Help and Advice Needed

[KKKKatie]

Hi all, I am new to this forum so have never posted anything before, but I do need some serious advice from people who are in the know about dementia patients.

My father-in-law (who is believed to suffer with Lewis Body dementia) was earlier this year offered the opportunity to come and live with his son and me or, alternatively we would go and live with him. At the time he was fiercely independent and wanted to stay in his own home alone. He used to come to stay with us every weekend and we visited him every day to ensure he was eating properly, etc. He then suffered a very nasty fall and broke a vertibrae and ended up in hospital. He was discharged under the guidance of social services and they set up a care plan. He point blank refused any help from the carers, he wouldn't take his medication and ended up back in hospital after only 2 days of his release. The result was he was admitted to a care home. Although the home is very nice he is EXTREMELY unhappy and is often in tears and constantly begs us to let him come and live with us.

Although we would welcome him into our home, we are at work during the day and he would need a carer for the hours we are not there. We are currently researching all the options open to us and ways in which we can make this happen.

I would value anyone's opinion as to whether or not you believe taking him out of the safe environment of his care home to come and live with us is a good idea. Any help and advice you can offer would be gratefully received.

 

[bumblebea]

bumblebea

I think you need to consider the fact that even if he came to stay with you, he may not accept carers when you are at work, and that would be no different to what he did when he went to his own home from hospital. Were you involve in discussuing the care package ?, it seems to me that there may have been good reasons for 24 hour care being recommended. It is a reaaly hard decision to make, and I hope you make the one that is right for you all

 

[Nan2seven]

Dear Katie, welcome to TP and I hope you get some good replies to your post.

I know very little about the kind of dementia your FIL has, and it seems to me that you are in a very difficult position. Bumblebea has made a very good point. Have you discussed with your FIL the fact that he could not now be left alone? If he is beyond the point of realising this, then sadly he does need to remain where he is, safe in his care home.

The wanting to go home or come and live with you and your husband is so difficult to deal with, and heartbreaking for him and for you. (Wanting to "go home" is a very real and difficult symptom, for want of a better word, of dementia, and most dementia sufferers go through it at some point, even when they are still living in their own homes but simply no longer recognise it.) It is possible that he does not understand that you go out to work and that he would be alone for most of the day.

I feel so sad for him, for you and for your husband. I hope someone else here on TP can come up with something a little more positive and helpful for you.

Love, Nan XXX

 

[britcare4]

A difficult decision. Do you have any day care centres in your area? Then your F-I-L could go there when you are at work?

 

[nitram]

Beware what your are considerating taking on.

My wife has LDB mixed with vascular dementia, currently awaiting result of neurological assessment to rule out Parkinsons.
I think Dementia with Lewy bodies is an excellent summary.
My wife suffered from virtually no sleep at night - just reorganizing things, pacing around, moving furniture,.... - combined with snoozing during the day. This appears to have been cured by switching from Aricept to Ebixa but has been replaced with evening agitation - pacing, sobbing,...- antipsychotics eg Quetaipine, are contraindicated with LBD so Sodium Valproate is being tried with limited effect

 

[KKKKatie]

Thank you all for your comments. They will all be noted and careful consideration given to whatever the outcome. In my heart of hearts I believe he will be best left where he is and can come home to us, probably 1 to 2 weekends per month. He is coming to us next weekend and he is coming to stay for Christmas.

Keep your comments coming please.

Thank you.

 

[nicoise]

Dear KKKatie,

I would second Nitram's post absolutely.

My mum had LBD . Fortunately her personality remained very sweet and good natured, which made her easy company. However, as time went on she was less and less able to look after herself, or make good decisions; her abilities fluctuated hourly, meaning that she was unsafe at home on her own.

A crisis forced her to have to leave her home, and a care home was the only solution. She needed 24/7 watching, and assistance with all functions. This would have been impossible at home, whether living with someone or numerous care visits. And it was only going to get worse.

I would have been happy to live with her personality, but the need to attend to her and keep her safe made it impossible.

So I would think very carefully about how you would manage during times when you weren't around, or wanted to go away. And that the harsh truth is that this is a condition that declines. I appreciate that hearing someone in distress begging you to take them home is heartbreaking - but unless you have proof that the home is not doing a good job generally, would you be able to give him what he needs in terms of physical care? Oh to have a magic wand.....

Best wishes xxx