Hi. I am new to this site and hope someone has been through this situation and can give some advise. I have an 82 year old mother who lives in an isolated village in rural Devon in a 5 bedroomed house with an acre of garden. She sees no -one apart from a neighbour maybe once a fortnight and spend all her waking hours playing games on the computer to "keep her brain active". My siblings and I have been increasingly worried about her. Her memory is appalling and her appearance is deteriorating. She won't accept help and mail is piled up around the house. She has "lost" the car when she couldn't remember where she parked it and when it was found said someone else must have put it there. We got her to agree to talk to her GP about 2 years ago about her memory and he sent her for tests which we never got to hear the results of. We have recently been contacted by her neighbour raising her concerns about mum and have been back in touch with the GP. Turns out she was diagnosed with vascular dementia and nobody told us!We have tried over the years to get her to move closer to one of us -she won't. She won't accept help of any kind from anyone but she is extremely vulnerable and clearly not coping. She has never particularly liked people and would never agree to go to a day centre or to have anyone come to the house to help her - we have managed to get her to agree to having a gardener once a week but she criticises everything he does! None of us live closer than two hours away and are at a loss of what to do. The GP is going to see her based on our concerns but it still doesn't help us to get her to accept help. Power of attorney is in place but that really only helps with financial management and hasn't been activated as she feels she is in control of everything -she clearly isn't. She can hold it together for periods of times and sounds quite plausible so she can con professionals in to thinking she is OK. What can we do to try and get her to accept there is a major problem and that we want to help not take away her life and independance. I note that she shouldn't be driving with dementia - we have tried to tackle this with her but she won't hear us and needs the car because of the remoteness of her home and no village shop. She gets very defensive and aggressive when we try to suggest she may need help - what can we do? I have only given a snapshot of the problems - there is a catalogue of incidents which cause concern but I have rambled on enough and hope that someone out there has been through the same and found a solution? Many thanks for reading this.
What can we do about mum?
- Thread starter mummychicken
- Start date
Hello MummyChicken, I am sorry to read your post about your mother. Does she have any carers in at all? It is sad when someone can no longer manager their own but I know that many many people who live in rural areas do have carers visiting daily, and often more than once. Carers can also take your mother shopping. You might find this help is not enough but perhaps it is a good place to start. I am impressed that she can play computer games 
I would suggest you contact social services and ask for a care assessment for your mother or contact an agency locally that may be able to offer advice on their services.
The following link may help you
http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=131
Very best wishes to you all
I would suggest you contact social services and ask for a care assessment for your mother or contact an agency locally that may be able to offer advice on their services.
The following link may help you
http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=131
Very best wishes to you all
Hi, It's very frustrating when help is refused isn't it.Trouble is, we can see the logic of help,they see interference.My mum grudgingly accepted carers for medication only after a hospital stay because she hadn't been taking her meds(we would find them in all sorts of places)and "Doctor said" swayed it and kept her pride intact. Got a feeling that won't work with your mum tho'! Meals on wheels she allowed in because I refused to cancel them, but she insists she gives them straight to the cat. She refused day centre and extra carers for outings etc.
We were at stalemate until her vascular dementia got worse, and now she has been assessed and can have decisions made for her and we are in the process of finding a permanent care home for her.
I honestly can't give you an answer to your problem,just our experience, luckily nothing really bad happened to my mum while she was still making her own decisions.
Try not to worry too much (easier said than done, I know!)
Good Luck. Lin x
We were at stalemate until her vascular dementia got worse, and now she has been assessed and can have decisions made for her and we are in the process of finding a permanent care home for her.
I honestly can't give you an answer to your problem,just our experience, luckily nothing really bad happened to my mum while she was still making her own decisions.
Try not to worry too much (easier said than done, I know!)
Good Luck. Lin x
Hi Mummychicken and welcome.
Re the car situation - can you get her to agree not to use it due to the price of petrol? Can you get one of the large supermarkets to deliver to her due the guise of saving petrol money? It worked for us, I hope its an option for you.
I hope the GP manages to see her but it is so difficult when you live so far away.
