desperate

turbo

Registered User
Aug 1, 2007
3,852
0
Hello janice 1, I hope you and your sisters will not rush into anything. So many posters on here have had to put a loved one into a care home. However hard it seems you should give your mum and the care home a fair trial period.

Turbo
 

scared daughter

Account Closed
May 3, 2010
587
0
Oh Janice, you have been through the mill, I agree with your husand, let your mum settle and visit once things are calmer, you mum is safe and she just needs to settle (((((hugs)))) I just know my ,um will react like this, we are looking at her having to go into a care home and it is all so wrapped with guilt and stress ((((hugs)))
 

Christin

Registered User
Jun 29, 2009
5,038
0
Somerset
Dear Janice, I have read through this thread and I am so sorry. I think the emotions you and your family are having are entirely normal, we are still going through them although they are subsiding.

Each time we visit my FIL he asks when we are taking him home, each time we tell him not yet, the doctor says he has to stay there until he is stronger. We do, however, firmly believe that the home he wants to go to is not the home he has left. The home he wants to go to no longer exists, it is possibly the home he shared with his parents, or his wife. Sadly all those relatives have died and what he wants is quite impossible.

The NH manager and staff tell us that FIL is absolutely fine when we are not there. However, some memory is triggered when we visit.

Please, you must give your mother and the home more time. By all means give them all the information you can about your mum, even little bits that you might think don't matter. For FIL one of the most important things to begin his day is to have two hankies, and he wouldn't comtemplate doing anything until they were in his pockets. Give the home a list of how your mother likes her tea, etc etc. Spend some time on helping the home get to know her better.

My very best wishes to you all. x
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,447
0
Kent
Dear Janice

Big decisions should never be made in a heightened state of emotion and this is where you and your sisters are at this point.

Your mother`s condition is as good today as it will ever be. She has a progressive illness which might produce even bigger challenges than you have faced so far.

You and your sisters are fragile. You have suffered and are still suffering. If your mother`s behaviour was too challenging before she went in the home it is unrealistic to imagine it will improve if you bring her home now.

Let her settle. Suggest your sisters stay away for a while and give the care home staff a chance to build a relationship with her.
 

DeborahBlythe

Registered User
Dec 1, 2006
9,222
0
Please, you must give your mother and the home more time. By all means give them all the information you can about your mum, even little bits that you might think don't matter. For FIL one of the most important things to begin his day is to have two hankies, and he wouldn't comtemplate doing anything until they were in his pockets. Give the home a list of how your mother likes her tea, etc etc. Spend some time on helping the home get to know her better.

My very best wishes to you all. x

Excellent advice from Christin, Janice.

It's all very well for your sister to make big plans for your mum but it's not OK if those plans rely on you taking on an unreasonable, untenable commitment.:(

Focus on what you think you can do whilst your mum is in the care home, to make that arrangement work. And remember, she is safe there. Visit when you feel able, but if your husband thinks you should hang back a bit, then that sounds like sound advice. He knows you best.
Very best wishes.
 

Onlyme

Registered User
Apr 5, 2010
4,992
0
UK
I would also worry about her being agressive. She has already shown that she is not afraid to strike out and will do so again.

The Mum that you see is not the Mum that would never lift a hand to you, this is the dementia monster in your Mum's body. Even if you all pitch in and share her care she will still be trying to 'go home' to a previous home and will stop at nothing to get there as she has proved. A person in the way will not be enough to stop her and you could be putting yourself in danger.

Please wait for professional advice.
 

janice1

Registered User
Sep 22, 2009
140
0
up north
my lovely husband

my husband dave, didnt want me to go to cov last week, he knows and has to live with the detrimental state of my mind, when i suffer depresion. he works away all week, so i spend a lot of time on my own. he worries about me,


he says let the girls do what they think is right, but that for my self preservation it is best for me not to see mum in this bad way. my sisters say, no its not about you, its about mum,

i will be no good to myself or any one if i fall down the black hole, they say that the 2 of them cant manage on thier own, i dont think i would be any use feeling how i do. my husband just wants me to be secure, and i am in my life by the sea. how selfish does that make me sound
 

BeckyJan

Registered User
Nov 28, 2005
18,971
0
Derbyshire
Dear Janice:
I do feel for you.

Is it worth putting a proposition to your sisters. That is to give your Mum six weeks and get the Care Home to assess her during that time.

