My beautiful mum has died

[Lucille]

Hello TP'ers who remember me

To let you know that my wonderful mum, died yesterday afternoon. I was glad (and privileged) to be with her at the end - which was peaceful.

I was very fortunate that despite her dementia she still knew who I was. On Wednesday, she told me that she loved me to bits and, of course, I told her the same.

After all the posts on here and the trials and tribulations of this hateful illness, I am relieved it is over. Ironically, it was end stage COPD that took her, although the doctor will also add vascular disease and dementia to the death certificate. A small triumph in the circumstances, but one hard fought.

Thanks to all of you have given your love, support and wise counsel. I feel a little spaced out today, but have already swung into action with funeral arrangements (ever the organiser!). I know that once I have said my final farewell, the hole in my life - and heart - won't go away, but the pain of seeing her suffer will.

Natalie

 

[Izzy]

Oh NatalieI'mmso sorry. I'm glad you were able to say you loved each other. x

 

[creativesarah]

I echo Izzys post
lots of support Sarah

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Hello Natalie,
I remember you - I've always loved your signature line, as I feel the same.

I'm so sorry to hear your sad news but your post is full of acceptance and serenity. My condolences to you and your family.

 

[4chris]

Hello TP'ers who remember me

To let you know that my wonderful mum, died yesterday afternoon. I was glad (and privileged) to be with her at the end - which was peaceful.

I was very fortunate that despite her dementia she still knew who I was. On Wednesday, she told me that she loved me to bits and, of course, I told her the same.

After all the posts on here and the trials and tribulations of this hateful illness, I am relieved it is over. Ironically, it was end stage COPD that took her, although the doctor will also add vascular disease and dementia to the death certificate. A small triumph in the circumstances, but one hard fought.

Thanks to all of you have given your love, support and wise counsel. I feel a little spaced out today, but have already swung into action with funeral arrangements (ever the organiser!). I know that once I have said my final farewell, the hole in my life - and heart - won't go away, but the pain of seeing her suffer will.

Natalie

so sorry god bless

 

[Grannie G]

So sorry Natalie. I know you did everything possible for your mum and am so glad you were able to be with her to the end , and she knew you. xx

 

[turbo]

Hello Natalie, I am sorry to hear your sad news about your mum.


Turbo

 

[Tender Face]

Dear Natalie ... often wondered how things were going for you both since mum moved from the area .... you know, I always took my hat off to you that you could maintain her independence and quality of life so long against the challenges she (more accurately her dementia) presented ... and all orchestrated from such a distance for a time ...... a quite remarkable achievement which often helped inspire me. What we do for our mums, eh? Bless, I always had this vision of such a wonderful character – as reflected by and in the daughter.

You are ever in this neck of the woods again, you know where I am.

Sending love, condolences and wishes for peace.

Karen, x

 

[piedwarbler]

Dear Natalie

Sending my thoughts and prayers, xxxx

 

[Lucille]

Thank you all for your sympathy.

Inevitably, the red tape that follows a bereavement became tangled around my ankles today. Having been told by mum's GP to collect the death certificate after 2pm (and thus I booked the registrar appointment for tomorrow morning and additional appt with undertaker), I got there and it wasn't ready. The receptionist knew nothing about it and the doctor was out. I became quite upset and then had to come back and re-arrange other appointments. Let's hope this is the only hiccough in mum's farewell.

Karen, thank you. Indeed, what we do for our mums! I have in my spare bedroom a plastic squirrel and other assorted 'mum stuff'. I did throw much away when she came down here (otherwise joists in loft would have collapsed!) but there are things that I brought back from the home yesterday that I feel I need to cling on to a while. Healing time and all that.

Hope you and yours are well and thinking about everyone on here who still has battles ahead of them.

Natalie x

 

[Authona]

Hi,

So sorry to read your news. I didn't follow your journey but see from other people that it was one of complete dedication and love.

So, so with you on what you say. I feel for you and I completely understand you. Its a terrible loss but with Alzheimers/dementia, its a good thing when mother nature comes along and saves our loved one from the horror of ending life with these illnesses. It allows them to go with dignity and with the ability to 'put their affairs' in order before they leave. It really is a gift - I know you will understand that. They left before being stripped of all that their soul was.

Mother nature sent a cancer to my Mum. She left us just 10 weeks ago. I feel she is here with me still though ... in spirit. I feel wrapped in her love still. It's as if she hasn't left but the illness has. I miss her in life though but in truth, she wasn't in my life for 6 years. I was in hers. Its a difficulty for me as I struggle to rest with that and the feelings I have over that now.

