Coping with persistent phone calls!

[Canadian Joanne]

My mother used to call me a lot also. I had to explain to our receptionist that she literally didn't remember that she had previously called and to just put the calls through. This is when she was in the retirement home.

I think the way people with AD remember phone numbers is partly muscle memory, particularly if it's a number they have dialed a lot in the past.

One day the phone calls will stop and believe me, you will miss them. In the meantime, I wish you a ton of patience and forbearance as it can be so frustrating and annoying.

 

[Roma]

We’re having the same problem with my MIL at the moment. It gets to the point where if you ignore the calls she just rings incessantly until you answer. Always the same questions or to give us a mouthful when she thinks we’ve offended her by telling her she needs to have a shower or change her clothes. She thinks life is going on as normal and doesn’t need any help when she quite clearly does. Sometimes I say to her if you don’t need any help then why ring about 20 times a day starting at 7.00 in the morning asking what she has to do that day etc? She of course thinks we’re lying and no way is she ringing that many times, and then proceeds to ring us up to tell us that !!!

We’re worn out. I lost my own mother from end stage Alzheimer’s in January this year and when she lived in her own house, before going into a care home, she never used to ring me up as much, although she did ring me up a couple of times at 3.00 in the morning!

I think the difference is that my MIL has vascular dementia following a stroke and her short term memory is non existent, whereas my mother had slightly better short term memory. The other difference is that my mother accepted that she had a problem and allowed me to help her,up to a point, whereas MIL thinks life is going on as normal and gets angry and aggressive when we try to help her.

Can’t offer any solutions just wanted you to know that you’re not alone.

Regards

Roma

 

[trakand01]

Hi, we dont have a problem with persistent phone calls from my grandparents (quite the opposite in fact, we wish they'd stop being so insular!) but I just wondered if any of the sufferers being discussed here had paranoia in particular?

The reason I ask is this. I dont have dementia or anything, I'm on 28 too but when I was at school, and later at university, although i was too embarrassed to go to the doctors, I had all the symptoms of paranoia. Not schizophrenic paranoia, but simple, straightforward paranoia.

The main symptom of my paranoia was telephone calls, and texts. I was on a monthly contract where I paid £30 a month and got free evening / weekend calls and I think about 500 texts, and I still used to run up bills sometimes in excess of £100.

I knew I was doing it of course, but I couldnt stop it. I'd ring someone, speak to them (people I seemed to have a bit of a fixation on) and then literally 5 minutes later, I'd find / make up an excuse to ring them back.

And if they didnt answer, well...

Looking back it's as if i was an entirely different person and I would never even dream of doing it now. I remember one incident during my first few months at university when a girl I had made a friend out of was late back from her lectures. I rang her, no answer, so I rang her again. By the time she got back to the halls (only an hour later than normal) I'd racked up 16 missed calls 5 texts and 3 voicemail messages.

Something 'clicked' when I was about 24. I can remember it clearly.

Obviously it's entirely different when the person has dementia but just wanted to give a bit of an insight from the 'other side' as it were, if paranoia is involved.

 

[starman]

It probably won't help to tell you this but patience and acceptance are all that is going help. You need to be prepared to explain everything again and again. With my mum's diagnosis I started accepting her and it is better for her and better for me. She doesn't need to get better anymore and I can concentrate on coping.

 

[TinaT]

Isn't it strange what can be automatic such as mothers and fathers with severe short term memory loss still being able to dial your phone number.

A strange thing happened a few weeks ago for me when my son phoned to say he was outside the care home but couldn't get anyone to answer the doorbell and could I give him the code for the key pad.

I couldn't!!! No matter how I tried, I couldn't! Yet I use this keypad every day when I visit Ken. I hadn't realised that I never even look at the keypad. My fingers do the code by themselves whout my even knowing this!


xxTinaT

 

[TinaT]

Wow Starman,

Just read your post and this quote from it:

She doesn't need to get better anymore and I can concentrate on coping

What an important statement that is! It has taken me years and years to reach this point of view. I now know that whatever I do or don't do, I will not change the progression of this disease. What a liberating sentence!

xxTinaT

 

[sleepless]

Yes, Starman, I agree with Tina, your post was very short but so full of answers.
I found it was easier on me, once I realised that patiently replying to every question as if it were the first time it had been asked, is the way to handle this.
Having said that, we all have those moments when this proves very difficult (usually when trying to deal with a 'real' crisis at this end of the phone.)
My Dad can't remember his parents deaths (40 years ago) or that of my mum, his wife, 6 years ago, but remembers my 11-digit phone number, even though it's 6 months since he dialled it!
He recites it to me whenever we visit, and I assure him it's correct as I think it gives him a sense of security to know he could get in contact if he had to, and also it must boost his confidence just knowing he can remember such a long number.

 

[starman]

Thanks Tina and Sleepless.

My father died in 2002 after having PD for several years. I came through the experience with many regrets and a feeling of inadequacy for everything that I did to care for him. My mum had looked after him until his last year which was spent in and out of hospital with a full time carer looking after him as I rushed between work, family, his needs and his and her crises.

