I wish my Grandma didn't live with us

Lisa74

Registered User
May 27, 2011
274
0
Hi,

My grandma has vascular dementia and it's a constant source of stress. She lives with us. She has always been a difficult person- for example she told my parents she wouldn't speak to them if they had another child after my mum had a late term miscarriage, but after two strokes and three heart attacks she is worse. She sets about each day doing things that she 'knows she shouldn't do' in order to get angina- including lifting very heavy baskets of washing (which I have offered to carry), using heavy garden shears etc and I'm okay with that, she needs to have her independence even if it means she gets angina every single day and I just give her a glass of red wine and her GTN spray. But she also gets incredibly angry and tells everyone to go to hell, she refuses to wash her hands when they're disgustingly dirty and makes things very difficult.

Nobody understands in my age-group and I'm so fed up.
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,442
0
Hi Lisa and welcome to Talking Point.

Do you mind if I ask how old you are? You can be vague (teenager, young adult etc) but it might be helpful for us to see where you are coming from.

Unfortunately, as you know only too well, dementia isn't about an older person becoming a trifle vague or forgetful - it can be far more unpleasant than that. What you describe is par for the course, although I would suggest that she isn't doing this deliberately to get angina (even if she says this is the case) but because she doesn't grasp cause and effect. Many people with dementia will prefer to be thought difficult (yes, I know this is bad for me but I am choosing to do it anyway) rather than admit that they simply don't remember that this is bad for them.

Also, unfortunately, having dementia can make a person "more so" if you see what I mean. If they were difficult before they can be more difficult now and so on.

Have you discussed this with your parents? Do you think they are determined to care for her until the bitter end?
 

sussexsue

Registered User
Jun 10, 2009
1,527
0
West Sussex
Do you know what Lisa74, I wish my mum didnt live with us.

However she is my mum and needs care and I am in a position to provide that care for her. However I am in my 50s and my mum is very easy.

I can honestly say if I were younger (and I am presuming you are in your teens) I would hate and resent it. Trouble is you are not meant to say these things even if you feel them. So good on you for saying them here. You probably also feel quite powerless. You think you are wrong for resenting your grandma and probably not getting the support you need from your family as they are also feeling the strain. Do you feel a bit "bottom of the pile" in importance or needs within your family.

There are no easy answers. It is no fun for anyone living with dementia. Do your family know how you feel. Whatever you do dont feel bad about feeling this way, but you do need to find a way to cope with it.

Sorry no practical advice, but many of us use this forum to rant without judgement - and it really helps.

Sue
 

Bookworm

Registered User
Jan 30, 2009
2,580
0
Co. Derry
Hello Lisa

My son feels much as you do about my husband in the house with signs of dementia - he is technically step dad. Of course there are many good times still but the bad times invade the day (actually my son says he has invaded our home) and the atmosphere and a gloomy cloud descends on him (& me) on the way home even though where you have been is great. He spends a lot of time behind headphones and has turned the need for space into a strength developing musical talent e,g. playing, composing, worship leading at church. It could have been writing short stories or graphic design or singing - but he needed to hide for long periods. He too loathes issues related to poor hygiene habits.

I think he has found survival in being able to talk to a few close friends, a few teachers & me, his Mum - I long for him to get away to Uni because he will be free of it. I have watched him closely and I think the closeness he & I share means he is growing up healthy - and he is a great support to me when I get stressed - but if he needed it I would encourage him to take up some counselling.

Two things I would add - my son is a different person for this experience and what it has brought him is not all bad or even mainly bad - he is a special being for coping with it, 2ndly as he has got older he realises he is not alone - other friends have a different form of toxic stuff in their house.....hope this helps.....big hug to you Lisa from a Mum of a teenager, xx

PS - our relationship as Mum & son is better for all this too - we email each other a funny Youtube clip or interesting point from the news - so even though he is still in the house we maintain daily virtual contact for fun & support......& we are Facebook friends too....;)
 

tessadragon

Registered User
Apr 7, 2011
158
0
Surrey
Hi Lisa,
It does royally suck to deal with relatives and watch them change and go worse and worse. It sucks to look at them and wish they weren't there.
Hold close to what you do treasure, what does give you happiness, peace. Vent when you feel the need to, it does help. Talk to the people around you, whether they love you or not, so whether they remember it or not, they still hear you. (I say it in that odd way because I've found my parents, sister and grandmother have all been using me to an extent for the last few years if not most of my life, so I'm getting payback by grumbling to them now.)
I hope you do get some corner of your life to concentrate on yourself and to not let your grandmother intrude, and hope she shows some better colours to you.
Do vent though, I would urge.
Tessa
 

Christin

Registered User
Jun 29, 2009
5,038
0
Somerset
Hello Lisa, welcome to Talking Point.

