We're approaching the end of the road
- Thread starter kazza73
- Start date
Karen, I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and your mother at this time. I think Mameeskye got it exactly right
I hope your journey continues to be peaceful, for all of your sakes.
I hope your journey continues to be peaceful, for all of your sakes.
Here she is in her nest!
this is mum as i found her when I arrived for my last visit, she looked tiny on the big beanbags but nice and comfortable and peaceful. Far more comfy than in the big chair!
this is mum as i found her when I arrived for my last visit, she looked tiny on the big beanbags but nice and comfortable and peaceful. Far more comfy than in the big chair!
Karen I'm sitting in Gatwick trying to catch up on one or two threads. I was anxious to find out about your mum and I'm sorry things are not good. It must be really hard for your dad and for your whole family. I wish you all strength for the days to come.
My great niece (13) and great nephew (10) came to my mum's funeral in July. They were amazing and they both really wanted to be there. It's a hard decision to make though and two of yours are very young. Thinking of you. x
My great niece (13) and great nephew (10) came to my mum's funeral in July. They were amazing and they both really wanted to be there. It's a hard decision to make though and two of yours are very young. Thinking of you. x
Pat, the beanbags are provided by the unit mum is on. They are lovely and comfortable although tricky to lift mum out of but thankfully they have a couple of big, burly male nurses who are great for that!
Izzy, I hope you and Bill have had a lovely holiday. Our weather has been pretty dreich this week and I've even lit the fire tonight! My eldest definitely wants to go to the funeral, the younger 2 I think will come and if need be hubby can take them out during the service. When the time comes dad is keen that it be a celebration of mum's life rather than a sad and sombre occasion. The kids may be a welcome distraction as well!
Dad just rang the unit to ask how mum is. 'Gentle agitation' was the description the nurse gave- am assuming that means restless and agitated but not aggressive. She has slept a lot today but eaten very little.
3 of mum's sisters are visiting next Sunday. 2 last saw her on a good day about 2 months ago, the other hasn't seen her for a few years. They will all get quite a shock. Dad has asked me to go with them which I will. 1 of them - last saw at my granny's funeral 10 years ago!
An evening of wine and Xfactor beckons- oh and some ironing!
Karen x
Izzy, I hope you and Bill have had a lovely holiday. Our weather has been pretty dreich this week and I've even lit the fire tonight! My eldest definitely wants to go to the funeral, the younger 2 I think will come and if need be hubby can take them out during the service. When the time comes dad is keen that it be a celebration of mum's life rather than a sad and sombre occasion. The kids may be a welcome distraction as well!
Dad just rang the unit to ask how mum is. 'Gentle agitation' was the description the nurse gave- am assuming that means restless and agitated but not aggressive. She has slept a lot today but eaten very little.
3 of mum's sisters are visiting next Sunday. 2 last saw her on a good day about 2 months ago, the other hasn't seen her for a few years. They will all get quite a shock. Dad has asked me to go with them which I will. 1 of them - last saw at my granny's funeral 10 years ago!
An evening of wine and Xfactor beckons- oh and some ironing!
Karen x
Karen, hi
Thinking of you and yours and I think the idea of having a celebration of your lovely mum with your children there is a great idea, they can be part of the service and that is how it should be, your planning is going to stand you in good stead.
Can I just suggest that maybe you forget the ironing, tomorrow is another day but this evening, relax ...
with kind regards from Jo
My dear Karen, I am so sorry i am late in catching up with your thread of late.
I personally think your children should go to the funeral when the time comes. My nephew was only 10 at the time of his grandfathers (my father) funeral and yes he was a welcome distraction at times. He did ask a few awkward questions but then he is a strangely inquisitive boy!!!!
The younger one at 5 didn't go but he really didn't know his grandfather at all, living in England and us being up here. If he had known him better I would definately have wanted him at the occasion.
