Family differences: is it me?

[beena]

Mum has been in care since May and is still constantly asking when she's going home. It's difficult to deal with the constant questioning. Seeing her is not easy.
Some weeks ago there was a social evening for family and friends. I went because I wanted Mum to have someone there - siblings informed but "away" (sister was at home, 4 miles away from CH), brother (seemingly) disinterested.
There's a garden party today and the CH has made a huge effort for it to be bright and happy - I was there yesterday and saw the preparations being made. Told Mum about it, but didn't show any interest. Mum asked about Brother (he last saw her 4 weeks ago ...), saying she hadn't seen him for some time. I dealt with it, making excuses for him ... I told brother and sister about garden party last week, saying I thought it good for Mum to have one of her children there ... sister has gone away so no show, rang brother last night - said he won't be going because he has friends coming for the weekend (couple of hours out of the day? No chance) but will try and go tomorrow ...
I'm so sick of this - I've seen Mum 4 times this week and will go later today after work to make sure she has a family member present.
Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint and certainly don't claim to be the perfect daughter - just a human being with, I hope, some sense of humanity.
I would like an honest response as to whether I'm unreasonable, not one to make me feel better. I need to get it right in my head.

 

[Onlyme]

Dear Beena

You have now joined the group that have 'invisables' for relatives. They know that they would love to see relative, want to go but.... the car broke down, it rained, next door's cat needed feeding etc. The more you push the more they will dig their heals in. For you own sake ignore them and do what you know is right. Its very difficult not to tell your Mum the truth that they really can't find a gap in their lives for their mum but you are going to have to lie through gritted teeth.

 

[Jo1958]

Beena, hi
I think you are being unreasonable in taking responsibility for your siblings, if your mum asks about them then I would ask if she can ring them later, lots of homes are good about telephone calls, I hope that hers is.

If you keep them in touch with events like today's garden party, then forget them, if they turn up then that's a bonus for your mum but shouldn't affect you, or you can just stop telling them and leave the responsilibity to them. If you make their lives too easy then they will relax, as they are now, and not think that it's up to them.

Please try not to be upset about them, you have enough on your plate without it and your life will be easier and happier if you can let them go. I don't mean don't work at your relationships but leave their responsibility for your mum to them.

I hope it's as sunny with you as it is with us for the afternoon party and you all have a lovely time.

Sorry your mum isn't settling but that isn't your responibiity alone either, I hope your visits will be happier when you can leave the others to themselves and enjoy your time together with your lovely mum.
With best wishes from Jo

 

[beena]

Thanks OnlyMe:

Not sure I want to be a member of this club, but I'm preparing my teeth for the longhaul... Thanks ...

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Beena, I think the best you can do is simply inform your brother and sister once of any special events and then you do what you want to do. You are not responsible for their actions. I repeat it over and over but one day, when it's too late, they will regret not visiting your mother more often. But that will not be your problem.

 

[beena]

Hi Jo1958

Thanks for reply: re phone calls, Mum not interested in making phone calls, so that's a no go (!) and others don't ring her (but CH good on calls). Interesting that the CH always inform me of any events, not siblings (although they have their details and numbers) ...
It just seems such an isolating experience for me when in fact there are 3 of us

 

[beena]

Hello Canadian Joanne

Thanks for reply! Yes, I do what I think is right but what if I were not available? Is it unreasonable to expect support for Mum? If no-one were there could I end the day in a happy state?
Sorry - just feeling s----y about this situation: seems all down to me AND YES, youngest child: also feel strongly this could lead to total family breakdown as I'm so p----d off with siblings

 

[littlegem]

Hello beena,

Ignore your siblings, it's a waste of energy wishing that they would visit/help/phone, energy that you need for helping your Mum
Hubby's got 4 sisters and 1 brother and they never come or phone, they apparently cannot face seeing him like he is.
You've obviously got a kind heart and are blessed with compassion.
It is their loss in the end and they will regret acting this way one day.
Hope the garden party is a great success
Take care

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Beena, no it's not unreasonable for you to expect support from your siblings but if you don't receive support from them, you should find alternates. Coming to TP is one way of getting support. Also, going to a support group is very good.