Then arrange a meeting of all involved, including Care Home Manager/senior carer, GP, Social Worker if there is one and yourselves, plus recommendations from the Consultant. Then ask for a frank discussion about your Mother's ability to cope in the outside world - how safe would she be etc.

That might give everyone time adjust to the situation and decide with clear minds what action should be taken next.

Its lovely to hear you have such a supportive husband.

Best wishes
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,447
0
Kent
You are not selfish Janice, you are being realistic. You will be no use to anyone if you feel forced to go against your instincts , through emotional blackmail.

Dementia is a terrible illness. It eats the heart out of us. We owe it to ourselves, those who depend on us and the one with dementia , to look after our own health and well being to the best of our ability.

If that is being selfish, so be it.
 

janice1

Registered User
Sep 22, 2009
140
0
up north
time

my sisters want mum home asap, i do understand but its the practical side of things that will be difficult, as i type they are fighting to get her home. whilst i agree in principle, i agree that mum just needs time to be assessed in the care home,
 

Jo1958

Registered User
Mar 31, 2010
3,724
0
Yorkshire
Janice, hi
Not selfish at all, realistic and very sensible if you ask me.
Taking your mother out of the home and trying to care for her by rota is a very risky solution to a problem that could go on for years and years.

My heart goes out to you as you face the pressure from your sisters, I hope that you can get through this and stay as good, supportive friends as you will need each other.

You have had some wonderful thoughts on this thread from people who have been through similar situations, I hope you can take support from them.

Take good care of yourself, you are so right to do that, with kind regards from Jo
 

carolsea

Registered User
Feb 22, 2010
147
0
South Yorks
Oh, bless you janice, and your poor sister too. I can sympathise with how you're feeling because I've just been through the same sort of thing.

My Mum refused to get out of the car and viciously told me she'd never speak to me again if I left her at the new care home, but when I visited the following day she was fine, all smiles and happy to see me.

Some days she asks to go home, but doesn't know where 'home' is any longer. I spoke to her CPN about it and he reassured me that when I wasn't around she was content. It was just seeing me that reminded her of 'home'.When I leave she forgets all about what we've said to each other and happily sings on the karaoke machine!

I'm sure the situation will be much the same with your Mum and she will quickly forget that she was upset and settle into her new routine.

We can only do what we know in our hearts to be the right and safe thing for our loved ones. You could not keep your Mum safe at home no matter how hard you tried, because you can't be 'on duty' 24/7.

Hope things get better for you really soon.

Carol
x
 

chucky

Registered User
Feb 17, 2011
968
0
UK
janice, you are the only one being sensible here. Dont let your sisters push you into something, you feel, will be detrimental to your health.Dont let yourself be manipulated. Of course you agree in principal, but the reality is, your sisters dont seem to realise that given time, they too will accept the decision to keep mum where she is. How do they know she wont settle if they dont give it time to try. It is wrong of them to put you in a situation that will make your health suffer. If you truly feel within yourself that you dont want this DONT DO IT. Its time for action, not reaction. Making decisions when you are fraught with emotion is not a good idea. Its all too raw just now, step back if you have to before you boil over. If your sisters are hell bent in giving up after 24 hours, let them. If you are made to do this you will resent them and this could divide your family. Follow your own instincts, hard as it is, you will get through this .xx
 

littlegem

Registered User
Nov 11, 2010
837
0
north Wales
Hello,
Do you mind me asking just what are your sisters objections to your Mum being in a care home?
It seems unreasonable to me to put your dear Mum at risk, and if the health care professionals agree she would be at risk I do not understand why your sisters would want her at home.
I do hope your Mum is placed in the best place for her wherever that may be.
Take care.
xx
 

janice1

Registered User
Sep 22, 2009
140
0
up north
sisters

they want to take mum home cos mum keeps begging to go home, the sw said he thought that where they chose for mum was not right, it is a place for people much futher along the dementia path from mum. now they want to bring her home. mum is a wanderer and vulnerable
 

Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
5,379
0
NW England
Oh Janice, I can’t believe the turnaround from where you were last night to now.

Are your sisters aware that some people beg to go home even when they ARE home?

