just had a row with my mum

[fee]

I'm a carer for my mum who has alzheimers. We have a good relationship apart from when she needs to have a shower which she never does of her own volition. She lives on her own and I'm only 3 doors away and every time I broach the subject she gets really angry and accuses me of not believing her when she says shes done it heself.She has'nt got the insight and would have a prroblem being independent and its got to the stage where I dread going to help her as she starts shouting and becomes agressive. Ive tries everything but she even gets physical sometimes,The memory nurse arranged for a team to assess her needs so that she could get used to someone else helping as it stresses me and her out so much but when I went last night and tonight the carer who was supposed to let me know when she was visiting, had been and gone and my mum was still sat there all dirty.I got really frustrated and told her she needed to have one as her hair was really greasy and she started shouting in front of my son.I went mad and said I was going before I lost it completely and I stormed out and have been crying since as I hate to treat her like a child and I know its not her fault but I hate what its doing to her.Has anyone any advice on how to handle it as i;ve tried everything,thanks

 

[carolsea]

Oh fee, bless you!
I can't give any practicle advice as I've never been in your position,, but here's a great big hug ((((( ))))) until someone else comes along.
Take care of you, you're doing all you can.
Carol
x

 

[Izzy]

Oh Fee, not any advice but bucketloads of sympathy. I can totally understand how you must feel. Maybe you need to just take a step back and let the carers try to do it. If she's dirty she's dirty. Sorry that doesn't sound too nice does it? I just thought that it might be better to try to let the carers get to know her and maybe she'll agree to let them help her. xxxx

 

[CathT]

Please dont beat yourself up. I used to have similar problems with my mum. Would your mum be ok with a mobile hairdresser visiting? If so, you could arrange for one to call every week or so. I appreciate this is easier said than done. My mum is now in an assessment unit and the staff there have managed to shower/wash her hair today and she looks so much better for it. My deepest sympathy to you, this is a horrible disease and heartbreaking to see your beloved mother in such a sad situation. Big hug to you. x

 

[Purrdy]

Hi Fee, Sorry you are feeling down but please don't blame yourself for your mums behaviour, its a horrible disease. I live next door and I've cme to the conculsion that, thats good and bad. I do understand where you are coming from, my mum is very much the same as yours, she won't bath or go to the hairdressers. I think she's had one bath in 2 months and the only way I got her to the hairdressers was to go with her and have mine done at the same time.

After beating myself up several times and lots of crying I decided I was no good to her in my state, so I took as much time out as I could over a couple of weeks and felt better for it. I still have to go into her everyday but I restricted it to only once or twice a day and only stayed for a max half hour.I didn't tell her to do anything but I still pointed out things like how nice she would feel when she use to bath or wash her hair.
Its on going but at the end of the day I would rather her be happy and not so clean than urgue with her.
Big hugs

 

[sistermillicent]

We had to put up with mum smelling absolutely awful for a year or two, any suggestion about anything at all would be the cause of an argument, and her clothes were dreadful..

Even now when she is having baths every now and then it must be at least a year since she washed her hair, we suggest it but she doesnt do it, and it doesnt really affect us that much now. I have at last managed to improve her clothes, dad is able to wash them and I have mended some and replaced others. There was a time when she would only wear one outfit.

I would avoid the conflict, and did, rather than have everyone get upset. We just muddled through, though it was quite upsetting seeing mum like that, she didn't seem to mind.

Don't upset yourself over the row, your mum will forget it, I imagine you are really upset over your mum being ill anyway, you are doing well and are lovely to be looking after her so much.

Pippa x

 

[sussexsue]

Well I have lost it before and shouted at my mum and she is pretty easy going, as am I. Not proud of it, but not ashamed either. I am not perfect and neither is she. Just sometimes things build up and it just happens. Fortunately not very often and she soon forgets.

 

[Cookie21]

No advice, but plenty of hugs... think we have all been there. It is so hard sometimes

xxx

 

[cragmaid]

Hi Fee, been there, done that, worn the Tee shirt, suffered the guilt, gone back to apologise and she's forgotten!! I'm not belittling it, just try not to beat yourself up about it. Perhaps you could ask Mum if she'd like to go to the hairdreeser for a cut and shampoo as a special treat and you could go for coffee later. She might accept having her hair washed if it happened outside of her home. Good Luck, Maureen.x.

 

[Luapenna]

hi fee - im right up there with you on this one - we couldnt get MIL to shower for over a year - she smelt so bad that the kids wouldnt go anywhere near her - her friends disappeared (dont blame them really) any mention of water and she would go into a real rage with everyone. In december she fell and broke her hip - and whilst in hospital they showered her - when we brought her home - i got SS involved and for the last 6 weeks we have a carer who come in and showers her in the morning (this is due to end tomorrow - so who knows what will happen) but she has now become obsessed with showering and also insists that we shower her before she go to bed and sometime she wants to wash at lunchtime - such a turnaround !

Good luck to you - dont beat yourself up - love and hugs to you xxx

 

[Canadian Joanne]

We also went through a horrible smelly time with my mother. It was a nightmare getting her to wash and change. Sometimes I got desperate and told her she stunk. I also would tell her to smell her armpits and even got her to sniff her underwear - she looked at me and said in a surprised tone of voice "It smells". Yes, Mum, just what I was telling you.

I would give her the option of a bath or a shower - sometimes just having that choice helped. But at one point I was reduced to going into the toilet with her and getting her to wash whatever was exposed at the time.

I found this an incredibly hard and frustrating phase - I also lost it with my mother more than once. That's what happens when you're human.

 

[Souffle]

Hi Fee, yes I have "lost it" with my Mum more than once, you feel really bad about it don't you but like the others say they soon forget, so don't worry - its like a safety valve I think, it has to blow every so often, and we are always the better for it the next day. My Mum will not shower but loves a bath, we have a bath chair that raises her up and down from occupational therapy, she was reluctant to be naked in front of me at first but that doesn't bother her any more and she really looks forward to her weekly baths. She has her hair done at the Day centre, so I don't have to worry about that - is thee anywhere your Mum could have her hair done locallly to you? Perhaps ask your SW. You can also get them bathed - I used to take Mum to the Salvation Army who did a bathing service before I got the bath seat, or you may be able to pay a carer to do it or get that service provided. Just some thoughts! Love Souffle

 

[cragmaid]

Just thought, some care homes may be able to take Mum in for a bath/shower, or at least give you advice. Give them a ring.

 

[Katrine]

A day at the spa!

A very nice care home I visited recently offers assisted baths, and hairdressing and manicure (depending on the day booked). This is as part of what they call 'day visits' which also include the visitor in activity sessions and lunch. So much nicer than calling it a day centre. Visitors call it a day at the hotel, which is what they mostly think the care home is. Ask around; I hope you find somewhere suitable.