care home

[patricia1958]

My mum has Alzheimer’s she was diagnosed last June they said that she has had it for at least 10 years. My mum has lived with us all our married life 31+ years she may not have been the easiest person to live as she was a strong willed person and in some whys still is with but the Alzheimer’s it's like the last straw its only after they diagnosed it that you realised how some of her behaviour fits in. I give up my job when she before she was diagnosed as the pressure of work and what you were walking into after work was to much running hot taps, gas left on doors front and back left open and her out off the house you didn’t know if she had just left or had been out all day so something had to give and it was my job. Just before Christmas was really hard, sleepless nights mum up 3 or 4 times each night fully dress thinking its a new day, my husband and daughter then having to face a days work it was telling on us all. The social worker came to assess mum and between us we thought best to look at care homes. Its not a choice taken lightly and again you then have more sleepless night worrying if its the right decision, are if the home we chooses will be the right one and as for crying well I am sure everyone who reads this understands. My husband and I have been to see numerous EMI care homes. Some were good and some were bad it has been a hard and upsetting job to do having star ratings counts for nothing and the lack of understanding of some of the people working in the care home is unbelievable. It has been distressing to see the residents in the care homes and to see how mum will end up with the residents at different stages of Alzheimer‘s. I wish that there was a place to be able to find out more information on the care homes I mean from the families of the people in them I have looked at the homes on the internet I have visited them and I have read the council reports but some times you would like to speak or even read about them from family and friends of the residents in them. If I was buying a car or going on holiday you can go to sites and review them independently from people like ourselves and then make are decisions but this is such a big decision I am making on someone else behalf who can't make that decision themselves its so wrong. It is hard not to let your heart rule you head. I some times feel that I may be throwing in the towel to soon and when my mum has her good days I feel so bad but I don’t know how long my family can go on I know the guilt won’t go away but I must think of my family and my mum and try not to forget myself as I won’t be much good to any of them If I become ill with stress.

 

[together]

Hi, I can sympathise with all you say and feel so sorry for you too. Am in the process of moving Mum to a home, she and Dad (who's 91) live a distance away so have no first hand experience to draw on in their area. Have made a decision but as many people have told me if it is the wrong choice we can always try and change, nothing is definite. Visited again today (before a transfer possibly this week from hospital) and am trying to remain positive. Good luck, Katherine

 

[patricia1958]

Thank you Katherine for you kind words. Good luck with your mum let me know how she gets on. I don't even know how to get my mum to a care home when I find one suitable. I can't even talk to her about a care home she just loses it, stamps her feet and leaves the room are carries on watching the TV screen ignoring me. Her sister is in assisted living and is very happy I know a care home is different but you do have you own little space that can be made comfortable but no she just thinks her sister is in a care home living with her sisters (all the other residents). When I speak to other family members mums siblings etc all they can say is they are 100% behind me they don't want to be involved but sometimes I need their support even just to talk it over are maybe to come to the care homes and give their views but never mind Alzheimer's isn't easy for anyone neither the person who has it are for the people who have to watch there loved ones with it. Thank you Patricia

 

[sleepless]

Dear Patricia,
You may find that just a 'feeling' about a place will decide. It's hardly ever possible to find the perfect home, but you will know which ones are a 'no'. The staff are the most important element -- when we visited the care home dad's in, they were friendly towards us, and we liked the way they interacted with the residents.
Also, we were lucky in this, as we waited to be shown round, a family stepped out of the lift and I asked them what they thought of the home, were they happy with it? When they were only too glad to recommend it, I felt even better.
I'm sure you will settle on a place for your mum, and you will know she is being cared for, you can visit her, but protect your family life too.
regards,
sleepless

 

[patricia1958]

Thank you sleepless

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Patricia

You sound dredfully alone in all the decision making. Have you been caring for your mum without any support from Social Services [SS]?

I wouldn`t discuss residential care with your mum. If she has had dementia for 10 years she will not be able to enter into a logical discussion may get hold of the wrong end of the stick and become even more anxious and confused.

But it would help you to have some support from SS and your mum`s GP.

When my husband went into a care home I told him it was convalescence and to build up his strength. I know I wasn`t being truthful with him but he was able to accept this.

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Hello Patricia, I hope that you are able to move your mum successfully.

When I was looking for homes for my mother, I used to try and speak to the relatives and also the residents if possible and if not too intrusive.

At one home a resident in a wheelchair came whizzing after me, having replied once slightly non-committally to me, with a follow-up thought. 'I think your mum WOULD be happy here, I think she would enjoy it'... The food is very nice!'

I tried my damnedest to get my mum into that home but because they weren't registered for dementia, it wasn't to be. I still feel sorry I couldn't swing it for her.

I don't think guilt ever entirely disappears, but there are ways of viewing things which help to dampen it, especially when you see your mum settled somewhere and your own family thriving.

I'd say go back and talk to residents and relatives if you can, or.. and this is a long shot, some homes will have minutes of residents'/relatives' meetings that they might share. CQC reports are also a source of information worth considering, although it is best to check how long ago they were written.