I just want to send you a big hug and to let you know I am here for you should you need me.
xxxxxxxxx
I personally think your children should go to the funeral when the time comes. My nephew was only 10 at the time of his grandfathers (my father) funeral and yes he was a welcome distraction at times. He did ask a few awkward questions but then he is a strangely inquisitive boy!!!!
The younger one at 5 didn't go but he really didn't know his grandfather at all, living in England and us being up here. If he had known him better I would definately have wanted him at the occasion.
I just want to send you a big hug and to let you know I am here for you should you need me.
xxxxxxxxx
My son and daughter went to my MIL's funeral at 8 and 2. My son recorded a prayer on tape which was played at the service. He wrote it himself, it was a beautiful thank you for my granny prayer. xx
Dear Karen,
Just a quickie before I, too, settle down for a bit of X-factor distraction...
Wanted, really, to say I'm still thinking of you. I know so well how hard it is with a young family to be torn in two such opposing worlds. When my dad died 2 years ago my children were 9, 4 and 15 months. I didn't take them to his funeral, despite them being the light in his life, because I knew I would upset them with my emotional handling (or not handling) of the day. In hindsight, I'm glad I didn't, but I knew before how much I'd fall apart and even with them there as my rocks and my distraction...I knew. And I cried, and sobbed, and cried some more and really let it out. It would have been harrowing for them to watch as it was harrowing for me to feel.
If I'd been able to, I would have taken them to the wake. The family and dad's friends would have loved to have met them, and it would have been some way to have them part of the day, but we lived too far from the service, so it was all or nothing. That part of the day, I could fake it. Only the service itself was unbearable.
But that's me. No control whatsoever! Tears, more tears, howls, sobs and more tears. Not a pretty sight!
You'll know when the time comes what feels comfortable. My gut told me to save my strength for me, so I did that. I had none in reserve for the children that day... And I suspect I'll feel the same with my mum. I've spent years holding my tears back in front of the children, and that one unique, day I need to say goodbye...my way.
But it's definitely not wrong to take children. Completely and utterly up to you and what feels right...
(your picture of your mum looked a little like my own mum, which was strange. My mum is about half the size, but since they're both in their 60's, I suppose it's not surprising. Just shocked me a little.) The bean bags look fab! But I know, myself, how disturbing the calm visits are. Mum's never awake for me...hasn't been for months and months. I wish she'd just natter on for a bit, but, as you say, it's like she's given up the fight...
Thinking of you still...
Just a quickie before I, too, settle down for a bit of X-factor distraction...
Wanted, really, to say I'm still thinking of you. I know so well how hard it is with a young family to be torn in two such opposing worlds. When my dad died 2 years ago my children were 9, 4 and 15 months. I didn't take them to his funeral, despite them being the light in his life, because I knew I would upset them with my emotional handling (or not handling) of the day. In hindsight, I'm glad I didn't, but I knew before how much I'd fall apart and even with them there as my rocks and my distraction...I knew. And I cried, and sobbed, and cried some more and really let it out. It would have been harrowing for them to watch as it was harrowing for me to feel.
If I'd been able to, I would have taken them to the wake. The family and dad's friends would have loved to have met them, and it would have been some way to have them part of the day, but we lived too far from the service, so it was all or nothing. That part of the day, I could fake it. Only the service itself was unbearable.
But that's me. No control whatsoever! Tears, more tears, howls, sobs and more tears. Not a pretty sight!
You'll know when the time comes what feels comfortable. My gut told me to save my strength for me, so I did that. I had none in reserve for the children that day... And I suspect I'll feel the same with my mum. I've spent years holding my tears back in front of the children, and that one unique, day I need to say goodbye...my way.
But it's definitely not wrong to take children. Completely and utterly up to you and what feels right...
(your picture of your mum looked a little like my own mum, which was strange. My mum is about half the size, but since they're both in their 60's, I suppose it's not surprising. Just shocked me a little.) The bean bags look fab! But I know, myself, how disturbing the calm visits are. Mum's never awake for me...hasn't been for months and months. I wish she'd just natter on for a bit, but, as you say, it's like she's given up the fight...
