guilt that i cant show affection

[Sam Iam]

This thread made me want to post as I am really struggling with this in my caring for mum.

Mum was never reciprocal re hugs and affection, where as dad was easy to cuddle and as I have gotten older I have realized I am a person who loves a hug for no reason at all just hug me, my daughter is like this and I always hug her and hug her back when she hugs me, same with my lovely hubby I grab him and hug. I can never remember every being hugged by my mum.
Since I was about 7/8 I have felt that I was a bit of an inconvenience to mum. Just there like a likable piece of furniture but when I needed something it seem a bother. She adored showing people the mess of my room and to be honest with you, when I look back and compare my room as a teenager to my daughters room now she was really lucky but I don't complain much about Clair's room as I know one day she will fly the nest and I will long for the noise and giggling phone calls and loud music as she gets ready to go out for the night.
I remember feeling down when I was 14 and I told mum, she said " oh your to young for that pull yourself together" A few short years later her friends daughter had depression and she was all over her with sympathy

Mum is slowly progressing into dementia but I feel she is able to put an act on for me( of being worse) and when my Brother telephones she goes to this wee lady who is capable of gardening, shopping and house work, when is actual fact she would not know how the Hoover works or be able to make a hot snack for herself for lunch.
I long for an evening when she stays in her own room and doesn't come plunk herself down on sofa.
I work full time and come home to care for mum but to be honest my health is now beginning to suffer, I have anemia ( diagnosed last week ) I am sooo tired.
The guilt attached to my behavior to mum hurts and I have found myself even wishing she was dead and this is not normal, for this I feel wicked as I believe" you should treat people the way you want treated yourself", it is overwhelming.
I fully understand if this post is removed as I feel I have write or I will explode. Thank you.xxxx

 

[susankell]

Your mum

Hi, I haven't been here for a while but can truly empathise with your position. You are doing what is know in psychological terms as using your defense mechanisms. I am in a similar situation but whilst I feel able to deal with my father who has dementia I cannot deal with my mother (who is showing signs). In fact, I am, and have been caring for them for 18 months fulltime now (my Dad is 85 and my mother 84). Sometimes I despair but what keeps me going is the fact that I know my father appreciates every minute I spend with him. My mother, on the other hand, is extremely selfish, manipulates everyone around her, and resents the fact that my father responds to me (as opposed to her). I get nothing but criticism from many family members but I put this down to their own guilt and try not to let it affect me. But it is so hard! My difficulties with my mother date back may years and believe me I have tried to resolve this. I. like you, cannot show her any affection because of what she has done to our family over the years. I have come to the conclusion that I must put this aside and try to show her the same attention that I give my Dad because this is what she wants. It will deplete me of even more of my energy but maybe by doing so the situation will improve and I will feel less stressed because of our "constant battle". I am sure many people in our situation face the same problems and find it as equally hard to deal with. It has taken me a long time to come to this realisation but I hope things will improve. As an old proverb (Japanese I believe) goes, "To tolerate is human, to forgive divine".

 

[isister]

I joined about a year or more ago, but I was much upset by getting an ?administrator's comment to my mentioning "guilt" as being unacceptable and never visited the website again until just recently. Things must have changed or perhaps s/he was having a bad day! I've read this thread with amazement - and what can I add? Just to say that I never was close to my sister from the time I became a teenager, but she, poor soul, had lots of emotional and social hang-ups and problems, and was always pursuing me when life was letting her down altho' I had a family, whom she found it difficult to relate to. Anyway 3 yrs ago she was diagnosed wit alz. - now aged 89 and I am 85. She is still jealous of my family. All she wants is to come and live with me.(She lives in Sheltered housing, very near.) I do all I can for her, but I cannot love her, and even am reluctant to touch her. She is pathetically grateful, but terrbly "clingy" and doesn't want anyone but me to do things for her, and it took nearly a year of struggle to get her to go to a day centre, or to accept a carer bathing her. I am much cheered by all of these splendid messages!

