One year on

[HelenMG]

Hi all,
I had birthday greetings from talking point today which was lovely. Thank You TP!
Its just over a year since Dad died and It has been a tough year. I buried myself in work for most of the year as I was just too traumatised by the sadness and grief of living through Dad's last years - with him so lost and vulnerable - and I unable to do much about it. But lately , one year on, I am able to deal with my loss a bit better. Dad had a good and long life, so my grief for his passing, in itself, would have been soothed by the knowledge and appreciation of that long and good life. But the harrowing way in which his mind and his personality were affected by dementia in his latter years was by far more difficult to come to terms with. Living through his last years with him nearly ripped my heart out.

The church had a mass in the cemetary in June for all those who died in the past year and when it came to Communion I couldnt hold the tears back - they flowed and flowed - and my grief found an outlet. I am still traumatised by those last years and how lost and vulnerable he was - and how often I misread those signs and did the wrong thing - not realising how lost and insecure he was. But despite that he would tell me - when he could - that I was very good - and I cling to that.

TP has was such a support during those years and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the kindness and advice and companionship you gave me through what were the most difficult years of my life. I would have been lost without you. Thank you all so much.
with great love
Helen

 

[sanford99]

I am new, so had no part in your support; but can empathise as currently going through so much with Mum and have been for years, So, whilst not been there for you at all, I can empathise as to what you have been through and through losses of my own, can empathise again (to some extent only) as to how you must be feeling.......

You have my sympathies. I dread my mum passing, though I know it will happen and in one sense it will a release for us both; but it won't be easy..........

Big hugs; you were a good daughter and your dad knew it. Take comfort from that.........xxxxxxxxx

PS. Grief counselling is a very good way to get things out in the open; family so often don't want to know and you don't want to 'burden' your friends etc....sometimes talking to a stranger helps......but if not, then trust in this forum and use us............Thinking of you......xxxxxxxx

 

[BeckyJan]

Hello Helen:
Its good to hear from you - this section of TP is an excellent way of coming back to let the rest of us know how you are coping. It seems you are ok although I understand your reflections on those very difficult final years of dementia.

By sharing those thoughts I hope you help others - either those who have also lost their loved ones and the rest of us who are still struggling.

Your presence on TP is always welcome, either to offload your own concerns or to help others with your experiences and advice.

Best wishes

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Helen

Thank you for returning to TP with an update. It is really good to hear from you. x

 

[Izzy]

It's almost 6 weeks since my mum died. Like you I am sad that she suffered so much from this awful disease. I keep thinking of the times I lost patience with her. She kept saying how good I was or she didn't know what she'd do without me but all I can think of just now is how I should have been more understanding. Thank you for sharing how you feel a year down the line. x

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Izzy

I doubt there is a person on TP who does not regret not being a saint.

It does not make losing our patience recommendable but it is so much easier to be self critical after the event , on reflection, than at the time when we were tired and stressed out.

 

[Izzy]

Thank you Sylvia.

 

[Padraig]

A period in time

For what it's worth I learned very early in life that this is a valley of tears. For what it's worth I see life as made up of periods in time; some joyous some sad. Be they sad or joyous, make the best possible memories while your in the present period of time.

It will be four years in Dec since my wife passed and I have a few regrets, My stolen childhood in Ireland made me appreciate love. Without that early experience I would never have been able, or indeed been so stubborn as to reject help and care at home for my wife alone to the very end.
Like your Dad I've had a very good life and though I still have very bad days with this cancer I'm thankful for the good days. One thing I've passed on to our children: I don't want them feeling hurt at my passing, rather to rejoice at the periods in time we spent that are special memories. I'm sure your Dad would want the same.

 

[HelenMG]

Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts and words of wisdom,
Padraig, I know what you mean. Life is a gift - and it comes with good and also hard times and we are lucky when we have good memories and treasured moments to remember. Like you, my Dad took life as it came, knocks and setbacks as well as good times. He always felt very fortunate and so had such a genuine concern for others and that is my abiding memory of him. He really loved and enjoyed life and that helps me to deal with this valley of tears I am passing through now. I am looking forward to the day when I will be happy again and able to remember all the good times we shared. Thank you for reminding me about them!

Izzy, I am sorry to hear of your Mum's passing - my heart goes out to you at this sad time. Your mum knew you were there for her and, like my dad, she was able to tell you that she really appreciated that very much so despite us thinking we weren't doing enough, we at least know that our loved ones knew we loved them, despite our imperfections. And although it is so hard not to think about how we might have been more understaning and done more - Sylvia is right - it is easy to forget how stressful and difficult it was at the time. Your mum knew you were there for her and that memory will give you strength.

Beckyjan, Sylvia and Sanford, it is so lovely to read your messages and advice, TP is so great for that. It is always lovely to know that you are not alone with your worries or sadness.
Thanks again everyone, especially all the moderators- you are great the way you look out for everyone.
Big big hugs all around!,
Helen xx

 

[together]

Helen, I can feel for so much of what you say and you have made me feel better for reading it. Today is 6 months since I lost Mum -not normally one for noting things like that, but emotions helter skelter as my son got married on Saturday so obviously much in my mind. Am still desperately trying to remember the good times but this dreadful disease pushes all those cruel memories to the fore doesn't it? We just need to keep reminding each other to keep searching and they will come. I think my ridiculous wish would be to have just 5 mins to tell her everything - so many mornings i wake up and think i'd love to tell her this or that....
Anyway here's to those happy memories for us to recover, take care
Katherine xx

 

[HelenMG]

Dear Katherine,
I am sorry for your great loss - The emotions do keep going helter skelter, dont they. It will be good when that stops. I keep remembering harrowing things too especially when I am in the place where they happened. But there are places too where Dad and I had good times and I need to also remember our walks and chats and holidays. I have put photos of Dad around the house with his great big smile and twinkle in his eye to remind me of the good times. I have a lovely one of him standing beside his beloved car and another of him really enjoying visiting an old steam train and train station. Only now have I bought one of those digital frames and only now can I go through my photos to pick out those of the good times, not just of Dad but Mum too , and other dear ones of happy family times.
My Dad just wasnt able to go to my brothers wedding - it wasnt to be - and that was very sad - but I like to think of him having been there - in a fine suit and lovely tie, and singing a song at the end - just like he did at all the other family weddings. Your mum would have loved and enjoyed your sons wedding too so maybe just imagine her there and the great time she would have had!
Thank you for writing, Katherine - your message too has helped me, and yes, here's to all those happy memories that will help us recover.
Big hug,
Helen xx