Very distressed as mother wants me to take her home every day and she is at home

[Doss]

Help I am new to this forum
I care for my mother aged 88 years of age who lives alone in warden scheme ground floor flat. She has district nurse go in once a day in morning to give insulin as she is diabetic. She has poor mobility but still gets around using zimmer frame. I have employed a carer who has been marvelous and she visits mom 3 times a day, morning, lunchtime and early evening. She is unfortunately on holiday now for 3 weeks and I have taken over caring for mom. Since Friday mom has repeatedly asked me to take her home as her home of 28 years is not hers!!!!!!!! I have tried tactics of telling her that her home has workmen in and she cannot go home as it is unfit. This worked until tonight when she got very aggressive and abusive and started to sob like a child. I am worried as not sure whether she will find the strength to get out of her flat with walking frame and fall or that she will get more and more distressed about going home. Her dementia is strange as she still knows who I am and all other members of family and is not taken in by what I am saying to her. Please help with suggestions?

 

[Jo1958]

Doss, hello and a very warm welcome to Talking Point
I am so sorry to hear that your mother is so upset about 'home' and it causing you so much stress. Many people with dementia want to 'go home' but it doesn't seem to be a place it is a state of mind where they were safe and being totally cared for, maybe with their parents when they were young. There is no answer to questions of wanting to go home, only sympathy and hugs in my experience.
There are no rules or directions for how anyone will react to dementia, everyone is different and react differently.
Taking over while your mother's carer is on holiday is a big ask for you and must be very demanding with three visits a day plus the time that you would normally spend together, adding that much care to your usual routines must be very demanding for you both, I hope that you are getting some extra support during this time.
Take good care of yourself, and I look forward to hearing how things go and seeing you around the site.
With best wishes from Jo

 

[ellejay]

Hi Doss and welcome,
I'm sorry I can't give you any advice other than to say this is a very common problem.
My mum couldn't be convinced that she was home (40+ years, almost half her life, she's 89) and she would insist she'd only popped in for a visit/holiday.

She now lives in a care home and always says she wants to go back to where she "belongs", she means where she lived when she was a young wife, with her parents,siblings,aunts and cousins all living nearby.

That was obviously a good time in her life.

Sorry I'm no help, but can sympathise.

Lin x

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Doss

I know this might seem defeatist but have you considered residential care for your mother.

Whatever care you have in place she is still alone for the best part of the day. If she has no concept of time , she will be unable to look back to the time she last saw someone or forwards to the time someone else will come.

In residential care, she will have 24/7 care.

She may still want to `go home`, my husband wanted to go home when he lived at home. He too was looking for his childhood home. But now he is in residential care, he is so much more contented.

 

[simonphillips]

When Mom came out of hospital she was always asking me to take her home, even though that's where she was, and we've lived here over 40 years. The constant reassurances weren't enough and in a fit of frustration I asked her why she thought she wasn't there. She told me there should be 4 of us here, "where are the others?". Dad died in 1988 and my brother moved out when he was married in 1983. Home for Mom was the family of the 1970's; her and dad, me and my brother, all here together. She has settled down now and accepts home is just me, her and the cat. So home for her was a time and place, not just the place. Home is where the heart is, and her heart is in the past.

 

[Clementine]

It was exactly as you describe with our Mum and SimonPhillips I think that's it, in her mind there have been more people with her back in the past, Mum always talked about "the others". Now she is in a Nursing Home and she is content, she never asks to be taken home, sometimes she even sends us away saying that we are getting on her nerves, that she wants to have a rest. Because she has more people round her and is not alone anymore she feels at ease, I am sure Mum felt very lonely after Dad died and although we went to visit often, we did not stay.

