My mother believes her brother stole

[sillybilly]

Good afternoon
I am hoping someone can give me some advice.

My mother has become obsessed with her parents will - they died over 30 years ago - and has convinced herself she has proof that one of her brothers stole another brothers inheritance. She is threatening to get my cousins involved. All the people in her story including her brothers are dead apart from the brothers widow who has been a good and kind aunt who I would hate to be upset.

Her timeline is very confused and she says she has looked it all up in the library - which I know is impossible. I am having trouble coping with this obsession, I have tried to speak calmly to her, listen, agree to go with her to the library to see everything. She has said hurtful things to my late fathers side of the family and I am concerned she will upset her family. She does giggle sometimes and say shes started the ball rolling. If I explain it is upsetting me she just laughs and says it is only right she sees justice done. She was an executor of her parents wills.

She is comfortably off and has benefitted from inheritances in her life but is very jealous of any one inheriting any money. She is convinced her friends have inherited more than her and didnt deserve it!

I am finding this very stressful, its making me angry that she is willing to upset her neices and nephews and her own children. Everyday I see her it is the only thing she will talk about - I have actually been making excuses today not to see her and I am feeling vvvvvvvvvv guilty (I have spoken to her on the phone and she is vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv agitated about the wills)

Apologies for the ramblings, thank you for listening.

 

[Tolkny]

Apologies for the ramblings, thank you for listening.

As far as I am concerned these are exactly the sort of posts TP is for because as we read about each others struggles we realise we are not the only ones dealing with complex situations and we can pick up ideas from the experiences of others.

I now try and never disagree.

My mother in law got an obsession about a clock being at the menders.

I would say things like, 'next time you are in town you can ask about it' rather than to accept any responsibility to solve a problem she was presenting, then I would try to distract her by going on to something else before I finished talking about the clock.

'next time you are in town you can ask about it - I hope you are going to make a cup of tea now'

There are some useful tips in some of the other posts and one particular guide to communication from an American website about ten years ago, which I will try to link here another time, if someone has not already done it!

 

[Izzy]

Is this it?

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?t=30801&highlight=contented+dementia

 

[no.7]

I'm sorry you are having to try to cope with this difficult situation.

Do all the rest of the family involved in her obsession with inheritance understand that she has alzheimers? If so I'd hope they wouldn't take it too personally if she does say anything nasty to them about it.

 

[Katrine]

This is a nasty game

I shall probably cause offence by my observations, but IMHO there is a time to be compassionate and distracting, but there is sometimes a time to be firm when people play unpleasant games. You are feeling stressed, angry, guilty etc. so her game is having a big effect on you while she is enjoying stirring things up. Refuse to play the game. "I don't want to talk about this" is different to "You're wrong, that didn't happen." She can believe whatever she likes but you don't have to be involved in these conversations. You could warn your aunt and cousins so that they can also refuse to get drawn into the game. Mum will only have attention if she says and does positive things, not nasty things.

If that's too harsh, or not appropriate, I apologise. Speaking from my personal experience I have allowed myself to expend so much emotional energy on reassuring and supporting people in my family with dementia who love to moan and complain, before I realised that they were not unhappy or distressed, just loving the attention. I now withdraw from conversations that upset me, change the subject, and leave the room / end the phone call if the record gets stuck.

I appreciate that many people with dementia are not capable of understanding other people's feelings, but when you think it feels like a nasty game it probably is. If you look back into the past you have probably experienced similar situations with your mum. If she can't change her behaviour you can change yours, to avoid the stress on you. There is much to be said for blanking it out instead of focusing always on your mum's invented dramas. Very best of luck, Katrine x

 

[sillybilly]

Thank you Katrina and everyone for their suggestions.
I do believe my Mum is enjoying herself.
I am taking her out in the morning so will take on all your advice and best wishes and see how we do.

 

[Onlyme]

Mum says nasty things about the carers and family who are long gone. She tells me they visit and do this, that or the other when I know they obviously don't. I have to tell her that that is not a nice to say and to stop now please. I am very surprised as it does work at least fort that visit. After a couple of these she seems to realise that she can't discuss this with me.

 

[Tolkny]

Is this it?

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?t=30801&highlight=contented+dementia

That is it - Thanks.

 

[Nebiroth]

You won't be able to change your mother's beliefs, it is therefore pointless to present her with evidence contrary to them, she will either reject it, somehow work it into her delusions and use it as proof she is right, etc

As has been said, the only way forward is to either distract and avoid getting drawn into argument, which is pointless as you will never win. Remember she believes these things to be true and to her it makes sense (even if it is plainly nonsense)

You also need to warn the rest of the family to ignore anything your mother says.

Such delusions are very common amongst people with dementia, as are there threats to "do something" but these rarely materialise.

 

[sillybilly]

Thank you all for your kind advice - I am trying to follow it as best I can.
The start of my message was that my mother was threatening to contact one of my cousins for help, well she did and he kindly visited. He brought all the family papers and explained she was wrong and told her he wouldnt help her. He showed her the papers she had signed 30 years ago agreeing to everything.
My cousin phoned me to explain all the above. I went in to see my mum and was greeted with. "As I told you I am right and xxxx
is going to sort it out and take me to a solicitor.
Is she playing a game or does she really believe what she is saying.
I have found all the papers in the house that show SHE was infact the main executor 30 years ago?
We have prewarned other members of the family but the things she is saying about one brother (no longer alive) is very nasty.
I would appreciate any advice you can give me.

 

[chucky]

Hi, she really does think it happened so all the explaining and proof wont convince her otherwise. There could also be an element in devilment here, shes getting your attention and is enjoying being the one with the power and in control. If you know for a fact that there was no wrongdoing and everything was above board, i would just humour her. When she starts on about it try to change the subject or walk out/put down the phone and say i need to do x/y/z and will see/speak to you later. My dad was convinced he did things that i know for a fact he didnt but there was no reasoning with him and i learned just to ignore him (eventually) after many a battle because i didnt know this can happen. One example was watching a western on tv one day and he was dodging bullets and hiding behind the sofa and i was gobsmacked, he really thought he was there. Obviously not the same problem you have, but its an example of how their brain can project things to them, and if your mum is convinced it really happened she will always believe it did. It is very common amongst sufferers, and you have to think if its confusing for us, how much more confusing it must be for them. As i said, if you know that there was no wrongdoing, dont get worked up about it, you'll drive yourself crazy. x