 

[patricia1958]

Thank you all for your replies. My mum does have a social worker when its was very difficult before Christmas I had to get in touch with the social service. He did send a list of care homes which we checked but I was surprised that some were terrible and it makes you wonder if they bother to check these home out before they send the lists out to people. I do have fantastic support from my husband, son and daughter I don't know what I would do with out them. My husband and daughter also have to live with mum and it affects them as well. Today is a bad day for mum she is really moody thinks that my husband and I are not married and coming out with some terrible things thinks he is my boyfriend and she isn't happy with that. Lets home tomorrow brings a better day.

 

[patricia1958]

what do I say?

Hi we have now decided on a CH for mum and my sister is coming up on Saturday and we are going to try and move mum in then but how we are going to do that is worrying me I can't speak about the ch to mum she doesnt want to know. Has any body any suggestions as to what we can say to make mums move to the home a little less upsetting. My head is all over the place at the moment and I just feel sick.
Mum just carrying on in her own world at the moment she is obsessed with her finance she keeps going on about it thinks to needs to remove money from bank and then wonders were the money has come from I think she thinks someone in the bank is giving away free money. I go to bed thinking about what is being done and get up with mum in the night a few times last night and as my head is full of this find it hard to sleep and up in the morning with the same thoughts and mum well at the moment she is looking for her boots god knows were she has put them but it keeps her busy for a while. Look forward to your replies.

 

[Onlyme]

Hi

I have read various posts of the relative being told that some work needs doing on the house, the heating needs fixing (perhaps you could turn it off the day before), there is a problem with the water, their medication needs sorting out, the Dr has said they need to rest for a few days.

I think its a case of picking one that your mother would accept and then running with it. Mine always thought Dr were Gods so I used the Drs orders excuse.

Good luck and be aware it may take her 3 months to settle. Ask the staff if you should go in or leave it for a week after you move her there to let her get used to it.

Let us know how you get on.

 

[BacardiGold]

My head is all over the place at the moment and I just feel sick.

I know exactly how your feeling. Unfortunately we had to take the decision to put Mum in a residential home and the thought of what to tell Mum was absolutely agonising - I couldn't sleep, when I did sleep I woke up having panic attacks, felt sick. Anyway we came up with (in the scheme of things just a smallish white lie)that I would be having to go away for a little while on business ( I often went for the odd day) Mum seemed to accept this no problem and seemed to understand that she couldn't stay at home without me and expect Chris (hubby) to put her in the shower etc.

That was 4 weeks ago and I still have those horrible guilt monsters in my head (I'm sure they'll be there for a long time to come) but Mum seems to be settling in, we've had the odd tear and I miss you but on the whole she's doing okay.

I hope you are able to come to terms with your Mum going into care and that you can find a way of making the move easier and as "onlyme" says its a case of picking something your Mum with accept.

Good Luck

 

[patricia1958]

Mum moves in to care home

Mum moved into the care home on the 26th February and I think i will never forget that date. I put together a letter asking mum to attend the assessment centre for her bloodpressure tablets and she when with myself and my sister we had a lovely morning my sister who lives a distance away came to go with us again we told another lie. We went in with mum and the assistant carried on with what i had said she was there for when my sister and i had to leave we give mum kiss and said we would be back she said that she had to go home to the assistant took mum to another room and mum went ok and my sister and i left. To say it was the hardest thing i have ever done is an understatement im sitting here with tears that dont seem to stop and i dont know what to do. I left it a few days and yesterday i went to see mum with my friend who was so supportive.my husband cant come as he seems to upset mum she thinks we are not married etc. when we got to see her she was doing a quiz didnt see us i went over put my hand on her shoulder and she looked up and then put her head in her hands
we moved over to a table to sit around and she was so sad whating to know what she had done why she was there she wasnt staying long it was terrible i was lost for words my friend so good made reasons why mum could come home. After a while mum said for us to go not to stay tolong and didnt come out with us to door stayed on in the room with the other people the place that she said would drive her mad and said that she felt sorry for the other peopleim going again today bringing my friend again im a coward to go on my own i feel sick sad i dont know how long i will be agle to cope with all this feeling of guilt it is the worst

 

[sleepless]

It is very early days yet, please try not to feel so bad about what you have done to help your mum.
You say she was sitting doing a quiz when you arrived, and that sounds positive.
Six months on, I still find myself wishing dad was still in his own home, but I know it was no longer possible. He has settled (after a difficult first week) and I'm sure your mum will, too.

 

[BeverleyY]

Hi Patricia

Feel so sorry for you.

My Dad still lives with us and I know the day will come. I've tried respite twice and feel guilty enough leaving him for just a few days.

You're not a coward. You're a caring, loving human being!

Most people would never have their parents living with them - let alone for their entire married life!

I really do wish you and your Mum all the best.

Beverley

 

[patricia1958]

2nd visit

thankyou for all your replies I have been back today to see mum and it went a lot better mum even said at one stage she was content. She even showed my friend and i her room and how nice it was and the lovely trees outside her windows and she was talking away to the staff and even giving them a kiss on the cheek it was lovely to see. Mum even showed us to the door with the member of staff and went back to mainroom with her. I left the carehome like a different women it was still so sad to leave mum behind but she said she was content i could not ask for more. I will write again soon i know it will be like a roller coaster ride up and down thankyou all again for your support