I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.
I wasn't there when my dad passed. I had wanted to be, but having been there with him for so many hours, I had gone home to get some sleep. I can't turn back the clock, and so took the view that I wouldn't be upset by something I couldn't change.
Yes we are all here, just the other side of the screen, but if you feel you need to talk to a real person, please do take Beckyjan's and give the Samaritans or perhaps Cruse a call. Cruse Bereavement Care promotes the well-being of bereaved people and enables anyone bereaved by death to understand their grief and cope with their loss.
www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk
Daytime Helpline: 0844 477 9400
helpline@cruse.org.uk