So sorry to hear of your loss Rachel, I am dreading the same happening to me as I have had a similar relationship with my Mum, being an only child and my Mum has suffered with mental health problems and depression all her life, developing AZ about 6 years ago now I think. I too think like maryw that perhaps there is something in a possible link? But who knows - anyway we do take on too much responsibility for their lives, simply because we always have done (me since age 10) and its very difficult to shed the habit of a lifetime - they are our responsibility, and no-one can tell us any different! But at the end of the day maryw is right, they are adults and before they got dementia they were responsible for their own lives and feelings, so we must try not to feel guilty but its so hard! I know when my Mum passes I will feel exactly the same, and regret every harsh word and cross thought, but it will get easier as time passes Rachel, you are in the early stages and must not be hard on yourself. Kind thoughts Souffle
Lost and lonely.
- Thread starter Rachel T
- Start date
So sorry to hear of your loss Rachel, I am dreading the same happening to me as I have had a similar relationship with my Mum, being an only child and my Mum has suffered with mental health problems and depression all her life, developing AZ about 6 years ago now I think. I too think like maryw that perhaps there is something in a possible link? But who knows - anyway we do take on too much responsibility for their lives, simply because we always have done (me since age 10) and its very difficult to shed the habit of a lifetime - they are our responsibility, and no-one can tell us any different! But at the end of the day maryw is right, they are adults and before they got dementia they were responsible for their own lives and feelings, so we must try not to feel guilty but its so hard! I know when my Mum passes I will feel exactly the same, and regret every harsh word and cross thought, but it will get easier as time passes Rachel, you are in the early stages and must not be hard on yourself. Kind thoughts Souffle
Thank you so so much for all your kind words.
I had such a bad day yesturday and you were all so kind and helpful to me.
It is early days and I know there will be more bad days to come but I have decided to do something I haven't done for a long time and to book a holiday to my favorite place in the world Cornwall. For too long I have had nothing to look forward to and perhaps doing something positive will be good for me, and my husband too. Not only has he had to cope with my mums decline and death he had to cope with his own mother's death from cancer last March.
I know I will feel guilty but hopefully by the summer it won't be as bad as it is now.
Thank you all again for being there, I hope I can be there for you all if you ever need me.
Hugs and Kisses xxxxx
I had such a bad day yesturday and you were all so kind and helpful to me.
It is early days and I know there will be more bad days to come but I have decided to do something I haven't done for a long time and to book a holiday to my favorite place in the world Cornwall. For too long I have had nothing to look forward to and perhaps doing something positive will be good for me, and my husband too. Not only has he had to cope with my mums decline and death he had to cope with his own mother's death from cancer last March.
I know I will feel guilty but hopefully by the summer it won't be as bad as it is now.
Thank you all again for being there, I hope I can be there for you all if you ever need me.
Hugs and Kisses xxxxx
Oh Rachel,
You've done the right thing. Take it from someone who tries to see the positive in any given situation, we may have had different upbringings, different lessons, and different mums, but we are both daughters who have lost / losing a mother. You need a break, you need something to look forward to and you need a life that's yours to own. You can make your own rules, and just see how they turn out.
The first holiday I had after losing dad, I went to my favourite place which is Menorca. It is a home from home, and I can't tell you what a tonic it was. I knew I deserved to be happy. I had regrets, but only wishing that I had spent every day since birth, telling my dad how thankful I was, wishing we'd never argued EVER, wishing that I could have been there every day during his illness. So I was realistic, told myself I'd led a "normal" life as a daughter who was stroppy in her teens, independent in my 20's, and happy in my 30's. I couldn't have been any different, and neither could he. Guilt was no good for me, and got me nowhere. Our lives and our relationship were what they were. How they were meant to be. It was what it was, just like him dying so young. I wanted to be angry, because I wasn't ready to lose him, but it WAS what it was.
If I can ask you to try, please look at the really big picture. Your mum's depression and then, later illness, were not your fault and nothing in the world could you have done about them. It was what it was. They were the cards that were dealt. Now, as you come to accept the loss of your mum, you still have time to shape your own life and ask yourself how you want to feel. Then...you go out there and find ways of feeling it. If you feel a sense of happiness....leave it there. Don't allow the negative thoughts to over-shadow it.
