One year on Sunday

[Roma]

Can’t believe that it’s one year on Sunday since my lovely mam died. It just seems like yesterday since I sat with her day after day watching as she slowly faded away, unable to eat or drink. It was truly the worst time of my life and the memory of it is still so strong.

I think of her every day and the only thing that helps the grief is knowing that she’s at peace now and with my dad in whatever form that may be.

I have lots of regrets wishing that I’d done this or that differently, but I know I can’t turn back the clock.

As I was clearing through some of her things I came across a 1976 diary she’d written when she was 41. I’d have been 13 at the time. I think my brother gave her the A4 diary for Christmas that year. The diary wasn’t one in which she put her private thoughts, but mainly everyday things that we’d all done as a family. Reading it brought back such lovely memories, but the main thing for me was that as I was reading it I could hear her voice speaking the words. The amazing thing about that is that she lost her language skills with this awful illness so any conversations I had with her were just nonsensical. So hearing her voice in my head as I read the diary was so special as I felt she was back with me again and free from the restraints of Alzheimer’s.

I will be taking some flowers to the Garden of Remembrance where her ashes are scattered and reflect on the good times she spent with her family.

Thank you TPers for all your support over the years when I needed to offload. Your kindness has meant so much and it really helped knowing that everyone on this site was going through similar experiences so I never felt alone. It’s just so sad that this illness even exists and hopefully one day in the not too distant future there will be treatments or even a cure and future generations won’t be blighted with this debilitating illness.

Love to you all and strength in the coming days for those of you who have lost someone recently.

Roma xx

 

[maryw]

Dear Roma, so glad the discovery of the diary brought back good memories. The bad ones do become less harsh over the years. Wishing you peace on your Mum's first anniversary xxx

 

[Lynne]

Hello Roma, I'm pleased your Mum's diary helped to bring back into focus memories of happier days, pre-dementia.
Whilst we are 'caring', the illness takes over our whole lives and every waking thought, sometimes making it difficult to remember the real Mum whom we had for so many years before.

Like your Mum, mine was a practical diary-keeper - mostly notes about what she did in the garden, voluntary work etc. - and they bring back to life in my mind the vibrant person she was, as compared to the little shadow of herself which she became.

I know my brother, who is in Australia, has found similar comfort from re-reading her letters to him (over 40 years worth!)

Best wishes

 

[terryberry]

I lost my nana at the beginnig of the week, she suffered dementia since her late 50's, she was 75 when she passed. This has been the worst thing i have ever been through, she didnt know us, she too stopped eating and drinking till she was too weak to fight anymore. Like your mam she lost the ability to talk and even walk, she has been a shell of her former self for so many years, but so difficult to see. sitting with her when she passed and not being able to help her, i just am finding this so difficult to deal with. i feel i have let her down.

 

[christine_batch]

Dear Terryberry,

So sorry to hear of your loss. On Saturday it is two years since Peter passed away with Alzheimer's.

It has gone so quickly and does not seem two years.

I have gone back through six years of the diaries I kept. As was am a disabled Carer, I know in my heart I had done my best.

Wishing you all the best
Christine

 

[Roma]

Thank you Mary and Lynne for your replies.

As it was such a lovely bright day on Saturday I decided I would go to the crematorium that morning rather than Sunday, which was officially the anniversary. I also decided I didn’t want to be by myself so my other half came with me. After we’d taken some flowers to the crematorium, we went for a lovely walk along the beach. It was very cold but so bright and sunny. I think the weather helped to lift my mood and I didn’t feel so sad.

I now want to move forward and start remembering her before the Alzheimer’s. I know I won’t ever forget what she went through but I don’t want to keep dwelling on it either as her illness was only a small part of who she was and I have so many more happy memories of her than sad ones.

Roma xx

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Dear Roma, I'm very glad the sun shone for you on Saturday and that you found some solace in nature. I am sure that your mum's diaries will become priceless to you, reminding you of the tremendous person she used to be.

After my mum's death we found some diaries she wrote in the 1950's full of notes about material she had bought to make clothes for us, and things she had cooked. Then another little notebook about a visit to renew acquaintance with friends in Vienna: a trip she made alone after my father died. All the galleries and museums the friends took her to, and even the names of performers in concerts as well as the pieces played. Debates in her mind about what to buy the friends as thank you presents and so on.

I think what is especially nice about these mementoes is to realise the love and care she took over us, and the pleasure she gained from friendships. Like you, I could hear my mother's voice in her diary and the familiar curve of her handwriting brought her back so immediately. I wonder if there will be so many golden mementoes for the future generations now that everyone texts or blogs or emails one another instead of writing things by hand? Even a phone call was a carefully considered luxury in my mum's day!

I hope the year ahead brings you more comfort and peace.

 

[Roma]

You're so right Deborah about future generations missing out on such simple pleasures like reading old letters and diaries. Texts and e-mails just aren't the same are they.

When we moved house 3 years ago I spent a full day looking through old letters and notes that my other half had sent me before we lived together. It was so nice opening up the envelopes and reading the handwritten sentiments on lovely thick paper. They just feel more personal than anything typewritten.

Roma x