my sister has just called me sobbing. she has visited mum in the care home. mum is wearing several layers of clothes, her bag is packed with all her things, she is so unhappy and distressed, we dont know what to do, she desperatly wants to go home, she is in in a terrible state, mum has always be so strong willed, would it be ethical to medicate mum to stop her wandering and get carers plus the family to keep her at home, i know we are delaying the inevitable but its heart renching for us HELP AND ADVICE NEEDED
desperate
- Thread starter janice1
- Start date
Dear Janice
Let the staff at the home sort it out. It`s what they are there for.
When my mother went into a home, the staff had to phone me at work the next day, she was in such a state . She thought she was in Spain because her holiday suitcases were still in her room.
I didn`t visit until the end of the week and let the staff settle her. She was fine.
Let the staff at the home sort it out. It`s what they are there for.
When my mother went into a home, the staff had to phone me at work the next day, she was in such a state . She thought she was in Spain because her holiday suitcases were still in her room.
I didn`t visit until the end of the week and let the staff settle her. She was fine.
I am so sorry Janice, am I right in thinking you live a long way from mum? I seem to recall Coventry in another post, sorry if I'm mistaken.
I think that one possibility is talking to the home about how they are looking after mum at this distressing time. They should be able to reassure you. I am not sure bringing her home would help things, although it may be something you want to explore. I remember how traumatised we were when mum went into a home, it didn't solve all our problems overnight. I can only send you sympathy and hugs. I've been a long distance carer and it's hard, you feel so helpless & so far away & it can cause tension with siblings- I hope you are not having to deal with that. Please take care of yourself x
I think that one possibility is talking to the home about how they are looking after mum at this distressing time. They should be able to reassure you. I am not sure bringing her home would help things, although it may be something you want to explore. I remember how traumatised we were when mum went into a home, it didn't solve all our problems overnight. I can only send you sympathy and hugs. I've been a long distance carer and it's hard, you feel so helpless & so far away & it can cause tension with siblings- I hope you are not having to deal with that. Please take care of yourself x
Hello Janice:
This is dreadful for you and your sister but your Mother was wandering from the hospital etc. etc. She is still trying to 'go home'.
No its not ethical unless the MH Consultant feels he can reduce the agitation with ? anti psychotics. My husband was similar although his mobility prevented great escapes - he has a minor dose of Quetiapine.
I think this is a phase your Mother is going through and it will happen wherever she is. I advise you or your sister ring the Consultant and explain what is happening and how worried you are about it. (Even better if one of you could see him/her).
This is dreadful for you and your sister but your Mother was wandering from the hospital etc. etc. She is still trying to 'go home'.
No its not ethical unless the MH Consultant feels he can reduce the agitation with ? anti psychotics. My husband was similar although his mobility prevented great escapes - he has a minor dose of Quetiapine.
I think this is a phase your Mother is going through and it will happen wherever she is. I advise you or your sister ring the Consultant and explain what is happening and how worried you are about it. (Even better if one of you could see him/her).
Hi Janice, it is a very hard time, don't be too hard on yourselves, it's even more important now to stick together as much as possible, and understand you will deal with things in different ways.
Sending you wishes for strength & comfort, please pass this on to your sister(s) too if they know you are with us on TP.
This part of the journey is still very difficult & heartwrenching.
Lots of love, Necion. xx
Sending you wishes for strength & comfort, please pass this on to your sister(s) too if they know you are with us on TP.
This part of the journey is still very difficult & heartwrenching.
Lots of love, Necion. xx
Janice, love, this is still very early days for Mum in the unit. You and your sisters must be guided by the staff until they can get Mum stabilized. You know that medicating her down so that you can keep her at home is neither right nor proper, otherwise you would not be talking that way. She is in need of professional help just now and you and your sisters must step back and let them do their job. Yes it hurts, we all should be able to care for them ourselves, but the honest answer is we can't do it all ourselves. Give them a chance and talk to the home staff about whether you as a family should stay away for the first few days. Sending you all love, Maureen.x.