Thinking of you still...
Karen the beanbag looks great, and must be a real boon for those at risk of pressure sores, but I can imagine it might be difficult to get out of!
If you are thinking about the funeral, I would say your 11 year old may be old enough to make their own decision (I wasn't allowed to attend my godmother's funeral at a similar age and if I'm honest it still festers). As for your younger two I doubt it will mean anything to them at the time, so I would think about whether you will be harassed about keeping them well behaved, or whether their presence will be a comfort to you.
It's good that you have friends who will take your dad tomorrow and whom you can trust to be empathetic.
My thoughts are still with you and your family at this difficult time.
If you are thinking about the funeral, I would say your 11 year old may be old enough to make their own decision (I wasn't allowed to attend my godmother's funeral at a similar age and if I'm honest it still festers). As for your younger two I doubt it will mean anything to them at the time, so I would think about whether you will be harassed about keeping them well behaved, or whether their presence will be a comfort to you.
It's good that you have friends who will take your dad tomorrow and whom you can trust to be empathetic.
My thoughts are still with you and your family at this difficult time.
Dad rang quite late last night. His visit to mum had been quite a peaceful one. She was once again in her beanbag nest! She woke for about 5 minutes and then went back to sleep. Dad says he thinks she has deteriorated a bit since he saw her on Monday. One of the nurses said he felt the sedation level was slightly too high and needs adjusting, such a fine line between mum being extremely agitated and over sedated though. While I know their reasons for not wanting her over sedated I hope they won't mess about with things too much as the terrible agitation we had before was so distressing for everyone. At least now mum seems to get some peaceful times.
The consultant will be in the unit today so he will decide whether to adjust anything.
The beanbags seem to be a big hit! Mum settles really well in them and from a safety point of view the worst that can happen is she rolls off onto the floor- but so far she doesn't seem to have the strength to do that.
Dad had a lovely 4 course meal with his friends after the visit and seemed to have enjoyed their company and conversation.
I will visit mum tomorrow I think.
Karen xxx
The consultant will be in the unit today so he will decide whether to adjust anything.
The beanbags seem to be a big hit! Mum settles really well in them and from a safety point of view the worst that can happen is she rolls off onto the floor- but so far she doesn't seem to have the strength to do that.
Dad had a lovely 4 course meal with his friends after the visit and seemed to have enjoyed their company and conversation.
I will visit mum tomorrow I think.
Karen xxx
Hello Karen,
You're mum looks so relaxed in the beanbag nest, what a simple but so effective thing.
Hope the consultant leaves things as they are.
At my MIL's funeral there were quite a few "littlies" and they were fine. They did help us to get through it a little easier I think.
Whatever you decide, it will be the right thing for you and yours.
Thinking of you
Lin x
You're mum looks so relaxed in the beanbag nest, what a simple but so effective thing.
Hope the consultant leaves things as they are.
At my MIL's funeral there were quite a few "littlies" and they were fine. They did help us to get through it a little easier I think.
Whatever you decide, it will be the right thing for you and yours.
Thinking of you
Lin x
Dear Karen
I haven't written for a while but I often think about you and your Mum. Heartbreaking to see her slip further and further away at her age.
I think the bean bag is a great idea, and can think of several in Henry's dementia wing for whom it would be much more comfortable than the big chairs with extending bottoms.
My children are mature adults now but I remember when Henry's Mum died aged 64 - a serious stroke at 51, then small strokes, eventual dementia, massive fatal stroke - my girls were 6 and 3 years old. I knew it wouldn't work taking the younger one to the funeral, but the older one never understood why we did not take her and to this day sometimes mentions it.
I'm a lot older than many of you writing here and at that time it was not usual for young children to attend funerals, but had I known at the time how strongly my lttle daughter felt I would have taken her.
