very new user

[Groundnut]

I dipped my toe into your forum yesterday and couldn't write everything that had been happening to my mum as I was too emotional. My mum is 87 and at the moment is being very hurtful. She is scared and upset and wants to die. She is telling anyone and everyone not to talk to meand that I am the worst daughter etc etc. She doesn't want to see me anymore and says that I should be put in prison for what I have done to her. She thinks that I steal her milk, paracetamol, duck in orange sauce and whatever else she can pin on me. I have experienced the normal confusing conversations and listening to the same complaints and fears repeatedly and have learnt to deal with the more disturbing behaviour. Over the past couple of weeks or so she has been asking my sister to travel up so she could divulge the things that I have been doing. My sister complied on a number of occasions but now understands that mum is confused and is delusional. She now doesn't come when mum calls and has learnt the hard way.I have cared for my mum for physical ailments for over 10 years and now the mixed up cognitive stuff is taking it's toll. My mum has locked me out of her heart and even looking at me is too much for her. It feels like I have lost her already. Up until recently I was told by my siblings...just don't go then, or by my brother who flew off to Florida last week, all you and mum needs is to see more faces more often so I will try and come more often. He has visited three times in 12 months. This outpouring is only just touching on what the reality is. I have so much whirling round in my head I feel like it's me causing the problem. The more I write the more whirls round and it's all coming out a bit disjointed. I feel I have to keep saying sorry. I have been reading different threads on this site and consider that the stage I am at is really not so bad compared with what others are going through. So thankyou for letting me rant. I hope this makes sense. As I was writing the warden phoned, mum has hidden her antibiotics. The district nurse has been and has had to go without giving her meds and
can I go round and help sort it out.

 

[Jakkles]

Dear Groundnut
You sound just like my sister when she was looking after my mum. From being the most loved she became the most hated person on the planet. It was a wonder she didn't have a breakdown. The things she was accused of stealing - teastrainer (fell down back of worktop), other titchy things.
I think you need to start thinking about a care home if you cannot get any homecare for your mum. You MUST look after your own wellbeing, ask for a carers assessment & maybe respite, keep a diary of incidents so you can show the kind of abuse you put up with. I know that deep down you want to continue looking after her but neither of you is happy, this disease robs us of our loved ones leaving the physical presence only. You are not ranting - this forum is for people who need to tell our stories.
Take care,
Jakkles

 

[Logan]

Hello Groundnut,
I hope that being with TPers here will help you. It has certainly given me an added strength to know that my instincts, feelings, observations are right and not to be put down by "others". So stay here and I am sure you will receive replies to give you care, compassion and support. Lx

 

[Necion]

Dear Groundnut, sending you a warm welcome to TP. You will certainly find lots of support and advice here.
Sending best wishes.
Love, Necion. xx

 

[lin1]

Hello groundnut

Your post brought tears to my eyes, all of us here understand only to well.

It does help to read other peoples threads doesnt it.
It also helps to write on here and read replies.

Im wondering if mums meds could be put somewhere , where the nurses would know where to find them but are also out of mums sight/reach

 

[Jancis]

Hello Groundnut,
I am so sorry to hear your story. I actually think what you are going through is severe mental cruelty, although your mother is not responsible as it is her illness causing her to hate you at the moment. My sister in law is going through a similar nightmare right now on a daily basis, and her mum is physically cruel to her too (SIL lives with her mum). She never remembers her outbursts of course and does have reasonably good days now she's on new medication.

I'm sure Kassy is right and that this phase will not go on for too long, although it must be devastating for you.

Are you getting enough support from the health and social services? Perhaps not, as you have sought support from this forum? Do they understand that your mum's illness is making her like this?
All the very best,
Jancis x

 

[Groundnut]

feeling better

Hello Everyone,
I hope this reply gets put in the right place. When I just logged on again I was overwhelmed by your responses. It was like getting a lovely unexpected hug. I can't thankyou enough for making me feel so much better in mind, body and spirit. Will write again soon.xxx

 

[Helen33]

Dear Groundnut,

Yes, your reply is in the right place and you'll soon get the hang of how it all works Have you checked the responses on your other thread? I placed a link on the other thread that you might be interested to view.

Love

 

[Groundnut]

Kassy
Wow, that was a big hug. I send one right back. I now have a large grin on my face. xx

 

[Gabrielle-amie]

Angry mum

Dear Groundnut, I had some trouble sorting out this site too and am still not confident. It is good to be able to share our concerns and stress isn't it? My husband is nowhere near as bad as your mother, but the signs are there. I do hope your family realise what you are going through and give you a bit more help. Try to find some space for yourself. It helps. Big hug.

 

[Gill66]

Accusing Mum

Hi Groundnut

I am fairly new on here too, but these forums are a godsend. It's just nice to know you're not the only one going through this and that there's always someone to talk to.
My Mum shows signs of this, although not to the extent that you are suffering. I get accused of stealing her money, her food...Also of moving things. She is very quick to tell me how good everyoone else is to her!!!
Hang in there. You know deep down your Mum loves you dearly and if she knew what she was doing and saying she would be horrified.

 

[Christin]

Hello Groundnut, I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. I am sorry if I have missed something but has your mother had a care assessment? Have you had a carer's assessment? You are entitled to one! This proved a godsend for us and we were allocated a support worker for us.

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=131

I hope you are able to sort some help out for you and your mum very soon.

 

[johnpatcarl]

Sounds familiar

Hi groundnut it is just the condition you will have to get used to it, before my wife was diagnosed she thought i was keeping her imprisoned, she accused me of having affairs she would shout out of the bedroom window to passers by to rescue her she accused me of stealing all her money despite the fact that everthing we had was in joint accounts. I remember being very upset and considered packing my bags. Now it is over three years since she was diagnosed those problems have gone and been replaced by others there is no easy way of saying it but the mom you have grown up with is no longer there. You have to let lots of things go over your head you never stop loving them and the fact that you still love them has to take on another role i have to say this is my experience and others might think different. Please do not worry the mom who would never have said a bad word to you is still there she just is not able to let you see that part of her. My thoughts are with you you are not alone love and best wishes john

 

[Groundnut]

I want to thank everyone again for their suggestions and best wishes. My story with my mother is and has been complicated.I get tied up in knots trying to write it down. Unfortunately, it has been quite difficult over the past few days dealing with the mayhem caused with nurses, wardens and carers. I will try and respond to suggestions when I can but it's all just a bit too much at the moment. I do understand that it is a condition that I need to get used to. On good days or when you are not tired it isn't so bad, but I am not in the right frame of mind just now.

 

[Helen33]

Dear Groundnut,

Sometimes it is all too much. Talking Point is here for you as and when you wish It sounds like mayhem and I know how much energy it all takes at times.

Love