You are doing remarkably well maintaining some logic in the situation. So difficult at such emotional times – and yes, your own mental health is paramount in all this too. If your sisters place you under too much pressure you’re not going to be able to help with mum’s care at some point? I do hope you can get that message across without a ‘family fallout’.

Kindest regards, Karen, x
 

janice1

Registered User
Sep 22, 2009
140
0
up north
consultant

the consultant has assessed mum, she said that mums cognitive function was more impaired than when she first saw her. her main concern for mum going home was her safety. she is having a meeting with the mental health team on tuesday, and we will go from there, mum has respite funding for a month, so in the meantime hopefully things will settle down and mum will gradually accept the situation
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,442
0
they want to take mum home cos mum keeps begging to go home, the sw said he thought that where they chose for mum was not right, it is a place for people much futher along the dementia path from mum. now they want to bring her home. mum is a wanderer and vulnerable

And that is really the stumbling block - she's a wanderer, which will mean a locked facility which often does mean that many of the residents are further along the dementia path. Not necessarily, but it's quite possible.

I'm wondering if your sisters are prepared to take action if she tried to wander if she were at "home"? They need to understand that not only is it extremely likely that she would wander in that situation, she may become violent if they attempt to stop her.

As others have said - when someone with dementia asks to go "home" it probably isn't their most recent home.
 

janice1

Registered User
Sep 22, 2009
140
0
up north
consultant

the consultant who saw mum today said her mental capacity was more impaired than last time she saw her. the mental health team will meet next week, they will decide where mum goes. the decision has been taken from the family, we will have input, but our mums safety is paramount, my sisters are devastated, i feel that she needs to be in a place of safety and that is not her own home
 

florence43

Registered User
Jul 1, 2009
1,484
0
London
Oh Janice,

You're not being selfish at all, and neither are your sisters. Sounds to me like three scared daughters who want to do the right thing for their mum, but "right" means something different to each of you. I know that with my sister, there are times we want to approach things in different ways and I get so afraid that if I don't agree with her, there'll be a rift between us. After losing dad and going throug the gradual loss of mum, I couldn't bear to be without my sister. But we've not faced anything as big as this, and when mum had to go into the nursing home, we both instinctively knew there was no other option. I did all the reading (TP), all the research on what to expect (TP) and got the best advice on how to handle the changes (TP). My sister just learned what she needed to know through me. But I suspect I'm one of the lucky ones in that respect. Siblings fall out, walk away, disagree when facing the soul-destroying rippling effects of this illness. It must be awful for you to have to worry about is on top of your mum's deterioration.

I think what Jan says is spot on. We were told to leave it for a "settling period", which is the norm for most Homes, because, after all, they see this day in and day out. They know what methods to use and how to approach the situation. Sadly, if your sisters went in and moved her now, I fear it would impact your mums decline further. She has been moved from her house, to hospital, to a Home and the distress and confusion of this alone can contribute to a rapid decline. Another move (back home) could bring on a further downturn and make her behaviour and associated risks much, much worse.

Then there's you. What good would you be, caring for her needs at the detriment of your own health? It would only leave your sisters to cope alone, which is what they're trying to avoid. But how to get them to see this? I don't know. Right now, they're desperate too, and logic flies out the window at times of crisis.

Can you imply that you will "do what you can" (which you will), and that you completely understand what they say and why they say it, reassure them that you want to support them, and want what's best for mum, of course. Subtly say you are a little worried about your health and finances, and that you'll try your very hardest to work with them...BUT...can they agree to give it some time? Have a deadline. 6 weeks is reasonable and should be successful, if it's a good home. Then the meeting. With professionals. This will help elevate all the pressure you and your sisters have been feeling about making the right decision. You will have more information by then, plus advice based on the relationship they will have with your mum by that time.

Could they bring themselves to not visit for 2 weeks? It's torture (for us) but makes the settling so much quicker and easier for the sufferer. So the right thing is not always the easiest thing. In this case, it's the most painful thing in the world, but all of it worth it if it helps your mum.

I feel for you and your sisters so much. I wish I had the power to transport you forward in time, just a few weeks, when your mum has settled, got to know the staff, maybe even made some friends at the home. Then you and your sisters will be in better mental and physical shape to be able to spend quality time with her, without the strain of full time care.

Keep posting, and hopefully soon, we'll see a little light at the end of the tunnel. But we're right by your side (and your family's) as you go through the tunnel. :)

Lots of love,