Best wishes and keep posting
Re the car situation - can you get her to agree not to use it due to the price of petrol? Can you get one of the large supermarkets to deliver to her due the guise of saving petrol money? It worked for us, I hope its an option for you.
I hope the GP manages to see her but it is so difficult when you live so far away.
Best wishes and keep posting
Thank you for the replies. No she has no carers at all - she wouldn't accept them and as for a community care assessment not a hope of her agreeing to it. Whenever i have raised our concerns with her she just tells me not to worry about her, she's fine! She doesn't eat properly - half a ready meal for one at night yet when we visit and take her out she eats like a horse! Have suggested meals on wheels but she is happy with her ready meal from Tesco! She is determined to be self sufficient, yet she has no human contact for days on end. One day she'll say shes lonely and then when we suggest she moves closer to one of us she says she isn't lonely and loves her home - we really are getting nowhere with her and watching her deteriorate.My daughter is getting married this year and when discussing wedding arrangements with my mother she informed me that one of her grandchildren was getting married too! It is so difficult to sit back and watch her deteriorate yet she refuses all offers of help or acknowledgement that anything is really wrong and her neighbours must think we're awful because we're not doing anything! If only we could! I have mentioned supermarket deleiveries but she likes going to the shop - it is the only time she goes out now. Just feels as though we're hitting our heads against a brick wall.
Another idea - could you arrange for a 'shopper' to pick her up and take her shopping every week? You have to pay for it but it gives her time outside the home but supervised. I think we got that through SS and paid about £30 an hour for it but it was worth it.
Hello Welcome to TP
I see your in a cleft stick your mum needs some help but wont accept it , unfortunately this happens frequently, some have had success by gradually introducing carers ect as a friend visiting, and sometimes with the older generation THE DOCTOR SAYS works .
I do suggest if you can get mum to agree and mum has capacity to understand and concent , you take out the LPA for health and welfare , as if or when mum loses capacity, becomes a danger to herself or becomes to ill , others will be making decisions like where mum goes ,
if mum agrees and is deemed to have capacity you can register the health and welfare LPA straight away .
I see your in a cleft stick your mum needs some help but wont accept it , unfortunately this happens frequently, some have had success by gradually introducing carers ect as a friend visiting, and sometimes with the older generation THE DOCTOR SAYS works .
I do suggest if you can get mum to agree and mum has capacity to understand and concent , you take out the LPA for health and welfare , as if or when mum loses capacity, becomes a danger to herself or becomes to ill , others will be making decisions like where mum goes ,
if mum agrees and is deemed to have capacity you can register the health and welfare LPA straight away .
Hello and welcome to TP. Sometimes the only thing you can do is to sit back and do nothing. Yes I know that goes totally against the grain, but, since as yet your Mum can cook for herself, shop for herself and maintain an,(albeit limited) "normal lifestyle" she can manage day to day living. Her GP is aware of the situation and knows that family can be contacted in an emergency, I would suggest that you contact Social Services and explain the situation to them. You may have a local branch of the Alzheimer's Society who will also be able to advise. If you are truly unhappy about her driving, you can always contact the DVLA or her insurance company anonomously . Good luck and keep us posted. Maureen.
Hi MC,
Your problem poses a worrying dilemma and I am sorry to hear the difficulty you are facing. It might help a little to know that there are lots of elderly folk who live in isolated places who miss out on daily contact, my uncle suffered this plight.
I'm wondering if your mum's neighbour might be able to help. She might be nervous to intefere but if she knew how desperate you feel about the problem she might agree to report her concerns to social services? I agree with everything other members have said but if you contact SS and your neighbour does likewise then your mum may have to accept some kind of structured help. In my uncle's case, when it was obvious he was a danger to others and himself while driving his car keys were discreetly hidden by his SW. He hated carers visiting but when he realised they were friends and not foes he reluctantly accepted a modicum of help.
I think it's amazing that your mum spends her time playing computer games! This might be a key to attracting her interest in people with similar interests?
Your problem poses a worrying dilemma and I am sorry to hear the difficulty you are facing. It might help a little to know that there are lots of elderly folk who live in isolated places who miss out on daily contact, my uncle suffered this plight.
