Dads behaviour making me uncomfortable

[VickyH]

I am 26 and live with my dad as his main carer. I have recently seen a change in his behaviour towards me which is making me uncomfortable. I feel embarrassed to talk about it but would really like to know if anyone has experienced something similar or got any advice.

In the past month or so dad has started to grab or smack my bum if I walk past, and last week he even wolf whistled at me. He is constantly trying to get my attention, which is something he has always done, but his attitude behind it seems to have changed. I feel really bad saying it but he seems almost creepy. I have had a few nightmares about it. I have a lock on my bedroom door and tonight dad tried getting into my room. I feel bad because when I went out to see what he wanted he had switched his light off by mistake and was confused how to get it back on so needed my help, but I have to admit my heart was in my mouth and when I got back in my room I cried because I realised I'd been scared of him.

My sister who helps out a lot told me that dad had been quite suggestive toward her this weekend just hone too. As his main caters I just think he has lost the connection of who we really are to him.

His condition is quite bad now and we have started looking at homes, but more as a future preparation and I feel like anything new might just be me subconsciously trying to find a reason to move it on quicker. Dad is ready in pretty much every way for a home other than the fact he is stubborn and I know he will kick off and be really upset by the prospect of moving so have been trying to put it off as long as possible.

I just don't know what to do!

 

[littlegem]

Hello,
To be honest it doesn't sound safe for you.
I personally would look at homes or failing that have a word with his GP and see if he/she thinks this phase will continue or maybe there is something the Doc could give your Dad.
It cannot be pleasant being scared of your own Dad.
Take care and keep your door locked until you have sorted something out.
xx

 

[Onlyme]

Could he mistaking you for a girlfriend or your mother? It does sound scary and I hope you manage to find him a place soon.

 

[cragmaid]

Vicky, I would be unhappy about this behaviour, which certainly seems innappropriate. I would continue to use the lock on your door, but perhaps you could use some sort of device, like a baby monitor type of thing so that you can hear if it was a real need and not just a looking for company. I see you have been on TP for a while, but have you or your Dad had care assessments done, and do you have a CPN,failing that I would speak to your Dad's GP and seek further advice. You may have a local office of Alzheimers society who could also come out and give you some pointers. I would start the home hunting process sooner rather than later as It can take a while to find the right home anyway. Good Luck and keep us posted. maureen

 

[CaPattinson]

Hello Vicky, I don't think you should be living in fear all the time. You say in all ways he is at a stage where he is ready to go in a home then maybe that's the next step? I hope you sort this out very soon, you have your welfare to think of as well as your dads. Yes keep your door locked and think seriously of finding a suitable place for your dad. Good luck xxx

 

[Sandy]

Hi Vicky,

I remember that your dad was a young onset sufferer. Forgive me if this has been covered before, but does your dad have Fronto-temporal Dementia (FTD)? It is one of the most common forms of dementia in younger people and can often include loss of insight and loss of inhibitions (including sexual inhibitions):

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=167

I also include the link to the factsheet on Sex and Dementia:

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=129

I think that you should urgently contact his consultant to discuss this further.

Take care,

 

[Nanak]

My Grandad (THE most mild mannered, private man) used to make suggestive comments to carers and actually propositioned my sister (with graphic details of what he wanted her to do). She was mortified and it actually stopped her seeing him for a while. When my Mum told him off he didn't think there was a problem.
I can't offer any advice per se, but it does seem time to think about moving your Dad somewhere for both you and your sisters safety. Don't feel bad for thinking this way. Its not his fault but you do need to feel safe.
Nanak
missing what has gone and scared of what is to come

 

[nicoise]

Hi Vicky H,

Unfortunately inappropriate sexual behaviour can be one of the aspects that emerges with dementia....

Here is the Society's factsheet, and although most of it refers to partners, the basics are the same in tackling a difficult situation:
http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=129

I doubt that your dad realises you are his daughter when he is like this - it is the disease talking. However, it isn't something you should have to put up with.

