Hi, I went out with my mum in the car, with my mum driving, and a few things happened, one being that she didn't see a couple crossing the carpark and I had to shout out for her to stop, the other concern is that when she had parked the car, she didn't seem to remember what had just happened. I need to talk to her about it and I know she isn't looking forward to stopping driving but I know the time is drawing near. Has anyone any suggestions on how to approach and handle the conversation.
Driving
- Thread starter Gill 1
- Start date
Hi Gill
Funnily enough I was just talking about this to someone and saying when my dad was 82 or thereabouts he had an incident in the car which he couldn't remember anything about. He had just set off from the house and gone about 100yards...the next thing he knew was the car had mounted the pavement and was leaning against a lampost. He was unhurt, and the car only had a slight dent indicating that he was going pretty slowly, but he was shaken by the experience and after discussing it over a few days (implications of what might have happened had there been anyone walking by) he decided himself to stop driving. It seems you have a couple of choices - wait for a good time and discuss it in a general way to see how your mum reacts and hope nothing happens in the meantime or just sieze the day! The Alzheimers has a booklet on Dementia and Driving which you could use to check that your mum has done everything she needs to do in terms of the law etc and take it from there.
Here is the link to the factsheet: http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=144
It is a tricky one but one which I am confident others on here will have tackled. The worse scenario is of course that she has a serious incident and that really is to be avoided.
Funnily enough I was just talking about this to someone and saying when my dad was 82 or thereabouts he had an incident in the car which he couldn't remember anything about. He had just set off from the house and gone about 100yards...the next thing he knew was the car had mounted the pavement and was leaning against a lampost. He was unhurt, and the car only had a slight dent indicating that he was going pretty slowly, but he was shaken by the experience and after discussing it over a few days (implications of what might have happened had there been anyone walking by) he decided himself to stop driving. It seems you have a couple of choices - wait for a good time and discuss it in a general way to see how your mum reacts and hope nothing happens in the meantime or just sieze the day! The Alzheimers has a booklet on Dementia and Driving which you could use to check that your mum has done everything she needs to do in terms of the law etc and take it from there.
Here is the link to the factsheet: http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=144
It is a tricky one but one which I am confident others on here will have tackled. The worse scenario is of course that she has a serious incident and that really is to be avoided.
It's a difficult step to give up driving and many people need to be persuaded (even if in their hearts they know it's right). With my father I tried to be positive about it - along the lines of "you're a good driver now - it's best to quit while you're on top" rather than pointing out the negative incidents.
Good luck.
Good luck.
What did the DVLA and her Insurance company say when she was first diagnosed ? If you have the slightest doubt that her driving is not safe I think you should speak to her GP and the DVLA and get an assessment done.
There is no such thing as a short safe drive. Once on the roads we all have to be competent drivers in any circumstances.
I do appreciate how hard it is, but it would be much harder if an accident happened.
There is no such thing as a short safe drive. Once on the roads we all have to be competent drivers in any circumstances.
I do appreciate how hard it is, but it would be much harder if an accident happened.
Hi
DVLA wrote to the hospital and were happy with their response and her insurance company just put a note on her file. The hospital only see her for short appointments and don't see the overall picture, However, as you rightly said, there is no safe short journey and I was nervous while I was a passenger in the car.
DVLA wrote to the hospital and were happy with their response and her insurance company just put a note on her file. The hospital only see her for short appointments and don't see the overall picture, However, as you rightly said, there is no safe short journey and I was nervous while I was a passenger in the car.
Does she have friends who could drive her to some places? The cost of running a car, as we all know, is very expensive, so perhaps the savings could go towards using taxis. Sadly I am sure she is like the rest of us, that it is not the major outings, but the quick pop up to the local shops, or off to a garden centre, or to see friends, and it is just the ease of driving rather than having to organise something.
Maybe it will come down to you to do sit down with her and lay it on the line just how worried you are. Appeal to her caring side, as I am sure she would hate to put anyone at risk. The fact that you dont want to be in a car with her says a lot. I would try the persuasion route first, and if that fails you may need to get your GP involved.
Maybe it will come down to you to do sit down with her and lay it on the line just how worried you are. Appeal to her caring side, as I am sure she would hate to put anyone at risk. The fact that you dont want to be in a car with her says a lot. I would try the persuasion route first, and if that fails you may need to get your GP involved.
" Appeal to her caring side, as I am sure she would hate to put anyone at risk."
