can i leave my mum to go to uni?

[hopefulasever]

As time keeps going by faster I've started to think more about the fact that I'm supposed to be starting university in september. I already took a gap year to be there for my mum before she was diagnosed and I know that if I don't go this september, I will be hit by the massive rise in fees. As my parents are divorced, I really don't want to leave my mum all alone, she's rather secluded from her friends be it from the disease or depression and doesn't often talk to my dad even though he endlessly tries. I know my mum really wants me to go but I'd feel unbearably guilty leaving her, especially as we've always been so close. Furthermore, her consultant said her life expectancy was only four more years, and as I'm going to study languages part of my course involves a year abroad..so I'd miss her remaining time alive.
I really don't know what to do I love my mum more than anything

 

[lin1]

Hello
Its not an easy decision for you to make, which ever you choose you will have some regrets .

Your mum wants you to continue your studies and you so obviously want to be close to your mum .
Are you able to talk this over with your dad .

I believe many here would say continue your studies ,which I think you should do BUT
in all honestly if I were you I dont know what I would do

Sorry not much help to you .

 

[jenniferpa]

My feeling is go. You know that's what your mother would want you to do. There are weekends and holidays and while I don't know where you are going nowhere is really far away from anywhere. Finally life expectancy is never very certain - you've been told 4 years, while it might be longer or it might be shorter.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Hopeful

Is there any possibility you could compromise by changing your university to enable you to live at home. Then you would only have your year abroad to think about and you might be able to get some help for your mother then.
That is only if it is what you want to do, and I`m well aware it would affect your studies and time at university.
Please don`t feel duty bound to do this, I am just offering an alternative in case you are thinking of abandoning thoughts of university altogether.

 

[sistermillicent]

Contact your university, your county council, (I know they don't do the loans any more, but give it a go) and explain the situation to them, there are sometimes, just sometimes discretionary grants and things that may help.

I don't think it is a good idea to put off the going to uni thing, you may find you are putting it off for years and years. Are you going far away? you may well be able to come home every weekend. What language are you studying? My daughter did french and german and had a wonderful time at Vienna university for a year, which gave her the long vacations to spend at home had she wanted to, so you don't have to spend the entire year away. And her german is brilliant from that time, it was very intensive.

You should definitely contact the university and explain to them what is happening, (I expect you already have). I can't promise but I know some are more than helpful to students with these issues, my other daughter's friend has just been able to take a long time off because her mum is dying.

If you have enough money and can get home regularly, let's say every weekend would that be helpful?

This isn't going to be an easy decision for you, but as a mum I know what I would want my children to do. As a daughter I know how hard this would be.

with love Pippa xx

 

[Christin]

Hello Hopefulasever, I am so sorry to read about your mum. This is such a difficult decision for you.

I think that if I were in your mum's place I would still want my children to follow their own path. To be honest uni sessions are often not that long, and if you can be home in the holidays, or even weekends, you may find that you are home more than you imagine

If you are planning to be abroad later on, these shorter sessions might help you and your mum plan for the longer period away from home.

Has your mum had a community care assessment? There is a factsheet about these for more information. You may find that your local AS has some schemes that could help provide some additional friendship for your mum.

In the end, of course, it has to be your decision. You are bound to feel some guilt, as will your mum if you don't go.

I agree you should contact the university and let them know what is happening, and how difficult this is for you. Ask what would happen if you went for one year, and then wanted to take a year out.

Best wishes and very good luck to you. Please let us know how you get on xx

 

[arteangel]

Hi, just to let you know that my situation is reveresed, I am the mum with the illness at 49, and my 17 year old wants to finish her final college year here in spain, and then hgo to uni here in spain as well,. I unfortunately will have to go back to the uk and leave here here alone, without family ect...As a mum, i feel gobsmacked that i have to make this descision, however although she is absolutely beroken hearted that i havwe to leave, I have encouraged her to follow her path and to copntinue on, it is only 2.5hr on a plane afterall.

You have received lots os advice, and i too think you should be brave and continue with your studies...

in love and light

 

[Worried Milly]

Something similar

My husband is progressing with the disease and two of our children have had the last three years finishing their uni time. They too wanted to leave uni and be at home for some quality time before they 'lost' him and even now he cannot remember their names - but when he sees them his face just lights up and the love he feels is so obvious.

He would always want them to have their own lives and careers - all of us parents would - please consider going to uni. In that way you will be able to live your own life in the future and not be so seriously in debt.

Speak to the social services about help for your Mum. Get them to send carers in so that she is not alone and you do not have to spend your time worrying too much. Call them - they can be really helpful. Have a face to face chat with them and explain.

All fingers crossed you find the strength and whilst you will beat yourself up over your decision, don't be too harsh on yourself please.

