Dad has been in hospital for 4 weeks now and he is really fed up. All he talks about is going home and what he is going to do when he gets there. Every day he is ready to go home with Mum and asks when he can leave and how they are going to get home. He has started taking his pyjamas off so that he can get dressed to catch the bus. He is being assessed by a Care Home in the next day or so, but how do we tell him that he cannot go home? We have asked the Care Home manager not to mention why she is there to see him. I know from comments that he will adapt to being in the Care Home, but how do we tell him that he can't go back to the house he has lived in for over 50 years?
How do we tell Dad he can't go home?
- Thread starter anniel33
- Start date
Hi anniel33
It's a real tough one isn't it
My Mum was sectioned last year and spent two months in an assesment unit and every time we visited her the sole topic was when she was going home and what she was going to do.
The care home that we had chosen visited her and tried to convince her it was a good idea to maybe come and spend some time with them and told her how much she would enjoy everything there (they are very good!), but she wasn't having any of it.
But....eventually after many attemtps by the hospital staff of trying to get her to give it a go (she was told it was just for a little respite and break!), she eventually one morning said she would !!! They then all sprung into action and before she knew it she was there and having a cup of tea!
After nearly eighteen months she still thinks there will be a time when she will go back home but her insistance has diminished and now on occasions she will say that she is going to leave going home until the weather gets better.......we just go along with her and have never told her that she won't ever be going home.....she is just there for a break and a rest
I will be honest and say it has not all been plain sailing, but it has been easier as time has gone on because as her memory has got worse she has forgotten where her home is, which is sad but it has made it easier.
My advice would honestly be.... to not be honest ! - White lies and saying nothing makes it so much easier for them and you to get through it all.
XXX
It's a real tough one isn't it
My Mum was sectioned last year and spent two months in an assesment unit and every time we visited her the sole topic was when she was going home and what she was going to do.
The care home that we had chosen visited her and tried to convince her it was a good idea to maybe come and spend some time with them and told her how much she would enjoy everything there (they are very good!), but she wasn't having any of it.
But....eventually after many attemtps by the hospital staff of trying to get her to give it a go (she was told it was just for a little respite and break!), she eventually one morning said she would !!! They then all sprung into action and before she knew it she was there and having a cup of tea!
After nearly eighteen months she still thinks there will be a time when she will go back home but her insistance has diminished and now on occasions she will say that she is going to leave going home until the weather gets better.......we just go along with her and have never told her that she won't ever be going home.....she is just there for a break and a rest
I will be honest and say it has not all been plain sailing, but it has been easier as time has gone on because as her memory has got worse she has forgotten where her home is, which is sad but it has made it easier.
My advice would honestly be.... to not be honest ! - White lies and saying nothing makes it so much easier for them and you to get through it all.
XXX
have had similar (but not as bad )with mum.
we tell her she cant go home yet, as she's still unwell and needs to build her strength up. When she argues (a lot) we tell her that this is the doctors decision, not ours.
In fact, the doctor is quite a baddy....we use him as the excuse for most things - this stops her arguing with us all.
So ....the doctor says she must take her medication,
the doctor says she's too ill yet to travel abroad,
the doctor says that she must live at our house for the time being.
leaving a bit odf a phrase like....'for the time being', or 'until your health improves' is a good one - it makes my mum stop and think, and gives her the thought that things will change.
we tell her she cant go home yet, as she's still unwell and needs to build her strength up. When she argues (a lot) we tell her that this is the doctors decision, not ours.
In fact, the doctor is quite a baddy....we use him as the excuse for most things - this stops her arguing with us all.
So ....the doctor says she must take her medication,
the doctor says she's too ill yet to travel abroad,
the doctor says that she must live at our house for the time being.
leaving a bit odf a phrase like....'for the time being', or 'until your health improves' is a good one - it makes my mum stop and think, and gives her the thought that things will change.
Hello A (easier for me!): this is such a hard one. When this time came for Mum we kept saying "just until you get stronger/better" whilst knowing this wasn't the case. It wasn't the case because it was the easy option - far from it - but it was the case because we, as adult children, knew Mum would be safe, cared for and, as adults, we were could monitor everything that was happening.