Are you expecting someone to visit your mother every day? I did that at the beginning and I gradually cut back over the years. I didn't have a choice as my sister lives over 300 miles away and her children were only in their teens.

From every day, I started to skip Fridays. Eventually I got down to 5, then 4, then 3 days a week. I stayed at 3 days for a long time until my husband's work shift changed. Now it's usually once or twice a week, depending on circumstances.

But I've been doing this a very long time - over 10 years - so it's quite different for me now. You will reach an equilibrium but since your mother only went into care in May, I feel it will be a while yet for you. I know I took quite a while to adjust.

 

[fredsnail]

I can sympathise - my aunt who lives about 200 miles away has seen Grandad once since last September - and only then because it was his 99th birthday. She complained about having to pay £15 for the Travelodge despite having 3 foreign holidays this year so far.

She's announced that she wants a big family get together for his next birthday - we've tried explaining the fact that he may not be up to it (he was bearly able to understand this year and spent most of the day looking very confused), that he won't remember or have met many of the relatives she's planning to bring down with her.

She still thinks there's nothing wrong with him, that he makes things up because he's bored.

Basically some people just don't want to understand or don't want to think about the fact that their relative is not as they want to remember them, or are just too selfish to have any interruptions in their lives.

 

[chucky]

Fredsnail, If it was me i would organise the party myself and leave her off the guest list!

 

[Goingitalone]

Hi Beena,

Yes, I totally understand where you're coming from. The last 2 years or so I've had the door firmly shut in my face by my sis who over the years has been hours on the phone to me if she ever needed advice etc when her children were ill/had homework etc etc. As soon as I needed her help with Mum she started arguments, was too busy, criticised me-anything, in fact, to distract me from asking for help.

When Mum eventually had to go into a care home she was the first on the phone, giving me grief about the fact that she hadn't seen it, calling me all sorts over my decision. In fact it wasn't my decision in the end but that's another story.

Strangely, she visits now, I don't know how often because she would never let me know when she was going to visit when Mum was at home-'why should she be beholden to me about when she visits her own Mum?'

I was given the same advice as you have been given above and I took it. I avoid phoning sis as much as poss and try to keep any contact brief. Her calls were soul destroying and downright worrying and I could never sleep after one, particularly as they were usually late at night.

You can't make someone visit. They have to live with whatever choices they make.

You sound very tired. It's hard when you're doing it all. I felt like that for so long, hence my user name. I've got to know many of the staff and residents at Mum's home now and I feel a lot more relaxed about visiting.

This week my daughter was taken very ill and we've been so busy helping out that I haven't seen Mum for a whole week. Mum's home is an hour's journey away on public transport so I get to see her about 3 times a week. You may well feel a little more relaxed if you could visit just a little less often. Your Mum is well cared for and it sounds as if the staff are trying to involve her in things. Why not allow yourself a day off, just to be spent on doing something for yourself? A bit of 'me' time is good. It doesn't mean you love your Mum less, but it will help recharge your batteries for future visits.

Eventually your Mum may not miss your siblings as her memory gets worse.

I reckon you're very special to her, though. You are certainly a very kind, loving and caring person and you deserve a little time out for YOU.

Take care, Beena.

Big hugs,

Maggie

 

[lin1]

Hi Beena
I know this hurts you so much but please dont let this eat you up , its really not worth making yourself upset or even ill over it
You know whats right , so do they!! but they choose to be invisible

Im going to be generous here and say maybe in time they will realise but im also going to be ungenerous and say , dont hold your breath

You cannot be responsible for others actions or lack of them
Your also not responsible for holding the family together .