Yes, that's what I did with my dad..he had a good imagination and I just said imagine if someone had been walking along the street just at that time. It took a couple of days of mulling over but he came round to the decision himself. I think he only drove once or twice after the incident (to get the car repaired!) and once he had made the decision it wasn't a problem and I used to take my mum shopping (she doesn't drive!). Then he enjoyed the idea of all the money he was saving in running costs, maintenance, insurance etc. Practical things like shopping can be done online now of course (with your help no doubt) and once you have broached the subject it might be better than you think it's going to be. Good luck...x
Yes, that's what I did with my dad..he had a good imagination and I just said imagine if someone had been walking along the street just at that time. It took a couple of days of mulling over but he came round to the decision himself. I think he only drove once or twice after the incident (to get the car repaired!) and once he had made the decision it wasn't a problem and I used to take my mum shopping (she doesn't drive!). Then he enjoyed the idea of all the money he was saving in running costs, maintenance, insurance etc. Practical things like shopping can be done online now of course (with your help no doubt) and once you have broached the subject it might be better than you think it's going to be. Good luck...x
Hi Gill 1................I had recieved information about my Mum's driving not being up to standard from her friends. They provided this as a way of asking me to do something about it.
She would drive down one way streets, bump other cars in the car park, and forget where she was going or her way home. She had a very near miss with someone on a zebra crossing too. Her car bumpers, and the fact she always refused to drive any member of the family, led us to believe she was no longer safe.
This was backed up by her friends making up excuses as to why they couldn't go line dancing/shopping etc. They no longer wanted to travel in the same car. It was a very difficult situation and no ammount of persuasion for whatever reason was going to see Mum give the car up voluntarily.
I had no option but to write to the DVLA (which they treated annonomously). This resulted in Mum receiving paperwork which had to be filled out by her doctor, and consequently her licence was revoked.
I can honestly say I felt nothing but relief! Can you imagine the horror if she/others had come to any harm or lost their lives through her inability to drive safely, and all along I was aware of it but did nothing.
I will say that she totally blamed me, and gave me a horrid time for a while ( she had no proof, but assumed it was me because I'd spent so much time trying to persuade her to give it up). However that was nothing compared to that of a court case with possibly awful charges!
I felt awfully guilty taking her last bit of independence away, but it just had to be done, and I know I did the right thing! If in doubt please act with your head not your heart.
Hi Gill - I have been "down this road" with my husband. When I notified the DVLA initially about his diagnosis he had an assessment and drove very well, passed and was given a licence for 2-3 years (sorry can't remember now how long it was). When I realised that he was becoming unsafe I rang the DVLA myself and asked for a further assessment. The Assessor was excellent and phoned me first to get my views on his driving. He had the assessment and his driving was so bad the Assessor had to stop the assessment half way through and take him back to the centre. He explained very carefully that he had to stop driving and that it was nothing at all to do with me it was totally his (the Assessors) fault - he was stopping him. Hubby did find it very difficult to accept and in fact faught me for the keys to the car, but I thought "I have to win this" and did. It took a few weeks for him to forget about it but I was so relieved that he coould not go out and cause an accident. I really think you need to do something abnout this sooner rather than later, before something really serious happens. Good Luck. Sox
Hello Gill 1 , Just wanting to send you much Love & Support at this hard time for you & your Mum .... not easy for you
My Father has Mild / Moderate Dementia for 3 Years & last year he had to stop Driving
...... Had to "talk" to Dad's G P she is also my G P ... Parents had to have Appt with her after G P had sent them a " Letter " explaining how worried i was etc ..... ( Dad had " 2 or 3 " Un - Safe " incidents on the road .... thankfully NO Accidents E T C ...... Dad sadly would not ( i think ) have taken any notice of me had i tried to make Him give up Driving ... but of course every body is different ! ( That is why asked G P for help )
Postive Vibes that you have some luck with your Mum !
Best Wishes to you both
Love Grove x x
My Father has Mild / Moderate Dementia for 3 Years & last year he had to stop Driving
...... Had to "talk" to Dad's G P she is also my G P ... Parents had to have Appt with her after G P had sent them a " Letter " explaining how worried i was etc ..... ( Dad had " 2 or 3 " Un - Safe " incidents on the road .... thankfully NO Accidents E T C ...... Dad sadly would not ( i think ) have taken any notice of me had i tried to make Him give up Driving ... but of course every body is different ! ( That is why asked G P for help ) Postive Vibes that you have some luck with your Mum !
Best Wishes to you both
Love Grove x x