I do understand about feeling guilty. I couldn't believe I could laugh aft dad died. I even found myself singing in the car, and would instantly stop as soon as I noticed. I was scared dad could see me and would think I wasn't sad or didn't care. Bu then, it became clear that this was ok. Dad had been released from his pain and the existence that made him so miserable, and in a way, so had I. But this is where we differ. I believe dad would be smiling cheekily if he saw me singing! He'd laugh along if I laughed. I was fortunate that he was never depressed, and was always joking. But the point remains that there is a better way to live, and that has to be with happiness and love in your life.
I don't mean to make it sound so simple, because I appreciate I can't relate to living with depression, which is an awful illness to contend with. I just want you to feel that in time there is hope. I want that for you.
Do enjoy Cornwall. I hope to hear all about it, so do keep posting and do let us offer what support we can, even if mine is often a load of "airy-fairy-I-want everyone to be happy-piffle!!!
You've done the right thing. Take it from someone who tries to see the positive in any given situation, we may have had different upbringings, different lessons, and different mums, but we are both daughters who have lost / losing a mother. You need a break, you need something to look forward to and you need a life that's yours to own. You can make your own rules, and just see how they turn out.
The first holiday I had after losing dad, I went to my favourite place which is Menorca. It is a home from home, and I can't tell you what a tonic it was. I knew I deserved to be happy. I had regrets, but only wishing that I had spent every day since birth, telling my dad how thankful I was, wishing we'd never argued EVER, wishing that I could have been there every day during his illness. So I was realistic, told myself I'd led a "normal" life as a daughter who was stroppy in her teens, independent in my 20's, and happy in my 30's. I couldn't have been any different, and neither could he. Guilt was no good for me, and got me nowhere. Our lives and our relationship were what they were. How they were meant to be. It was what it was, just like him dying so young. I wanted to be angry, because I wasn't ready to lose him, but it WAS what it was.
If I can ask you to try, please look at the really big picture. Your mum's depression and then, later illness, were not your fault and nothing in the world could you have done about them. It was what it was. They were the cards that were dealt. Now, as you come to accept the loss of your mum, you still have time to shape your own life and ask yourself how you want to feel. Then...you go out there and find ways of feeling it. If you feel a sense of happiness....leave it there. Don't allow the negative thoughts to over-shadow it.
I do understand about feeling guilty. I couldn't believe I could laugh aft dad died. I even found myself singing in the car, and would instantly stop as soon as I noticed. I was scared dad could see me and would think I wasn't sad or didn't care. Bu then, it became clear that this was ok. Dad had been released from his pain and the existence that made him so miserable, and in a way, so had I. But this is where we differ. I believe dad would be smiling cheekily if he saw me singing! He'd laugh along if I laughed. I was fortunate that he was never depressed, and was always joking. But the point remains that there is a better way to live, and that has to be with happiness and love in your life.
I don't mean to make it sound so simple, because I appreciate I can't relate to living with depression, which is an awful illness to contend with. I just want you to feel that in time there is hope. I want that for you.
Do enjoy Cornwall. I hope to hear all about it, so do keep posting and do let us offer what support we can, even if mine is often a load of "airy-fairy-I-want everyone to be happy-piffle!!!
Thanks Annie as always what you say makes a lot of sense.
Just like you were when you lost your dad I am afraid to laugh out loud in case she can see me and thinks I don't care. I really thought I was the only person to think like that. You don't know what it means to know I am not alone in my thoughts.
What you said about being happy that they aren't in pain anymore is so true. As sad as I feel that she has gone I also feel happy she will never suffer again.
If there is an after life I like to think she would be with her parents with no illness's and happy.
When she was in her late teens and early 20's she enjoyed going out to dance's and the cinema, visiting London to do shopping living the normal young persons life of that era for a short period before depression ect set in. She once told me she was such a differant person to what she become, sadly I never met that person. I think that person would have wanted her daughter to enjoy herself, to not feel guilty about the past and to do all the things she was never able to do.
I really do hope if there is an afterlife she is that young carefree girl, "The Bell of the Ball" dancing away to the sound of the big Jazz bands.
Just like you were when you lost your dad I am afraid to laugh out loud in case she can see me and thinks I don't care. I really thought I was the only person to think like that. You don't know what it means to know I am not alone in my thoughts.
What you said about being happy that they aren't in pain anymore is so true. As sad as I feel that she has gone I also feel happy she will never suffer again.
If there is an after life I like to think she would be with her parents with no illness's and happy.
When she was in her late teens and early 20's she enjoyed going out to dance's and the cinema, visiting London to do shopping living the normal young persons life of that era for a short period before depression ect set in. She once told me she was such a differant person to what she become, sadly I never met that person. I think that person would have wanted her daughter to enjoy herself, to not feel guilty about the past and to do all the things she was never able to do.
