Today I took him back

[willsar]

Thank you for all your support. Today I took my husband back to the assessment hospital after a week s home leave, some of you know from my last post this has not worked and I have admitted defeat at my inability to deal with his disease, he is to be assessed for a nursing home from there and moved to there. I could not even walk him through the doors of the hospital this afternoon, I was so so broken at my weakness to be able to continue. I hope as I promised him today that their was a future, maybe a different future but something we can draw from. Unfortunately tonight I dont feel anything except heartbreak, betrayal and mourning.

 

[Grannie G]

I`m so sorry. I`m sure it will get better. I hope so.

 

[TinaT]

You sound so heartsick and weary and I'm so very sad for you. Indeed a very, very traumatic experience for both of you. Remember - IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! It's the deal you were both given. When you are ready, I know you will rally round and face the world.

One step in front of the other, day by day and the pain will get less.

xxTinaT

 

[piedwarbler]

You don't sound weak to me and I feel sure you have not betrayed him. On the contrary, you sound devoted but pushed beyond what is humanly possible to achieve in single handed care. Don't let the guilt monster in, you have done your best and more.
Very kind regards ,

 

[elaine n]

I don't think you're weak, I think you've done the very best you can and that's all we can all hope to do. When your husband goes into care you'll have the strain of caring taken away, which is a good thing, then you can enjoy the time you spend with him, quality time which can only benefit you both. Please don't beat yourself up about this, easy to say and hard to do I know. xxxxxxxxe

 

[willsar]

Thank you Grannie G and Tina T, I know you are both such strong people with what you have both endured and I hope I can draw strength from you and what this disease has to teach. I have to confess I always thought I was a strong person, these last few months have taught me, my husbands gift was that he stood by me and made me think I was strong, now I know im not. He was my rock.

 

[ellejay]

You are doing what is needed. You need to look after yourself so you can look after your husband. You WILL still be caring for him, you will just have some help.

Be kind to yourself . Lin x

 

[Grannie G]

We are all stronger as a good and valuable partnership willsar and the strength of two is missed deeply as we learn to stand alone. It`s a tough lesson.

 

[TinaT]

Hiow much alike we both are!! If you look through the very early posts I made on TP, I'm sure you will recognise the feelings which are so similar to your own. The song by Bet Middler 'Wind beneath my wings' says it all for me.

I got rid of my anger by writing a poem:

Rage
________________________________________
I’m in shock, in a whirl, a state of disbelief
That this terrible thing has caused us such grief
It’s a robber, a thug and a demonic thief
Robbing our future and smashing our peace.

In such a short time it has destroyed our life
Leaving me a widow and yet still a wife
A man cleaved apart by dementia’s knife
And I left alone with my guilt and my grief.


As you can see, I was very angry and very bereft at that time.

I hope that you have a good friend at the end of the telephone. You need to pour out your grief, anger and bewilderment.

xxTinaT

 

[Loopiloo]

Willstar, I have just posted a response on your other threat ' I Know They Are Right...' empathising with you, my husband having gone into care five weeks ago, so I wont repeat it here.

Tina's poem says it all.

I must read back to your earlier posts, Tina. You give me hope, as I said in my other post, and I wish that for willstar also.

Loo xx

 

[piedwarbler]

Sometimes when you feel weak it is because you are having to be your very strongest and the strain it places on you makes you feel weak. But it doesn't mean you are weak. Far from it. You are being tested like no other time in your life. Some people are fortunate never to face what you're facing right now.
I think Tina is absolutely right in what she says. X

 

[willsar]

Thank you all, I know Im not alone in feeling like this as this disease takes our loved ones. I have written many a miserable rambling notes to try and vent my fear anger and all those feelings that eat you up. I take heart from all you say to me and know I will sort myself out.

 

[Jo1958]

Willsar, hello
Thinking of you today and sending virtual support and understanding, take good care of yourself, with kind regards from Jo