good after-dinner game I'm pleased to see you are maintaining a sense of humour over all this rather than beating yourself up and being traumatised with guilt. If you can deal with it in this matter-of-fact way, with your head not your heart, I'm sure you'll find you'll be able to build up a better relationship with her once the burden of care has gone.

 

[Splat88]

I've only just caught up with your thread, and I'm really happy for you that its worked out this way. I relate to so much of what you say, we've lived with my MIL for 9 years and I've had conversations on TP before about those feelings when you don't particularly get on, my husband has never been close to her and she was "difficult" through all his childhood years. She even threw him out at at 16 because he didn't want to comply with her house rules and her new boyfriend, so when I first knew him he was sleeping in a field!!
Nevertheless, we also talked long and hard about having her to live with us and it was the only way to avoid almost constant panic phone calls and visits to her bungalow in the middle of the night. We too have a brother who still seems to be in denial, left the house clearance to us and when we take her to visit doesn't think she's too bad!!! In spite of the fact that at dinner out she told him she had a son who never bothers to see her ( she was talking about him!) He used to tell us she was putting it all on.
As we used the money from her house,and the money from our house to buy a bigger more suitable house, we are slightly trapped as if she goes into care, the money will have to be repaid.
I alternate between feeling sorry for her and sorry for myself, but you have given me hope that eventually I will have the strength to make that decision and hang the financial consequences!!

 

[Jo1958]

What good news, well done for sticking to your guns.

The future will take care of itself, don't worry about it now, the current plans are the best possible outcome for you all, great!

I'll be sending positive TP vibes for you tomorrow and have my fingers crossed that all goes smoothly. You can always take the case either before or after she arrives there if that might be a problem, you are so well organised though I'm sure you'll handle it extremely well.

Take good care of yourself, with best wishes from Jo

 

[Farmergirl]

Splatt - Its so swful that there are many of us having to go through having our lives turned upside down.
You mentioned your husband....
my mum threw my daughter (then aged 9) out into the car park at 9pm at night on our wedding anniversay a few years ago. She rang us on a neighbours phone and we never got to the bottom of it - Kate just cried and said 'gran is acting really weird'.
Ive never forgiven her for that, but I keep this anger to myself.
And my brother? Yes if his back is turned and he bends over Id better have my sunglasses on!!!!

Tomorrow should be fun. Well organised? Well - the plan is Im taking mum & 2 small cases!
My husband will wait till weve left the house and then quick as a flash unplug her flatscreen TV & digi box and stand, load them into his car and try and get there first. I will of course take the long way and fill up at ASDA's first......
then by prearranged mobile call he will alert me that the coast is clear - TV is installed.
I will take her there, settle her and comment - 'Look mum - you even have a TV here exactly like your one at home - that means you'll be able to work it'.

Im hoping she wont rumble us.

Then Im off home to change my phone number in case it all goes pear shaped.

 

[sussexsue]

Then Im off home to change my phone number in case it all goes pear shaped.

Ha Ha, like your thinking. Got your passport at the ready as well.

 

[Farmergirl]

Gotta keep my sense of humour!!!

If I hadnt i think Id have been in a box quite a few months ago....

Im hoping that tomorrow will go okay, and then we can slowly build on this.
Compromise is a great word - covers a multitude of sins.

If mum can still understand that no, its not the best solution, but its the best solution in the circumstances then maybe we have a chance...
We will not be locking her away, but will be still taking her to the pub on Sat evening, going for Sunday lunch, going out for tea and cake and going to the beach when the weather turns in the spring...
I want to have quality time with her not enforced servitude.

 

[Splat88]

Gotta keep my sense of humour!!!

I want to have quality time with her not enforced servitude.

My sentiments exactly!! Think MIL must be a bit further down the line as she can't use a TV remote or a phone, or even find the light switches come to that!! I do remember the sense of release when she was in hospital for a few days, so I am rooting for you that all goes well tomorrow and you can breathe a huge sigh of relief.

 

[Dibs]

Hope all goes well for your today.
Take care Dibs (Deborah) xx

 

[SWMBO1950]

Oh You Poor Thing

I really feel for you. My father in law was the same before he went into care (nearly 10 years ago - he is still alive) and at that moment in time it was very hard for my mother in law. As one of the other people has written this is just 'one small section' of her condition and it will pass. You have to understand - that she probably feels very confused - frightened/depressed even - and does not understand what is happening to her. You must contact your local social services (those who deal with the elderly) and request urgent help and stating you cannot cope any longer. Your local mental health trust would also be good if you contact them. Speak with your local Alzeimers branch who will be able to offer support and advice. In addition to my father in law we also have my 97 year old mother with dementia who like yours gives me such a lot of stress. Some days I cope better than others so I can understand how frustrated you feel. Dont try and cope on your own ask for help as you do not have to cope alone. Very Best Wishes

 

[sussexsue]

I want to have quality time with her not enforced servitude.

