My wife with Alzheimer's thinks her mother is still alive and thinks she is often in this house. She askes me, who she thinks is her dad, where she is. I make up some story. Her mother died long ago and she was at the funeral long before the disease hit her Should I tell her?
Should I tell her
- Thread starter comane
- Start date
reply
I was told when we found out about my wifes illness, that we should agree with her on everything. If you start arguing or disagreeing with what they say, they get upset and it can make things worse. Just agree and say yes, they will not remember and you will know the truth anyway.
I was told when we found out about my wifes illness, that we should agree with her on everything. If you start arguing or disagreeing with what they say, they get upset and it can make things worse. Just agree and say yes, they will not remember and you will know the truth anyway.
I think you're doing the right thing. I learned to say my grandparents were fine when my mother asked. Otherwise, if I told her the truth, she would be devastated. My mother no longer speaks so I don't have to deal with those questions anymore. I wish I did.
We used to tell my mum that her parents were dead when she asked, and it was all right, it wasn't a shock for her because she sort of remembered when she was told and she would move on to something else. Then one day it changed and she got terribly upset, and then asked again five minutes later. so since then we say we haven't seen them lately or they are coming later. It is so strange to be so untruthful with someone but it seems to be accepted practice and feels like the right thing to do.
Pippa
Pippa
For me, i try to say something like 'your mum was a lovely lady' or 'you miss your mum today' and then move on with some distraction and do the washing up together.
I did tell my mum once that her parents were long dead, thinking i was being kind, hah. I won't do it again.
I did tell my mum once that her parents were long dead, thinking i was being kind, hah. I won't do it again.
Hi Comane,
I don't know if this link might help you - Oliver James has written a book called Contented Dementia - there is a lot about it on this forum in previous posts but I found this extract today.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/3355784/Dementia-part-two-unlocking-memories-through-love.html
I don't know if this link might help you - Oliver James has written a book called Contented Dementia - there is a lot about it on this forum in previous posts but I found this extract today.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/3355784/Dementia-part-two-unlocking-memories-through-love.html
Same with me, have tried odd bits out of the book. As for telling the truth we also no longer do although sometimes you end up digging yourself a very big hole that you can't get out of. On one instance Mum shouted at Dad and myself 'you just don't know what to say do you' and she was right, wed dug ourselves into such a big hole with the lies we were stuck!
My husband keeps telling me things that his Mother is telling him, She died when he was seventeen. I just go along with it and say, "Oh, that's nice love", or something else suitable.
He asks me "Where's Holly?", (his dog who we had put to sleep about 4 yrs ago), I tell him she's ok, she's sleeping. (Well I suppose you could call it that)
My Mum had Dementia and was always telling me she'd seen her Mum or her Sister, both long gone, but never my Dad,(he died in 1992), who she adored. She never mentioned him. I wonder if she blanked that out deliberately as it was too painful.
He asks me "Where's Holly?", (his dog who we had put to sleep about 4 yrs ago), I tell him she's ok, she's sleeping. (Well I suppose you could call it that)
My Mum had Dementia and was always telling me she'd seen her Mum or her Sister, both long gone, but never my Dad,(he died in 1992), who she adored. She never mentioned him. I wonder if she blanked that out deliberately as it was too painful.
I would say that I don't know how they are, I haven't heard in a while, but I'm sure they are thinking of you. If needs be you could follow it up with "they are having a break just now" It is hard but I feel that if you can manage without causing extra distress, then the softest way is the kindest.x.
keep them happy
Often my wife wants to go "home" where ever that may be but I can persuade her to stay here. Then she thinks her mother (long dead) will be worried about her and she must ring her to tell her. I then ring one of her sons and ask him to ring her mother. She speaks to him and he assures her that he will tell her mother that she will stay here tonight. Then she is happy and puts back the clothes she was going to take with her.
It is all forgotten in the morning when she reverts to her real self for a short time before she starts worrying about her imaginary children and the game must start again,
There is nothing untruthful about this it is just taking part in the imaginary world she is living in.
Often my wife wants to go "home" where ever that may be but I can persuade her to stay here. Then she thinks her mother (long dead) will be worried about her and she must ring her to tell her. I then ring one of her sons and ask him to ring her mother. She speaks to him and he assures her that he will tell her mother that she will stay here tonight. Then she is happy and puts back the clothes she was going to take with her.
It is all forgotten in the morning when she reverts to her real self for a short time before she starts worrying about her imaginary children and the game must start again,
There is nothing untruthful about this it is just taking part in the imaginary world she is living in.
My lovely wife still speaks of her long dead parents as if they are still alive and still thinks of our now married children as young and needing her guidance and advice about their schooling, choice of clothes etc and I never disabuse her as they are formed in her imagination and are her dreams and her reality. Imagination is the ability to form mental images, sensations and concepts at a time when they are not easily perceived through sight, hearing or other senses - including memory recall - and it gives at least some meaning to the confused experience of Alzheimer's sufferers. Also it helps them make some sort of sense of the world in which they reside. The fact that Alzheimer's sufferers live in their own memory impaired reality does not make that reality any less real to them and their imagination, although seemingly flawed to us, helps them live with their turbulent thoughts. We all try and live to a greater or lesser extent in an imaginary world with our hopes and fears and expectations, otherwise why do so many do the lottery, and we do not like to be told we are dreaming or wrong about them. When my wife's memory impaired imagination leads her to a faulty conclusion that nevertheless makes her content I agree with her or distract her if it might make her unhappy as her happiness is my sole reason for living until such time as that role becomes impossible..
What amazing understanding and love
What amazing understanding and love you have for your wife...she is a very lucky woman.
What amazing understanding and love you have for your wife...she is a very lucky woman.
A sense of reassurance
Thank you for that link Jancis. The phrase that really struck me was
I have tended to respond to constant questions from MIL of "How's ..." with factual answers about what that person is doing today or when I last saw them, but I often find that my responses are met with a glazed expression, so it's obviously not facts that are wanted. I think I'm being asked to provide reassurance that the person is well and happy so I'm going to try some different answers now.
Thank you for that link Jancis. The phrase that really struck me was
I have tended to respond to constant questions from MIL of "How's ..." with factual answers about what that person is doing today or when I last saw them, but I often find that my responses are met with a glazed expression, so it's obviously not facts that are wanted. I think I'm being asked to provide reassurance that the person is well and happy so I'm going to try some different answers now.
my wife
Oh Xanadu I understand so well. People tell me that I should put her in a care home for one day a week to give myself a break. I think they are right but after more than half a century with her I can't quite bring myself to do it. Anyway what would I do that day without her to share the experience. The day will come of course.
Oh Xanadu I understand so well. People tell me that I should put her in a care home for one day a week to give myself a break. I think they are right but after more than half a century with her I can't quite bring myself to do it. Anyway what would I do that day without her to share the experience. The day will come of course.