I truly feel for you. I went through this in May this year and it was awful: I posted on TP at the time (and felt embarrassed afterwards about it, but hey, who knows me? It helped me just to bang on the keyboard keys). Mum kept asking about going home and I fully understand her doing so. What she didn't comprehend was the risk of being there.
It is clearly hugely difficult for your Mum as well as you but you need to make a decision together how you approach this and each say the same thing. It doesn't make the situation any easier to cope with but at least there is consistency.
I so understand how you feel right now: try to be strong (a cliche: I wasn't - I fell to bits but in front of Mum I believe I was: who knows?)
I truly feel for you. I went through this in May this year and it was awful: I posted on TP at the time (and felt embarrassed afterwards about it, but hey, who knows me? It helped me just to bang on the keyboard keys). Mum kept asking about going home and I fully understand her doing so. What she didn't comprehend was the risk of being there.
It is clearly hugely difficult for your Mum as well as you but you need to make a decision together how you approach this and each say the same thing. It doesn't make the situation any easier to cope with but at least there is consistency.
I so understand how you feel right now: try to be strong (a cliche: I wasn't - I fell to bits but in front of Mum I believe I was: who knows?)
Hi anniel33
It's a real tough one isn't it
.......we just go along with her and have never told her that she won't ever be going home.....she is just there for a break and a rest
I will be honest and say it has not all been plain sailing, but it has been easier as time has gone on because as her memory has got worse she has forgotten where her home is, which is sad but it has made it easier.
My advice would honestly be.... to not be honest ! - White lies and saying nothing makes it so much easier for them and you to get through it all.XXX
I have to agree with wispa. I never ever told my husband (of 53 years) he was not coming home.
Nearer the time for his move from hospital to care home I explained that the hosptal could only keep patients there so long and then they needed the beds for new patients. So he was moving to a nursing home where he would receive the same nursing and care which could not be provided at home. To help him get better, build up his strength. When stuck I would say it was 'doctor's orders'. Words along those lines, with variations, depending on what he asked. I avoided long explanations, this initial one probably the longest I gave. Sometimes I could sidestep the questions, sometimes try distraction. You have to play it by ear.
I avoided the word "home" like the plague, still do. Four months in care now, my husband is much less agitated although still makes references to us going home, still tries to get up and leave with me after I visit although I've found a way around that. (I hope) It does become easier, to some extent. (for my huband if not for me) .
The day of the move went better than I hoped, it was quick and smooth, I was at the care home for his arrival, he was caught up in the welcomes the various staff gave him. It was not easy when I left, and he did take some time to 'settle in', but he is gradually getting there. I wish I was getting there too! It is heart breaking, but something we all have to go through when a loved one goes into care. We can only try to make it as easy for them as possible in the various ways we know, or discover, work for them.
Good luck.
Loo x
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I have the same problem
I never did tel my husband he was going into care. I told him he was going into "respite" to get stronger - Doctor's orders. He doesn't have much of an idea of the passing of time but must realise he has been there a while from time to time as he tells me to get the car as it is time for him to come home. He still doesn't realise he is actually full-time in a nursing home now. I always say: "A few more days yet while you get stronger, you know we need you walking before you come home."
Sometimes he gets upset and won't talk to me so I leave. Sometimes I might go and buy him an icecream and bring it back for him and he has forgetten he was angry with me. I'd love to bring him home for the day but the staff say not to so I sometimes just take him for a longer walk in his wheelchair, around the outside of the building perimeter. I'd like to take him further but he has seizures and some falls still.
One day he was going off and one of his room mates said to him: "Stop whingeing, you are no worse off than the rest of us". I noticed that had an effect coming from someone else. He is in a room with younger people as he is 69, his youngest room mate is 63. They often sit together when there is entertainment so I think that will be a plus in the time ahead. So it will be good if your Dad is put with people his own age.
It is hard to put a parent or spouse into care and few of us go on without that tremendous feeling of grief and guilt. But in the end you realise it is what you had to do and you will feel there was no other choice and gain some acceptance.
Sue.
I never did tel my husband he was going into care. I told him he was going into "respite" to get stronger - Doctor's orders. He doesn't have much of an idea of the passing of time but must realise he has been there a while from time to time as he tells me to get the car as it is time for him to come home. He still doesn't realise he is actually full-time in a nursing home now. I always say: "A few more days yet while you get stronger, you know we need you walking before you come home."
