Worried about my mum

[Mazza1]

I am very worried about my mum who has had memory problems over the last 2 = 3 years. She has recently started to get confused but hides it very well and is INCREDIBLY proud and stubborn. My family put it down to old age (she is mid 70's) and don't seem to see the confusion and anger that I do. It is straing to cause rifts in the family and she has started to think things are happening that aren't. I am so upset and don't know what to do as I cannot even get her to go to the doctors as I know deep down she is afraid of what they will say.
Can anyone offer any advice?

 

[knoxy07]

hi
as much as she wont go to the doctors make up a story say she missed an appointment, dont leave it too late as it will get worse and proberly end up turning into dementia she could be perscribed medication at this stage aricept to help
i never got the help at first you have to fight for it cause they dont help you unless you ask.x

I am very worried about my mum who has had memory problems over the last 2 = 3 years. She has recently started to get confused but hides it very well and is INCREDIBLY proud and stubborn. My family put it down to old age (she is mid 70's) and don't seem to see the confusion and anger that I do. It is straing to cause rifts in the family and she has started to think things are happening that aren't. I am so upset and don't know what to do as I cannot even get her to go to the doctors as I know deep down she is afraid of what they will say.
Can anyone offer any advice?

 

[theoldbat]

Know just what you mean - v.proud and angry, but that's just part of the illness..... go beat down the doctors door! If you have a doctor who you've known [or your mother has known] for years.... request to talk to them. I did this......... don't whatever you do tell the receptionist's what you want or that it's about your Mum...... when face to face with the doctor - they will tell you they cannot discuss your Mother with you....... s'ok, you don't want to 'discuss' her, you want some help........ tell them what's going on.... and how concerned you are....... write some notes before you go, to help you.... if your doctor is halfway decent, they will listen - I had the good fortune to have put PoA in place before my Mums' dementia got diagnosed, so the Doctor HAD to listen! [mind you, whe was a bit horrified when I pointed out that Mum still considered she was able to drive, and that she had taken the electric fire to pieces to clean it, without disconnecting it!!!] she has been very understanding and whilst not overly helpful.... Dementia is outside her range of skills.... she has at least assisted with the hospital and the social worker. Try reading the book 'Contented Dementia' by Oliver James....... made a lot of sense for us... gave us some better quality of life for the time Mum was at home. Good Luck......... and remember, Doctors don't know everything!!! they are not tin gods and there's usually one in a practice that knows a bit more about Dementia than the others.

 

[CarolineB]

I am very worried about my mum who has had memory problems over the last 2 = 3 years. She has recently started to get confused but hides it very well and is INCREDIBLY proud and stubborn. My family put it down to old age (she is mid 70's) and don't seem to see the confusion and anger that I do. It is straing to cause rifts in the family and she has started to think things are happening that aren't. I am so upset and don't know what to do as I cannot even get her to go to the doctors as I know deep down she is afraid of what they will say.
Can anyone offer any advice?

I went through the exact same thing a while ago. I talked to her GP and they arranged for her to go into the Docs for a check up and everything just fell in to place. I am going to see her GP myself tomorrow as mt mom (age 65) recons she has been retested and has the all clear. Please please for any results make sure that you go, otherwise they will tell fibs and pretend that everything is ok to get you off her back. I'm not sure what her Doc will discuss with me tomorrow without her being there - but i am on a mission for answers!!!!!

Good Luck

 

[Mazza1]

Thanks for all you advice

Thanks to for all your advice. She would never forgive me if I went to the doctor behind her back. I will talk to my family and see if they support that approach and read some more so I can get as clued up as possible.

I just feel so helpless.

Thanks again

 

[CarolineB]

Thanks to for all your advice. She would never forgive me if I went to the doctor behind her back. I will talk to my family and see if they support that approach and read some more so I can get as clued up as possible.

I just feel so helpless.

Thanks again

I agree family support is essential and you need to talk things over.
Do you really want to wait???????

If there is something wrong then medication could stop it progressing so fast. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind!

