A rough day A rough week

[grobertson62]

A rough day a rough week
thought I was coping with dad having recently been admitted to a nursing home


this weekend we have had to empty his house of all his possessions

I couldn't leave it empty so the decision has been made to rent it out.

why then do I feel like I am doing this behind his back?
I can't tell him as I don't think he would understand & if he did I am sure he would hate me

it is hard to see that his life is in a skip, bags for the charity shop or boxes to go in my attic

Would be interested in hearing how others have coped/handled this situation

Gill

 

[cragmaid]

Gill, I can only offer sympathy, because you are having to do this out of the normal order of parent dying, family clearing out the property. If your Dad had insight he'd would be pleased that you are able to do this for him. Maureen.x.

 

[chucky]

Hi, i think youve been very brave, i havent had the courage to do it and my dads been in care for 3 years. I know i'm going to have to at some point, but at this time i have my head stuck firmly in the sand. You shouldnt feel guilty, its a job we all have to face eventually, myself included.x

 

[Christin]

Hello Gill, I remember how hard it was sorting through my mum's things. Although she had already sorted through a lot herself there were still letters and things that I didn't want to pry into. It was so hard. We did let her grandchildren choose somethings that they might like to keep, a lot went into boxes in lofts etc. The rest we gave to charity shops and church sales, places that she would have approved of. I was lucky in that one of her best friends came to help me and gave me a hug and a cup of tea every morning when she arrived. I hope someone is giving you a hug. Here's one from me xx

 

[sistermillicent]

I have not done exactly this but have had to help Dad to clear his house of 43 years worth of stuff when he and mum moved last year. I felt as if I was doing this behind mum's back and that she would have just hated it. However, I managed it as I did actually know the history of a lot of the stuff, and so knew what was to be kept. Everything else other than junk I took home with me, believe me that was several car loads. I then gave most of it to charity shops.
The rest went in a skip.

Two of my friends lost parents last year and at new year we were talking about just this. One of them said that at the end of her own life she had come to realise that all her possessions would be sorted into "keep, charity shop, skip" and that this has made her change her attitude to those possessions. Her attitude now is not to worry about them.

I don't know if this helps, but it is a true experience. Since that discussion I don't fuss about posessions, I enjoy them but I know it's all about people for me.

I think you have saved your dad from doing a very difficult job, and you should be proud of yourself.

Love Pippa

 

[littlegem]

Hello Gill,

I am in the process of doing the clearing out and hubby is still at home.
41 years of marriage going to the charity shop because we are having to move to sheltered accomodation. Doing it behind hubby's back as well as he would argue about everything.
It's not easy but they are only possessions, memories are still with me, not sure how much hubby remembers though.
The lady in the charity shop is over the moon and it's for a childrens charity so someone is benefitting.
wishing you well
xx

 

[Jancis]

Hi Gill, I think I know how you are feeling.
I didn't have to clear my relative's house because he has a solicitor acting as his financial Deputy. I have been allowed to visit and take anything considered to be of no material value - like photos and personal stuff. I was also allowed to choose some things to furnish the room he has in the nursing home. I found the experience dreadfully sad, and I also felt as if I was trespassing. The rooms are damp and dead - it's a haunted atmosphere. He still believes he will go back home one day to carry on with his life and he has no notion that his beloved house will soon be sold to pay for his care. He has always loved his home and his "things" - his life was reflected in his antiques, pictures and other ephemera. Some would say that he cannot grieve as he is oblivious to his loss but I felt tremendous grief on his behalf.

 

[shauna]

Hi Gill
I too am going through the same thing My mum is in a nursing home for the last three weeks and prior to that she was in hospital for 6 weeks.I have no choice but to rent the house and i am in the middle of clearing her possesions , Its an awfull feeling and i feel so guilty going through her things and filling bags for charity shops.I haven't told my mum as she suffers with dementia and can be lucid some days and i think it would upset her too much. She still asks to come home when i visit and this breaks my heart knowing what i am doing without her approval.I have some very happy chilhood memories of this house and it makes me feel so sad that my mum is no longer there sitting in her armchair with a beautifull smile on her face when i walk in .Dementia is so cruel to all of us.