Janice, firstly take a deep breath and calm down. This is only the first day, of course your mum is going to be unsettled, and of course you and your sister will be too. I reacted in the EXACT same way,, god you wouldnt be human if you didnt feel it. I know that it feels as if your hearts been ripped out and youve made a huge mistake YOU HAVENT. I was even contemplating storming the CH at 2am one night because i was beside myself with grieff. I punished myself far more than anyone else could possibly know and it was the most distressing,traumatic and heartbreaking thing ive ever had to do. The advice i got was this, my dad has a terminal illness that will never be cured no matter what i do or say. If that ilness was physical as in cancer or some other horrific terminal illness would i remove him from hospital NO. In my experience the first few weeks were the worst and i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy, but eventually upset or not we have to do what has to be done. Its for your mums safety, which is paramount. All you can do just now is try and support one another, dont make rash decisions when youre heart is aching, try to see it (as i said before) as the next chapter and face evry day as it comes. You will get through this i promise you that. I never thought i ever would but i did as have many others. Keep talking and dont bottle anything up, cry, sob, wail get it all out. You are doing a great job, dont doubt yourself now the decision has been made, go forward and you will find courage and strentgh you didnt know you had. I truly, truly feel for you. Take care xx
It is horrible, the panick, the knots in the stomach, feeling as if the world has been ripped apart. You have had some very good advice on this thread. No one can take the pain away but we can all understand how it feels because we too have experienced it. Try to get a good night's sleep and see how mum is in the morning. The staff have to get to know her and befriend her. Give them time.
Janice – forgive me for ‘talking straight’. You ask about ethical ......
I don’t ‘follow’ a lot of stories now on TP – don’t have the time through the day to do so.
But I recalled your mother was found on the M6. She has absconded since from hospital. She is, sadly, a danger to herself and to others. What is ethical about allowing her to continue to be a danger to herself (let alone others)?
They may not be words you want to hear – but truth – finding your mother in several layers of clothes and distressed in a place of safety is surely better than on the hard shoulder or worse? And may be ethically better than 'chemically coshing' her not to wander?
It is hard, hard reality .... of course she wants to go home, of course that’s where you want her – like I want my mother back right now, right here this minute (can you hear me stamping my feet?) but the reality is ..... none of us have wanted to see our loved ones in hospitals, in secure units, in states of distress ..... we can only do our best to achieve the best outcome and safety and quality of life for all concerned .....
Deep breaths, agreed. I am sorry if my words upset you. But the sooner reality is faced then the sooner you can make inroads to making mum feel ‘at home’ and you can start to feel more settled accepting the reality of keeping them safe is not to be ‘at home’ and the reality of a new life still loving and caring just as much as you ever did before.
I do empathise – I felt I had sold my soul to the devil when I finally agreed mum needed residential NH care, but there has to be a ‘reality hit’ amongst the raw emotion – for all your sakes.
Let the raw emotion go on TP – I know you will be well supported going through this wretched time.
Love, Karen, x
I don’t ‘follow’ a lot of stories now on TP – don’t have the time through the day to do so.
But I recalled your mother was found on the M6. She has absconded since from hospital. She is, sadly, a danger to herself and to others. What is ethical about allowing her to continue to be a danger to herself (let alone others)?
They may not be words you want to hear – but truth – finding your mother in several layers of clothes and distressed in a place of safety is surely better than on the hard shoulder or worse? And may be ethically better than 'chemically coshing' her not to wander?
It is hard, hard reality .... of course she wants to go home, of course that’s where you want her – like I want my mother back right now, right here this minute (can you hear me stamping my feet?) but the reality is ..... none of us have wanted to see our loved ones in hospitals, in secure units, in states of distress ..... we can only do our best to achieve the best outcome and safety and quality of life for all concerned .....
Deep breaths, agreed. I am sorry if my words upset you. But the sooner reality is faced then the sooner you can make inroads to making mum feel ‘at home’ and you can start to feel more settled accepting the reality of keeping them safe is not to be ‘at home’ and the reality of a new life still loving and caring just as much as you ever did before.
I do empathise – I felt I had sold my soul to the devil when I finally agreed mum needed residential NH care, but there has to be a ‘reality hit’ amongst the raw emotion – for all your sakes.
Let the raw emotion go on TP – I know you will be well supported going through this wretched time.
Love, Karen, x
Oh Janice,
You do sound desperate indeed, and desperately worried and sad. It's with some sadness to have to have to say that what you, your poor mum and your family are going through is common. This means that so many have to go through the heartache and tears to do the right thing for the safety of a loved one. Not being alone in this won't help you right now, I'm sure, but at least you know that many of us have been where you are and have allowed time to show us that it (usually) works out ok.
I remember leaving mum at the Nursing home and having similar feelings to when I left my little ones all on their own at school for the first time. The confusion on their faces, the pleading looks, the tears. I don't know how my heart hasn't broken in two with 3 little children and my poor mum, but in time any situation can be resolved for the better.