I really do hope if there is an afterlife she is that young carefree girl, "The Bell of the Ball" dancing away to the sound of the big Jazz bands.
Wow! I have goose bumps after reading your reply. I don't know why exactly but I have them on my cheeks, right down to my feet!
I think you've touched on something, which is so positive, and is your choice to take. Maybe you just need time to allow yourself to believe it and agree that it's ok to think this. It's such early days, so you'll still have many ups and downs but when you described your mum as a young woman who could embrace life, without guilt, without fear of criticism, I think you may be describing the woman she really was, and would have been, had depression not taken hold. Like so much of mental illness, depression is often shunned or not regarded as illness, because it's not physical. You can't bandage depression, or use crutches or a sling to help improve it, there is no ointment to put on depression, and I imagine in your mum's day, there was very little support in terms of therapy etc. Probably a "keep quiet and put up with it" attitude. So the illness remains, and increases, like any would without treatment.
But had she been treated, or had it not been there in the first place, the woman who danced, who laughed and who loved life, would have wanted you to feel the same pleasure from such simple things. You're not even describing the ideal mum, you are, in fact, describing YOUR mum. It may have been before illness, but she was your mum all the same.
So if there is somewhere they go to...surely the spirit of the well and happy period is who is at peace. I don't for a second see my dad's spirit as the bed-ridden, cancer-suffering man, paralysed by a stroke. I clearly see the dad with a twinkle in his eye, and a personality so big. Without hesitation, that's who I feel is watching me, and I believe you can do the same. Take them from the happiest time in their lives, and that's who's watching over us us and guiding us through a fulfilling life.
I honestly think you've nailed it!
But take your time. Obviously grief counselling is not my area, and these are only my feelings!,!,! But I do think it's a positive first step in the journey.
Goose bumps gone now....! Was going to put the heating up for a moment!
Lots of love,
I think you've touched on something, which is so positive, and is your choice to take. Maybe you just need time to allow yourself to believe it and agree that it's ok to think this. It's such early days, so you'll still have many ups and downs but when you described your mum as a young woman who could embrace life, without guilt, without fear of criticism, I think you may be describing the woman she really was, and would have been, had depression not taken hold. Like so much of mental illness, depression is often shunned or not regarded as illness, because it's not physical. You can't bandage depression, or use crutches or a sling to help improve it, there is no ointment to put on depression, and I imagine in your mum's day, there was very little support in terms of therapy etc. Probably a "keep quiet and put up with it" attitude. So the illness remains, and increases, like any would without treatment.
But had she been treated, or had it not been there in the first place, the woman who danced, who laughed and who loved life, would have wanted you to feel the same pleasure from such simple things. You're not even describing the ideal mum, you are, in fact, describing YOUR mum. It may have been before illness, but she was your mum all the same.
So if there is somewhere they go to...surely the spirit of the well and happy period is who is at peace. I don't for a second see my dad's spirit as the bed-ridden, cancer-suffering man, paralysed by a stroke. I clearly see the dad with a twinkle in his eye, and a personality so big. Without hesitation, that's who I feel is watching me, and I believe you can do the same. Take them from the happiest time in their lives, and that's who's watching over us us and guiding us through a fulfilling life.
I honestly think you've nailed it!
But take your time. Obviously grief counselling is not my area, and these are only my feelings!,!,! But I do think it's a positive first step in the journey.
Goose bumps gone now....! Was going to put the heating up for a moment!
Lots of love,
Annie I have goose bumps too, but my heating is on low lol!!!
My mum had treatment for depression all her adult life from ECT to all types of medication. The ECT worked great for a few months but after time it wore off. The last time she had ECT was when I was 4 so I don't really remember what she was like after that. She was never allowed ECT after her Glucoma as the doctors thought that could have a bad affect on her eyes. Medication never seemed to do much for her. I think her eyes being so bad made her almost give up and put her in an even worse depression. She spent many months of her life over the years in mental hospitals. She often said to me that she didn't want to leave them.
As for what happens after death I was watching a TV programme last year where the 2 main charactors died and went to heaven. Heaven for one of the charactors was at his girlfriends house having a family meal at Thanksgiving. The other one was out on the highway in his car enjoying the open road. They then moved onto all other happy times in their life.
I really like that idea, the thought of us all being with our loved ones reliving happy times in our lives, being carefree and well when we die. I think that's the way I will have to think. I can't bear the thought of my mum and of course other loved ones who have gone in my life not existing anymore. There is a lot to be said for having a faith, sadly mine is not strong.
