I have been reading TP for 10 years while my husband has been slowly deterioarating with frontal lobe dementia. I have plenty of daytime respite and he has rolling respite at every six weeks to give me a break. I've had a short holiday a few months ago and I'm due to go away for 2 weeks at the beginning of September. My husband has a lovely gentle personality and is very easy to manage generally, Since the last 2 respites, I feel I am resenting him being here and he may be picking up on this. He is loosing understanding of the spoken word and constantly repeats what I say and will fuss and question endlessly over a minor issue. I don't want to moan at my friends as he is very good with them.I blow up at silly issues and much to my shame, I belittle him which I'm not proud of. I have been on anti depressants before but don't see them as an answer to this . I want to get on with my life and yet know that I can't so please help me to regain my equilibrium as my husband doesn't deserve this.
Why am I such a witch?
- Thread starter susie
- Start date
Susie, we've all been there at some stage or another. This is the hard and sharp end of it all and even the best plaster saint would be cracking after a few years.
I wonder if you have enough day to day care? When did you last have a carer's assessment. It may be that you need to be able to have someone in for a few hours so that you can go to bed for a quick sleep, read alone and in peace for an hour, have a friend to meet you and a coffee in a coffee shop for an hour - a million and one things which takes you away for just an hour or two and which the majority of the adult population take for granted.
On the other hand the downside of having carers come in is that your life begins to feel so regimented. Is there a day care centre where your husband could go for a couple of days each week?
With all the help in the world you are bound to feel restricted and stifled at times. Caring for an adult who is so very helpless is the hardest thing we are ever asked to do. I hope that for both your sakes you can get the extra help you need.
xxTinaT
I wonder if you have enough day to day care? When did you last have a carer's assessment. It may be that you need to be able to have someone in for a few hours so that you can go to bed for a quick sleep, read alone and in peace for an hour, have a friend to meet you and a coffee in a coffee shop for an hour - a million and one things which takes you away for just an hour or two and which the majority of the adult population take for granted.
On the other hand the downside of having carers come in is that your life begins to feel so regimented. Is there a day care centre where your husband could go for a couple of days each week?
With all the help in the world you are bound to feel restricted and stifled at times. Caring for an adult who is so very helpless is the hardest thing we are ever asked to do. I hope that for both your sakes you can get the extra help you need.
xxTinaT
Hi Susie
Dont for one minute think you are a witch!!!
You have been doing all you can for your husband for a long time and obviously still love the man you married. If you didnt and you were a 'witch', you wouldnt be on here sharing your thoughts and feelings with others.
Please, please dont feel bad for having feelings of resentment, you are human and as such we all can only tolerate so much before we have to vent in one way or another.
Sending you hugs of encouragement and thanks on your husbands behalf,
God Bless,
Linda xx
Dont for one minute think you are a witch!!!
You have been doing all you can for your husband for a long time and obviously still love the man you married. If you didnt and you were a 'witch', you wouldnt be on here sharing your thoughts and feelings with others.
Please, please dont feel bad for having feelings of resentment, you are human and as such we all can only tolerate so much before we have to vent in one way or another.
Sending you hugs of encouragement and thanks on your husbands behalf,
God Bless,
Linda xx
Susie, hi
I can't help but I can sympathise, 10 years is a very long time to put your life on hold for and no amount of daytime help or respite is going to help when you are both together and all the responsibility is on you.
Take good care of yourself and I hope that this next respite gives you a happier break.
With kind regards from Jo
I can't help but I can sympathise, 10 years is a very long time to put your life on hold for and no amount of daytime help or respite is going to help when you are both together and all the responsibility is on you.
Take good care of yourself and I hope that this next respite gives you a happier break.
With kind regards from Jo
I agree with Tina....time for a further and fuller care assessment and see if you can regain some independence back into your day to day to life. Respite is just that; we know it is temporary and we still have to face what we have looked away from for a few hours, a few days, a few weeks............it never leaves us really, let's be honest.
Time for another assessement and whilst I understand your adversion to anti- depressants there is a lot to be said for just seeing your GP and letting him/her know how hard you are finding it lately......best to flag it up as it may come to be useful for the care assessment. Ten years?? Long long time....I think living with Alz's is like living in dog years..every one feels like seven!!
By the way, don't think you are a witch; you sound wonderfully patient, tolerant and loving. But just in case you are....can you magic me up a margarita??? Ta...xxxxxx
Time for another assessement and whilst I understand your adversion to anti- depressants there is a lot to be said for just seeing your GP and letting him/her know how hard you are finding it lately......best to flag it up as it may come to be useful for the care assessment. Ten years?? Long long time....I think living with Alz's is like living in dog years..every one feels like seven!!
By the way, don't think you are a witch; you sound wonderfully patient, tolerant and loving. But just in case you are....can you magic me up a margarita??? Ta...xxxxxx
Hi Susie, we seem to be in a very similar situation. My husband has had frontal lobe AZ, diagnosed 5 years ago, but I suspect had had it for 2-3 years previously. He has no conversation, he can't even say No now (it used to be his favourite word!), has been aggressive, is inclined to wander and is incontinent as well as the AZ. I too have moments when I feel "I don't want to do this anymore" but unfortunately there really isn't any other option. I certainly couldn't walk away, much as I sometimes want to! Because we are self funding I can't afford too much caring so only get one afternoon a week off and spend that trying to catch up on things I can't do with hubby around.