Shauna

 

[nocturne]

Hi, Gill,
I am clearing Mum's house for sale and finding it very hard. There is much I would like to keep but I just don't have the space. Mum was a dreadful hoarder and it has made me resolve to have a big clear out of my own house once i have finished in hers. The strange things she kept and the care she took that they would not be damaged or stolen after the dementia set in, have given me a mixture of laughs and tears. Tears because it reminds me of what has happened to her but more laughs because she would have laughed at herself if she still had the capacity.
The thing that helps me most is knowing that most of the things mum used to value now hold little meaning for her. Because of this, their departure to charity shop or skip cannot hurt her. I am packing up a part of my life too which is painful but if I can see it that way it eases the sense of guilt.
The thing your Dad still needs is not his house or his possessions but YOU. Whilst you are still there for him the rest matters not a bit. You are doing a great job.
Jan

 

[sunray]

done that

When I cleared Mum's house out as it had to be sold to pay for her care I invited all the grandchildren to come and take what they wanted. I had sorted out paperwork etc first (crying as I did so) so there was furniture and contents, most of which went out the door. My sister who had said she wanted "nothing" also came and got a carload. So little had to be thrown away.

When I think back to that time it still makes me sad so I know what you are going through.

In Mum's case all she needs at the end of her life is her clothes, a bed and a chair. She is well looked after and I visit her three times a week.

It has reminded me to enjoy what I have while I still have it.

Sue.

 

[grobertson62]

Thank you every one

Its good to know that others are feeling the same

we seem to encounter things on a daily basis that no one talks about when it comes to dealing with dementia

programmes on TV all seem to discuss what its like dealing with the person with dementia but never seem to cover off what it is like for the loved ones
What its like dealing with the paperwork. bureaucracy, social services, finances, the practical stuff. choosing a care home etc etc

the emotions of feeling bereaved

If nothing else this journey is teaching me patience, humility,not to hoard stuff, ( best clear out the loft now)value the relationships I am building on this site & great respect for the carers in dads nursing home. they have such a hard job


but most of all be kind to my son as he is likely to choose my Nursing home!!

So once again thank you for sharing

 

[Dottie]

Hi Gill,

Completely agree with all that you say in your last post & understand how you feel in your first post.

Am clearing my Mum's house at the moment ready for sale, it's my childhood home & I am finding the whole process a nightmare. Have had to let go of my Mum to dementia & now I have to let go of the home I grew up in & chuck or give to charity all the childhood things that were kept & stored away by my parents, as well as all my parents' possessions which have memories for me.

It really helps knowing that others are going through this too, as at times I really find it hard to deal with.

Thinking of you Gill,

Love Dottie xx

 

[Jancis]

Freecycling items rather than disposing of them

Dear Gill and all who have responded to you....
You have inspired me to start a new thread regarding a possible way of finding new homes for some of your relative's things.... I'll post my idea in the Tea Room section of this forum.
Best wishes
Jancis x

 

[littlebrownbird]

After reading your post I am definately going to start getting rid of stuff we don't use. I often think how hard it will be for our children to sort everything out as my hubby is a hoarder while I am a collector-there is a difference!
I hope this helps.
My father-in-law had to move from his home of 60 years into sheltered accomodation as he was having falls and blackouts He didn't want to go and it took some persuasion on our part. He loved it once he was there but it was obviously a lot smaller than his old home. When it came to deciding what he wanted to keep he was quite happy to get rid of most of his belongings. I am not sure it would have been the same if we had had to move his mum though!
A while ago I decided not to keep things for best but to enjoy them everyday so now I am using some of my Mums favourite things instead of keeping them safely put away. I am sure she would approve and I think of her every time I use her favourite mug- and the grandchildren think I am really posh when I get out the tiered cake plates.
So take the boxes out of your attic and enjoy your memories. Thats all we have left of the person they really are after all.

 

[lemoncrunch]

I had to do this twice. The first time was when my mum moved into a retirement flat, but she could take a lot of stuff with her and the second was when she moved into the care home. It was definitely easier the second time but also there was a lot less. Her flat is being rented out to a family with 3 children. I have been lucky so far that they seem to be long term tenants. It is also nice to think that her flat is being properly looked after (her neighbour would soon tell me if it wasn't) and that they are happy living there. I'm not sure how much longer we can keep this up as even with the rent coming in and her limited savings, the cost of the care home is eating into things quite a bit.