My mum had treatment for depression all her adult life from ECT to all types of medication. The ECT worked great for a few months but after time it wore off. The last time she had ECT was when I was 4 so I don't really remember what she was like after that. She was never allowed ECT after her Glucoma as the doctors thought that could have a bad affect on her eyes. Medication never seemed to do much for her. I think her eyes being so bad made her almost give up and put her in an even worse depression. She spent many months of her life over the years in mental hospitals. She often said to me that she didn't want to leave them.
As for what happens after death I was watching a TV programme last year where the 2 main charactors died and went to heaven. Heaven for one of the charactors was at his girlfriends house having a family meal at Thanksgiving. The other one was out on the highway in his car enjoying the open road. They then moved onto all other happy times in their life.
I really like that idea, the thought of us all being with our loved ones reliving happy times in our lives, being carefree and well when we die. I think that's the way I will have to think. I can't bear the thought of my mum and of course other loved ones who have gone in my life not existing anymore. There is a lot to be said for having a faith, sadly mine is not strong.
Goose bumps again!
How funny!
Well, I'll let you into a secret... This morning, my little girl (aged 2) was singing away so I grabbed the video camera quickly and started filming...as you do! We continued to have a chat on film, and suddenly she did a mini freak-out, as if something made her jump. I told her to stop being a drama queen! But she kept saying "scared...scared" and I asked her what she was scared of. She took a while, bit more dramatic shying away, hiding in my shoulder etc...then I said there was nothing scary...so she looked again and said "...Grandad...". I took a sharp intake of breath and said "where's Grandad" and she pointed towards the back windows and said "Grandad...over there...". It's all on film and quite by chance.
This is not the first time she's done this, and we have noticed in the past 6 months how she "performs" for a particular corner of the room. she'll dance, stop, look at this corner, then smile and turn back again. 3 minutes or so later, looking back at the corner, smiles, turns away again. It happens pretty much every day, often several times. Sometimes it almost looks like she's following instructions...
All quite strange, but not at all scary. I love it! I'd love to think Dad was here! When he knew he was dying, he used humour to get him through sometimes, and during one of our chats I asked him to send me a sign to let me know he was alright. He replied "Annie, I'll haunt you!!!", with a cheeky smile. I don't think he was afraid. He couldn't take much more of life, and all its pain.
So maybe dad was trying to reassure me that all my spouting to you had some truth to it. Who knows?!
But I'm so pleased you're going to try to take this approach, and although after years of conditioning to feel guilty, I think you have the strength of mind to disagree if that happens. Life is a challenge, and this is a big one, but maybe you could do all the things your mum had planned for herself when she was that carefree 20 something. You could do that in her honour, rather than what you may feel is against her wishes. Her depression and sadness was saying that, not your mum.
Good luck to you! I feel really proud of you, and this little chat! Oh, what we have achieved!!! LOL!
Today is the first of all the baby steps towards a new outlook, eh? It worked for me, and I loved my dad to pieces. On the days I cried, it was natural, but it wasn't too long before I wasn't afraid to laugh. When that day comes, embrace it and don't go back!
How funny!
Well, I'll let you into a secret... This morning, my little girl (aged 2) was singing away so I grabbed the video camera quickly and started filming...as you do! We continued to have a chat on film, and suddenly she did a mini freak-out, as if something made her jump. I told her to stop being a drama queen! But she kept saying "scared...scared" and I asked her what she was scared of. She took a while, bit more dramatic shying away, hiding in my shoulder etc...then I said there was nothing scary...so she looked again and said "...Grandad...". I took a sharp intake of breath and said "where's Grandad" and she pointed towards the back windows and said "Grandad...over there...". It's all on film and quite by chance.
This is not the first time she's done this, and we have noticed in the past 6 months how she "performs" for a particular corner of the room. she'll dance, stop, look at this corner, then smile and turn back again. 3 minutes or so later, looking back at the corner, smiles, turns away again. It happens pretty much every day, often several times. Sometimes it almost looks like she's following instructions...
All quite strange, but not at all scary. I love it! I'd love to think Dad was here! When he knew he was dying, he used humour to get him through sometimes, and during one of our chats I asked him to send me a sign to let me know he was alright. He replied "Annie, I'll haunt you!!!", with a cheeky smile. I don't think he was afraid. He couldn't take much more of life, and all its pain.