I'm wondering if your mum's neighbour might be able to help. She might be nervous to intefere but if she knew how desperate you feel about the problem she might agree to report her concerns to social services? I agree with everything other members have said but if you contact SS and your neighbour does likewise then your mum may have to accept some kind of structured help. In my uncle's case, when it was obvious he was a danger to others and himself while driving his car keys were discreetly hidden by his SW. He hated carers visiting but when he realised they were friends and not foes he reluctantly accepted a modicum of help.
I think it's amazing that your mum spends her time playing computer games! This might be a key to attracting her interest in people with similar interests?
Dear Mummychicken,
I'm not sure how much help you will get from Social Services without your mothers consent. I am in a similar position and talked to both the Alzeimer's Society and Age UK about my concerns. Age UK indicated that it would be most unlikely for Social Services to become involved without my mothers agreement. They both stressed the importance of getting her GP involved and have someone accompany her to any meeetings / reviews that might occur.
I would love to hear of other people's experiences of engaging with Social Services.
Good luck!
I'm not sure how much help you will get from Social Services without your mothers consent. I am in a similar position and talked to both the Alzeimer's Society and Age UK about my concerns. Age UK indicated that it would be most unlikely for Social Services to become involved without my mothers agreement. They both stressed the importance of getting her GP involved and have someone accompany her to any meeetings / reviews that might occur.
I would love to hear of other people's experiences of engaging with Social Services.
Good luck!
I knew my dad would refuse any kind of outside help, so i did it all without his knowledge, unannounced home visits from doc, SS etc.I knew there would be an almighty fight if i told him or tried to take him to appts so i did it all behind his back. There was no other way and i felt terribly guilty about doing it like this so it was by no means easy. However he wasnt actually aware that he was being assessed so it was as if we just had visitors and they could see him "in all his glory" so to speak. It was done over a period of 12 weeks all conducted at home and it was agreed that he needed 24 hour care.The SS were amazingly helpful and if it hadnt been for them i dont know what would have happened as by this time we were at crisis level.I know that some people will find this unethical but the time had passed for trying this or that scenario. I involved the SS myself, after a very difficult day i had dissolved into a crying, blubbering wreck and begged them for help. I could never fault them on my dads care they were brilliant. I think its obvious you need outside help so by not telling her in advance wont harm her in any way, but youll never know unless you try. If it doesnt work then you can have a re think. With dementia care, anythings worth a try. I wish you luck.
Housekeeper?
Hello mummychicken, what a worry for you. It occurs to me that your mother might accept the idea of a housekeeper better than a 'carer' because household management is a practical issue whereas caring is a personal one and focuses on dependency. Lots of older people, whether or not they have dementia, require at least a cleaner and gardener if they live in a large house.
Is your mother at all concerned about the state of the house? She might like someone in to help her to keep up her former standards. This might be a route to live-in carer support in the future but at present it would seem that a regular presence in the house and better nutrition might be all that she needs at the moment. And that regular presence would provide you with timely information if there are any problems.
Hello mummychicken, what a worry for you. It occurs to me that your mother might accept the idea of a housekeeper better than a 'carer' because household management is a practical issue whereas caring is a personal one and focuses on dependency. Lots of older people, whether or not they have dementia, require at least a cleaner and gardener if they live in a large house.
Is your mother at all concerned about the state of the house? She might like someone in to help her to keep up her former standards. This might be a route to live-in carer support in the future but at present it would seem that a regular presence in the house and better nutrition might be all that she needs at the moment. And that regular presence would provide you with timely information if there are any problems.
Hi mummychicken
Just a thought re the car situation. Is there any possibility that it could 'go for a service' and have 'a major problem' that would cost an arm and a leg to fix, or at least go away for a short time to get her used to being without it? Luckily my mum didn't drive so I didn't have that problem.
I also live in rural Devon so I know this is probably going to be a silly question but, is there a bus she could catch instead of using the car? Or is she at the stage where she would forget where to catch it and what time etc. If it's anything like the village we used to live in the answer is probably no. There we had 1 bus a week into the local market town and back by lunchtime. I found out a while ago that even that has gone - and this in a village where the nearest shop is 3 miles away
This must be so worrying for you. My mum was 200 miles away but thankfully I had no problems getting her to accept help and she is now 0.5 miles up the road in a residential home. I did go behind her back and made an appointment with her GP but wrote to him first with my and her neighbours' concerns. I wish you luck and hope you get some help soon.