I am sorry to read that your Grandma has dementia and is causing so much stress in your home. It is incredibly hard, exhausting even, to care for others and I'm sure there are times when many of us feel low and unable to cope.

My FIL lived with us for many years, and it took us some time to understand that many of the things he did and said were caused by dementia. In my own opinion, I think that your grandma may not be deliberately 'doing things she knows she shouldn't do'. In her own mind she may be still be young and able, that applies to me sometimes and I don't have dementia :) Possibly she is doing the things she has always done, like washing and gardening, and in her own way she just carrying on as usual.

It was a very hurtful thing to say to your mother, but again, she probably doesn't even remember now that she said it.

We found that it was impossible to argue or stop my FIL doing what he wanted to do. We could never win, and I suspect that neither can you. We simply brought more stress on ourselves by trying, and we learned quite late to go with the flow rather than against it.

I do agree that you should try to talk to your parents about how feel. And TP is here to listen whenever you have a need too.

There is a link re compassionate communication. Its not always easy to follow all the advice all of the time, but you might find it helps, even just a little bit.:)

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?t=30801&highlight=compassionate+communication

Very best wishes to you xx
 

Lisa74

Registered User
May 27, 2011
274
0
Thank you so much everybody. I think the primary carers of people with dementia are incredibly strong for coping with all the everyday care jobs and the emotional pain.

Jenniferpa: I've discussed it with my parents but they're struggling themselves, especially as mum is at the mercy of gran's tantrums and verbal abuse everyday so I need to be there for them.

Sussexsue: I definitely feel as though I get less time with my mum to go for the occasional coffee or chat but it's mainly the tirades/aggression that are a problem!

Bookworm: your son sounds really strong, I bet you're incredibly proud of him for coping through it all.

Tessadragon: thank you! I speak to my parents when I really struggle. At the moment I am at home with my Gran when my parents are at work (they both work part-time to care for her) and I feel very anxious some of the time because she can flip so quickly from being lovely and talking for 2 hours about her life (stories I've heard over and over but still like hearing) to screaming and throwing!

Thanks Christin, I've given up trying most of the time but when I know she's doing things that might land her in hospital or cause the family to get ill it stresses me out! She is very aware of what she is doing and will say "This is going to cause me anigina and really upset your mum" with a defiant smile but I encourage her to go for walks with her stick, do a bit of gardening etc. because she needds to have a life and I'd love for her to have something to do- see friends but she isn't very coherent now!

Anyway thanks everyone for listening! :)
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,442
0
Lisa - we may not have solutions for you (although if this is impacting the entire family in this way I have to say that many, many posters have found a care home to be the solution), but please feel free to post here whenever you need to let off steam (or at other times in fact :D).

Take care
 

Lisa74

Registered User
May 27, 2011
274
0
Thanks!

Thank you JenniferPa,

I'm not a nasty person really! I do her earrings, hearing aids, sometimes her daily tablet boxes, stop her from little chokes she has some days, get her GTN, help with clothes etc, have long chats (usually one sided tales!) and cups of tea.

I feel sorry for complaining when everyone on these forums has so much to deal with, but there are lots of complicating factors in my family situation too. My parent shave looked after my Gran for 20 years and she's lived with us for 12, but the dementia in the last 4 years has been tough!
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,442
0
I think you're doing very well. I mean it's one thing for your parents to have decided to take this on, but in effect they've made a similar decision for you. Some days will be better than others. I just hope you are managing to have your own life as well (that's what my 80+ year old mother used to say to me "I hope you have a life outside of looking after me") and that's what I pass on to others.
 

patrick2

Registered User
May 29, 2011
3
0
Hi Lisa - I am a Dad and we have had my mother living with us for just 6 months - it is driving me nuts. I think you are a superstar for what you do in really difficult circumstances - as are my two daughters. I wish they did not have to go through this - I wish my Mum was not ill - I wish my life was back to how it was before this dreadful illness - but wishing makes no difference. I have no idea how long we can keep this up - but I have to keep going even though I can see it is difficult for my family, because my Mum has no choices left - we have to be strong for her. Just remember that we are all here rooting for you.
 