So maybe dad was trying to reassure me that all my spouting to you had some truth to it. Who knows?!
But I'm so pleased you're going to try to take this approach, and although after years of conditioning to feel guilty, I think you have the strength of mind to disagree if that happens. Life is a challenge, and this is a big one, but maybe you could do all the things your mum had planned for herself when she was that carefree 20 something. You could do that in her honour, rather than what you may feel is against her wishes. Her depression and sadness was saying that, not your mum.
Good luck to you! I feel really proud of you, and this little chat! Oh, what we have achieved!!! LOL!
Today is the first of all the baby steps towards a new outlook, eh? It worked for me, and I loved my dad to pieces. On the days I cried, it was natural, but it wasn't too long before I wasn't afraid to laugh. When that day comes, embrace it and don't go back!
My mum was depressed all her adult life but I think in her case it was linked to having MS although then again my grandad was always depressed. I remember him walking up the stairs grumbling, "I wish someone would just shoot me and have done with it" - what I call a real Eeyore. My mum was much the same, every time we spoke for the last 20 years she said, "I pray to die, Pied, every night I just pray to die and then I wake up again the next day." She still says this from time to time.
When I got married she hardly spoke to me, and when I was pregnant it was taboo to talk about it. All she said was a comment to my sister, "She's going to die in childbirth so I can't talk to her" and she wouldn't speak to me till I had had the baby.
I don't know if you've watched the film "A Series of Unfortunate Events" but the Meryl Streep character is exactly like my mum, "Don't open the fridge door, it might fall on you and kill you."
If I ever said, "Mum we've booked a holiday," it was "Oh, what did you want to do that for, you'll have an accident on the journey" and if we brought her out anywhere she'd sigh when we arrived and say "Thank God we didn't get shot dead on the motorway". I'd say "Shot dead?? What are you talking about?" and she'd say, "Every car that overtook us, I would think gun men would lean out the windows and shoot at us".
????? This was what I called Mum's depression and chronic anxiety. She gradually stopped leaving the house. She wouldn't use a mirror or cut her hair, saying "I look hideous, hideous, why would I want a mirror, I don't even look out the windows if I think I'll see my reflection."
She was body phobic. This was why when she had breast cancer she never called the doctor and never told us. She was terrified of doctors: "Doctors are there to tell you you're going to die."
Food was poisonous - "Microwave ovens are radioactive"
She wouldn't wear flourescent colours or have them in the house "they are radioactive" she wouldn't have a smoke alarm "It will radiate me to death" or a mobile phone "Don't use one Pied, promise me, it will kill you!" Every time I phoned she'd interrogate me - was I on a mobile, promise not, was I safe.
As for the pill, well she believed any medicines and especially the pill were poison pure and simple. She believed thay caused all cancers. When she got cancer she just kept saying, "But I have never taken a pill in my life" - true - she never took a paracetamol even.
I could go on and on but I think she was OCD as well as chronically anxious. If you looked in her dustbin you would eat your tea out of it, it was spotlessly clean and she hardly ever threw anything away. If I ever put anything in her dustbin she would fly into a rage and make me take it out.
Don't know if you're still reading, but the point is, I made a decision in the end to make my own way in life and make my own decisions about things. I tried to help Mum get help but she was adamant that her behaviour was perfectly normal.
Sorry to vent Rachel, but I do understand what it is like to live with a parent who has a warped view of life and feels desperately negative about it, doesn't come to parents evenings, doesn't show any interest in your college life or career, or marriage, or children. I doubt Mum could tell you much at all about my kids or what their likes and dislikes are.
(BUT I DO LOVE HER)
I do sympathise.
When I got married she hardly spoke to me, and when I was pregnant it was taboo to talk about it. All she said was a comment to my sister, "She's going to die in childbirth so I can't talk to her" and she wouldn't speak to me till I had had the baby.
I don't know if you've watched the film "A Series of Unfortunate Events" but the Meryl Streep character is exactly like my mum, "Don't open the fridge door, it might fall on you and kill you."
If I ever said, "Mum we've booked a holiday," it was "Oh, what did you want to do that for, you'll have an accident on the journey" and if we brought her out anywhere she'd sigh when we arrived and say "Thank God we didn't get shot dead on the motorway". I'd say "Shot dead?? What are you talking about?" and she'd say, "Every car that overtook us, I would think gun men would lean out the windows and shoot at us".
????? This was what I called Mum's depression and chronic anxiety. She gradually stopped leaving the house. She wouldn't use a mirror or cut her hair, saying "I look hideous, hideous, why would I want a mirror, I don't even look out the windows if I think I'll see my reflection."