 

[sparrow10]

Hi Sam I am,

Hope I've got the name right, had to post, to say we have all been there with thoughts on these lines, but you are caring, because from your post it sounds like you have Mum living with you!! If you didn't care she wouldn't be with you and you would have walked away and left her to her own devices. I am in the same boat, but luckily Mum has her own annexe, which most of the time she stays in, although Hubby and I have no privacy cos she just walks in whenever. I have tried to show an example by always knocking on her door before going in and shouting "Hello", but to no avail. Now we are used to it and know she has no "social graces" anymore, all part of the dementia.
I don't know how long you have been a carer, I have cared for Mum for 6 years in her own house and now 18months living with us, doesn't get any easier, but you do get conditioned to managing some of the problems and they become part of life. TP is a great place to come to to "get it off your chest" by having a rant and then get on with caring!!!

Sparrow10

 

[father ted]

Oh, this so struck a chord with me!
My mother was diagnosed a year ago, and in retrospect a few incidences should have alerted us to the fact that all was not well.
Mum wasn't coping at home so she came to live with us as she would get very anxious at being alone and would call me very early in the morning and expect me to drop everything right away and go round to her. Despite a difficult start(she would throw herself on the floor and plead for an ambulance to be called because she didn't 'feel right' for the first 6 weeks and this happened nearly every morning.I NEVER gave in and she finally settled down).
However we have now reached a routine but I do find it hard to show her affection. I think this is because she has had a lifetime of depression during which she has been hospitalised and drugged. She seeks reassurance ALL the time that I love her, that she is not being a nuisance, that she looks OK. She isn't a nuisance but this constant need for reassurance is so wearing.
I too am an only child and so there is no one to share the load. My husband is good in so far as he was agreeable for Mum to live with us and I feel that is enough I can't expect him to do much more.
I have a disabled daughter too and on the very rare occasions I go out to see a friend for coffee or go round for dinner my Mum pulls a face and says if she is going to be left on her own she might as well go into a home. I have encouraged her to invite her friends round or to phone them but then she says I can't do that this isn't my home, my phone etc. I would like her to keep in contact with her friends but if I don't make arrangements for her then nothing happens and I just get weary with it all.
A bit of a ramble I'm afraid but sometimes it feels like when I am having to deal with my Mum all the warmth and kindness has been sucked out of me and I busy myself around her keeping her clothes clean, her belly full, medicated, bathed and ferried around but there is no warmth or compassion in it. I do feel guilty because she deserves better.

 

[jane-anne]

'guilt'

I have been reading the recent post with interest. My mother has now passed away and I have been dealing with many varied feelings about her and my treatment of her. One thing I have learnt in the 7months without her, guilt is not in the picture at all now. we did the best we could and that is all which can be asked for. She lived with my husband and myself for almost 5years, the last two being terrible. However, though she was not a cuddly person, could flay me alive with her tongue, I can now remember moments of fun and laughter ( she thought us as a family, mad) - it does help with life. Now I cuddle my husband and my children when they visit and grieve for her. Remembering pre Az days. I know she would have hated to know how she ended up.

 

[Sam Iam]

Sparrow10
I have never moved from mum's house, I got married 27+ years ago and we have all been In the same house since, mum was always selfish, I do have a few good memories with her but there are more bad ones.
Mum showed signs of dementia in 2006 and has been put on antidepressants, which lifts her low mood but she can still have a sharp tongue at times. My grandmother ( mum's mum) had dementia and I was her " granny sitter" in place of mum ( I was aged 15/16).She was a cantankerous old biddy, whilst mum is not quite as bad she can show signs of her mother. Grandmother spent the last year of her life in care with mum not visiting her. I know I could not do this but it is sooo hard Saturday found my husband and I discussing a home for mum but we decided to keep going.
I am normally an upbeat person and I am coping at work and with my family but there is a lot of unresolved issues and anger with in the family and I know they will remain this way as it seems to be a sort of family tradition to be this way.
We do have a happy life it is not all worries and woes.
Best wishes to all xxx

 

[ellejay]

"I have a disabled daughter too and on the very rare occasions I go out to see a friend for coffee or go round for dinner my Mum pulls a face and says if she is going to be left on her own she might as well go into a home".