 

[Dazmum]

It is upsetting Doss, we have had a lovely day here, my mum lives with us and her brother and his wife have been over to lunch. Mum's been watching a quiz and has literally just come in to me, handbag in hand and has said that now the quiz is over she'd better go home. She usually says this type of thing when she's been chatting with relatives as obviously they talk about 'old times', and I've come to expect it, but it always gives me a jolt and makes me very sad. When I told her that she lives here with us, (has done for six years) she got a bit tearful, she said she was glad and is back sitting watching tv. If she is very upset, I distract her with a memory book of old photographs of previous houses, gardens and people, but I don't know if this would work if your mum is being aggressive with you.

 

[ailyn2611]

Hi

I totally understand what you are going through. My mum used to asked to go home (when she is at home) all the time, and would get agitated and even aggressive when she was told the truth about being home, and that she 'can't go home'. What we then used to learn to do is to buy time with her, so we would tell her 'in a minute', or 'later', or 'let's just do this or that first' etc etc, with the hope that because of her memory, she forgets.

On a positive note, one blessing is that, that was some years ago, probably about 6-7 years ago, when she was in her late 50s. Now she is in a different phase of the disease, and no longer asks to 'go home'.

 

[george w]

So hard from george w

Help I am new to this forum
I care for my mother aged 88 years of age who lives alone in warden scheme ground floor flat. She has district nurse go in once a day in morning to give insulin as she is diabetic. She has poor mobility but still gets around using zimmer frame. I have employed a carer who has been marvelous and she visits mom 3 times a day, morning, lunchtime and early evening. She is unfortunately on holiday now for 3 weeks and I have taken over caring for mom. Since Friday mom has repeatedly asked me to take her home as her home of 28 years is not hers!!!!!!!! I have tried tactics of telling her that her home has workmen in and she cannot go home as it is unfit. This worked until tonight when she got very aggressive and abusive and started to sob like a child. I am worried as not sure whether she will find the strength to get out of her flat with walking frame and fall or that she will get more and more distressed about going home. Her dementia is strange as she still knows who I am and all other members of family and is not taken in by what I am saying to her. Please help with suggestions?

Hi,

I read the many replies you got about your Mum always wanting to go home which seems to be very common. I think it is because that is where they felt most loved and protected by their parents and siblings. They seem to go back to their childhood. My Mum was married for 52 years but to get her to remember my Dad is very hard, yet if I talk about her Mummy and Daddy and siblings it always brings a smile to her face and we discuss them. I think it is hard for you because this is unknown territory.
I also think you should keep her in her flat for as long as possible as my Mum has just gone into a home after 9 years of looking after her at home and as a family we are really suffering. She went in because she does not walk, feed or drink by herself but I really wish I could have her at home.
I wish you well and talk to others about the problems, I do think it helps. Since reading all the different problems I do not feel so alone.

 

[Doss]

Thanks for all your support and kind words

It has been even harder today as usually she is ok in day. From the time I went to get her up at 8 30am she was insistent I take her home and starting sobbing. She refused her medication, it was then I decided to get doctor in. Doctor arrived and she spoke to mom and decided she is depressed and has given her a small dose of anti depressant. I do hope this makes her feel better and does not make her drowsy etc!

Doss, hello and a very warm welcome to Talking Point
I am so sorry to hear that your mother is so upset about 'home' and it causing you so much stress. Many people with dementia want to 'go home' but it doesn't seem to be a place it is a state of mind where they were safe and being totally cared for, maybe with their parents when they were young. There is no answer to questions of wanting to go home, only sympathy and hugs in my experience.
There are no rules or directions for how anyone will react to dementia, everyone is different and react differently.
Taking over while your mother's carer is on holiday is a big ask for you and must be very demanding with three visits a day plus the time that you would normally spend together, adding that much care to your usual routines must be very demanding for you both, I hope that you are getting some extra support during this time.
Take good care of yourself, and I look forward to hearing how things go and seeing you around the site.
With best wishes from Jo

 

[sanford99]

It could all be linked to her carer not being there........If she so used to her carer being there, then that could disorientate her and make her feel out of her comfort zone. If the carer comes back and mum settles down then I would suggest you plan ahead and get another carer in 'doubling up' with usual carer for a couple of weeks before the regular one goes on hols again......it could be that simple........