Chris
Just a thought re the car situation. Is there any possibility that it could 'go for a service' and have 'a major problem' that would cost an arm and a leg to fix, or at least go away for a short time to get her used to being without it? Luckily my mum didn't drive so I didn't have that problem.
I also live in rural Devon so I know this is probably going to be a silly question but, is there a bus she could catch instead of using the car? Or is she at the stage where she would forget where to catch it and what time etc. If it's anything like the village we used to live in the answer is probably no. There we had 1 bus a week into the local market town and back by lunchtime. I found out a while ago that even that has gone - and this in a village where the nearest shop is 3 miles away
This must be so worrying for you. My mum was 200 miles away but thankfully I had no problems getting her to accept help and she is now 0.5 miles up the road in a residential home. I did go behind her back and made an appointment with her GP but wrote to him first with my and her neighbours' concerns. I wish you luck and hope you get some help soon.
Chris
Thank you all
Thank you all for your suggestions - I have told my siblings about the forum and they too are linking in and we are already talking about the LPA for Health and Welfare and have downloaded some information and forms - it's just getting mum to agree to it! She would never consider a housekeeper or anyone living in her house - she really can be extremely rude and intolerant - not part of the dementia, just her personality! She believes she is coping with everything and got very angry when one of my brothers offered to help with her mail - piles of it all over the house! Says it's all in hand! Her village has that once a week bus and she hasn't been on a bus in 60 years - I very much doubt she would do it - we need to have her license taken away from her so she has to look at other options. We have been devious in that we have spoken to and written to her GP and he is calling her in for a meds review so he can assess her. However we have hit the "confidentiality" barrier and " we can't do anything unless she asks for the help herself" It does seem crazy that we have to wait for her to be totally mentally incapacitated before we can get the help she needs. If SS turned up at her door and she realised why they were there, she would throw them out! She is an extremely proud woman and has her airs and graces! My father was a consultant and mother has never really retired from the role of the wife of a high ranking officer - even though he died 10 years ago and she has lived in civilain life for 20 years or more!! She is not the easiest!!!!
Thank you all for your suggestions - I have told my siblings about the forum and they too are linking in and we are already talking about the LPA for Health and Welfare and have downloaded some information and forms - it's just getting mum to agree to it! She would never consider a housekeeper or anyone living in her house - she really can be extremely rude and intolerant - not part of the dementia, just her personality! She believes she is coping with everything and got very angry when one of my brothers offered to help with her mail - piles of it all over the house! Says it's all in hand! Her village has that once a week bus and she hasn't been on a bus in 60 years - I very much doubt she would do it - we need to have her license taken away from her so she has to look at other options. We have been devious in that we have spoken to and written to her GP and he is calling her in for a meds review so he can assess her. However we have hit the "confidentiality" barrier and " we can't do anything unless she asks for the help herself" It does seem crazy that we have to wait for her to be totally mentally incapacitated before we can get the help she needs. If SS turned up at her door and she realised why they were there, she would throw them out! She is an extremely proud woman and has her airs and graces! My father was a consultant and mother has never really retired from the role of the wife of a high ranking officer - even though he died 10 years ago and she has lived in civilain life for 20 years or more!! She is not the easiest!!!!
Readi9ng your description of your mother, I could have been reading a description of my aunt at that stage of her illness, and your situation and reaction is just as mine was. I was also two hours away, I wasn't told about her diagnosis - had to wheedle it out of them - and my aunt had the same issues, and refused all help. It is a very difficult time and you have my total sympathy. I nearly didn't reply to you because I don't see a solution, but you ought to know that there is no point worrying about what you should do when there is very little you can do. I did put pressure on the GP to stop my aunt driving, and I did steal the car keys, but other than that I felt I had no option but just let her manage as best she could until there was a crisis. It seems it is often an admission to hospital that 'allows' people to help. It really isn't easy.