Hi Father Ted,

You are obviously nicer than me. I saw mum in her CH today and she was in a very "anti" mood with me. She was ranting away and said "If you go and leave me here I will kill myself". I said "Please yourself" and walked away.

I waited along the corridor a way and she came after a while and forbad me to tell "them" what she'd said and was I coming back tomorrow?

I am, Lets hope she's in a better mood Lin x

 

[Autumn]

A hug from me too

Everyone shows caring in different ways. Clearly, there ARE people who can be affecitonate and loving with their parents - and that's wonderful. But not all of us can be like that. My mum's 88, has Vascular D, poor mobility and hearing and has been in care for 3 years. She hates it because she doesn't understand that there's anything wrong with her, so it follows that she can't underestand why she's not allowed out on her own (even though she has no idea where she is, where we are, what day /week/month/year it is or where she would go if she did 'escape'...). We supported her at home (40 miles away so not easy) for as long as we could, but it got too much for all of us. I still can't love her, cuddle her, hold her hand apart from when she needs support moving about or show affection apart from a peck on the cheek. During visits or outings we have the same 'non-conversations' (or kind of conversations) hundreds of times, going from angry to resentful to saying it's quite nice there and everyone is kind - often all inside the same five minutes. Cross her or disagree with something and she can be aggressive. BUT I can see she's old, scared, frustrated, confused, frail and thus worthy of compassion, and I CAN feel compassion. Sometimes in moments of clarity she says the same thing, ie "What would I do without you?" and proudly introduces me to the other residents (for the nth time), and when I arrive she is always pleased to see me. So lately I've found that I can manage unpredictable and changeable moods a bit better, and a manicure session gives a bit more physical contact in a comfy (for me) way. Not a day goes by when I don't feel guilty for being selfish by bringing her nearer, but not caring for her myself, but I know from past experience there's no way I could cope if she lived with us and she wouldn't be capable of independent living. So what I'm trying to say is: take heart, you are a worthy person too, you care as best you can, as we all do. Try not to feel guilty or in any way bad. Have a big virtual hug from me too.

 

[KTG]

I can so relate to how you are feeling. My mum has been in a CH for over two years now near Oxford and I live in Bristol and don't drive. It was really hard when I was doing all the visits before she moved into the CH re hospital appointments and just keeping an eye on her. There was so much to sort out and think about I just got on and did what was necessary. It's slightly easier now she is being cared for. But because the dementia has increasedsince she moved into the CH, my mum is no longer able to relate to me. I visit her with great intentions, but when I arrive, I find that it isn't really my mum who is there. She hardly remembers who I am and I find it very difficult to relate and show emotion/affection back. I have to approach her with that in mind and be very positive and take the lead in the conversation etc.
Take care and look after yourself.

 

[hatch]

ur not alone

OMG. i haven't been on here for some time now, but having just read some of these posts i wish i had. all this time i've felt that its only happening to me, yet its not. my dad died of AD in 2009 but my mum never accepted he had it, he was just a 'nuisance' & doing it to 'annoy her', she couldn't/wouldn't look after him so he went into care albeit only for two months till he died. ever since then i've had phone calls from mum having to rush her to doctors, & calls from hospital where shes called an ambulance out, all because she has 'falls' or can't stop 'shaking' everytime they can't find anything wrong & send her home. More recently she threatened to end it all, when I called her doctor out to her she exploded at me when he'd gone because I didn't tell her he was coming, I can't do right for doing wrong! My brother lives 100miles away so dutifully phones about once a month!! But he always says she seems fine, I wonder why? I swear she does it to play me up/get a reaction, we're not close shes never been one to cuddle (unlike my dad) so I can truly relate to some previous posts. Shes convinced she has AD even though shes had tests which say she hasn't, I'm convinced she thinks she can make it happen, its almost like she wants to get it! She won't go out, she does nothing around the house or garden yet she is capable of it if she wanted to. Shes 73 going on 93. I find it so hard to go over & see her because I know shes going to wind me up but guilt gets the better of me everytime & I go. Having read some previous posts I'm wandereing if maybe she has got early onset!!