I do agree that bringing her home might be a knee-jerk (and completely understandable) reaction, but it may not be the best one all round. The pressure on your family and any paid carers would be immense, particularly after reading how your mum has been recently. I can understand that by her being home, there's a tendency to believe (to WANT to believe) that in her own environment she won't want to wander, but it's a very big risk, despite maybe being partly true.
It will take time to build a trusting relationship with the home and (like with school) you are handing over your precious loved one into someone else's care, so it's important you find someone there you get on with and can speak to often. It may give you peace of mind to put together some notes to hand over to the home, with details of your mum's likes and dislikes, perhaps some topics she might engage in over a chat. If the staff have something to occupy her when she's agitated, she may calm down without the need for any medication.
It will be therapeutic for you too, to be able contribute something at a time you must feel so helpless. Write about favourite holiday destinations, pets, favourite music or films, tv programmes...anything the staff can talk to her about. Also include a bit about the woman she was, before dementia so that they can tap into her history.
They will be trained on how to settle a new resident, and no matter how hard this stage will be for you and your family, if it's a good home, they will manage well. But it takes a little bit of time.
Do keep posting and we will try to reassure you, as you come to terms with such a difficult time. So many of us have been there, and many are there now. It will get a little easier, I promise.
Stay strong, and know that she is safer there than anywhere else right now, and that can be your focus over all the horrible emotions that you have to deal with. She is safe, and cared for.
Lots of love,
You do sound desperate indeed, and desperately worried and sad. It's with some sadness to have to have to say that what you, your poor mum and your family are going through is common. This means that so many have to go through the heartache and tears to do the right thing for the safety of a loved one. Not being alone in this won't help you right now, I'm sure, but at least you know that many of us have been where you are and have allowed time to show us that it (usually) works out ok.
I remember leaving mum at the Nursing home and having similar feelings to when I left my little ones all on their own at school for the first time. The confusion on their faces, the pleading looks, the tears. I don't know how my heart hasn't broken in two with 3 little children and my poor mum, but in time any situation can be resolved for the better.
I do agree that bringing her home might be a knee-jerk (and completely understandable) reaction, but it may not be the best one all round. The pressure on your family and any paid carers would be immense, particularly after reading how your mum has been recently. I can understand that by her being home, there's a tendency to believe (to WANT to believe) that in her own environment she won't want to wander, but it's a very big risk, despite maybe being partly true.
It will take time to build a trusting relationship with the home and (like with school) you are handing over your precious loved one into someone else's care, so it's important you find someone there you get on with and can speak to often. It may give you peace of mind to put together some notes to hand over to the home, with details of your mum's likes and dislikes, perhaps some topics she might engage in over a chat. If the staff have something to occupy her when she's agitated, she may calm down without the need for any medication.
It will be therapeutic for you too, to be able contribute something at a time you must feel so helpless. Write about favourite holiday destinations, pets, favourite music or films, tv programmes...anything the staff can talk to her about. Also include a bit about the woman she was, before dementia so that they can tap into her history.
They will be trained on how to settle a new resident, and no matter how hard this stage will be for you and your family, if it's a good home, they will manage well. But it takes a little bit of time.
Do keep posting and we will try to reassure you, as you come to terms with such a difficult time. So many of us have been there, and many are there now. It will get a little easier, I promise.
Stay strong, and know that she is safer there than anywhere else right now, and that can be your focus over all the horrible emotions that you have to deal with. She is safe, and cared for.
Lots of love,
sisters so upset
when my sister phoned last night she was so upset, i know that in reality mum is in the best place, we are all adappting to a new situation. they have been the ones who have seen our mum every day, they have carried the brunt, i have had mum here for short breaks, i am back home, i dont see mums angish,they are there at the home seeing mum distrauaght, i love my sisters and to hear my sister so upset just creased me
when my sister phoned last night she was so upset, i know that in reality mum is in the best place, we are all adappting to a new situation. they have been the ones who have seen our mum every day, they have carried the brunt, i have had mum here for short breaks, i am back home, i dont see mums angish,they are there at the home seeing mum distrauaght, i love my sisters and to hear my sister so upset just creased me
logical
my logical brain tells me that mum is safe, my heart weeps for the loss of mum and that she will never go home again, the last 18 months have been dreadful, mum is so totaly unaware that she is ill.
she sees no danger, she has been scammed out of thousands of pounds, attacked a shop assistant with a brolly, lost her sexual inabitions. shop lifted. wandered in red light areas, along canal toe paths, and last week hit bt a car on the m6. plus lots of other strange behaviours
she has been lucky not to have been raped or mugged. i know that we will all find a way to deal with the situation, my husband thinks its best for me just to let mum settle and maybe visit her at easter time
my logical brain tells me that mum is safe, my heart weeps for the loss of mum and that she will never go home again, the last 18 months have been dreadful, mum is so totaly unaware that she is ill.
