Coping with the death of a parent

[Martc11]

After 8 years of Alzheimer's, my Dad passed away in the early hours of 17th Jan. The illness had become progressively worse over the last 18 months and he was eating and drinking less and less over the last 6 months since going into a Care Home. Eventually, his body gave up the will to live a couple of weeks ago.

I feel sort of numb - rather emotionally stunted in a way - which is unusual for me. I have cried - when I said cheerio at the Chapel of Rest a week ago. But since then, leading up to, during and since the funeral, I've felt increasingly detached from reality. I took on the majority of the organisation as Mum was at sixes and sevens. And I've brought her to stay with me and my family since the funeral, which is creating issues I didn't expect.

Mum is struggling and her grief is manifesting itself both emotionally and physically. So at a time when I feel I need to be with just my family and overcome my own thoughts and come to terms with things, my focus and I hate to say - my impatience - is focussed on my Mum, when she really needs as much love and understanding as is possible. She is getting bouts of involuntary, almost violent shaking, she's been sick, has no appetite and is repeating the same things, comments and thoughts over and over.

I feel dreadfully selfish. I went to the Doctor this morning about a blocked ear and ended up crying like a baby in the surgery for the first time for a week. Not that the Doctor did or suggested much as a result and not that I invited her to do so to be honest, but maybe an indication that I need to speak to someone outside of the immediate family about my own feelings. Not just about Dad but about me, Mum and why I'm feeling a range of negative emotions

I don't know - I feel as though I'm rambling a bit here but I'd be interested in how other sons and daughters have coped in similar circumstances. It's not as though Dad's passing was unexpected. I knew it was imminent. But I'm not sure why I'm struggling to get things straight in my mind and why my patience and energy is lacking so much. I've tried to be strong over the last 2 weeks. I've shut myself off emotionally. But I feel very low right now.

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Dear Martc11, I'm very sorry to read about the loss of your father.
That's a big blow and a very recent one.
It's not surprising that your emotions are 'all over the place'. You have your own grief to go through but your mum's needs and those of your family are I suspect, pressing hard on you.

Would it be possible to get some outside practical and or emotional help for your mother? A GP might be able to prescribe something at least for her sickness and shaking. It very much sounds as if you need some time and space to yourself urgently.

Take care, Deborah

 

[turbo]

Hello Martc11, I am so sorry to hear your sad news. Your dad's death is so recent and what a shame your GP was so unsympathetic. Is there another GP at the practice who may be of more help.? You have a lot to cope with at the moment and must be worried about your mum aswell. It sounds to me that you are not in the least bit selfish and no one would expect you to be strong two weeks after your dad has died. Please try and get some help.

Turbo

 

[sunray]

no time to grieve

Hi there, it sounds as if you have had no time to grieve for your Dad and your Mum's grief is impacting on you and your family now.

When my Dad died on 2nd January 2000,I came home from the hospital, arranged the funeral, went on caring for my husband with vascular dementia and stroke damage from five strokes and my Mum with Alzheimers. I did not have time to grieve although sometimes I felt broken inside and incapable of feeling anything but frustration and anger.

Then in May we put Mum into respite care for two weeks and went on holidays and the first day we were away i sat on the beach and cried for two hours. That seemed to be the breaking time and after that things improved.

So my recommendation is go to a favourite spot and let it all out, shout, wail, cry, whatever you usually do to let it all out. In my opinion you can'tgrieve if you are too busy looking after others, it needs to be done alone.

Sue.

 

[pippin_fort]

All I can say is thatt my Mum died a year ago tday and I have been crying like a baby all day. Everyone says that the first of everything is the worst and I can understand that. You need to be kind to yourself and you must not do anything you don't feel like doing even if othher's who have not lost parents think that you should. Also I wish that I had been for counselling earier than I did. I did not go for my first set of 6 sessions until the end of August i.e. 7-8 months on. I now feel i need another ot of counselling, but have avoided anti-depressants so far. Unfortunatley in my case I had 2 parents with dementia, but very different forms and i am now left caring for my Dad with no other family around. I also have young children which makes life super hard. All I can say is be as patient with your Mum as you can be. She is hurting and will not be with you forever. However and most importantly be kind to yourself and try to think what your parents would have suggested you do in another set of circumstances. I recently went on a carer's course where I met some lovely people with very different backgrounds. What it taught me was that whatever form of disability all carers have a strong bond because we all have the same issues. See what is available locally. I send you my love and a huge hug.