Mxx

 

[Epictetus1939]

Can i leave Mum

You can and you should.
I have had responsibility for 3 highly dependent relatives in my life and my philosophy has always been to spend my time and effort organizing other people and services rather than direct care by myself.
Honestly, it works. The dependent relatives are all as happy as they could possibly be and they are well supported. I can enjoy time with them without stress. Of course it takes a long time to set everything up and there are crises a the early stages. You will become an expert in care services, benefits etc. Social services will do their job if you are sufficiently assertive and creative.
Don,t even think about missing out on your uni course and indeed possibly the best years of your life.
Brian

 

[nightowl]

I'm probably a lot older and I lost my mum a month ago, but I had the opportunity to pick up my life and retrain at 49 - within walking distance of home, as it happened. My family were all for it, but my mother needed an operation (which was the start of the dementia but we didn't know it then)and another student on the course (we were all older) said it is not the job of the young to look after the old. I was so angry and thought her quite heartless. It was five years before I did the second year of my course, missing all sorts of opportnities, and even that course wass difficult - it wasn't the content, it was trying to do the paperwork at home. Another five years later and mum moved in here permanently. I had two hours work a day if I was lucky and that was my only escape. I felt like a prisoner in my own home. I'm 59 now and I wish that I'd done things differently - if I could have.

I wish that I'd known what was coming - no-one mentioned dementia until I worked it out last summer and asked for a diagnosis.

I wish that I had refused to take mum in and looked for residential accommodation instead. Wishful thinking, I wouldn't have done it, but I should have done it. Mum would have had company and I could have spent quality time with her. If I was a man (with apologies to men everywhere) I would have done it because I would have given the need to earn a living and support my family a higher priority, but knew that we could just about manage on my husband's income and some part time income of my own.

All I can say is, it is probably better to start your studies and then have to take a year out than not to start them at all. And if my mother had realised, outside of her dementia, as a normal person, how much her illness affected me, she would have been so unhappy. GPs and Social Services can do a lot, but only - in my experience - when the need is perceived as critical. Whilst I was living in my own home and mum was living with me the social services said that it would never be critical until I reached the stage where I could no longer have her living with me.As your mum would need more help if you are away, it is possible (I hope) that she would get the help that she needs.

I know you miss her so much. In the end I hated my demented mother but I still loved my mother, if that makes sense, but you can't always put your own life on hold, either. Not always.

 

[katherine]

You have to go to uni. You must. Try to organise support for your mum for when you're not around, but go go go go go.........

 

[Kastoff]

Hi hopefulasever,

Thanks for posting. I think the people who have posted before me have given really good and thoughtful advice. My advice is pretty much the same to you, is to go for it - you have your life to lead, and weekends will always be there for you to go back and forth for visits. I know it's very, very hard but i'm sure your mum would have put you first above anything else.

Hope this helps

Kathryn

 

[Lisa74]

Leave of absence to avoid the fees?

One option might be to start your course in September and complete first year, then take a leave of absence on caring grounds (universities have to make provision for these) next year or the year after? or even start for a semester this year and then take a leave? xx

 

[mi mi]

Thinking of the difficult decision you will be making

Recently my mother was diagnosed with dementia, she had been acting uncharacteristically for over two years since her mother had passed away.In hindsight she had been deteriorating before that time but we put it down to a number of health problems,depression and worrying too much about the rest of the family.
I don't know how old you are, but I guess from the fact that you are about to embark on higher education that you must be 18 or 19.I am 37 now and have been my mother's emotional crutch since I was a little girl.My father was violent, she was controlled and frightened.I encouraged her to leave him with my younger sisters when I was almost 18 and then went to Uni.Leaving them was a difficult decision as I had always been the strong one taking care of things, I went to college completed my degree going home as much as I could on the phone dealing with problems and travelling hours home of the train/bus to deal with their worries.But I needed to fulfill my potential, I needed to grow into the person that could make things better for them for the future.Better for my future.
I gained my degree with honours, and that has enabled me to academically and finacially benefit my family, my sisters and mother.Two and a half years ago my mother was struggling to manage in her own home, she now lives in my family home with my husband and our two children.She has moderate dementia and some days are easier than others.
I feel for you, like me you obviously adore your mother.What I will say to you is that your mother will love you unconditionally and will want the best for you.Make her proud, undertake your education,you can still be a big part of her life.Strive to be the best person that you can be, as a mother and a daughter who understands this condition and your dilema and devotion..........if she could she would tell you to reach your potential with her love and blessing.After all wherever either of you are you will always be in each others hearts.Good luck love Mi Mi xx

 

[hopefulasever]

Hi,
thank you to everyone who has replied and given me advice . I am going to go leave for university next week and am hoping that all will be ok - a bit worried about staying in touch as my mum's lost her mobile, can't really work a computer and has bad hearing so doesn't often hear the home phone .
I'm more worried about the year and a half I have to spend abroad as part of my degree, I really hope there's a way I can get out of it but not sure there is

 

[Christin]

Hello Hopefulasever, thank you for your update

Well done to you and very best wishes to you!

x

 

[nicoise]

Dear Hopeful,

Good luck on starting Uni, and having made a good decision.

Don't spend too much time worrying about how the overseas placement will work - life has a funny way of making decisions for us, and events over time will probably show you a clearer path in how to deal with the problems as they are at the time.

Please do stay in touch and let us know how you are getting on, and ask away should you like any support or help with future decisions.

Enjoy the good bits! (and remember to take some vitamins during Freshers Week )