I know how the funeral arranging takes your mind from it. I saw the funeral as the last thing I could do for my Mum ... to make sure her body was cared for and put in the ground in the plain but dignified way she would have wanted and with her loving family around her ... there were 26 of us. And for me, it was a lovely day. The best point was that she came home for 20 minutes ... she came home after 6 yrs of being away and her body is now where it should be - in the same village as all her family. I stood with her whilst she was outside the house. It was a wonderful moment. I felt almost elated for a few minutes as if everything was as it should be. We, the whole family, were together again at the family home.

Keep focussed and go with your feelings. It's a shock, and then its all kinds of emotions - that's my experience so far. Sometimes, like now, I stop work to come on here and feel guilty for doing so but it helps to talk to our freinds here so do post if you feel it will help.

Take care Lucille. I am thinking about you today and you will be in my thoughts in the coming weeks.

Be you.
With love and care,
Authona xxx

 

[Authona]

Hi again!

Yes, I can appreciate the 'red tape' getting in the way. It's a tough week ahead but know that God does work in ways that will guide everything to be perfect. My Mum said to me when I'd just been told of her cancer that 'there's nothing to worry about' and she was forever telling me that 'God will look after you'. I allowed myself to trust that for the first time when she died and the 'red tape' didn't worry me in the end. I just trusted all would be ok and felt at peace with that. And ... it was.

You'll get there. Keep going. And I understand about keeping hold of things for a while. I have things too like that.

Ax

 

[Lucille]

I feel she is here with me still though ... in spirit. I feel wrapped in her love still. It's as if she hasn't left but the illness has. I miss her in life though but in truth, she wasn't in my life for 6 years. I was in hers. Its a difficulty for me as I struggle to rest with that and the feelings I have over that now.

I know how the funeral arranging takes your mind from it. I saw the funeral as the last thing I could do for my Mum ... to make sure her body was cared for and put in the ground in the plain but dignified way she would have wanted and with her loving family around her ...

Hello Authona

Thank you, I was very touched to read your post and have noted some of your words above because they resonate with me so much. Mum was adamant - in one of her more lucid moments - before she died that she 'didn't want people messing with her body.' I hope in leaving her as she was when I last saw her, looking perfectly peaceful, I have granted her wish. I also empathise with you in terms of you being in your mum's life for the last six years but her not being in yours. How true for me and my mum!

We were very close and, I suppose, if there is another positive to come from her death (in that it was peaceful), it was that dementia gave me some time to prepare for her final farewell, because in a way, she'd been doing it a little at a time over such a long period anyway. It still hurts of course. Very much.

Today, I've had a 'good day'. Planned the service with the celebrant and taken delivery of some gorgeous flowers and cards from wellwishers for me! Also, the red tape seems to have dissipated; the building society/bank have been wonderful (so far!).

I do have a strange tiredness though. I am quite fit (run every other day 6+ miles) and have been sleeping reasonably okay (a couple of really bad nights since Mum's death), but by about lunch time, I really have to force myself to do things. Anyway, I'm assuming it's the emotional spin dryer I'm stepping in and out of. Hopefully, it will stop spinning so fast after the final goodbye to Mum.

Thanks Authona for your kindness, it's really helped me. And I'm so sorry for your loss too; I see it hurts you keenly and I guess, for both of us, (all of us) time will help.

N x

 

[florence43]

I'm with you...

Dear Natalie (and Authona),

I really felt the need to join with you both in your experience of losing a mum. Firstly, Natalie, I am very sorry for your loss. Of course, I speak of losing a mum. What you both describe as gradual loss, is so true.

It made me think. When I was a little girl, maybe 11 or 12, I remember clearly having little panics about my mum dying. It would make my heart pump really fast and I felt heat rising inside...I though I would never be able to be without her. I can't say that feling ever really left me, as I was also very close with my mum.

It would sound strange to say there are many good sides to dementia, but I've always felt some good come from it. The main one for me is when my dad died. They'd been married 45 years and he was her first and only true love. I cannot imagine the pain and grief that would have riddled her, had she been aware of his death. My sister and I told her the news the day after he died, and she cried...for about 20 minutes, but then carried on about her day, just really pleased both her daughters were there. She really enjoyed this "little treat"! We went for a walk together, and we were watching mum and gauging how she was taking the news, but she seemed fine. She never cried again. Thank goodness. Dementia spared her the immense pain of her loss, and she lived in a happy, stress-free way for another 9 months, until she needed Nursing Care, very suddenly.