 

[lin1]

Hello.
Am sorry to hear that your Dad has passed.
You have had to deal with so much and be strong at a very difficult time .

I do think your mum should see the gp her reaction seems quite severe and may need some help to get her thro this awful time .tho perhaps not the gp you saw .

You might find it helpful to contact an organization called CRUSE you can find them in the phone book or online .they are there for anyone who is suffering from bereavement .

Try to be kind to yourself , you and your mum are suffering so much .but do try to get your num to gp xxx

 

[Martc11]

Thank you

Thank you all for your kind messages and support - they are valued.

I apologise for not responding sooner but things have moved on a little and it appears that the situation has got worse before it will improve. On a positive note, I have started counselling sessions and my initial impression is that they will provide an excellent avenue for exploring my own thoughts, feelings and emotions.

However, Mum was admitted to hospital yesterday and it turns out that she has a very nasty urine infection, crackles on her chest and low oxygen levels. This explains many of the physical symptoms that manifested themselves since Dad's funeral least weak - symptoms I'd attributed to delayed shock and grief. I'm trying not to beat myself up too much about not recognising the signs earlier but I'm just thankful that I called the ambulance when I did as she'd been sleeping for 15 hours solid and even when I woke her she was going back to sleep as soon as I left her alone. I knew this wasn't right. In many respects, save for the impatience and subsequent guilt I was feeling as described in my initial post, it's a good job she was staying with us as she would not have been able (or willing) to contact a doctor or ambulance had she been by herself. In fact she was so confused she thought she just needed more rest rather than medical attention.

I've never seen her with so many tubes. But at least she's in the right place. It does feel like one thing after and another though and I am exhausted.

I hope you don't mind me offloading here; just writing this stuff down does help.

Martin

 

[lin1]

Martin
Offloading is part of what TP is for. We all need to at times

Am sorry to hear that your mum is ill ,I hope mum recovers quickly
When you can, please let us know how mum is.

So glad you have councelling and its helping .

 

[Blue19]

Missing Dad

Hello Martin

My Dad died on 23 December 2010. He had vascular dementia following a stroke two years earlier. He was in a Nursing Home.

I can so relate to your feelings. I knew the end was near for my Dad but the shock was still there. I comfort myself that he's now thankfully at peace but the loss of the him, the physical him, just breaks my heart.

The funeral arrangements kept me busy but now the funeral is all done, I'm a bit at sea.

I send you my very best wishes

 

[steviel]

Loss of my father

I have not visited the sight for nearly a yr as my father passed away last April, however I feel today that I need to.
My Father was taken into emergency care 5 months before he died as he was wandering at night. Prior to that I cared for him, visiting him everyday and feeding, dressing and helping him, with little or no help from social services. Initially I felt a freedom after he died, guiltily, but now I feel at a great loss as he was such an enormous part of my life everyday and I am struggling to fill the enormous void it has left.
I have a loving young family and I am in the process of orgainising the scattering of my Fathers ashes, I have had to do this as my siblings are just not interested !
I wish I could find something that would fill my void, any suggestions ??
Stevie
x

 

[sussexsue]

My dad died 20 years ago, suddenly and unexpectedly from a heart attack aged 69. The problem about the death of a parent is that you effectively lose both parents as the surviving one can change beyond all recognition.

My mum would phone up at all hours crying and screaming with grief. She became very mean with money (totally out of character). She required an amazing amount of support from my brother and myself. I was doing a 200 mile round trip almost every day to see her for nearly 4 months (not easy with 3 young children that needed dropping off and collecting from school).

As her recovery started she began joining various clubs, some of which were successful, some werent. However I dont think from the moment my dad died that she was ever truly happy again.