Sometimes he gets upset and won't talk to me so I leave. Sometimes I might go and buy him an icecream and bring it back for him and he has forgetten he was angry with me. I'd love to bring him home for the day but the staff say not to so I sometimes just take him for a longer walk in his wheelchair, around the outside of the building perimeter. I'd like to take him further but he has seizures and some falls still.
One day he was going off and one of his room mates said to him: "Stop whingeing, you are no worse off than the rest of us". I noticed that had an effect coming from someone else. He is in a room with younger people as he is 69, his youngest room mate is 63. They often sit together when there is entertainment so I think that will be a plus in the time ahead. So it will be good if your Dad is put with people his own age.
It is hard to put a parent or spouse into care and few of us go on without that tremendous feeling of grief and guilt. But in the end you realise it is what you had to do and you will feel there was no other choice and gain some acceptance.
Sue.
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When we first took my father in law into respite care (which now has become permanent) he didn't react well. Because he has dementia, it doesn't mean he is stupid and he quickly realised what was going on and became much sharper than he usually is because of it. How a person reacts is down in a larg part to their personality but whatever way, it will be heart wrenching.
Over time we have discovered that telling him we are buying a bigger house that we can all live in together (but it will take a few months) calms and placates him. You feel bad at first telling him a lie but as it comforts him and prevents him from getting agitated, we see it as a white lie. Maybe you could tell him a scenario like - e.g. adjustments needed to the house - which doesn't make the care home seem so permanent. It will depend on his dementia and character of course and you will best know what might work for him. My father in law forgets you have visited him instantly and naturally what you have said within 30 seconds of saying it.
Over time we have discovered that telling him we are buying a bigger house that we can all live in together (but it will take a few months) calms and placates him. You feel bad at first telling him a lie but as it comforts him and prevents him from getting agitated, we see it as a white lie. Maybe you could tell him a scenario like - e.g. adjustments needed to the house - which doesn't make the care home seem so permanent. It will depend on his dementia and character of course and you will best know what might work for him. My father in law forgets you have visited him instantly and naturally what you have said within 30 seconds of saying it.
When my Dad went into care he was too confused to rationalise that he wasn’t at home, although he soon became very aggressive and thought he was in a war, saying he was going to shoot everyone, and swearing a lot, so this may have been his way of saying he wanted to be out. He spent months wandering the corridors and trying all the door handles, which again was a way of trying to get out. He never used to ask me to take him home though – he stopped recognising me after a short while and retreated to his own little world inside his head where he would work out numbers, accounts – he wasn’t aware of where he was (or wasn’t) at all really.
Mum, on the other hand, has asked me every visit for about two years to take her home. When I said I couldn’t she would cry, and just repeat it over and over. I tried every trick – blaming the doctor, saying she had to stay until she was well. But she hated where she was (she would have hated anywhere), and never gave up asking, until the last few weeks, when she has been unable to speak. Occasionally though she will still say “home”. Funny thing is when she was at home, she wouldn’t stay in – she was constantly going down to her sister’s down the street, at all hours day and night, and she wouldn’t be in for the carers to cook for her etc. She seemed afraid to be alone.
Best wishes,
C
Mum, on the other hand, has asked me every visit for about two years to take her home. When I said I couldn’t she would cry, and just repeat it over and over. I tried every trick – blaming the doctor, saying she had to stay until she was well. But she hated where she was (she would have hated anywhere), and never gave up asking, until the last few weeks, when she has been unable to speak. Occasionally though she will still say “home”. Funny thing is when she was at home, she wouldn’t stay in – she was constantly going down to her sister’s down the street, at all hours day and night, and she wouldn’t be in for the carers to cook for her etc. She seemed afraid to be alone.
Best wishes,
C
I have taken my cue from the care team. When mum gets very agitated and says "you cant keep me here" they say "just another day or two - we cant get the paperwork done today". When she is less agitated I just say that at the moment she needs more support than we can achieve at home, and isnt it great that this place can help and is such a lovely place (it is!), and anyway I can get in to see her frequently and we have fun. When she is really lucid we talk about the fact that she is in a care home for good now and how its not ideal but it is manageable and we are making the best of things. So honesty and acknowlegement when it helps, and white lies and distraction when neccessary.
