Will i ever get over it!

[muriel.elliott]

Hi all,
Went to see bryan this morning. Not in a very happy mood. His anti-biotics are giving him tummy ache etc. Also off his food.Which is unusual. When the nurse tried to give him a few spoonfuls of suppliment, which looked like strawberry mouse, he spat it out at her!He did know i was there i think as he said !hello darling! when i got there.Hopefully he knew who he was talking too.I always feel so alone and miserable when i leave him. It is so unfair.
I spent a long time in the garden today. I sowed some seeds on monday and was so pleased today when i noticed some lettuce and cabbage seeds were sprouting.But then of course i felt really low as last year i came straight in and told bryan. I have no one to tell now. I have only been gardening for the last 3 years
I keep thinking about bryan, wanting to ring the home to see how he is, but i know they would let me know if there was a problem.He is not in hospital is he!I feel so confused!
Love and hugs: to all, Muriel xx

 

[lin1]

Muriel.

I wish I had some wise and wonderful words that would help to ease your pain.

all I can do is give you a cyber ((((((HUG))))))

if you want to phone to see how your Brian is, then phone ,it may help to put your mind at rest,
xxxx

 

[Izzy]

Me too Maureen. I wish things could be better for you and everyone else suffering or caring. xx

 

[CaPattinson]

Hi Muriel, yes it is very sad indeed. Its great that you're sowing seeds and gardening! What about keeping a diary of whats happening in the garden. From sowing to harvesting. Might be an interesting thing to do perhaps?

Dear Muriel, I can't ease your pain I wish I could, sending you lottsa love and hugs xxxxxx

 

[Bronwen]

Hello Muriel...I know how you feel so well. When I visit Trevor I am happy that I am there for his every need, but I hate leaving him, although the carers are wonderful..I just feel I have abandoned him and no words from kind friends and family can convince me otherwise...I just can't wait until I go in the next day to see if he is all right..I know its wearing me down but I can'tchange how I feel.

There is no option is there Muriel and I send you my love in having to deal with this dreadful disease and remember we are all here for you.

love
Brnwen x

 

[ann vickers]

hi muriel, i know how u feel,i have the same feeling ,i think my husband has had a stroke he is not walking straght now calls me mum its so hard 2 leave him,but he is being looked after ok

 

[gigi]

wanting to ring the home to see how he is, but i know they would let me know if there was a problem.He is not in hospital is he!I feel so confused!

Hello Muriel,

I remember feeling like that..still do sometimes, the CH are now used to me phoning at odd hours ...

I always feel so alone and miserable when i leave him.

...I know. Many of us feel that way..you're not alone.

Try not to dwell on the negatives of this ....we all do our best to care for as long as we can..and when we can no longer do that the best we can hope for is that our loved ones are well cared for by others..and oversee that care as best we can.

Our lives are important too, don't forget that. I'm only just realising this after a long and very rocky road.

There will always be the pain of seperation. I try to hold in my mind the last few days before Eric went into permanent care..the knowledge that I could no longer deal with his demands on me and the total exhaustion and hopelessness that I felt. And the subsequent breakdown...

Eric is much better cared for now in a way that I couldn't do. He has routine, regular meals and is, above all, safe. He has stimulation and the benefit of round the clock care..which I could no longer give him.

There is no other option.
I know it's tough...more so for us , I think. Learning to live alone ain't easy.

It does become more tolerable...

Love xx

 

[Greensleeves]

It is a lonely road we walk, we who are widows (or widowers) but not. Our partners who we loved so dear are gone, replaced by people we no longer know - except on those all too brief occasions when the clouds part and momentarily they are back, as they were, understanding, loving.....

I looked after my husband for six years until it got to the point that I could not cope any more; and oh, the guilt at having to consign him to a care home! Oh the misery and sense of betrayal! But I too know that he is far better off there, even though that does not totally assuage the guilt.

But I think you hit the nail on the head - the fact that whatever you do, wherever you go, the person you love is no longer there to tell it to. And when things go wrong, and you are fighting bureaucracy when dealing with all the stuff associated with someone going into care, the person you would naturally run to .... is the one who can no longer give their opinion, or put their arms round you and tell you it will all be okay....

Yes, it is hard, but we are not alone - we have each other x

 

[Nan2seven]

Dear Muriel,

I know just how you're feeling.

Brian has been in his new care home for five days (following a month in hospital and a month before that in a not very good care home) and I go in each day at the moment to help him eat his tea/supper. I too hate leaving him. But the simple actions of eating (swallowing) and drinking make him very tired and I am glad to say he usually drifts off to sleep within minutes of finishing a meal. I give him a kiss when I see him nodding off and it is easier then to creep away.

Funny you should mention the garden: I wrote only yesterday in my diary that it's a lonely business keeping a garden looking lovely when there's no-one to appreciate it but you. I have five large pots of tulips all in flower at the moment and no Brian to tell me, as he did last year, how beautiful they are.

We WILL get used to it at some point, I suppose, but not yet. It's all too recent, isn't it, for you and for me, and adjusting is going to take some time.

Thinking of you and sending love,
Nan XXX

 

[muriel.elliott]

Thank you all for your kind words and love. Especially Nan. It is such a comfort to know there is someone out there to understand.
Unfortunately, i have never been a person to be able to cry tears easilly. I just shake and feel full up. ALL OF a sudden the tears will come. But as yet that has not happened since bryan went in to the home.I am sure i would feel better if i could.
Love and hugs to all Muriel xxx