I am afraid I too "lost it" this morning - I was so busy trying to get on top of the cleaning and he wouldn't stay out of the kitchen, insisted on walking on the wet newly washed floor! I was terrified he would fall. The only good thing about this disease is that he immediately forgot that I had shouted at him!
Don't beat yourself up, caring for someone with any type of dementia is so wearing, we are all only human and need to have a moan sometimes. I find TP is the best place for this, as I really don't like to moan to friends or family. I think the suggestion of a carer's assessment is a good one as things change so much without us actually realising it - I think we are too close to the problem to see it.
Take care. Sox
I am afraid I too "lost it" this morning - I was so busy trying to get on top of the cleaning and he wouldn't stay out of the kitchen, insisted on walking on the wet newly washed floor! I was terrified he would fall. The only good thing about this disease is that he immediately forgot that I had shouted at him!
Don't beat yourself up, caring for someone with any type of dementia is so wearing, we are all only human and need to have a moan sometimes. I find TP is the best place for this, as I really don't like to moan to friends or family. I think the suggestion of a carer's assessment is a good one as things change so much without us actually realising it - I think we are too close to the problem to see it.
Take care. Sox
It's partly about what marriage means. TEN YEARS. Wow, that's a long time to be dealing with marriage as it was NOT meant to be. A decade is time to take stock, and I think your subconscious is taking stock. I believe that there is an element here of detaching from the path that your husband is on and wanting to be on a different path yourself.
I have not got your experience of a partner with dementia, but I have experience of a situation with my partner where the things I thought were a normal part of marriage were things he saw as optional, and I struggled for 2 years with whether I could live with this forever, or whether it was a deal breaker. I am talking about having a sex life.
I finally decided that my marriage vows, and my love for my husband, were more important than my 'right' to a sex life. It was a very hard decision to make, but love ultimately decided it for me. Since that time there has been a certain amount of physical intimacy between us, and I have come to accept more readily my partner's view that all that stuff is on hold until the time he retires and has free time to enjoy himself. I still think his attitude is very unfair, but I did sign up for a lifetime with him, I love him, and anyway sex is a ridiculous undignified activity, so why do I need it? [No need to answer that one, readers, I am sure you have your own views!]
I have not got your experience of a partner with dementia, but I have experience of a situation with my partner where the things I thought were a normal part of marriage were things he saw as optional, and I struggled for 2 years with whether I could live with this forever, or whether it was a deal breaker. I am talking about having a sex life.
I finally decided that my marriage vows, and my love for my husband, were more important than my 'right' to a sex life. It was a very hard decision to make, but love ultimately decided it for me. Since that time there has been a certain amount of physical intimacy between us, and I have come to accept more readily my partner's view that all that stuff is on hold until the time he retires and has free time to enjoy himself. I still think his attitude is very unfair, but I did sign up for a lifetime with him, I love him, and anyway sex is a ridiculous undignified activity, so why do I need it? [No need to answer that one, readers, I am sure you have your own views!]
Thank you everyone for your constructive replies. You can always rely on TP for help. I think Katrine hit the nail on the head when she said I am beginning to detach from my husbands path. I definately want to be on a different path on my own but I know when the time comes I will miss him. Until then Katrine, I agree, marriage vows are to be honoured! I've done a lot of thinking this afternoon and I shall stop trying to be Mrs Perfect and hope that my husbands short term memory is so short now, he forgets when I loose my cool.Tomorrow is another day! Thanks everyone.
Tomorrow is another day, as they say....like Scarlett and her Tara..........but forgive me, every day mounts up................don' t mistake accepting marriage vows for accepting EVERYTHING WITHOUT HELP...... so,please, still think things through; if we could look after everyone's needs all by ourselves all of the time then there would be no need for care homes etc........whilst our intentions are in the right place for our loved ones, sometimes however we need to know where the right place is for our loved ones.....xxx
I've been there
I've looked after my husband for twelve years now, first multiple strokes and since 2005 vascular dementia added to the mix. I find my patience levels drop sometimes and I am resentful, frustrated, annoyed at every little thing. The solution for me is to dig in the garden, go for a walk, look at the sea if I can.
When Ray is well enough we go for a picnic somewhere quiet and just enjoy some serenity. I think being around people too much is as unsettling for me as it is for him. For one thing I start comparing the life I have to the life I miss and envy the couples walking hand in hand in a "normal" relationship!
No-one is perfect and sometimes we have to accept that what we have will have to do for now. Things will change again and now will seem to much better by comparison.
Hang in there.
Sue.
I've looked after my husband for twelve years now, first multiple strokes and since 2005 vascular dementia added to the mix. I find my patience levels drop sometimes and I am resentful, frustrated, annoyed at every little thing. The solution for me is to dig in the garden, go for a walk, look at the sea if I can.
When Ray is well enough we go for a picnic somewhere quiet and just enjoy some serenity. I think being around people too much is as unsettling for me as it is for him. For one thing I start comparing the life I have to the life I miss and envy the couples walking hand in hand in a "normal" relationship!
No-one is perfect and sometimes we have to accept that what we have will have to do for now. Things will change again and now will seem to much better by comparison.
Hang in there.
Sue.