In meantime, maybe talk to mum about her carer and how she will be back soon, as in, the lady who lives with you/makes your meals etc.....or even, when your house ready will take you back; drive her around for a few hours and have the carer waiting when you get in........I know it sounds awful........and I hold my hands up..but I take the view we do what we can to keep everyone settled as much as possible............nothing is easy at this stage and we are asked to do things we wouldn't normally do..... but we do them out of love and that is what we have to remember.......x.

 

[Tony36]

Take a drive

Doss, I had the same problem after I brought Brid home from hospital. I found it very difficult. But I had been chatting to patients on the internet and when I told them I got a very quick answer from one patient: "No problem, I get that way and they take me a quarter of a mile down the road and back home and then I know I am at home". Well, I tried it and took Brid 200 metres down the road and back and her comment was: I don't know what is wrong with you 'cos I know I am at home........ I took her out every day after that and never had the problem again.
Tony

 

[sid]

Hi Doss
Having had the same experience many times, it is worth remembering that with Altzheimers the short term memory goes first followed by medium and finally the long term memory - so your mother may only have that confused memory of what is "home/security"

I found that diversion can sometimes work, like both of you going into the garden to do something first, or jointly "having to do the washing up before you can leave" etc, above all don't raise your voice, or refuse her wishes- which can sometimes be hard.

If that doesn't work, a slow short walk preferably by going into other roads en route, and stopping to admire several aspects of "scenery" along the way, usual has the resultant effect of her happily returned to "her home/ security" again

I hope that it can also work for you
Best wishes
sid

 

[s-mack]

I can tell you what I used to say to my mother in the same situation

When I visited my mother she would always ask me to take her home and I would do same things as you - but then I learned to say "I can't take you today but I will take you home soon, maybe next time I visit I'll be able to take you home" - and that worked. It provided reassurance. It may work for you and your mother, or it may not. It is a heavy burden and my guess is that you are doing really well, and we all find our way through. There were times when I went home after visiting and just cried til I could cry no more. Sending you love and compassion

Help I am new to this forum
I care for my mother aged 88 years of age who lives alone in warden scheme ground floor flat. She has district nurse go in once a day in morning to give insulin as she is diabetic. She has poor mobility but still gets around using zimmer frame. I have employed a carer who has been marvelous and she visits mom 3 times a day, morning, lunchtime and early evening. She is unfortunately on holiday now for 3 weeks and I have taken over caring for mom. Since Friday mom has repeatedly asked me to take her home as her home of 28 years is not hers!!!!!!!! I have tried tactics of telling her that her home has workmen in and she cannot go home as it is unfit. This worked until tonight when she got very aggressive and abusive and started to sob like a child. I am worried as not sure whether she will find the strength to get out of her flat with walking frame and fall or that she will get more and more distressed about going home. Her dementia is strange as she still knows who I am and all other members of family and is not taken in by what I am saying to her. Please help with suggestions?

 

[dadsgel]

Hi, I have the same problem with my dad wanting to go home, but its not the home he lived in for nearly 60 yrs ( he has no memory of that one) Its the home he was brought up in ( he left there at age 20 when he married mum) who he also cant remember......
He constantly says he needs to go home to his dad and his brothers...
Now when I leave the care home and say bye, we have to tell him that someone is picking him up after his tea to take him home....It works for now.
I have learn t threw the years that there's no hard fast rule for anything, and to go with what keeps them happy at the time
Helen

 

[Jpr]

My mother never felt at home in the first residential home she was in and when we took her out - even to a different floor in the same home, it was worse. Taking her home was disaster because my father consistently hoped that this time taking her home would make her less anxious and feel better but she always felt worse, finding nothing familiar there.

In the second home the staff encouraged residents to participate in every day activities such as peeling carrots, laying the table, even 'fiddliing with the washing machine' and Mum often seemed to feel at home. It might just be that her disease had progressed, but I think it was because she felt like she had an identity once more.