She was body phobic. This was why when she had breast cancer she never called the doctor and never told us. She was terrified of doctors: "Doctors are there to tell you you're going to die."
Food was poisonous - "Microwave ovens are radioactive"
She wouldn't wear flourescent colours or have them in the house "they are radioactive" she wouldn't have a smoke alarm "It will radiate me to death" or a mobile phone "Don't use one Pied, promise me, it will kill you!" Every time I phoned she'd interrogate me - was I on a mobile, promise not, was I safe.
As for the pill, well she believed any medicines and especially the pill were poison pure and simple. She believed thay caused all cancers. When she got cancer she just kept saying, "But I have never taken a pill in my life" - true - she never took a paracetamol even.
I could go on and on but I think she was OCD as well as chronically anxious. If you looked in her dustbin you would eat your tea out of it, it was spotlessly clean and she hardly ever threw anything away. If I ever put anything in her dustbin she would fly into a rage and make me take it out.
Don't know if you're still reading, but the point is, I made a decision in the end to make my own way in life and make my own decisions about things. I tried to help Mum get help but she was adamant that her behaviour was perfectly normal.
Sorry to vent Rachel, but I do understand what it is like to live with a parent who has a warped view of life and feels desperately negative about it, doesn't come to parents evenings, doesn't show any interest in your college life or career, or marriage, or children. I doubt Mum could tell you much at all about my kids or what their likes and dislikes are.
(BUT I DO LOVE HER)
I do sympathise.
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Oh Pied,
What is it with you ladies giving me the pimples today? Goosies all down my arms! What's going on?!,
When I first joined this forum, I was so niaive. I thought every daughter would feel the same about their mums, and would all be sharing similar experiences to me, but the longer I've been here, and the more people open up about their lives, I realise how different we all are, yet how very much the same. Depression seems to be a common thread and I have been educated about the effects it has on a child (now grown up).
Rachel, Pied is one of the strong ones. One of the good ones. She's possibly proof that the cycle can be broken.
So I suppose my last word is...there IS hope.
Love to you both,
What is it with you ladies giving me the pimples today? Goosies all down my arms! What's going on?!,
When I first joined this forum, I was so niaive. I thought every daughter would feel the same about their mums, and would all be sharing similar experiences to me, but the longer I've been here, and the more people open up about their lives, I realise how different we all are, yet how very much the same. Depression seems to be a common thread and I have been educated about the effects it has on a child (now grown up).
Rachel, Pied is one of the strong ones. One of the good ones. She's possibly proof that the cycle can be broken.
So I suppose my last word is...there IS hope.
Love to you both,
Well - Rachel - I can laugh about a lot of it, some of it has a deeply comic side, and I can say that, though Mum wouldn't,... but,... the bit that hurts is when you want a mum to care for you and nurture you, and I rarely had that.
The thing is it can make you strong because you learn to stand on your own two feet and deal with life yourself, you become self reliant and self resilient, and you can achieve a lot in life because you have had to find qualities others haven't had chance to dig out. I'm not talking personally but a lot of famous people who are successful have had difficult childhoods.
That is what makes Kassy so strong.
I have got much better at being positive the older I have got, but it isn't easy. You have to work at it. You have to challenge your patterns of thinking. You have the power over your own destiny.
You know what Doctor Seuss said, don't you?
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own, and you know what you know.
And you are the one who'll decide where you'll go.
Oh the places you'll go.”
Can I suggest you stick it on your fridge??!! You are strong - you are good - you just don't necessarily believe it all the time - but we can see it in you!
The thing is it can make you strong because you learn to stand on your own two feet and deal with life yourself, you become self reliant and self resilient, and you can achieve a lot in life because you have had to find qualities others haven't had chance to dig out. I'm not talking personally but a lot of famous people who are successful have had difficult childhoods.
That is what makes Kassy so strong.
I have got much better at being positive the older I have got, but it isn't easy. You have to work at it. You have to challenge your patterns of thinking. You have the power over your own destiny.
You know what Doctor Seuss said, don't you?
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own, and you know what you know.
And you are the one who'll decide where you'll go.
Oh the places you'll go.”
Can I suggest you stick it on your fridge??!! You are strong - you are good - you just don't necessarily believe it all the time - but we can see it in you!
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Wow!!!!!
Annie and Pied some strong stuff there.