Jancis

Registered User
Jun 30, 2010
2,567
0
70
Hampshire
Hi Lisa,
I think you are a superstar too!
Bless you for sharing your thoughts - they are so honest and down to earth. :)
 

Lisa74

Registered User
May 27, 2011
274
0
Thank you Jenniferpa, Patrick and Jancis for all the support!

Patrick, I hope your kids are managing, it's definitely a tough situation. Jancis, I'm sorry if the title is a wee bit too honest, I was having a bad day with my Granny! and Jenniferpa, thank you for the motto, I still have a life definitely, although I sometimes feel less confident because of the situation!

Hope everybody's okay :)
 

Bookworm

Registered User
Jan 30, 2009
2,580
0
Co. Derry
It is lovely to see you returning to post Lisa. This is a good thread - I'm grateful that you started it so I could reflect on how things are for my son & I'm esp. interested to see what Patrick wrote......Thanks Patrick from me too.
 

sussexsue

Registered User
Jun 10, 2009
1,527
0
West Sussex
I'm sorry if the title is a wee bit too honest, I was having a bad day with my Granny!

Actually it is a great title. It just takes one brave person to say the thing we are all feeling and it opens the floodgates. This is the beauty of a forum, you can say things on here that you dont feel able to say to the people closest to you in real life. It is the actual saying of it that sometimes allows us to carry on.
 

Redwitch

Registered User
Mar 24, 2011
566
0
Horsham, West Sussex
Hi Lisa74,

Welcome to TP. I am afraid I am like your parents, we moved with my parents and my 21 year old daughter into a house together back in December 2010, sadly we lost me Dad in January:( Mum is still awaiting her diagnosis (although everyone is pretty sure that it is Dementia, just don't know what type).

I am an only child, so not really any choice in the matter:eek:. I know my daughters sometimes find it really hard especially the younger one who lives at home with us. It is hard sometimes to choose between my Mum and my Daughter, I love them both and am just trying to do the best for everyone:p. I wish she would embrace TP like you have, it does help:). I bet you are a real support to your parents:D:D:D.

Jan
 

Ladywriter1968

Registered User
Oct 2, 2009
438
0
London UK
hi to everyone

Hi,

My grandma has vascular dementia and it's a constant source of stress. She lives with us. She has always been a difficult person- for example she told my parents she wouldn't speak to them if they had another child after my mum had a late term miscarriage, but after two strokes and three heart attacks she is worse. She sets about each day doing things that she 'knows she shouldn't do' in order to get angina- including lifting very heavy baskets of washing (which I have offered to carry), using heavy garden shears etc and I'm okay with that, she needs to have her independence even if it means she gets angina every single day and I just give her a glass of red wine and her GTN spray. But she also gets incredibly angry and tells everyone to go to hell, she refuses to wash her hands when they're disgustingly dirty and makes things very difficult.

Nobody understands in my age-group and I'm so fed up.
Dementia is a bad disease for the person who has it and the people/persons who has to look after person with it. Because it affects their whole life.

My Dad is in a good care home and I am so glad, because there is no way I could cope when he lived in that house alone. Because I have health issues myself and I think I would have been gone first from the stress of it all. I know some do not like to think of placing their parent or grand p in a home, but some times you have no choice if its affecting your own state of mind and health. You are no good to that person if you are getting ill yourself. Plus people in dementia care homes are trained to look after them where as we are not. We try to be, but we dont have the training. I had to fight to get my Dad into a care home, even though he lived alone. He went missing for 8 hours from hospital, then missing from the house. Then he kept falling down the stairs. It got to much on me. I just couldnt cope in the end.

A dementia person becomes the child again. Think of a baby and how it cant do nothing for itself and you have to do everything for it. Its the same with a dementia patient. They dont know they have this because even when told they forget a few minutes later. It attacks part of the cells in the brain and they die. Like our memories dying before our eyes.