The second "good" thing to come of it is the gradual loss, which has distressed and saddened me beyond words, but it was easier to say goodbye at the final end, than if I'd lost my mum, pre-dementia. It was kinder to let her go, and I find dealing with it better than if I'd got a call when she was in her prime and our relationship was at it's peak. I know this is a strange thing to say, because I was robbed of a mother for years, but I still had a mum, was able to thank her and repay her kindness and care. I told her I loved her much more than I ever had before she got ill, and I didn't take her for granted. I think I used to, but illness made me re-assess.

These are all selfish reasons, and all about me, so I feel guilty for that. Naturally I wouldn't wish dementia into anyone's family, for it's rippling effect is devastating, but since it impacted ours, I need to let go of the anger, and see some light. And the light is what I describe.

I wish to God she hadn't had dementia, but since she did, it took her from me 6 or 7 years ago, and a lot of my grief happened over those years... The pain of losing her was mixed emotions. I was glad to never need to see the haunted look in her eyes anymore, and glad for her that she was free. I have missed my dear mum for a long, long time, when all the phone calls stopped, the visits, the shopping together...the relationship, but I did get to care for her, so if she knew anything throughout this time of illness, it would have categorically been that I loved her and did everything possible to show her.

But now, it's just the sadness that she's "really" gone. For losing a mother can never really be a "relief". What it is, is a word that doesn't exist, only a feeling that we feel and can't articulate.

Thinking of you both, and all who can relate to this...

I sincerely hope the funeral plans go well and that your dear mum is celebrated on the day.

Sending love,

 

[Authona]

But now, it's just the sadness that she's "really" gone. For losing a mother can never really be a "relief". What it is, is a word that doesn't exist, only a feeling that we feel and can't articulate.
Hi,

Yep, Florence, I know this feeling and you are absolutely right, people saying it must be a 'relief' just don't get it ... not at all. It's not a relief because none of us want to be relieved of this thing by losing our Mum (or Dad). If the illness was over, that would be a relief. But, losing the person is never a relief. The only word I feel right about using is to say that we are all at peace from the illness and we are all free from it - even those who have had to sacrifice their life to it. I would have gone on and looked out for my Mum forever if I could have but not ever having her back without that rotten illness would make this a losing battle. That's so objective because it is not being able to do this that is the most painful thing. The answer we all want just cannot be with this illness. It's been like living in a void between the illness striking and Mum leaving.

I don't have the word for it really either. But I do completely understand where you are coming from Florence.

And Natalie, keep going. Stay strong and don't be afraid of taking time out for you if you feel the need in the coming weeks and months. I know we all lose our Mum/Dad in a slow way with this illness but the impact of the final loss still holds much pain and trouble for us to cope with. I sometimes feel I too should take a break and perhaps do so on the sick because I don't always function on all cylinders fully. It's only because I have a fantastic boss and great work colleagues who have understood and walked all with me, that I am able to come here into work and do my job. They have been wonderful. And freinds are really helping me at home.

It's funny how many people do come 'out of the woodwork' to support me and how many do understand that you I am not really Ok and I do need time, space, care and understanding.

This is how it's been for me so far. I am grateful that I have my support network around me and that it is solid.

Take care Natalie and keep organising. I don't know when the day is for you but I am thinking about you as you walk this week. I'll be here for you afterwards too if you want to 'talk' to me. We can perhaps help each other.

Big hugs,
Authona x

PS Authona = Authentic Persona. I try to be how I feel so people can respond to me in the right way. So, if I'm hurting, I try to be open about it so I get care instead of angry with everyone which just pushes away those people I need the most, etc., etc.

 

[Tess810home]

Mum and Alzhiemer's

So sorry to hear about your mum and so pleased you were able to share your feelings and say goodbye.

I echo what has been said about this disease. As hateful as it is, it gives me the time to appreciate and give back. I too feel as though I lost the whole mum years ago, but I have time with her now to treasure every single moment, which may not make her passing any easier, but I will know I have not wasted one single moment. If it can ever be appropriate to highlight a 'positive' point to Alzhiemer's/Dementia, this must be it. We get time, difficult times and loving times - but time to show our love in so many ways that are important.

I know I am the fortunate one in that I am here daily with mum, my siblings will not have had the opportunities I have had to wrap themselves in her presence all these years, good times and bad.

I can't imagine what it must be like losing your mum, I live in fear of the day, I know however that we can be grateful for the special moments we shared as carers.