Yes lie through your gritted teeth to your mum , thats the right thing to do for mums sake

Dont feel guilty (know its impossible ) if you cant be there for mum on special events.the staff will understand and do all they can to ensure mum enjoys herself .

You are a lovely caring person with high values, im sad that you have joined the ive got invisibles club , but this clubs members are very caring special group of people

Many yrs ago their was an invisble in our family so I know what its like ((((((hugs))))))

 

[shauna]

Hi Beena

Im the oldest of 4 siblings and have always been the one to take care of mum 's care and all her affairs. I have been through all the same family arguments as you One member in particular visits mum when it suits but to the outside world she is the perfect daughter . She always has an excuse its either work of kids or just too tired.I have given up ringing her as ir always ends in an argument and some very harsh words are spoken
I got myself into such a state and got so stressed that i decided enough is enough. Ive left her to her own devices . In a way i feel sorry for her as she is missing out on so many precious moments with my mum and time is running out but thats her problem.
Take my advice beena and switch off and concentrate on what matters like your mum .
I have and my life is easier it still hurts but im coping and you will too . I know im doing the best for my mum and you are too and we will not have any regrets .

Love Shauna

 

[workerbee]

Hi Beena

You are so, so not alone, as I am sure if you have read any of the 'invisibles' threads you will be discovering! It's not such a great 'club' to be a member of is it?, feels very lonely and isolating. I am having a very hard time coming to terms with my brother's invisible status so I know just where you are coming from. That said, you will get some great support here on TP.

I would agree that you will in time come to a natural level of visiting your mum that you can accommodate. I really don't think it is for you to effectively fill in for your siblings all of the time. Sounds like any phone communication is becoming difficult with them so perhaps send each a reminder as to the visiting times at the home with a schedule of events and a note of when you think it likely you will be visiting, ie Mondays and Thursdays and say to them that your mum has been asking after them when you visit. If they retaliate then you may just have to ask them to phone back when they can be civil. It will be guilt talking, but it is not for you to shoulder their guilt. We all have families and lives to fit in, so what makes them so special that they get a pass from visiting when you are able to?

Maybe on the days that you cannot visit then have sent in a pretty card or some photos of the children or something by post to decorate her room. It will be quite an event I should imagine for the staff to bring your mum a lovely envelope. They could help her open it and have a chat about what it says. Just a thought.

Wishing you all the very best. workerbee xx

 

[itsmeagain]

Hi Jo1958

Thanks for reply: re phone calls, Mum not interested in making phone calls, so that's a no go (!) and others don't ring her (but CH good on calls). Interesting that the CH always inform me of any events, not siblings (although they have their details and numbers) ...
It just seems such an isolating experience for me when in fact there are 3 of us

Hello beena.
The home probably see you as "the one who`s interested" and therefore only you get these events mentioned.
It hurts when people are disinterested, but you are doing the right thing. Stay strong, and happy.

 

[itsmeagain]

I can sympathise - my aunt who lives about 200 miles away has seen Grandad once since last September - and only then because it was his 99th birthday. She complained about having to pay £15 for the Travelodge despite having 3 foreign holidays this year so far.

She's announced that she wants a big family get together for his next birthday - we've tried explaining the fact that he may not be up to it (he was bearly able to understand this year and spent most of the day looking very confused), that he won't remember or have met many of the relatives she's planning to bring down with her.

She still thinks there's nothing wrong with him, that he makes things up because he's bored.

Basically some people just don't want to understand or don't want to think about the fact that their relative is not as they want to remember them, or are just too selfish to have any interruptions in their lives.

Fifteen pounds for a travelodge?
Hows that possible??
And anyone claiming he makes up symptoms due to boredom, they say it due to not wishing to face the facts.

 

[flowerpot]

Hi Beena, It's so difficult when others won't visit or help out I should know my SiL should have an oscar for ignorance. As others have said you'll find your own way in dealing with visits. There are plenty of us on here who understand where you're coming from. Be strong and positive. Take care xxx