Bring me my life back...PLEASE

[beena]

Mum low in CH: sis talking about taking Mum back to her home 24/7 but: sis away last week (tues-sun) and away again this week (fri-sun): bro visited CH 3 times in 7 weeks: guess who would be expected to be there to do it all, or am I wrong? (yes, I also have work to do)
SO difficult in that it seems one of two things will happen: either Mum is happy at home and we (for that, read ME) lose our life OR Mum is not happy at CH but we (that is, me) are happy (for that I suppose I mean we have something resembling a life of our own at times)
If this makes me sound cold and harsh, so be it: I'm tired of being tired, unhappy at being unhappy, upset at being upset, distressed at being distressed...
Spoke about this to sis and bro: sis says I need mental help (! - look at whole picture); told bro holds phone against his ear because doesn't wan't to hear what I say...
Totally fed up: my Mum has 3 children, not 1 ...)

 

[Sue J]

Hi Beena

Sorry it's still so tough and your Mum is unhappy. But from what I've read in other posts she isn't happy most of the time even at home? and I don't think you can take much more nor should you. It is still early days re. the home and I think a move again might upset her more and you can't cope with it. I understand your exahustion emotional and physical you need to be a bit selfish right now.

Take care
Sue

 

[beena]

Thanks for the reply Sue: reason has no place in this one, does it? The whole situation seems insurmountable right now...

 

[Sue J]

Thanks for the reply Sue: reason has no place in this one, does it? The whole situation seems insurmountable right now...

Reason - what is that? Are you still visiting as frequently as you were?

 

[littlegem]

Hi beena,
No, no no please don't get Mum out of CH.
You cannot and should not be expected to do it.
Your Mum will settle, you need your own space and life, there's NOTHING to feel guilty about.
Forget your relatives, it's your decision for you that matters.
Take care please
xx

 

[KingB]

I honestly believe care home is the best place for her needs to be managed - by staff who have the emotional and physical energy to do the job. They come on shift fresh, and they are trained to deal with dementia issues, and in my experience they tend to be lovely caring people. Please don't give in to pressure - you need to live your life, and that will help you to spend quality visit time with your mum.

 

[ellejay]

Hi Beena,
I know how you feel. My mums been in her CH for almost 3mths and every visit tells us how she hates it.

I know she can't live alone and she REALLY couldn't live with me & my husband.(Before dementia struck she would come to our house for a weeks holiday and usually went home after about 4 days,couldn't stand us any longer )

We've never been close but I still feel guilty as h*** .

Take Care Lin x

 

[lin1]

Dear Beena
Dont let your siblings blackmail you.

You have done your best by your mum, both in the past and now.

stand firm and tell your bro and sis if they want to look after mum full time thats their choice you have done more than your bit.

sorry if that sounds harsh but when I see someone like yourself who has done their level best and then had their nose rubbed in the s..t
it makes my blood boil

 

[Canadian Joanne]

So your sister wants to take your mother out of the care home and back to her (your mother's) own home? If I were you, I would say "Do what you need to do but I cannot go over anymore. I will not do what I did before but you are welcome to do so and I can understand that you would want to take care of Mum as I did before." Make it very clear you will not be participating at all.

But honestly, I think it's a very bad idea to move your mother at this time. She needs more time to settle in.

 

[Skye]

So your sister wants to take your mother out of the care home and back to her (your mother's) own home? If I were you, I would say "Do what you need to do but I cannot go over anymore. I will not do what I did before but you are welcome to do so and I can understand that you would want to take care of Mum as I did before." Make it very clear you will not be participating at all.

But honestly, I think it's a very bad idea to move your mother at this time. She needs more time to settle in.

Totally agree.

Stand firm, beena. If your bro & sis want to do it, the care is on their shoulders.

 

[beena]

Reason - what is that? Are you still visiting as frequently as you were?

I usually go 3 times a week from a quick "drop-in" for 30 mins or so to an hour (saying that, me and M were there for 2 hours as Mum was so low...)
Of course things happen - the week the doctor was called I was there every day (sis and bro were both away...) - I can't bear the thought of the CH calling and there being no reply... It doesn't appear so important an issue to the others, or is that because they know how I am on the matter? Am I too over zealous/should I back away?
There are also social events at the CH: I've been to each one (alone - no sibs - sis was around but ... wanted to try to make Mum feel part of it all) Whatever - all I know is that I have to live with myself and my behaviour when I'm in bed at night... and I feel o.k about that. If I get it wrong, I get it wrong: so be it.
I'm not looking for praise or "good daughter" stuff - just thinking how I would like to be thought of and treated...

 

[Goingitalone]

Hi Beena,

You sound so like me. We have done the bulk of the caring and so feel a special need to reassure ourselves that mum is ok.

It's not a need to do more than anyone else or to be a better carer than anyone else. We just love them and want to do what we feel is best. That way we can sleep at night.

My mum is in a LA care home and many of the staff are on strike tomorrow. I've offered to go visit and help out if needed. Said I'll make the tea, clean up, whatever they want. Most people would probably think I'm mad. But this way I can make sure Mum's ok when there is less than a 'skelton staff'. They said I can be 'support.' I'm guessing health and safety issues mean that I can't be 'hands on' exactly. But I don't mind what I do. I'll just be happy to be there.

They were hard pressed today. Mum wet her chair and no-one came and cleaned it for the whole time I was there (2 hrs). I guess it's holidays as well this time of year. Today was the first time I wasn't offered a drink when tea was made. I don't expect it, they have enough to do and there is a cafe on site if I need a drink. Just making an observation.

But mostly it's impossible to fault the care there.

Now, you may think 2 hrs a long time to stay there with her. But she sleeps so much we'd never get to have a chat and it takes a full hour to get there on the buses and trains.

I wonder how long others stay when they visit? Is it possible to 'outstay one's welcome' at a care home?

 

[dottyd]

my relative isn't happy in CH when we go-but I think most of the time she's pretty much ok.

Sadly she has no choice.

 

[Goingitalone]

How are things today, Beena,

Has sis made the decision to take Mum out of the home and nurse her 24/7 herself? No, I thought not!

How are you feeling yourself? It can be so hard those first few weeks but I hope your Mum is settling better now. Do you have any good visits with her now?

Last week when I was on holiday it all hit me. I wonder if you are feeling low like I was then? It's a sort of grief, isn't it?

I spent that time at Mum's home today. I was there about 3 hours in all. I really enjoyed helping to make the tea and hand round biscuits. I've got to know some of the staff and many of the residents. It was really reassuring to see the staff interacting with the residents. One member of staff came back from annual leave to cover the strike because they were so short-staffed. The dedication of everyone in today has really reassured me.

And everything got done, the residents were totally unaware that there was a problem.

One thing I did learn today was that most people seem to settle eventually. And most of them seemed really contented. It has given me new hope.

Do post soon, Beena, and tell us how you are. I'm concerned about you.

Big hugs,

Maggie