How much time do you spend caring?

[epgs1]

Hi all, I am new to this forum and hope to be able to learn from other's experiences to help me cope with my aging mum. She has a mix of vascular dementure and alzheimer's and is probably in the early to mid stages of the disease. Short term memory is extremely poor, she is often quite agressive, but still knows who I am.

I feel that I am coping reasonably well and with the help and support of a pretty good community care package will be able to continue to keep mum realtively comfortable in her own home as long as possible.

The main issue I am struggling with at this point is the amount of time I am spending supporting mum. I visit her usually 4 -5 times each week and spend about an hour with her. This seems quite reasonable to me and it represents a sustainable balance between my work and normal home life. My wife is unfortunately not very supportive and thinks I spend too much time supporting mum.

I was wondering how much time folk typically spend caring for their loved ones? Are your partners supportive or do they also find it difficult?

best regards
Graham

 

[Farmergirl]

I moved mum in with us, as I couldnt justify either the time or money involved in flying to saty for weekends at a time every 2 weeks and spending days at doctors etc.
I now have her constantly and have to actively care/supervise etc for 15 hrs DAILY.
We pay for a carer to come in twice a week for 4 hrs to get a break.

 

[Jo1958]

Graham, hello and welcome to Talking Point
You are doing a good job of looking after your mum and I'm so sorry that your partner isn't supporting you with your responsibilities. Can you go together to visit your mum maybe for one of the visits then they will get an idea of what you are doing and how important it is both to you and your mum. Her care needs will increase and it would be good if you and your partner could share so that one or the other or both of you are involved.

If you are going to be there for the long term this is a good starting point to get things talked through and understood within the family.

Have you got Power of Attorney sorted out for your mum, if she is able to understand and sign the forms it's a good thing to do and can help to focus your minds on what decisions need to be made now and what your mum's wishes are for the future.

I care for my husband 24/7, well 163 hours a week with 5 sitter hours.

Welcome and I look forward to hearing how it goes and to seeing you around the site.
With best wishes from Jo

 

[shropshirebadge]

Hi Graham

It is a year to the day that my Mum had a stroke, leaving her with VD and disphasia, but physically pretty sound. My partner and I were living with Mum when it happened, and are her carers 24:7. She is asleep as I type this - giving me a little peace for once - she usually follows me around all day wanting attention. It's v difficult as I don't understand the majority of what she says, which gets her frustrated, but her memory is such that she soon forgets her angst until the next time!!! Anyway - I agree with Jo1958 about getting your Mother to agree to POA before her mental state deteriorates anymore, if you've not already done so. After Mum had been diagnosed with VD, my elder sister applied to the court of protection to be her deputy - a very long winded and tricky procedure that took about 6 months to secure. Mum is only 79 and was actively farming with contractors before this happened - so not having access to funds to pay bills for seed, fertilisers, contractors etc. stretched us all to the limit financially, but we had wanted to get proper permissions etc. to access her accounts. It's weird that both my brother in laws had secured POA from their parents but never thought to suggest it for their MIL.

I know it's different for me as I actually live with Mum, so it was pretty natural that I should be the primary carer - just as well as my sisters have busy lives and don't really want to be that involved. I wish your partner would be more supportive, perhaps it's just a natural jealousy that you spend regualr time with someone else and she doesn't realise that it's a labour of love and a strain.

Anyway - best of luck.

 

[Coletta]

Hello Graham,

You are doing a good job and I agree with Jo in trying to get your wife to be more supportive. Also in getting the POA sorted soon, it will save you a lot of time and problems in the future.

We moved in together with MIL 10years ago, I look after her 24/7 and the only time Im not caring for her is when she is asleep. (she is blind as well and wants me there with her constantly) Since starting this email I have been called about 30 times I guess. It's because 'they' are calling me (only she is) and I had better go and deal with' them'.
I think 4 - 5 times a week for an hour if you can manage it, is good support and not too much. Wouldn't your wife like your children to come and visit as often when she gets old? Its good to be generous with your time.

Love and best wishes
Coletta

 

[rev]

Hi. I've had similar problems with my husband not being as supportive as I think he should be. A large part of it is that he doesn't understand or maybe doesn't want to understand what my Dads illness is about but also I thought that he just didn't want me to spend so much time with my family. I've gradually come to realise that one of the main reasons why my husband is like this is that it's his cack handed way of trying to look after me & make sure that I'm alright. He's worried that the stress of the situation will affect my health and our relationship & as he says, his priority is us not my family, although he would do anything for my Mum.

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Hello Graham, welcome to Talking Point.
I don't think there are any hard and fast rules about how much time people should devote to caring.
You are doing well in supporting your mother the way you do.

I too had a mother with Alzheimers and VD. I used, in the early stages to visit her less frequently than you are doing, because I worked full time and she lived across town, but my input increased as she declined and then the day came when we realised she needed more support than any of us could give and wasn't safe at home.

After she moved to a care home, I think my input actually increased.

It's tough if your wife is feeling you devote too much time with your mother. I wonder if her own mother is alive? Maybe your wife is feeling left out of the attention stakes and you need to make extra efforts to take time out with her.

Do you have any siblings you could share visiting duties with? Are there any of your mum's friends who could be encouraged to visit her?

I hope you find a balance that works in your mum's favour. Kind regards

 

[Sam Iam]

Graham, please as the others have said don't compare with others as what suits One person is to much or to little for another.
Sorry your partner is not supportive.

TP is a good support. Xxxx