Mum wont get help!

[limafoxtrot]

We have noticed Mums memory has been getting worse for a while now. Earlier this year she fell through the night & also had a bad water burn on her arm, the worrying thing is, she couldn't remember falling or how she got the burn. I was very worried & talked to her doctor who was also worried and a doctor came to her house to access her. Mum was then sent an appointment to go to a memory clinic in June & I said I would go with her but she refused to go, saying her memory was ok.
Since then she seemed to have got worse & she is getting aggressive sometimes, like shouting, which is unusual for Mum.

Me & my husband live abroad but I call her everyday & I most of the time Mum tells me the same thing day after day. I am getting so worried about her, not just because of her memory but when we were home in June she had a couple of phone calls from
companies that were going to work on her roof & even new windows, both that
don't need doing. Fortunately, this time she had not given them any money & we were there and able to cancel the jobs.

Mum does go out everyday on the bus but sometimes can't remember the place she has been to. Mum did say that people with a memory problem wouldn't do that, so her memory is ok!

My daughter lives not far from Mum & goes to seen her often & her neighbours keep and eye on her & both have noticed how she is changing.

Can anyone please advise what we can do next to help her, I knownit's difficult as she won't go to the memory clinic & refuses to talk to her doctor about it.

Thank you

 

[ozzylou]

worrying time for you all

Hi Limafoxtrot,
Sadly I can't give you the benefit of my experience with this issue but I am sorry to hear about your concerns for mum it must make it even more difficult for you with living away. I wonder if your mum is already aware of her memory/behavioural changes but is too afraid to admit to them and going to the GP or memory clinic means that she has to face up to what might lie ahead and that she will have to depend on someone else for her needs. Most of the time your mum is probably still ok and the correct treatment might be enough to keep her independent for longer. Have you suggested to her that it would be a good idea for her to see a GP to eliminate other possible ailments and to put your mind at rest and would be happy if she proved you wrong.
I am sure there will be others on here who have been through the same as you and offer you some good advice. Take care

 

[Meercat]

I totally understand how you are feeling as i too am trying to sort things from afar.

Where my relative lives they will do memory tests at the patients home so it might be worth enquiring about this.
i agree also that it's worth asking for your Mum to got to the doctors for her (age xx ) 'MOT@ and then e-mail the docote requesting he giv eblood tests etc to rule out things like vitamin B defiviency, depression thyroid etc etc

Is it worth setting up another memoery clinic appointmet but not being entirely honest about what the appointment is for - sometimes one does have to tell little fibs to help

A presreption of a low dose of anto depressants may help your mum's aggression - she is probably 'fighting' the frustrating and frightening feelings she has.

Because of the risk of your mum mis managing her affairs e.g. being ripped off by companies it might be worth asking if she would like someone to be her power of attorney?

Good luck

 

[limafoxtrot]

Hi Ozzylou

Thank you. Yes its very worrying not being near Mum but I'm lucky to have Family & her good neighbours there keeping an eye in her.

When Mum refused to go to the Memory Clinic she said "she is not mad" and I think the thought of her going frightened her, so i suggested she goes and prove to them she was ok but still she refused. When the doctor came who referred her to the Memory Clinic, she said she answered all her questions correctly, (she told me that several times), however, her neighbour who was with her told me there was a few things she answered that were not correct.

I think Mum is going out everyday to prove to people she is ok as she says people
with memory loss don't do that. I have also noticed that when I call her and she has
an ache or something, she always she "but I'm ok" as if to prove to us there is
nothing wrong with her.

At the moment, I don't know who turn to, to get her the help she needs.

 

[nogginthenog]

We had the same problems with my MIL. A starting point might be to try and understand why she will not take any help. This could be a refusal to accept that she is ill and an attempt to ignore it - but with some older people there is a worry that they will be "put in a home" against their will. It could also be a worry that she may have to pay for any support services ?

.. I have to say we failed - my MIL refused all home support and we live a long way away as well . We did get her to see a social worker at home but she would not accept any care packages. Things deteriorated over a year or so and after a couple of emergency hospital admissions the social worker/hospital discharged her to a care home for assessment and she was unable to move home again. This was probably inevitable but with suitable home care I think she could have managed another 6 months in her own home. As it was clear the MIL would need to be council funded they did everything they could to get her to stay at home but it was not possible.

You could also talk to her GP. Whilst he will probably be unable to talk about your mother without her permission there is no problem with you telling him about your concerns .

Involving social services elderly care could also be useful even if she refuses help - she is at least "in the system"

 

[limafoxtrot]

Thank you for all you kind words & advice.

I do think Mum probably does know but is refusing to accept it, it's so sad seeing her like this I know I can't but I want my old Mum back, I love her so much & its so upsetting seeing her like this.

I did talk to her GP when she fell & he too was concerned that she couldn't remember how she did it. It happened through the night & when my daughter went to see her she was horrified, she had a black eye and where she had either scolded or burnt herself, the skin was coming off, Mum only noticed this AFTER she had a shower. Over the next couple of weeks down the side of her face down to her neck went black. All this & Mum thought she must have bumped herself slightly on the door when she got
up through the night.

In did call "Age Concern" who were very helpful but could only do so much as she refused help. I managed to get someone to go, telling Mum they were going to see her to access if she could get any "financial help". They mentioned having meals brought to her but she was horrified that her neighbours would see them go, so refused.

I have tried to talk to her about going into sheltered accommodation, saying it would be easier for her to manage (she lives in a 3 bed bungalow) again she refused saying she was happy where she was & didn't want to leave her neighbours. The neighbours she is talking about are also looking at going into sheltered accommodation & have tried to talk to her about it.

We will keep trying, as will my daughter & son who live in the same town as her, although my daughter has MS, so sometimes its sometimes difficult for her.

Thank you all again for your support.

 

[lillibet]

It's hard on us

to see these things happening to a parent and feel so helpless. I am also supervising my mum from a distance though still in the same country.
I find on the personal level it is best to be very clear with my mother about my 'version' of the situation. She will always try to rationalise or explain away (all elderly people do this/do that/say this, etc ) but I just stick to my guns and tell her I've noticed her not being able to do things, forgetting, having tantrums etc. And I tell her it worries me. I'm sorry if this sounds negative, but the more you try to push things however gently she is probably just going to resist more. For a while things may have to take their course. Somewhere along the way, something may jolt her into feeling she needs help, or that may never happen.
On the professional side, I would make your concerns and observations known to the usual people (GP, Social Services). Don't expect too much action but at least they'll have another version of events. I was telling my mum for months that I felt she needed to see a mental health nurse before the GP eventually suggested it and luckily mum agreed.
I do sympathise, it's very hard for us being 'on the sidelines'.

 

[Onlyme]

In did call "Age Concern" who were very helpful but could only do so much as she refused help. I managed to get someone to go, telling Mum they were going to see her to access if she could get any "financial help". They mentioned having meals brought to her but she was horrified that her neighbours would see them go, so refused.

Hi

If your Mum is so concerned about the neighbours would she allow a carer in to make her her lunch? Your Mum could tell the neighbours that she has now got a servant! MIL would allow the carer in under cover of her being a lunch lady but would never have allowed a carer in.

 

[limafoxtrot]

Thank you

Thank you all for your replies, it helps to known other people understand and I'm not alone.