As Lin says whatever you decide will be the right thing for you and yours.
Good to hear your Dad had a peaceful visit with your Mum.
I hope all goes well with the consultant.
Loo xx
I haven't written for a while but I often think about you and your Mum. Heartbreaking to see her slip further and further away at her age.
I think the bean bag is a great idea, and can think of several in Henry's dementia wing for whom it would be much more comfortable than the big chairs with extending bottoms.
My children are mature adults now but I remember when Henry's Mum died aged 64 - a serious stroke at 51, then small strokes, eventual dementia, massive fatal stroke - my girls were 6 and 3 years old. I knew it wouldn't work taking the younger one to the funeral, but the older one never understood why we did not take her and to this day sometimes mentions it.
I'm a lot older than many of you writing here and at that time it was not usual for young children to attend funerals, but had I known at the time how strongly my lttle daughter felt I would have taken her.
As Lin says whatever you decide will be the right thing for you and yours.
Good to hear your Dad had a peaceful visit with your Mum.
I hope all goes well with the consultant.
Loo xx
A bit of a tough visit tonight. mum was snoozing i her beanbag nest when i arrived but then woke up and was a bit agitated?distressed but her speech is now so por that i could only make out a few words and have no idea what she was trying to say.She remained awake for the half hour i was there but didn't seem to know me and just seemed to mutter away about goodness knows what, every now and again reaching out to grab things that weren't there. Nothing seemed to soothe or distract her.. It was upsetting leaving her like that.
The senior nurse on duty came and brought me a coffee and had a chat. She is just back from holiday and said she noticed a big downturn in mum in the time she'd been away. We talked about the drugs etc, she says mum is sleeping about 18 hours a day but that when she is awake she doesn't seem too agitated but is able to respond> they have decided to leave the medication as it is, they fear if they reduce the sedation the agitation will escalate again. They have been struggling to get mum to eat and drink so are trying pureed food through a syringe now.
I thought mum seemed slightly flushed tonight and her head felt quite warm, I mentioned it to the nurse so she was going to check mum's temperature when I left.
My sister is going to visit on Thursday and then dad and i will go with 'the aunts' at the weekend.
Love
Karen xx
The senior nurse on duty came and brought me a coffee and had a chat. She is just back from holiday and said she noticed a big downturn in mum in the time she'd been away. We talked about the drugs etc, she says mum is sleeping about 18 hours a day but that when she is awake she doesn't seem too agitated but is able to respond> they have decided to leave the medication as it is, they fear if they reduce the sedation the agitation will escalate again. They have been struggling to get mum to eat and drink so are trying pureed food through a syringe now.
I thought mum seemed slightly flushed tonight and her head felt quite warm, I mentioned it to the nurse so she was going to check mum's temperature when I left.
My sister is going to visit on Thursday and then dad and i will go with 'the aunts' at the weekend.
Love
Karen xx
Well it's been a busy few days! On Sunday I visited mum with a couple of her sisters (it should have been 3 but one was sick so couldn't come). One of them hadn't seen mum since the summer, the day she visited then mum was having a good day and was quite lucid. The other sister hadn't seen mum for a few years.
When I collected my aunts I was able to fill them in on what the current situation is and I showed them a recent photo of mum so that they were prepared for what they would see when we went inside. The aunt who has not seem mum for ages broke down in tears, she said 'I just didn't realise how bad things are', she has been told (in fact dad was brutally honest on the phone as he's quite angry that she hasn't visited until now) but I think until you see this illness for yourself it is hard to understand the reallity of it.
My dad was already with mum when we arrived. Mum was sleeping in a chair. She woke very briefly but was unable to get her words out and did not recognise her sisters. She quickly fell asleep again.
My aunts obviously updated other siblings after the visit and I got a call late Sunday night to say one of my uncles wanted to visit yesterday and could I go with him.