So where did that leave us, her children. Firstly my grief had to be put on hold. I still had a life, partner and family. Mum had nothing so we had to be there for her. But what really hurt was that she never acknowledged that I was upset about losing my dad (we were very close). Her loss and grief were all that mattered. Dont get me wrong, I am not blaming her at all. That is just how it was.

20 years on I no longer get upset about my dad dying. Mum now has AD and lives with us. Sadly with her family around her the illness denies her any happiness. The long term affect on me is that I just dont think I feel things as much as I used to. Some emotion is probably locked away somewhere.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. It is all very new and the pain of loss takes a very long time to ease. But with time it does.

Sue (((hug)))

 

[jc141265]

How to cope?

Hi Martin,

I lost my Dad after 12 years of dementia on January 19th, so I guess I am a couple of days behind you on this new path.

Just writing to say I understand how you are feeling. My mum has also been living with me since Dad died, I think, although she won't admit it, that she is a bit scared of going home to 'their' place, knowing that his absence will really hit her then. Thankfully, Mum hasn't got the physical problems your own Mum is suffering, and on the whole she seems to be coping quite well, but I can't help but feeling day in and day out that she is teetering on the edge and I know I have to be supportive, but it is very draining, when as you say, I am trying to deal with my own grief as well.

I've been thinking about that since reading your post and I think maybe part of the reason it can be hard for the children of dementia sufferers to cope at this point when one parent dies is because you kind of feel that you have been having to be strong for so long for the sake of the surviving parent to help them deal with the illness of their spouse, that when Dad or Mum finally does pass, you kind of expect that 'now' you can grieve, but before you get a chance to you suddenly realise that you still can't, you still have to be 'holding up' for the surviving parent.

Something I used to get frustrated with when Dad was alive was how everyone in the outside world would constantly ask me 'How's your father?'. This question although full of good intentions drove me crazy because it wasn't a question I could really answer truthfully without freaking the asker out 'Well gee, he can't speak, he can't voluntarily move his limbs, he wears nappies...no actually he's fine!'?? All these years, and I have never been allowed to actually tell people how shocked or how distressed I was about the actual situation.

What wryly amuses me now, is that there is a new question. Nobody ever asks me 'How are you doing Natalie, how are you after your father's sad passing?', instead the question I am getting day in and day out, sometimes several times a day is, 'How is your mother?' And once more, it doesn't matter how I am, and once more, what can I say to them? Sometimes she seems fine, sometimes I worry in the morning that she might have found some way to end her own life and I don't breathe easy until I see her walk out of her bedroom door.

I would like some time to just cry and cry and cry. But I can't do that to Mum. Even though I know my grief is huge, I have my own life, Dad has gone and I am devastated, but I have a job and a partner, and although I will be sad, I will get through this in time. My mum though? I don't know I worry what is she going to do now, she's 65 and has lost the only man she has been with since she was 16. A man she has lived with, who has depended upon her completely for the last 3 years. She was never a working woman, so Dad was her life. I don't know whether she is going to be able to face decades of life without him.

So I want to grieve, the child in me resents that I don't get to grieve, but the adult in me, knows that no matter how much I loved him, and even if Mum loved him less than me, her life is so utterly ripped apart by his passing, I am somehow going to have to be understanding, caring and try where I can to help her find meaning in this new life she is facing.

So how am I coping? I have decided to give myself grieving moments. At the moment it is happening on weekends the only time I get to have a bit of alone time. I find ways of getting out of the house away from Mum for a bit and then I cry, or get on TP and type out my emotions. My plan is to schedule my grief as silly as that seems. It needs to be let out, I can't let it out all of the time or in front of Mum all the time (though I think her seeing a bit of my crying occasionally might help her feel less alone so I do that moderately in front of her sometimes), but I think it is a MUST that I regularly give myself that time each week. Hopefully that will allow the pressure of grief to release enough again and again over time, so that it doesn't cause the damage it could to my life if I tried to bottle it up for now.

That's my thoughts, maybe a similar approach could help you? Maybe the counselling is one way of doing that.

Best wishes and I am so sorry for your loss.