Annie, I don't know what to say about your little girl seing her granddad. They always recon children are more receptive to that than adults. I am glad it makes you happy. I think I would be frightened if it was me. When my son was little he always pointed to the corner in his bedroom and said old man. Now my son is 24 he still remembers it. I often wonder now if it was my grandfather who died when my son was only 2 years old. At the time I thought my son was just dreaming.
I have had an interest in ghosts and the unknown for years I am very open minded. My husband and I even stayed in a haunted bed chamber for our honeymoon!! I was scared stiff though!!!!
I am so happy for you Annie you were so close to your dad.
Pied,
I am sorry to hear your mum has suffered from OCD and depression. Some of the things your mum said are very simular to what my mum used to say but my mum wasn't in such a dark place as yours. It's only the past couple of days that I realise just how many people out there have gone through the same experinces as me.
My mum didn't show much interest in my wedding either and of course she didn't come to it, that's one of the reasons we got married out of town it was easy to say it was too far for her to travel.
Like we were saying yesturday they would have been different if it wasn't for their illnesses. I'm sure in their own way they loved us very much, my mum was obsessed about me really, she wanted me all to herself and to be with me 24/7.
She did show an interest in my life but she worried about everything that I done such as going to work and driving a car. She also thought mobile phones were dangerous, watching TV bad for you and the internet caused more trouble than it was worth!! She always thought life was so much better in the 1940's-1950's when she was young. Woman didn't work, no body had much you could leave your door unlocked. A slower pace of life.
The way she was has affected me as all parents are an influence to their children.
I do worry too much, I am OCD about my house being clean and tidy. I am more negative than positive. I have a love for the olden days and history as she used to talk about those times so much I really feel I would have liked to have lived then. But I am not the same as her. I'm not frightened of going out, I like to socalise (she was very alone in life). I don't want to shut myself away and not live.
From an early age I knew I wanted to be different. I married young, had a child young and left home young all the things she didn't do.
I feel so sad that she never had the life she should have had. Tomorrow I am seing the revernd and I really don't know what to tell him. That is a shame.
Hugs to all xxxx
Annie and Pied some strong stuff there.
Annie, I don't know what to say about your little girl seing her granddad. They always recon children are more receptive to that than adults. I am glad it makes you happy. I think I would be frightened if it was me. When my son was little he always pointed to the corner in his bedroom and said old man. Now my son is 24 he still remembers it. I often wonder now if it was my grandfather who died when my son was only 2 years old. At the time I thought my son was just dreaming.
I have had an interest in ghosts and the unknown for years I am very open minded. My husband and I even stayed in a haunted bed chamber for our honeymoon!! I was scared stiff though!!!!
I am so happy for you Annie you were so close to your dad.
Pied,
I am sorry to hear your mum has suffered from OCD and depression. Some of the things your mum said are very simular to what my mum used to say but my mum wasn't in such a dark place as yours. It's only the past couple of days that I realise just how many people out there have gone through the same experinces as me.
My mum didn't show much interest in my wedding either and of course she didn't come to it, that's one of the reasons we got married out of town it was easy to say it was too far for her to travel.
Like we were saying yesturday they would have been different if it wasn't for their illnesses. I'm sure in their own way they loved us very much, my mum was obsessed about me really, she wanted me all to herself and to be with me 24/7.
She did show an interest in my life but she worried about everything that I done such as going to work and driving a car. She also thought mobile phones were dangerous, watching TV bad for you and the internet caused more trouble than it was worth!! She always thought life was so much better in the 1940's-1950's when she was young. Woman didn't work, no body had much you could leave your door unlocked. A slower pace of life.
The way she was has affected me as all parents are an influence to their children.
I do worry too much, I am OCD about my house being clean and tidy. I am more negative than positive. I have a love for the olden days and history as she used to talk about those times so much I really feel I would have liked to have lived then. But I am not the same as her. I'm not frightened of going out, I like to socalise (she was very alone in life). I don't want to shut myself away and not live.
From an early age I knew I wanted to be different. I married young, had a child young and left home young all the things she didn't do.
I feel so sad that she never had the life she should have had. Tomorrow I am seing the revernd and I really don't know what to tell him. That is a shame.
Hugs to all xxxx
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I've just seen the minister and he was great.
He told me that she will be at peace and free from all the suffering, which I knew but hearing it from him made it seem more believeable. I told him my mum's life story and he has taken all the good bit's and some of the sad bits but made it sound some how right.
Hard to explain but I feel comfort from his visit and I know he will do a wonderful service for her.
Still dread it though.