So yesterday I repeated the whole thing with my uncle. Again he was shocked at how poorly mum is and said that he just didn't realise how bad things are. My aunt and cousin came too, my aunt is a nurse and has worked in EMI so she understood a lot although I think she found it difficult seeing a family member ravaged by this illness. Mum was asleep throughout their visit (in her bed).
As he was leaving my uncle said he'll try to get up to visit again before Christmas- I just said we're taking things one day at a time. I couldn't bring myself to say we've been told it's unlikely she'll still be with us by Christmas.
I fear there may be more siblings coming to visit soon. I expect the severity of things will be relayed to them. I'm afraid I'm a bit cross about it all, it feels like too little to late. Where were they when mum would have been able to appreciate and benefit from a visit? Where were they when my dad was struggling to cope with everything? Now they are all 'doing the right thing' by coming to say their goodbyes but it feels like it is for their benefit rather than mum's, it feels like they are trying to ease their consciences.
Mum continues to fade away. She is sleeping almost all the time. She is eating virtually nothing. She is holding her left arm at a very odd angle and her fingers are curling in. She has a sore on her ear where she has been lying on it and the skin has split.she seems very peaceful when she is sleeping which we take comfort from, Dad. Said to me on Sunday 'Perhaps one day soon she'll just drift away in her sleep'm I think we all know that the end is getting nearer and just hope when it comes it will be peaceful.
Karen xxx
When I collected my aunts I was able to fill them in on what the current situation is and I showed them a recent photo of mum so that they were prepared for what they would see when we went inside. The aunt who has not seem mum for ages broke down in tears, she said 'I just didn't realise how bad things are', she has been told (in fact dad was brutally honest on the phone as he's quite angry that she hasn't visited until now) but I think until you see this illness for yourself it is hard to understand the reallity of it.
My dad was already with mum when we arrived. Mum was sleeping in a chair. She woke very briefly but was unable to get her words out and did not recognise her sisters. She quickly fell asleep again.
My aunts obviously updated other siblings after the visit and I got a call late Sunday night to say one of my uncles wanted to visit yesterday and could I go with him.
So yesterday I repeated the whole thing with my uncle. Again he was shocked at how poorly mum is and said that he just didn't realise how bad things are. My aunt and cousin came too, my aunt is a nurse and has worked in EMI so she understood a lot although I think she found it difficult seeing a family member ravaged by this illness. Mum was asleep throughout their visit (in her bed).
As he was leaving my uncle said he'll try to get up to visit again before Christmas- I just said we're taking things one day at a time. I couldn't bring myself to say we've been told it's unlikely she'll still be with us by Christmas.
I fear there may be more siblings coming to visit soon. I expect the severity of things will be relayed to them. I'm afraid I'm a bit cross about it all, it feels like too little to late. Where were they when mum would have been able to appreciate and benefit from a visit? Where were they when my dad was struggling to cope with everything? Now they are all 'doing the right thing' by coming to say their goodbyes but it feels like it is for their benefit rather than mum's, it feels like they are trying to ease their consciences.
Mum continues to fade away. She is sleeping almost all the time. She is eating virtually nothing. She is holding her left arm at a very odd angle and her fingers are curling in. She has a sore on her ear where she has been lying on it and the skin has split.she seems very peaceful when she is sleeping which we take comfort from, Dad. Said to me on Sunday 'Perhaps one day soon she'll just drift away in her sleep'm I think we all know that the end is getting nearer and just hope when it comes it will be peaceful.
Karen xxx
My dear Kazza, i know the feeling about being angry with family members - continually with mine and i have only one to bother about!!!!
Always here for you, do not hesitate to contact me for anything.
xxx
Always here for you, do not hesitate to contact me for anything.
xxx
Hello Karen , Just Wishing you & all your Family much Love , Peace & Support for today & weeks to come , especially too you & your Mum
Take Care
Love & Hugs Love Grove x x
Take Care
Love & Hugs Love Grove x x
