depression, guilt and sadness

[stikwik]

depression, guilt and sadness- these are all things that i've been trying to stave off, but they keep on coming knocking at my door.

up to now, i've been so busy with coping with living with this illness, and now steve's been in a home for 7 weeks and has had various issues to cope with, that i think the full extent has never hit home. but now it is doing, and i'm scared. i'm so used to coping with things, and carrying on regardless, now it's like there's time to think and feel more, and it's harder to cope with than the actual illness at times.

i still well remember those days when he was at home (it's still hard to think of in the past tense), and could never go back to them. so supposedly i am better off. but this grief i'm feeling, and more to the point know steve is feeling, is so hard to bear.

i just want people who have been through this to help me know that it does pass because however hard i try and convince myself, my head just won't believe it. the only release i can imagine is when he passes, because then his suffering will have stopped and i will only have my own grief to think about. he seems to have retained some memory skills at knowing how often i've visited, and asks why he is there and not with me. but i can't explain why in full detail as it would cripple him. it's just so awful. i couldn't hold back the tears on my visit yesterday and felt terrible at giving him that to deal with.

i hope this post makes sense as i feel all jumbled up but wanted to post before i went to work so i could look forward to hopefully seeing some replies later. it's all i can do to get out today and hoped that by taking a positive step towards helping myself, would boost me.

thank you for listening.

 

[Logan]

Hello Nikola, I have not been in your position, but do have some of the feelings which you are experience although not so far down the line as you are. I am sure that there will be messages for you when you arrive home this evening. I hope that your day will ease for you and that being with other people at work will help. These are early days for you and for Steve to adjust to a new way of living. Do be gentle with yourself and I send you love and kindly thoughts. Lx

 

[imac.girll1]

I too, Nicola, have recently put my mother into a care home recently(end of January), AND like your self have found in the last couple of weeks that i have completely fallen apart. I also had a terrible visit to my mother last Tuesday where i too could not contain the tears from flowing.

Sadness, guilt and to an extent relief. My health has suffered greatly over the years of care for both my father (Alzheimers and early Lewy Bodys) and mother (VascD), so i can fully understand where you are coming from.

Sadly it is a day to day experience and of getting up and getting on, but so much easier said than done.

I can not give advice but only to let you know that you are not alone, and others are going through very similar situations.

Sending you hugs and strength.

x

 

[grobertson62]

Hi Nicola
me too

my dad was admitted to a nursing home on 14.3.11 & since his fall in January I have been kept busy with sorting things out
financial & practical
now I have run out of things to do for now & this morning I went to pieces, It has caught up with me big style so now I am off work for 2 weeks

So I appreciate how you must be feeling
So here is a hug from me

Gill

 

[xanadu777]

Speaking personally it does eventually get easier but guilt and grief are always present. You think you might be getting over the apartness only to find that a memory or something bought together in the past brings it all back in a rush. Hopefully as you continue to recharge your emotional batteries you will be able to cope at least a little better. Keep posting as it really does help.

 

[shauna]

Hi Nicola,
I too am in the same situation as you .My mum has been in a nursing home for nearly 4 weeks. Im finding it very hard to cope I feel so guilty and very lonely without her and find it hard to hold back the tears each time i leave her after a visit. I can only hope that one day this unbearable pain in my heart will stop.Hope you had a good day today. There are others on here in the same position so keep posting it will help you get through .

Im sending you lots of hugs .

Shauna xx

 

[Nan2seven]

Dear Nikola,

Depression and sadness are allowed - but not guilt. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for.

There is quite a little group of us all going through what you are experiencing - but we are so much older than you and I am so very sorry you are having to experience this at such a young age.

Sylvia (Grannie G) posted up a message on my thread, "Not so much a blog, more thoughts and feelings", at no. 106 on the 7th May, and I have found this very comforting in its way. (I have made a copy of it and it is taped up in the kitchen.)

I do hope that the replies you find when you get home from work will be helpful to you.

Thinking of you and sending love,
Nan XXX

 

[Lizzie Drippin]

Hi Nikola My thoughts are with you.Mum went into ch last week and i too feel lost and sad etc.I am sure all the TPs will help you through this. Lots of hugs xx Karen

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Nikola

How long have you been a sole carer?

Try to remember how exhausted you were, how many sleep disturbed nights you had, how many demands were on your time and your emotions. You are rested now and yes, there is time to think and feel more but please don't feel guilt, you have done as much as you possibly could.

Sadness is allowed. The absence of Steve from your home will have left a big space, a massive hole and it's a tall order to come to terms with. I still feel the sadness 17 months on, I won't pretend it's easy. But I will have to learn to live with it as there is no alternative.

I do hope it will get easier for you Nikola.

 

[stikwik]

wow

it really is true, when you hear of others going through just the same as you, it is such a comfort, in a contorted kind of way. it doesn't feel right to think at least others feel the same, but i know you'll know what i mean by that. so thank you for your replies.

i was unable to see steve yesterday due to work and an evening support group i attend twice a month, so am going this lunchtime to help him with his dinner. i'm looking forward to going, as i always miss him when i don't see him, but i really hope it's an easier visit than the last two.

the guilt i feel, which is probably the same for others, isn't about guilt for putting him in there as i know, there was no other choice. but it's guilt that he doesn't understand, so maybe guilt isn't the right word, but i don't know what is. he is thinking that he is married to me so why aren't we together, and i can't explain to him how ill he is, as he doesn't believe it. but i also know that he was suffering at home feeling like things weren't right and i could never understand what he was saying, so felt bad then too. but knowing that staff don't feel the same level of duty of care as a wife, (and can't), means i feel bad that they won't spend the hours i used to at least trying to understand, as i used to like to give him the illusion he was understood. i know i absolutely hate it when people don't understand me.

but i know all this analysing is futile. it's not known as a cruel illness for nothing. it's just the nature of the beast. i just pray for it to be over sooner rather than later for his benefit primarily, and then mine too. i have kept a blog on all this - if anyone was interested, pm me, and i will give you the link. likewise if you have one on this subject, tp or elsewhere, i would be very interested. relevant threads links too.

thank you everyone, once again. x