 

[limafoxtrot]

I'm going through the same thing with my Mum. She won't go the the doctors as she she there is nothing wrong with her! I spoke to her doctor & rather Mum going to see the doctor, the doctor is going to see Mum at home. The doctor said he would not mention I'd phoned, all he told Mum was, he wanted to see her, as she had been there a number of times over different things the past couple of months.

If you decide to speak to the doctor, just mention don't want your Mum to know you had. I don't like lying to Mum but in the end I know its in my Mums best interests to get help for her.

 

[peakland]

I'm so relieved to read your story which is little comfort to you but hugely for me. My father is very similar and at times I've questioned myself - was I imagining it. Like your Mum he gets confused but then at times seems perfectly ok and to others must seem normal. It is the addition of paranoia and anger which are finally pushing me into a corner. I hope you get some support from your family as I do !!

 

[limafoxtrot]

I'm so relieved to read your story which is little comfort to you but hugely for me. My father is very similar and at times I've questioned myself - was I imagining it. Like your Mum he gets confused but then at times seems perfectly ok and to others must seem normal. It is the addition of paranoia and anger which are finally pushing me into a corner. I hope you get some support from your family as I do !!

Yes, it make a lot of difference when you have family support, + TP are also very supportive

 

[mcgradie]

we went through just the same thing

Hi,
It took ages for us to get the diagnosis for mum. Turned out she had been to the doctor's herself a few times to complain about memory loss but of course she didn't remember this. The thing to do is to go to the doctor WITH HER - get the doctor to refer her to your local memory clinic (prob at the local hospital). Make sure you ask the consultant at the clinic to send a copy of the appointment to you as well (mum just threw it away, 'nothing to do with me') or better still, see if they can do a home visit to your mum.
Then you will need to go with her to have the brain (cat) scan which is the other part of the process before you get the diagnosis, if she does have dementia.
The main thing to remember is that a drug like aricept has the potential to buy her year (s) of a better quality of life - slowing down her deteroriation - so as hard as it is now, it's worth it for her.

Our mum was very stubborn and resistant in the year she was diagnosed - it was very hard as my kids were then 1 and 4 and my sister's kids were 4 and 9. She is now very happy to accept our help although she is a constant worry.

Please accept that this will be a change in your life as well as hers - I sure did resent it for quite some time - now I feel differently and I want to do all I can. I also know much more than I did. I am very lucky in that my sister is there to share it with me. There is no one else really who can.

Good luck and I hope things work out for you. The main thing to remember is, if she does have dementia, you need to take over the management of her life, slowly slowly, and giving her all the respect and consideration due. If you get annoyed or impatient, she will know. I've learnt not to contradict and not to argue. You will need to get used to taking her to every appointment and buying her clothes and all the minutae that you never really thought about.

It's not all gloom and we have some great times together, so that's why pushing for a diagnosis is important - it'll buy her some more time, which is also good for you, to give you time to get your head around it and prepare for the future.

All the very best,
Sadie

 

[mcgradie]

and also

Hi again,

When you're trying to fix up the doctor's appointment to try and get a memory clinic referral, try saying to your mum that "memory problems are really common and loads of people have them" - I wouldn't mention dementia. We did tell mum she had been diagnosed with vascular dementia (although not the alzheimer's as thought that might worry her too much) but it only worried her. Now we just talk about memory problems and that lots of older people have memory problems and take medication for those problems - that works better for Mum.

Try being really reassuring and not anxious - that will make her anxious.

I've learnt that people with dementia don't remember what is said in an argument or heated words but they do always remember the emotions they experienced at the time, so it's up to you to try and be the strong one and don't look to your mum to come up with the answers, because let's face it she probably wouldn't want to know the full story.

Mum's consultant didn't tell her she had dementia, just talked about what was physcially going on in her brain.

S

Sadie

 

[Onlyme]

If you do manage to get to the memory clinic they should ask your parent in a casual way if they are allowed to keep you informed. That way from that day on you will be copied in on any appointments or findings. It really helps when you are trying to keep track of what is going on.