Undiagnosed Dementia

[Loganberry]

Hi, have been reading this forum for a while now, but this is my first posting.

My Mum and Dad are both 86 and have been married for 63 years. In 2002 my Mum started showing signs of memory problems i.e. asking the same question over and over again. Her memory has declined quickly over the years but now things have really deteriorated.

She has absolutley no short term memory, none at all, in fact even her memories from her youth are all distorted. She tells stories of things we know have never happened and seems to have re-invented her past. Recently she has run out of the house screaming that there was an imposter inside trying to steal her things (it was my Dad), accused him of having an affair and locked all the doors when he was in the garden.

These are only the things we know about. You see my Mum has never seen a Doctor about this, not ever. My Dad is in complete denial and says she will "flip" if he calls the Doctor out. His reasoning is that she is not neglected, he does all the cooking, the washing and housework, but he just can't see which way this is going. Mum is incapable of the simplest tasks, I'm scared that she will cause an accident or hurt herself or my dad in some way. I'm scared that she will have one of her "episodes" when I'm there with my children and most of all I'm just scared. Her Mum had Alzheimers (diagnosed and in a care home) so I know how it ends and how can my Dad do that at home?

I'm sorry, this post sounds self pitying and I don't mean to be. What I wanted to ask is do we intervene? My Dad is a good, proud man who has provided for his family all his life, but has always had a tendency to bury his head in the sand and refuses to listen to us that he needs help. Sorry, this is a ramble but I'm just hoping there's someone who can give me some advice.

Thanks
Logan

 

[Izzy]

I don't think you're sounding self pitying. It's all very scary and I can understand why you are afraid. I wondered if you could persuade your mum to go to the GP and maybe you go with her.

Really just thinking out loud here as not sure what to suggest. Maybe you could write to your mum's GP and explain your concerns. If you were able to get your mum a general check up after you had written your doctor would be aware that he was looking out for signs of dementia.

I suppose a lot will depend on how much your dad will be willing to be persuaded that it is for the best to get your mum seen by a doctor. x

 

[Loganberry]

Thanks for the reply. Unfortunately, even in the early days of all this Mum was dead set against seeing her GP. She became abusive to my Dad so the subject was dropped.

Thing is, even if I did persuade her to go, 2 minutes later she would have forgotten what we'd agreed. I have suggested that my Dad arranges for their GP to call on the pretence of a check up but he just won't do it. Says he doesn't want it to end like this .

Forgot to mention, she wanders at night too, fortunately the house is alarmed so she doesn't get too far. What scares me is the things my Dad isn't telling us and I know it's probably even worse than we think. I dont live close by, I work full time and have 2 children so I can't be there as often as I think he would like and even when I go it breaks my heart to see them in this situation. Could I go over his head and try to get help? I'm not sure he'd ever forgive me for it.

Logan

 

[lin1]

Hi Loganberry
Welcome to TP

Im sorry to hear that your dad is not seeking medical help for your Mum.
It may well your dad is burying his head in the sand, or feels that he can cope throughout without any outside help,

Is your dad aware that their could be medication to help slow Alzheimers down? , if your mum does have Alzheimers

Im sure others will be along soon with helpful advice soon.

I do understand when your dad says she would go spare if ...
maybe the gp could be given a list of mums problems, behaviours ect. others here have done this and also arranged with the gp to see the person under another pretext, such as an older persons MOT

 

[chucky]

Hi Loganberry, I was very much like you in the beginning, my dad has dementia and there was no way i would ever have got him to the doctor. I arranged for the GP to "drop by" at home who agreed to the pretence that he was seeing my mum. It certainly sounds like you are needing help and i would be inclined to go against your dad and suffer the fall out later if you get my meaning. I would make an appointment with the GP and tell them about your situation and if he/she can arrange an assessment. Unfortunately sometimes we have to do things we're not comfortable with but necessary all the same. Caring for a dementia sufferer is hard work mentally and physically but it helps if you can get support from outside services. You will probably be met by resistance from your parents but you have to try and put that aside and deal with the problems as you see them. Sadly the dementia sufferer continues to deteriorate and your father may be too old to cope with the caring alone, if you can make him see youre trying to help but not interfering, he may come round to the idea. Your first priority has to be getting a diagnosis and assessment then you'll know what youre dealing with and what help and support you need. There are lots of ways to get help but you need to make that first step. TP is a great place for you to offload your worries and fears with people who know exactly how you feel. Keep talking and stay strong. x

 

[Loganberry]

Thanks Lin

She even refused to go and get the flu jab this winter, it's as if somewhere deep in her new world, she knows somethings wrong and she sees anyone in the medical profession as a threat, or maybe not, maybe it's my Dad scared of what the Doctor would say. Either way, there is no chance of getting her to the surgery.

Thing is, my Mum as I knew her is gone now, but she's still there and needs medical intervention and I have never felt so helpless in my life.

Logan x

 

[Loganberry]

Chucky thank you! I know this is what I have to do but needed to hear it from someone outside the family.

Truth be told, it's the conflict and upset I know this will cause that I have been avoiding, but it's got to the point where I can't avoid it any more. After the holidays I will somehow summon up the courage to contact their GP, I fear that without any intervention I will end up losing my Dad as well and I'm not ready for that , his health is already failing. I just hope that he can understand that I'm doing it for the right reasons.

Logan x

 

[danny]

Logan, your situation is quite common. Alot of the generation your father and mother are of ,would not want anyone to know they have a problem. As many others have said you do need to do something,hard as it may be.

Each county seems to vary at the minute as to what help and support is out there.Our surgery has a dementia support worker attached to it who is lovely.Your GP is a good first choice though and then may be your local Alzheimers Society office will be able to signpost as well.


If you go onto your local councils web site it should help you.


Good luck to you and your family.

Kind regards, Angela.

 

[Loganberry]

An update

Well, I was quite shocked when I searched for this thread and realised how long ago it was that I posted.

I never quite summoned the courage to go against my Dad, until tonight. He rang a short while ago, Mam was having another 'episode'. He was close to tears and insisted I spoke to my Mam. I did, but it wasn't my Mam, not really, I don't think she even knew who I was. Anyway I tried to persuade him, he laid the guilt trip on me, but I can't cope with this any more. I have rung the emergency doctor, told them everything, just waiting for news now. Can't go over, 13 miles away and in the house on my own with the kids. Shaking.

 

[nicoise]

Hello Loganberry,

Sorry to hear that things have had a sudden downturn - sometimes it does take a crisis to get the help needed, especially where there has been denial and resistance.

Well done on doing the right thing - you have tried to do it by your dad's rules, but if he is now looking for your help and it is out of your abilities, there is nothing you can do but to seek medical help. Don't feel bad for that, nor that you have gone against your dad. Your mum needs proper help - and your dad too.

Let us know how things go - but in the meantime just take a little time out to calm yourself - have a cup of tea, take a rest. I think you too are exhausted by all this - by my reckoning that's 8 months since you posted - that's a long time with no outside help.

Best wishes xxx

 

[Chemmy]

Anyway I tried to persuade him, he laid the guilt trip on me, but I can't cope with this any more. I have rung the emergency doctor, told them everything, just waiting for news now. Can't go over, 13 miles away and in the house on my own with the kids. Shaking.

This is SO unfair - what does he actually expect you to do other than get professional help? His and your mother's needs are no more important than your children's. You cannot be expected to be Superwoman.

You are absolutely doing the right thing here. Good luck.