Perhaps contact Social Services to say that you are finding the caring situation intolerable and need to look at an alternative?

Best wishes - you are so young to be dealing with any of this...

 

[VickyH]

Thanks for your replies. Dad is an early onset sufferer, he is only 56. I have mentioned FTD to his CPN as I felt that he had a lot of the symptoms, but she said that since hes never reacted badly to the aricept that it's more likely to be alzheimers and that a lot of the symptoms of both are similar. I will read the sex and dementia fact sheet tomorrow. It might give some helpful pointers, or at least make me feel a bit more normal about the situation.

I know I shouldn't be living in fear, but feel really stupid for feeling that way. I just feel so guilty at the thought of putting dad in a home, especially if it's because I feel uncomfortable looking after him rather than it being because he needs it. I think I'd just feel ridiculous if this was the reason that he had to. I know that it's all part of his condition, but at times that makes me feel worse as I feel this means he won't know his boundaries! If I tell him to stop it if he goes to grab my bum he laughs and seems to act as though I'm just being playful, he really doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. I'm hoping it's justcanother phase and he gets out of it.

I think I'll take your advice and contact his CPN about it tomorrow and see what she suggests.

 

[cragmaid]

Please don't ever feel stupid for being fearful. Fear is one of our self preservation responses. It is necessary. You are not giving up on Dad, you are actually looking for better care so that you can start being his daughter again instead of being his carer. Good luck tomorrow.x.

 

[zoet]

Hi Vicky. My dad went through a phase very like this. It started with the odd comment which left me feeling he was thinking I was his wife.
As his disease progressed he began to make a grab for my bosom or bottom and I found this really difficult. It stopped when they increased his Aricept. There are other meds that work too for this sort of behaviour. In my opinion I feel its down to three things:

1)they forget who you are; you are familiar and they know they have some sort of loving relationship with you and jump to the conclusion you are wife. this can change from hour to hour or even minute to minute as they recall your relationship then forget again.

2)they lose their inhibitions; a very common aspect of dementia, which renders them unable to percieve innappropriate behaviour, or judge social etiquette and relationships

3) they miss loving contact, especially a sexual relationship; as dementia progresses often these relationships dwindle for all sorts of reasons and they simply miss the comfort of contact, touch and intimacy they once had.

Its very difficult for you both (he may at certain times realise how he is ascting and be ashamed)but I found it best to stay calm, keep your voice gentle but firm and then say"no" in very simple terms.
Use humour if you can such as "What are you up to now you charmer! Im your daughter and you havent smacked my bum since I was 6!" (that sort of thing).
Keep it light unless he becomes insistant or agitated, in which case you must be clear and firm in your resistance, and speak to his Dr straight away. Write every instance down and show it to the Doctor who deals with your dads care. Believe me, he definately does NOT mean you any harm, but he is too confused to understand.
I know how you feel, and sadly, it is something that I have never been able to forget, because, like you say, it feels creepy and wrong and very unlike your beloved Dad. Dont be scared, he is still your dad. There are ways the Doctor can help this so dont give up just yet. creeping around at night is also not a good thing; perhaps the Doc could address that too. Good luck.xx

 

[VickyH]

I contacted my CPN to let her know about this development in Dads condition. She aid that she was glad that i had told her and that its something we should monitor, but hopefully as his condition progresses he will get past this phase. She told me that she doesnt think there is any medication or a change in his current medication that could help unfortunately.

She was concerned as he has female carers that have now started to help him with personal care in a morning, but i have spoken to his main female carer, who is the same age as myself, and she said that dad hasnt been suggestive with her in any way or made andy suggestive actions or comments towards her. I know he asks his carers for a kiss when they are leaving, but it is in more of a friednly manner, and i can see the difference in the way he can be with me sometimes.

I suppose all i can do is keep locking my bedroom door on a night and see how things progress, and maybe keep a record of these things to show the CPN at our next meeting like suggested. Hopefully it will change soon, and just be another stage of his condition that i get used to.