He told me that she will be at peace and free from all the suffering, which I knew but hearing it from him made it seem more believeable. I told him my mum's life story and he has taken all the good bit's and some of the sad bits but made it sound some how right.
Hard to explain but I feel comfort from his visit and I know he will do a wonderful service for her.
Still dread it though.
I'm so pleased you had this chat. It sounds very comforting to hear from someone else that your mum is at peace, especially when we hope they have an insight that perhaps we don't.
Obviously, you will be dreading the funeral, but I wonder whether you will find this an opportunity to feel that you have done all the right things for your mum, and that finally, for the last time, you can go away feeling she would not feel disappointed. It may be that she has the last word, before you can slowly start working on your own future, and that last word would be " thank you".
I felt an amazing sense of pride after dad's funeral, as if he was projecting his own gratitude into me. I hope you may feel something similar. Let the happy sides be spoken of in the service, of her enjoying dance & music as a young woman and of any special childhood memories you may have. Let it be known that despite illnesses, your mum did the very best as a single mother, and that for that, she should be remembered with pride.
Then, maybe when you feel she might be watching you at any time, when you laugh or feel happiness, she will be happy too. And that's the vision you will have in your head.
A funeral is always sad but it can be very cathartic, especially after long periods of sadness and pain. A serene feeling can often prevail, and I also hope that for you.
Take care. Lots of love,
Obviously, you will be dreading the funeral, but I wonder whether you will find this an opportunity to feel that you have done all the right things for your mum, and that finally, for the last time, you can go away feeling she would not feel disappointed. It may be that she has the last word, before you can slowly start working on your own future, and that last word would be " thank you".
I felt an amazing sense of pride after dad's funeral, as if he was projecting his own gratitude into me. I hope you may feel something similar. Let the happy sides be spoken of in the service, of her enjoying dance & music as a young woman and of any special childhood memories you may have. Let it be known that despite illnesses, your mum did the very best as a single mother, and that for that, she should be remembered with pride.
Then, maybe when you feel she might be watching you at any time, when you laugh or feel happiness, she will be happy too. And that's the vision you will have in your head.
A funeral is always sad but it can be very cathartic, especially after long periods of sadness and pain. A serene feeling can often prevail, and I also hope that for you.
Take care. Lots of love,
Thank you Annie for your wise words.
I hope my mum would feel pleased about the funeral I have arranged for her. I know she would be pleased with some of the things the minister is going to say. I showed him a photo of my mum when she was young and he said she was a "stunner" and is going to put that in the service, she would have liked that. She looked just like one of the 1940's Hollywood stars when she was young.
There are a few things that I forgot to tell him we were that carried away with chatting that I am going to ring him and ask him to add a few bits!!!
This is the last thing you can do for a loved one and I so want to get it right.
I'm glad you had a good exprience at your dad's funeral. When a close friend of ours died a few years ago his funeral turned out to be the best funeral I have ever been to it was so him.
Just seems so long to wait now.
I hope my mum would feel pleased about the funeral I have arranged for her. I know she would be pleased with some of the things the minister is going to say. I showed him a photo of my mum when she was young and he said she was a "stunner" and is going to put that in the service, she would have liked that. She looked just like one of the 1940's Hollywood stars when she was young.
There are a few things that I forgot to tell him we were that carried away with chatting that I am going to ring him and ask him to add a few bits!!!
This is the last thing you can do for a loved one and I so want to get it right.
I'm glad you had a good exprience at your dad's funeral. When a close friend of ours died a few years ago his funeral turned out to be the best funeral I have ever been to it was so him.
Just seems so long to wait now.
Dear Rachel,
I am glad that it went well with the Reverend and that you feel comforted and ensured that the funeral will be just right.
I personally believe that the departed will 'know fully' and therefore your dear mum will know that she has a daughter to be very proud of
Love and a (HUG)
I am glad that it went well with the Reverend and that you feel comforted and ensured that the funeral will be just right.
I personally believe that the departed will 'know fully' and therefore your dear mum will know that she has a daughter to be very proud of
Love and a (HUG)
I'm glad you feel things are working out for a good funeral for your mum, Rachel. This will help you afterwards with your memories I am sure and in time you will be able to recall the mum of years ago without the depression. My mum travelled Europe with a bunch of friends and drove a mini bus round Salzberg! These old memories can come to the fore again as you remember the mum you loved in spite of depression.
What about printing the young pic of her on the order of service? Just an idea! xx
What about printing the young pic of her on the order of service? Just an idea! xx