she sees no danger, she has been scammed out of thousands of pounds, attacked a shop assistant with a brolly, lost her sexual inabitions. shop lifted. wandered in red light areas, along canal toe paths, and last week hit bt a car on the m6. plus lots of other strange behaviours
she has been lucky not to have been raped or mugged. i know that we will all find a way to deal with the situation, my husband thinks its best for me just to let mum settle and maybe visit her at easter time
As someone who was a long distance carer for a few years Janice I can say it is a very very hard time and to listen to your sisters crying is hard too. They will be gaining comfort from knowing that you are there listening to them and letting them let off steam and share the burden and I hope that that helps you feel you are contributing to your mum's care just by being there to talk to your sisters. Don't feel guilty that you can't rush down to Coventry every weekend, of course you can't, you have your own life and responsibilities to your husband, who I think is giving you very sound advice. Take care xx
Of course your heart weeps; this stage is part of the bereavement and many TP members understand how you feel.
Your husband is probably right, let your Mum settle but it may take a few weeks. I hope the Consultant can find some solution.
sisters big u turn
just spoke to my sister, she is not happy about mum being in the care home, she wants to put a care plan in action and send mum home.
she believes mum will be better at home. ok i do understand where she is coming from, but the care plan will involve all of us including me, staying with mum in her house, mum is so difficult,
i really do want to help, but i really dont have the funds to travel for one thing, i think mum is at risk in the community, my mental health is quiet fragile at the moment, i find that when i spend time with mum, my nerves are jangled.
i understand that mum needs our support, my sister is saying that the 2 of them cant manage on their own, and that we should all pull together.
my head says protect my own mental health, i have a history of depresion. my sisters are asking for my help, i want to help, but its such a big ask, for me to find the money and to live in mums house with her for part of the week
just spoke to my sister, she is not happy about mum being in the care home, she wants to put a care plan in action and send mum home.
she believes mum will be better at home. ok i do understand where she is coming from, but the care plan will involve all of us including me, staying with mum in her house, mum is so difficult,
i really do want to help, but i really dont have the funds to travel for one thing, i think mum is at risk in the community, my mental health is quiet fragile at the moment, i find that when i spend time with mum, my nerves are jangled.
i understand that mum needs our support, my sister is saying that the 2 of them cant manage on their own, and that we should all pull together.
my head says protect my own mental health, i have a history of depresion. my sisters are asking for my help, i want to help, but its such a big ask, for me to find the money and to live in mums house with her for part of the week
Hi Janice
Forgive me and ignore me if what I say doesn't help, but I really think you should take a deep breath and not rush into anything. Your sister sounds like she is panicking a bit, it's entirely understandable, I have been there too, wondering if it was all for the best. I understand how you are all feeling, but take some time to talk to the professionals and see how things settle. I moved my mum, as her first move happened at a time of real crisis, and she ended up somewhere that just happened to be the first place that could take her. The second move unsettled her even more and with hindsight I would have loved more time to reflect and make the choice the first time. All I am saying is that moving your mum might not improve things, and you have to think long term as well as what you can manage now. I am worried about you and your sisters as well as your mum. You are all important.
Listen to your head, it's giving you wise counsel.
xx
Forgive me and ignore me if what I say doesn't help, but I really think you should take a deep breath and not rush into anything. Your sister sounds like she is panicking a bit, it's entirely understandable, I have been there too, wondering if it was all for the best. I understand how you are all feeling, but take some time to talk to the professionals and see how things settle. I moved my mum, as her first move happened at a time of real crisis, and she ended up somewhere that just happened to be the first place that could take her. The second move unsettled her even more and with hindsight I would have loved more time to reflect and make the choice the first time. All I am saying is that moving your mum might not improve things, and you have to think long term as well as what you can manage now. I am worried about you and your sisters as well as your mum. You are all important.
Listen to your head, it's giving you wise counsel.
xx
Janice, still thinking of you. I hope you got some sleep last night and i hope your sister is ok too. Yesterday is gone now, the hardest part is over. Today and every day to come will bring new challenges that may be difficult to handle but youre on the right track. Support your sisters as much as you can, but let them support you too. Your husband is right, giving mum time to settle is hard but necessary and a visit at Easter will be something to look forward to. Caring from a distance is something im not familiar with as my family all live in the same town, but im sure its just as difficult as being close by.I hope today goes well. Take care. xxx