 

[my mum eve]

Hi All

I posted the original thread and have come back on today --I am happy to have talking point to refer to and feel sooooo comforted by everyones comments.Thank you.

 

[Sam Iam]

Hi My Mum Eve,
Thank you for starting this thread it has been so cathartic for me. I realize there are people here on TP who have the same sort of feelings and emotions as I have and it makes me feel less guilty but still guilty. I Strive not to be like my mum was with me with my daughter, I love my daughter and let her know on a daily basis.
Hugs to all xxxxxx

 

[Mabel]

I know how you feel. I try to do so much for my husband and I know he doesn't always understand but I love him to bits. There are times when I don't like him very much. He seems to do anything that aggrivates me or upsets me and then when I am in tears he says he has always loved me. Its so frustrating. I seem to have more patience with other sufferers. I see-saw from day to day.

 

[dawn4856]

Thank you for this honesty about your feelings.

My Mum can be ( and often is) a thoroughly selfish cow. There- I've said it. I don't always like my Mum, never mind love her. She has always been a bit selfish, long before this disease kicked in.She can also be manipulative and even mean. But she is my Mum. She's the only one I have had and she's 84, blind, alone, with AZ and Vas D., and is, no doubt, scared. So what do you do? You care for them and tend them, nag them and worry about them, just like they were young teenagers. In fact they are very similar in a lot of ways and you hope that one day things will get better, one way or another.. Then, you can be chatting away to someone and they tell you that your Mum was singing your praises the other day, and telling everyone how much you do to make life better for her. A nd you think, just once could she say it to you without asking you to do something extra! And you hide your emotions again and get on with the task in hand.
What all of this is saying is that not everyone can care and express love. Some of us care and hide our emotions, because, good or bad, they can get in the way of caring and our day to day lives. If you can, off-load onto someone regularly even if it's just to us, because it's better for your blood pressure! and rememeber that we are all human, not perfect, just doing our best.

I can't tell you how relieved I am to read this letter. Relieved because I thought I was evil. My mother said the other day "When is the nice one coming" ... She meant my sister. I am not singing my praises but I do all the running around, I'm the practical one, my sister is a nurse in a mental illness ward and therefore copes with my mother's behaviour. I have no patience with her at all when I am with her because she criticises everything I do for her. Yet when I leave her I feel I want to be with her so she knows I haven't forgotten about her. I feel tremendous guilt like so many of us who care for dementia sufferers. But once again I thank you.

 

[longacre]

thank goodness it is not only me

I too have been so relieved to read this thread. I haven't been on this site for a while and I often feel completely alone when I am on it as everyone seems to have such wonderful and loving relationships with their family with Alzheimers. My mother has always been an incredibly selfish, self-centred woman who was also particularly nasty to my middle sister, who I am very close to, for her whole life. We do most for her now in her care home and i find myself feeling incredibly distant from her. Yes of course I do everything for her to ensure her life is as comfortable as it can be but I often feel an incredible anger and resentment towards her for being unable to provide real love and support for us throughout our lives. And particularly for how she has been towards my sister and the jealousy I think she felt of her. I sometimes have to struggle to make myself ring her and then of course I know exactly what the conversation is going to be as it is on a loop so I only have to sit at the other end and say yes and no every now and agreed. I feel incredibly guilty feeling this and even worse writing it down....my fathers Alzheimers softened him and opened him up. I am hoping the same might happen with my mother but I am not crossing my fingers! thanks for providing the opportunity to say this, however unfeeling some may find it.