So very true. When I visited mum yesterday, I brushed her hair, did her nails and actually enjoyed being with her. It shook me that for the first time in over a year I was actually looking forward to seeing her. The Care Home has allowed me to re-establish this relationship. Now just have to convince the rest of the family she should stay there.

 

[Farmergirl]

Well, spent most of yesterdya aftrenoonmarking her stuff and packing her 2 cases.
Found some disgustinglydirty clothes in her drawers - she will NOT allow me to wash things forher.
So my laundry basket is full now!
Last night told her we would be up sharp to get the kids organised and get her to the place quite sharp as John was teaching all day. I have mentioned her respite every day to reinforce the fact that she is going,but every time it is greeted anew.
This morning she was very slow, and when I said I had her cases in the car she was very taken aback.
'Am I staying there for tonight?'
'No,mum not just one night. Your going for a little while to let me get some rest and get better.'
'Whats wrong with you?'
'Mum, dont you remember me telling you yesterday that the doctors want me to have a complete rest for a while to see if this stops my heart palpitations?'
'If your ill Ill just go to Scot5land'
'No, mum,your not able to live on your own any more, so you'll have a nice break at ******.'
When we arrived she got very tearful.......
I was quite brisk and settled her in.
'Here's Sue to help you put your clothes away'
Her eyes just overflowed.
'Remember Im coming on Monday to take you to see the eye consultant'
'What?'
'Remember, your going to the consultant to talk about your cataracts'
'I dont remember'
'Thats okay mum, Ill keep you right - see you Monday'.

A very long silent drive back.

 

[Chemmy]

She'll be fine. And so will you. Don't worry. We're all behind you on this.

 

[hazytron]

Good to hear of your achievements this morning, I don't imagine any of it was easy. I would like to thank you for your honest and frank posting of this part of your Dementia journey.

I may or may not be too far away from experiencing similar events with my Mum but when I do I will refer to this thread for reference and be grateful for all your experiences that you have shared with us all.

You have done a fantastic job in caring for your Mum and now it is time for you to have your life back.

Hazel

 

[Farmergirl]

Ooooh....................dont get me going now.....(whaaah, sniff sniff).

Im going to be very busy cleaning out stinky hens and wringing cockerels necks and weighing geese for Christmas.....
Anything just not to think about it.


XXX

 

[Jo1958]

Well done you!

Have a good day, it sounds like just the right sort of activities interacting with wildlife to keep your mind off this morning.

Have fun and I take my hat off to you for all you're doing for your mum, she's lucky to have such a caring and wonderful daughter.
With best wishes from Jo

 

[Dazmum]

A big step for you and with all your planning for today, you achieved it with no hassles to anyone, all done as calmly as possible in such a situation. You have done the right thing for your mum and she will be fine xxx

 

[Farmergirl]

yes.........all that planning.


Took her on Friday morning, she was very confused despite the fact that every day this week I have repeatedly told her she would be staying at ***** 'for a while'.
had a very flat Friday, went to bed at 10pm slept right through (I think the first good sleep in 6 months or so).
On Sat evening at 6.30pm the phone rang....and it was mum. You couldnt have shocked me more if you had shot me. How was I feeling now? When was i coming to get her?

I told her I only took you there yesterday morning mum, and im feeling the same now as i did then!

It transpires (after a phone call from brother today) that she phoned him fisr DEMANDING that he drive from Glasgow to collect her and take her home. He explained that he was flying to Amsterdam for business and that anyway, she had a hospital app for Monday that i was taking her to. Tears and demands later she hung up and then tried me.

I feel trapped...Im going to be hounded by this till I die or she dies, there is going to be no escape. I know this is illogical, but I am so distressed that even in a care home, I cant get away from her and that this is going to ruin my life.
I cant tell her on the phone what i want to - ie - 'mum you are losing your mind to this illness, I cant cope with it or you anymore or Im going to lose my mind', but this is what is screaming silently inside me.

I just want to die then at least I will get some peace. I should delete this last comment, but I have been honest throughout this whole experience and Im sure Im not the only one who has been there, but apart from never answering my phone when it rings; which realistically I cant do as we run a business from home (or at least did before she moved in) how do I deal with this now?