 

[together]

I had to do this with Dad in March just a few weeks after losing Mum as he was desperate to do it. I did it purely in automatic pilot, charity, rags, rubbish. We cleared loads - some going back over 50 years but then there were also cupboards stuffed with tissues, tops of socks she'd cut off, gloves stuffed with tissues and it was almost hysteria hitting us at some points. Every time i go to visit Dad there is more even tho I thought we'd cleared it all.
I can sympathise with you. At the moment what I also find each time I now visit though is that Dad is clearing out his own things in readiness (he's 91 but so far fairly fit and healthy) which I find heart breaking.
Sending you strength and love
Katherine xx

 

[Saffie]

O lord, now I've started to cry. Why are my Sundays always so tearful.
When my husband had his leg amputated in October, I made his bedroom downstairs, so cleared out a lot of drawers etc then. I felt sad because of his shoes, one of which would now be useless, all his bowling 'things' - he loved his (Green) bowling, as well as all the other bits and pieces and reminders of times past I found. But, at least, he was coming home so everything else was ok.

Now that he has to go into a nursing home,never to come home - as someone has pointed out, it's really only clothes, toiletries and, hopefully, a few pictures and personal mementoes will required. Not that the pictures or mementoes will mean anything to him any more, judging from the lack of reaction i get when I take anything into the hospital but I'll want him to have some of them.

So that leaves everything else that meant such a lot to him all his life. you're right it is terribly hard, but, I guess it's hard for us - not for them. That's something, I think. I find that just seeing his things around is upsetting as he will not see them again but what do I do with them? To give them away seems like betrayal and, somehow, like giving up on him - does that make any sense? So I guess I'll have to put everything into boxes and sort things out ....later.

 

[grobertson62]

the house is nearly empty

So the skip has gone!
stuff has been taken to St Lukes for charity

what are we left with?
some photos & a few memento's, some furniture & electricals
Is this it? the sum total of dads 78 years on earth & 56 years of marriage reduced to a couple of boxes!

I know I shouldn't weep but I do. This week would have been mums birthday & dads in no fit state to visit the cemetery not that it would do any good as he says she visits him

I think of all that I have lost & all that I won't have.
I suddenly realised that life is never going to be the same again. EVER!

 

[Loopiloo]

Dear Gill

I think of all that I have lost & all that I won't have.
I suddenly realised that life is never going to be the same again. EVER!

The realization is awful, isn't it?

I found clearing my Mum's house out, dealing with her possessions, harrowing. (She didn't have dementia, she died of cancer three days after going into hospital)

My situation is the same as that of Littlegem and Saffie, husbands still alive. Littlegem's husband at home, Saffie's husband like mine in hospital and soon to move into homes.

Saffie wrote:

So that leaves everything else that meant such a lot to him all his life. you're right it is terribly hard, but, I guess it's hard for us - not for them. That's something, I think.

Yes it is something, Saffie. But terribly hard. I look at my husband's clothes, his cherished possessions, and I do not know how I am going to do it, certainly cannot at the moment. As you say... later. It is back to the 'living bereavement' isn't it, for all of us whether husband, father, mother or any much loved relative. Something you do know has to be done after death, but never envisaged doing it while the loved one is still alive.

Gill I do so agree with you when you say;

we seem to encounter things on a daily basis that no one talks about when it comes to dealing with dementia

programmes on TV all seem to discuss what its like dealing with the person with dementia but never seem to cover off what it is like for the loved ones
What its like dealing with the paperwork. bureaucracy, social services, finances, the practical stuff. choosing a care home etc etc

the emotions of feeling bereaved

I have friends who haven't a clue what is involved, they over simplify it, and I'm too weary to 'explain' when they wonder what takes up so much of my time, not to mention my emotions and thoughts. Dealing with the chaos in your mind.

I know I shouldn't weep but I do.

Glad you have got through the practicalities, Gill, but it is a time to weep.

Sorry to end on that sad note, but it is a cruel and heartbreaking process to go through. We have the ability to laugh and to weep and if tears help get through it then let them flow.

Love
Loo xx

 

[paolo]

I have recently had to do this with my Dad's bungalow.
Unfortunately he had never thrown anything away! (I even found an old blanket from when I was a child!)so we had an enormous amount of clearing to do.
It was hard for me, as I had an emotional attachment, however I had help from my wife and 2 children, which helped.
Also the fact that I had never lived there as a child helped, and also my father married again and I was never close to my stepmother, so that also helped, (she died last October)
On the positive side, I found lots of letters and other personal items that made me feel closer to my dad, (and also my mother, who died in 1988), so I viewed it as a positive experience.
We decided to rent out Dad;'s place to help with his CH fees