Bless you and stay strong. xx

 

[Lucille]

I wish to God she hadn't had dementia, but since she did, it took her from me 6 or 7 years ago, and a lot of my grief happened over those years... The pain of losing her was mixed emotions. I was glad to never need to see the haunted look in her eyes anymore, and glad for her that she was free. I have missed my dear mum for a long, long time, when all the phone calls stopped, the visits, the shopping together...the relationship, but I did get to care for her, so if she knew anything throughout this time of illness, it would have categorically been that I loved her and did everything possible to show her.

But now, it's just the sadness that she's "really" gone. For losing a mother can never really be a "relief". What it is, is a word that doesn't exist, only a feeling that we feel and can't articulate.

Hello Florence43, Tess and Authona

Florence

I couldn't have put it better myself! What you have written is exactly how I feel and think and you sound like you had the same sort of relationship with your mum as I had with mine. I remember someone saying on here that as time passes, the dementia-side of their personality subsides in your memory after they have gone and what comes out more strongly is how they were before. Today, especially, this has rung true and I have been looking at photos of my mum (and didn't become tearful) before she became ill. I even laughed at some, talked to her and just thought about the good times we had.

Although I moved her to Bristol in February this year (where she went into care), and I do obviously have memories of walking in and seeing her face light up when she saw me (thank God she still knew who I was). The most solid memories are those of how she was before dementia struck.

I hope to do her proud next week. I am in the process of writing a 'letter' to her that will be read at the service, reminiscing about the treasured times we had. I have also today, given the undertaker a CD of music to include Ken Dodd and Roy Wood and Wizzard: she loved 'See my baby jive' and used to be a skilled mover!

Her final journey will be next week; a very private committal at the crem on Wednesday. The next day, family, friends and people who had never met her, but have supported me, will attend a service that I hope will have some smiles as well as sadness. We will all then be present as her ashes are interred in a beautiful setting. I'm trying not to think about it, because the waterworks will start and she would say, 'oh Natalie, love, come here for a hug.' So on that note, I'll go now. It's my wedding anniversary and I don't want to look all puffy-eyed, otherwise he might want a divorce!!

Thanks, I'll post again for a while until time moves things on. I do appreciate all your support. And of course, you must also share your feelings and thoughts if you're feeling more down because of your bereavements. This site is wonderful for helping others cope and, in so doing, helping ourselves.

Nx

 

[florence43]

Dear Natalie

It's so wonderful to be able to "talk" with people who travel such a similar path, and although that's the whole point of this forum, every now and then, you come across someone or some people who are at the exact same point, with such parallel experiences.

It's been a pleasure to join this thread, started with such sad news, yet continued with such celebration and positivity. I wonder if our mums brought us all up with similar values and outlook?

I have a very good feeling you will get a great deal from your mum's funeral. My mum's funeral was last Wednesday and it was a day I've always dreaded, but as I wrote on her flowers:

My dear mum, I have feared losing you all my life, and I wish it wasn't so, but I want you to know that the strength you've taught me means I'm going to be OK. I will make you proud. All my love forever, Annie xxx

It was an announcement, rather than a message. I WILL be ok, because what she struggled with can never compare to what I face and if she can do it with such dignity, then who am I to hang my head? I will hold it high, say goodbye to dementia with a firm hand and be the woman she hoped I'd be.

I think you'll find the service cathartic and will walk away feeling a sense of completion. A chapter of your life is over, and you will be given time, as I have, to remember, smile, cry and smile some more.

Say her name as often as you want, and keep her alive in your life, your conversation and your thoughts. She's only gone in body. As a line in our reading said: "You can choose to live in yesterday, or carry on and live because of yesterday".

I still find it very surreal, and painful, to refer to "mum's funeral". It's a date you never picture writing in your diary. Because of her illness, her death hasn't hit me as it could have. I think it's a slow acceptance of the fact she's gone.

You're doing so well, and I'm sort of surprised at myself too. At first I thought it was wrong to feel so calm...but I am slowly starting to see that this will be a long and gradual period of grief, and hopefully the pain of loss will be numbed by the fact I got to say goodbye. The long goodbye...

Keep us informed of how everything goes, and I'll be thinking of you over the next few days. It's a surreal time, and not real in many ways, at least...that's how I saw it.

How lovely to be able to speak so gently and happily of our mums so soon after they've gone. This Sunday will be 4 weeks since mum took her last breath. Feels like 6 years ago, and yesterday...xxx


P.S Happy Anniversary!

 

[Authona]

Hi,

You know, although gone from this life, I have felt that my Mum is now back with me in my life because we are free from the barrier of Alzheimers. We are FREEEEEE My thoughts about us are pure again and my memories are clear. Dealing with the illness, the care home, the watching, the slow loss of her in human form created a mist that became ever dense though fortunately, never solid - we could always reach through it in some way. Her death has really blown away that mist - she was rescued by mother nature. In soul, she left it all behind and what is left is clarity and peace and love and wonder. As you say Florence, it is a beauty we somehow have from this thing - a spiritual bond.

