This is so hard!

[Claire]

Mum has now gone into a care home permanently, and although I know it is necessary, I find it so hard. Through the last few years when I have been stressed I have found myself longing for this freedom, but now that I have it I feel as if I have let her down. I know I can't give her the 24 hour care she needs, and that she is forgetting who I am - I've been her sister for some months now, but I find it heartbreaking when she asks if she can come home soon. She has been so dependent on me, and now I can't be there for her all the time. I suppose this is just another stage in the grieving process, and I'll get used to it. Oh how I hate this disease which destroys so many lives! How I hope they find some cure soon to save others from this pain.

 

[Brucie]

Hello Claire

yes, it is so very hard, but you will admit - in time - probably the best thing for her needs.

So, for now, just visit and act when with her as if the place is your home too. When you leave her each time, tell her you are off shopping or something and will be back soon.

Make it all seem the most normal thing in the world.

....but don't feel guilty!

 

[Sheila]

Hello Claire, Brucie is totally right, don't feel guilty at all there is still so much you are still doing for her even if she is in a home. It doesn't matter who she thinks you are when you visit, my mum thought I was her cousin when ever she was pleased with me, (when she was having "a bit of a go" she always knew it was me she was yelling at or thumping though) so I often felt like you do right now. Its the little things now, quality time and little treats when you go to see her. Do a life story for her of all the things that were special to her and bullet point them so that any of the staff can use them as prompts for meaningful conversations. A photo album with little captions is good too but make sure it has her name plastered all over it. A little card in the post, the occasional delivery of flowers from the florists or a parcel to unwrap will all help her feel loved when you are not there. I did this when my mum was in hospital. All these things and lots more you will come up with will keep you close and help you be part of her life still. Never feel you are not doing enough, you are doing plenty it's this ruddy illness, gets to us all.
Love She. XX

 

[Rosie]

Hello Claire , This is an arwful time for you , when my mother first went in to be "assesed " it seemed like the end of the world . All the feeling of guilt , anger , hopelessness came to the fore . My mother was 60 yrs old when she was admitted to long term care , I still remember crying myself to sleep thinking what an arwful human being I was to let this happen . But the family had gone through turmoil trying to cope and not being able to . that was 5yrs ago , my mum deteriorated quite quickly and now needs 24 hr care . I visit whenever I can , I hope and pray that there is still some recognition there that when I visit I may remind her of someone from her past . But there is little response now , but I will continue to go and play her fave records and chat about everyday things . Because at the end of the day she's my mum and I love her deeply and miss her so much . Try to keep strong . take care now Rosie.

 

[naomi]

mum

my mum also went into care recently.The home is lovely and they love her to bits.I feel guilty too as I hated taking her into care but it was what she needed.24hr care.My mum was a very dignified lady and my best friend.This disease has robbed me of my mum and bestest friend.I miss her so much.

 

[Sheila]

Oh Naomi, how I know what you mean, I'm crying as I write cause I lost my mum 6 weeks ago. In some ways this SH12 illness is the worst to see your loved one endure because you feel so Bxxxxx helpless! My mum was the same always there for me and it is just SO hard. I can only say what I always do myself, love her and remember the good times, got to go geyt a tissue,
Love She. XXX

 

[Claire]

Thanks to everyone who has replied. I know it is the right thing, for her and me, but she seems so lost and upset sometimes that all I want to do is take her home. The home is nice and there are plenty of staff, so I'm not worried about that. One thing I am pleased about is that she has made a friend. I now find myself visiting both of them at the same time, as they seem to be inseperable.

Claire

 

[Jude]

Dear Claire,

I'm so glad to know that your Mother has a close friend in the Care Home already. It will be so comforting to her to have somebody of her own age to chat to every day.

When my parents were in Close Care accommodation, their apartment was attached to the Nursing Home and I used to go over and help with the afternoon teas and chatting to the residents. They were such wonderful people and had some marvellous stories to tell to anyone who had the time to listen. I learnt an awful lot from these 'oldies'.

I hope your Mother makes a lot more friends in the weeks to come.

Best wishes,

Jude