 

[KingB]

I find things so confusing at the moment. Since the dementia kicked in my parents seem to have changed a lot of the family history. Dad is convinced he looked after his own father through Alzheimers. My memory is that my Gran and Grandad were made to go to a care home. My memory is that my parents despised my grandparents (who lived with us) and my own relationship with gran & grandad was ruined by the tensions in the house. Suddenly now my parents are rosy-glassed with memories of what a "lovely lady" granny was and what fun we all had. So that is all a bit weird.

Meanwhile, because I felt so sorry for mum that we never had the close relationship that I have with my daughter, I kind of manufactured a "loving relationship" with my parents over recent years. So what I really have for them I guess is sympathy/empathy. Which makes me feel guilty now because I don't actually love them - and then I wonder am I revising history too?
And then there's the feeling that no matter what I am doing for them, I should do more - even though I am at my own limits really.
So, reading that other people feel bad, unsettled, guilty etc etc is such a relief, and such a help!

As to the self-defence mechanism - I can really relate to that. My husband had cancer when my daughter was about 4 - and I remember very clearly that in order to function and keep things on an even keel I distanced myself emotionally from him. It sounds awful I know - and it wasnt conciously deliberate, but it definitely happened. In a bad situation you have to cope the best way you can & it probs differs a lot person to person. Btw - he recovered fine, but there's always a bit of a hangover from the distancing :-(

Anyways - I am SOOOOOO glad I found Talking Point!!! Cheers all.

 

[rosaliesal]

Showing Love

You say you have found it difficult to show love. Did your mum show love to you. Perhaps you do not want to feel like a child, needing your mother. We love our mums but when they become childlike it is often difficult to accept. Perhaps you do not want to show sympathy because she would be afraid if she knew she needed it. Carers do all that they can and feel drained by doing so. There is often times of resentment. After all we live difficult lives with little money, bringing up a family. Then comes our time. Time we are told would be full of freedom to do what we want to with our lives. Then an illness like this comes along and messes up our freedom. It is not the fault of our loved ones, it is not your fault or your mums...it is the fault of the illness and we all resent that illness. Many people are afraid and ashamed of the feelings they feel and it takes a long time to get adjusted. The carer takes the whole brunt of all that goes on....the rest of the family are mostly onlookers, who may be affected but not in the same way as the carer because it is not the responsibility of the rest of the family, so they can sit and judge you without knowing how you feel. You do not want to have to show sympathy I guess because you do not want to accept this disease. Let the hugs come when you feel like it, try kind words when you can and this will make life easier. Do not worry about other people. This is your situation and you are doing your best. Just remember it is not your mum's fault...she would not want to be like this but may be afraid of what is happening to her and be clingy to you. You are afraid of this clingy sensation because it makes you feel more responsible. If you feel snappy, try to take a deep breath and find a way to distract yourself and your mum. Make sure you get a bit of help and go to the right source to ensure you get moments of happiness then you will be able to cope. Good luck, you are not alone or unusual, just unhappy. The family will have no idea what is in your mind and heart and how you are suffering, they see your mum as the one needing care. You need it too. Take care of yourself, reward yourself for doing this difficult job by taking precious breaks, even if only for a couple of hours now and then.

 

[Redwitch]

....We love our mums but when they become childlike it is often difficult to accept... Carers do all that they can and feel drained by doing so. There is often times of resentment. After all we live difficult lives with little money, bringing up a family. Then comes our time. Time we are told would be full of freedom to do what we want to with our lives. Then an illness like this comes along and messes up our freedom. It is not the fault of our loved ones, it is not your fault or your mums...it is the fault of the illness and we all resent that illness. Many people are afraid and ashamed of the feelings they feel and it takes a long time to get adjusted... T

OMG this is exactly how I am feeling today, thank you so much for posting this Rosaliesal it has made me feel so much better (if that is the right word), that what I feel is normal not just me having "bad thoughts".

Jan
xxx