I struggle some days with my lack of grief and struggle somedays with my life issues and feel kind of strangled from my grief by those issues. But, as you say, life does go on because of yesterday and we are who we are because of our upbringing and our life experiences. Our Mum's went through the horror of dimentia/Alzheimer's and 'embraced the situation and carried on'. They were brave and faced it head on. The words in quotes are what my Mum always advised to me. It's something that carried me strongly through that week of her funeral arranging and has done since. I have carried on. I have faltered at times but I have reached for friendship and support and worked with my Dad and we are getting on with the lives, facing our futures and trying to adjust ourselves.

I am glad for this forum though because so many people in my own life/world tell me I am strong because I am carrying on and haven't crumbled. But, they don't understand that it is a slow crumble over a long time that can be fronted and not shown and they don't understand that the end is no less impactive than it is for someone losing a Mum suddenly. They think it is also a relief ... that inanimate feeling we have ... never a relief! I think the difference is that our recovery at the practical day to day level, is probably easier for us because we have already lost so much of Mum from our lives over the past years - even if mum was at home that time for a lot of it (not the case for me unfortunately). They just cannot understand our plight because they have no knowledge of it and no experience and I am glad for them and hope they never do get any!

Even saying the above though, even I have been grappling with the fact that I have felt and come across to friends/colleagues, etc and to my own self, as someone who should have more feelings of pain and upset than I have had. Perhaps it will be there as time goes on. I guess I have boxed away my emotions as routine to deal with and stay resolved for dealing with the illness and supporting my Mum's ... and Dad. Being debilitated from doing this was not optional because it would have debilitated me from being strong to help her. Now, my concern is that I am still excersising that coping mechanism and it's not helpful at this time. I need to find myself some space, time and a place with a close friend to open that box, allow myself to be cared for and to let myself feel for my loss and cry for it and be held and comforted.

You know, I am aware that I am so affected by my experience, that I am finding it hard to undertake the 'shift-change' now to ensure that I get what I need to be able to work through my emotions and the impact it has all had. I just want to stay resolved to protect myself from the grief.

Despite my concerns for myself, I do share the positivity and the beauty of how all three of us are managing. It isn't so easy but we are of and from our Mum's and that, for me, is such a strength to my motivation, attitude and stance as I face life without her.

Be true to yourselves and take good care of you. I am finding its all kinds of emotions but I do feel a sense of wellbeing from it all too and a really springy platform from which to launch into the new chapter of my life. The shift-change of thinking more about myself though and caring for me is something I know will take a lot of working at.

Thinking of you both and smiling too.
Love,
Authona xxx

 

[Lucille]

Hello

Well, I've managed to get through this week but now feel completely drained. Mum's committal at the crem on Wednesday was brief but moving. I chose two of her favourite records to accompany her (and us). Yesterday was her memorial service and interment of ashes. My husband managed to read a letter I had written 'to Mum', without tears and I was very proud of him. The celebrant was a wonderful man who pitched the service perfectly. I had chosen another four of Mum's favourite tunes by Nat King Cole, Simon and Garfunkel ... Roy Wood & Wizzard and ... Ken Dodd! We had a candle lighting ceremony and everyone said how dignified and thoughtful the whole service was. We were even lucky with the weather. No rain at the plot. Afterwards at the wake, I had dotted around anecdotes, photos and mementoes belonging to Mum: her knitting needles and a ball of wool, old LPs (Doddy and Nat King C). There were people there who hadn't met her but who came up to me and said they'd wished they had, that they had a real sense of her. What a great tribute to a wonderful woman. I feel I did her proud.

I will never forget her, nor all the things she did for me. The celebrant said during the service not to think of her in the past and that she is with me now in my memory - and of course my heart. And he's right.

Whilst I feel a sense of relief on one level - she's not suffering - I am fearful of the way the grief grabs me by the throat - even in Tesco. Mum would have thought that was funny; me looking at desserts and thinking of her. (I took one in to the NH to try and entice her to eat just a few days before she died. It worked, but now whenever I see one, I become emotional: all over a 'Sicilian Lemon' mousse!) Today, whilst walking around I have felt as if in a fog. That the Christmas sparkle in shop windows and even the people buzzing by are just out of reach. That I am in a bubble and no-one can see me. It's an odd place to be.

Hope you are okay and that your grief is as 'manageable' as it can be.

Nx