guilt

hopelessness

Registered User
May 2, 2011
1
0
n/ireland
hi everyone im just new to this but my mum has alzehimers and im so depressed, i just can,t handle the stress. she is becoming more and more demanding dy by dy. i just wanna scream and say that i,ve got a life too. i feel so guilty. plz help :(
 

tessadragon

Registered User
Apr 7, 2011
158
0
Surrey
*gives hopelessness a huge hug* That's awful to feel that way and entirely understandable.
If I may, I'll write down some ideas that spring to mind.
You clearly need time to relax. What things relax you?
I find putting a movie on and accompanying it with a good non-alcoholic drink and some fruit salad quite relaxing. Better still it can sometimes encourage co-operativeness from certain family members by encouraging them to negotiate what films you might both like to see (my family goes to the library and hires a dvd when possible).
I also find gardening relaxing, if you have a garden maybe this would be an option? From choosing seeds to preparing the earth can be quite cathartic, and especially watching the things grow.
Days out to somewhere peaceful, like local nature reserves, local rivers.
Apologies if these options aren't suitable, but I figured I should write them down anyway.
Most important is that you need support. Have you spoken to your doctor about the situation? If they can't recommend you to get some support from social services they might be able at least to give you some support, maybe even refer you for a counsellor, they truly can be a huge relief to open up to.
Either way, you need to talk, it must be very hard to keep all your anger and unhappiness pent up inside. So talk, and we'll listen.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,443
0
Kent
You do not have to take responsibility for your mother, you are allowed to opt out if it`s too much for you.
Contact Social Services and tell them you are unable to be your mother`s primary carer.
 

xanadu777

Registered User
Apr 2, 2011
40
0
Dyfed
Hi there Hopelessness, guilt comes with carer territory usually when we find it near impossible to cope. You need help, time out on your own. Have you contacted SS as there is help out there and it should be available to you. Keep coming to TP as it really does help with a great deal of practical help from many experienced carers. Our thoughts are always with you.
 

lindseyd01

Registered User
Feb 25, 2011
10
0
hi everyone im just new to this but my mum has alzehimers and im so depressed, i just can,t handle the stress. she is becoming more and more demanding dy by dy. i just wanna scream and say that i,ve got a life too. i feel so guilty. plz help :(
hi my mum also has alzehimers and i to have sad times i feel guilty because i have booked a holiday and am leaving my dad to cope on his own he will have no help to come in but i think he needs it it is such a cruel illness i feel guilty for enjoying myself sometimes when my dad has to cope with it i have a family to look after as well it is so hard take care
 

chucky

Registered User
Feb 17, 2011
968
0
UK
Hi, i know how you feel. There are days when i want to run away and never come back. I have to say i wish i had more willpower and refuse to carry on carng, but its like we have no other choice because of the guilt we feel. I admire some people who can stand back and say no, im not doing it, i wish i had the courage to do the same. Im not doing this because i want to, and had i had the choice i would have said no its not for me. I resent every day i have to do my "duty" and yes there are days when i just have had enough and snap and get angry then i feel guilty again, its a vicious circle. You need to decide how much you can do and are willing to do then see it through. Try not to let the guilt make you do more than you want, thats where the resentment comes in. Dont get me wrong, i love my paremts to bits, i just hate caring for them because its relentless, demanding, exhausting, and not something i would ever consider doing in normal circumstances. I have scaled back the amount of help i give, i used to be there 24/7, now i only do what i want and that could mean a 1 hour visit or a half day visit, depending on what needs done. The rest i leave to carers. My mum doesnt like it and wants me there but i have put my foot down and told her no, i have a life too and im not spending it running at her beck and call. I nursed my dad through the worst parts of his dementia and it was the hardest thing ive ever had to do, im not willing to do it all over again. Should i feel guilty, probably, do i feel guilty no, ive had enough. Dont feel guilty for thinking the way you do, we all have our limits and whats good for one person isnt good for others. Find your level of commitment then stick to it. You have nothing to feel guilty about. take care x