You know how one day you may forget something. We all done it. Oh I forgot to pick up that from shop. Or I cant remember quite what I did on that day last week now. Well a dementia person cant remember their past present or anything in the end. It all starts becoming like a stage with the curtain closing down. Thats how my Dad described it. He said, he can think for a while and then the curtain comes down. When he goes to hospital, which is a lot. He has no recall of being there.

Years ago, he had a photographic memory for places and people and events. He was highly intelligent as well. Now he has dementia. Its probably harder for a younger person to understand this illness if they have not been around it. I never really knew about it until my Dad got it, I didnt even know he had it until a couple of his friends warned me really.
 

Lisa74

Registered User
May 27, 2011
274
0
Thanks everyone

Thanks Redwitch, Bookworm, Ladywriter and Sussexsue,

I feel sorry reading how hard it's been/is for everyone, but really glad to be able to discuss this confidentially with people who understand. Ladywriter, I definitely understand what your Dad said about the curtains, my Gran will sometimes forget 15 minutes after telling a story that she has just told it and I have even noticed her creating memories recently- or she'll a story 5 different ways in a single day! I'm really glad your Dad is in a good care home, you're right about choosing the best situation for both the sufferer and family and I do have ocd which can difficult when my Gran is being unhygienic and having issues with bowel continence.

Hi Jan, it must be hard for you, I know how tough it is for my Mum and I'm sure your daughter knows you love her and are struggling, perhaps just make sure she has times when she can discuss big issues that come up with you!
If only my Mum was an only child, my extended family are incredibly difficult (though my Mum is too kind to say so) and make things 10x worse at times, they have no interest in looking after her or even seeing her more than once or twice a year and then treating my parents badly.

Sussexsue, I find it's helpful to just say what it really feels like and then try and think of a practical solution to the actual problem rather than keeping it to myself and then having to stop myself exploding when she's being vile. Like I said she can be lovely and I love her for that!
 
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tessadragon

Registered User
Apr 7, 2011
158
0
Surrey
Hey Lisa, I'm hoping you'll get a nice day today :)
Noting what you said, feeling sorry for everyone's stories, just remember that no matter how bad everyone feels, they get to feel a bit/lot better every time they're able to open up on what they go through, it's why almost all of us tell anecdotes to back up our replies :p
As for also hearing your grandmother's stories until you want to scream, I'd still urge you if they're of perhaps historical interest, to write down what you find out, it can become an interesting project and prompt you to ask questions of your own accord which might really get through to her...my dad and I have been working on my granddad's history (he was a prisoner of war during ww2, captured at St Valerie near Dunkirk and had to work in the mines, and was an engineer, lots of interesting stuff to my family) but we will eventually wish we'd asked more questions (he died a few weekends ago, but it was wonderful to see his medals atop his coffin and really understand the stories behind them.)
:)
Tessadragon
 

Lisa74

Registered User
May 27, 2011
274
0
Thanks Tessa

I will write a little book/journal of her stories! It sounds like your Grandad had really interesting history, and it's something for the family to be proud of! It's weird though when I ask questions, it always come back to the same line of story, even if I try to steer it away and ask something new!

I would show her the journal that I'm going to write but I don't want to deprive her of the joy of telling something that she thinks will be novel and exciting! some of her stories are still interesting, although the names are disappearing and connections between people as well- I think she's surprised when I say 'Oh wait so that was your cousin, not your aunt, it was your Dad's sister's daughter' and she can't fathom where I know that information from!

One thing I've noticed though is that if she tells me about her own mother being nasty to her (she was quite horrible) then it seems to reactivate a sense of being hurt/victimized and so because she gets confused that my Mum is actually her daughter, she will be exceptionally nasty to my Mum, who has always been loving and kind.

Today though I think, she's about to be annoyed with me! She's grumpy and overheard me telling my Dad I was worried about her touching the bird feeder that's covered in bird poo, in case she didn't wash her hands and spread campylobacter (like I say I have ocd so have to decide whether what I'm anxious about is worth fussing over!). If I ask her to wash her hands, she'll tell me to go to hell and then be nasty for a bit! Unfortunately when I whisper to my Dad he speaks loudly back!
 
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