At times when trying to reassure Mum I sometimes had some success in reducing her anxiety about going home, by asking what it was about home that Mum missed or worried about. Occassionally it seemed to open a window to discuss worries and sometimes just provided a distraction. Unfortunately if I inadvertently asked the question in too challenging a tone of voice Mum seemed to find it more threatening than reassuring, so tread carefully.

Awful disease,

 

[Tiz]

Compromise..

Dear Doss,
What you can't do is to persuade her at that minute that she IS at home. I know it is very distressing... once my Mum banged on the window to try to attract the attention of a passer-by to ask her to take her home: my brother and I were both there and trying to reason with her and all the while she was getting more and more agitated. It usually happened late afternoon.
WHAT WORKED FOR ME ? I would tell her that it was a bit wet/dark/difficult etc to get the car out..roads were a bit slippery/blocked etc... but not to worry as I would phone "home" and tell "them" she would be there in the morning. She immediately calmed down and within a short time had forgotten and was ready to go to bed. I think it was important to her to know that her Mum/Dad etc were not worrying about her not being there.
In general it was important to find/invent explanations which did not challenge what she believed but which gave her an "excuse" to acquiesce. It is sad that I had to use this tactic many times before Mum eventually went into her care home. At this stage she did not even realise that she was anywhere new.
I wish you strength and courage, Doss.
Tiz

 

[Padraig]

A period in time

There comes a period in time when many of us will be left on our own in the winter of our years. Even though our mind is clear, for some of us there is little to look forward to in the rapidly changing world about us. We no longer belong and many end up depressed.
When we do have a visitors we like to talk a lot: a sign of loneliness.
It comes as no surprise to learn that few wish to hear about the olden days when life was less stressful with less materiel items. We like to dwell no happier times and places. If it were possible we would like to be transported back in time to those places. Sometimes it happens in our dreams.
Consider or try to, if you had AD might you not try to seek out friends, family and places that are clearly in the earliest recesses of the mind?
The 'wanting to go home' period will pass and in another period of time you may well ask yourself: "Why did I not try to see it from her/his perspective?"

Consider you may be having a glimpse of what the future hold for you.
Or am I just another 'old git' wasting time.

 

[DLM]

Jolene Brackery writes in Creating Moments of Joy: New found Response to "I want to go home"
"When they ask to go home, they might be asking permission to leave this world. It should be OK to go home ..." "It is more difficult for a person with dementia to "go home"

Maybe your LO is using different words to asking permission to leave this world?

Are you ready and able to grant LO permission?

 

[Padraig]

Proof my wife wanted to go 'home'

During the early years of AD my wife kept wanting to go home. Each time I offered to take her. She always wanted to walk there, so I took her by the hand and we walked and talked till she got tired and forgot about 'home'.
A number of times she took off on her own and they were the scariest times, because we lived in remote countryside and our land was bordered by a river and large pond. There was one time I had to inform the police that she had taken off and was nowhere to be found.
I always knew she wanted to return to the home of her childhood. This was confirmed one day when she took off unnoticed along our drive, to the winding country road and on to the the main road. A vehicle came down the drive and the driver informed me that my wife was walking along the highway.
I took off in the car and pulled alongside her. She was wearing one slipper and one wellie as she strolled along the grass verge:
"Where you going?"
"Home."
"Where's home? Hop in and I'll give you a lift."
Imagine my surprise as she reeled off the address of her childhood home. An address I'd long forgotten and no longer existed. The whole area of houses had been bulldozed down some 30-40 years earlier and her parents rehoused.
That address is now imprinted in my mind: !4, Withwell Terrace, St. Helen's, West Auckland Co Durham, a long way on foot.
I knew why she wanted to return, it was a poor mining community: a two up two down, where people left their doors open and looked out for one another. It was rich in love.
It helps to get to know your loved one and the time frame time they are in. We were lucky as I met her when she was 17-18 years old.
Sorry if this is long winded, but I'm trying to give an 'old timer's', not 'Alzheimer's' perspective. But then again maybe both. Or maybe this post is a waste of time.