Hi, im in the same position as you, dad with dementia, mum had a stroke. She was the exact same, years of past resentment boiled over into an ultimatum from her. If dad was brought back to the home she would kill herself. I told her to stop being so melodramatic, my dad had every right to be brought home. She made his (and my) life a misery and even tried concocting stories of things he did/said or whatever. I got constant phonecalls from her hes done/this/that/whatever. To be honest mum was the worst of the two to look after. I got a final ultimatum one day that a home was the only answer. Fed up to the back teeth, i told mum i agreed only i was putting HER in the home not him, because she had the biggest problem with it. She stopped her complaining after that. I wouldnt remove dads things and put him into care until youve found somewhere suitable and are happy with it whether it means mum staying in hospital longer or not. Why is she the one who youve to side with because ultimately thats what shes asking you to do. Has she organised care for herself? Does she realise how hard its going to be for the person who has to look after her? Does she expect you to do it? She thinks the answer lies in your dad being removed from the home but its not going to be thats easy. It wont be the end of her problems, instead she'll be passing her problems on to you. If she doesnt want to care for dad, why does she think anyone will want to care for her. Its two sides of the one coin. My mum thought her life would be wonderful after dad went into care eventually, the reality is she has no quality of life whatsoever, shes alone all day and night, cant do anything for herself and sits in a chair all day till carers come in and put her to bed and is lonely and miserable. I had to tell her straight, she got what she wanted. An ultimatum to remove dad before she comes home isnt fair on you either. You shouldnt have to be piggy in the middle, i think its time to sit down with your mum and tell her things will have to change but removing your dad to somewhere before your ready isnt an option. She will have to deal with it until youve had time to explore all avenues and find a place that your dad will be happy in and that you feel is adequate for his needs. It takes time to organise this, and if youre lucky enough to find a good place, theres finance, funding and all sorts to work out before he can be admitted. I dont think your mums being fair putting all this on you. If she cant deal with him still being in the house, maybe putting her into respite would be a better idea until its all sorted. Time for tough love im afraid, its not easy, but you have to look at this from both sides, otherwise if you make the wrong decision, its you that will feel guilty and that the last thing you want. This illness is so cruel to sufferer and carer alike, and sadly things do get worse as time goes on, thats why you need to be absolutely certain youve made the right choices. i wish you well x