My mum went through two episodes of depression since then and I have looked after her and coaxed her back to functioning.

Thus when she was diagnosed recently with dementia it was even a relief that I can just accept her situation and try to help her and me get through this. Unlike the depression she doesn't have to get back functioning. She will be what she will be and I have to play it right now, not her.

 

[Jameela]

I have got hold of my mum's phone bill from 5/12/10 to 5/1/11 - take off the £15 advance line rental, and she spent just over £150. That includes all the free calls to her calling circle of friends/family. Equates to nearly £2k a year. I look down the list of numbers called, and I can see the multiples to the same numbers on the same day - 0825, 0913, 1017, 1239, 1422, 1608.....

Daft thing is, when I was getting all the calls, I wished with all my might it would stop. Now that she's in the CH, I miss talking to her.....

 

[sleepless]

Jameela, I know what you mean. I even thought about getting my dad a mobile phone, but it's not practical.
However, the staff at the home are very good in that they will take the phone to dad and let us have a chat. I've done this when I've not been able to visit (due to the bad weather) and I rang him from Italy on Boxing Day and talked to him.
We don't talk for long, but like you, I used to get so many calls from him when he was at home, and I do miss .... hearing his voice, and being able to reassure him.
But I don't miss the bad calls, I must admit.

 

[donone1]

Father-in-law 2012!

Hello again to everyone! its been a while since I last communicated, living life and making a living seems to suck everything out of one these days!!! The situation is not changed with my Father-in-law Talking about it can help, thus I am, posting this today. However my wife lost here Mum last October, a very dignified passing, at home.... My wife was there at the end. Since then, I have been trying to ward off the phone calls 300 last month! We altered the tariff to reflect daytime/evening and weekend calls (inclusive), the costs have plummeted. Tips on this.... Ignore 60% of them, just answer those that you choose, yes you will grit your teeth when the phone rings, we can turn ours off! But if this Alzheimers or dementia thing happens to me, I would like to think I could get a conversation once a day!? Gordon, yes that is his name never believes he rings so often, he just can't remember, so its unkind to keep reminding him, that's the privilege we have but its also the gun if you like to prove how clever we are since we remember and that is our strength, use it to help yourself, control the calls, keep to the same story, lie through your teeth, say you will visit tomorrow, make that person feel important, it will help your sanity as well!
Finally, going to see my Mum in Hospital in St, Richards Chichester mid afternoon tomorrow with my Dad. the last two years have been not good as until now her dementia was not diagnosed, that is another story - so will post back later next week

 

[ggma]

Keep posting! There is lots of support here.
You are so right, caring and working are very time consuming and take over your whole life, especially as you seem to have more than one relative to care for and worry about. It is so sad when our parents travel the dementia road, and as you say they are not aware much of the time that they have caused us stress, and would if well not want to either.

Do look after yourself

 

[Lainey 127]

Snap!

I hear you! My Mum has just started with the persistent night phone calls and it's always a toss up whether or not to jump in a taxi and go and check on her. If I don't go I'm up fretting all night in case she really needs me. It must be awful for her and I understand she's scared and vulnerable but I'm permanently exhausted....a lot of people have mentioned that it's a phase - I hope so!
Thoughts are with you!

 

[angelmarbella]

Oh the phone calls! I sympathise!

I can recommend an excellent book which helped our family to understand and deal with dementia called Contented Dementia. It totally changed the way we were dealing with Mum's A/D including issues like persistent phone calls. It's not their fault poor things! We are the parent now unfortunately.

Good luck!

Angel

 

[itsmeagain]

Hi and good afternoon to everyone. My Father-in-law is suffering with the diagnosed conditions called Alzheimer's. Yep having spent a little time reading many people's comments, I can see I am not alone!! The word coping is most apt, but our lives are not ours anymore, by that my wife's who's dad we are talking about is being turned upside down and mine with it. I will not go into all the details as I can see our situation is not unique but I would like some guidance from others on here as to the best way to deal with the following.
1] We get 20+ phone calls a day and there are all the same questions
2] Conversations that go nowhere, are incomplete and questions that have no answers, (its say 23:00hrs and a call to us is made "what I am supposed to be doing"?
3] how do you talk to a person who is not listening, who is not aware of what day it is and wants to leave where they are but does not know where they live and treats the accommodation as a tip
We are intelligent people and are willing to try anything to make this person life more enjoyable. From where we sit our lives are being turned into a nightmare without a conclusion in site or any strategies to "cope". Any advise

Maybe if he has daycare or someone to help him keep occupied, the calls would be reduced.
Good luck at this terrible time for you.

 

[Witzend]

Oh the phone calls! I sympathise!

I can recommend an excellent book which helped our family to understand and deal with dementia called Contented Dementia. It totally changed the way we were dealing with Mum's A/D including issues like persistent phone calls. It's not their fault poor things! We are the parent now unfortunately.

I think most of us know it's not their fault. However, that knowledge isn't really much help when you're being driven out of your mind with 30 phone calls an hour.

In our case the problem only finally disappeared after the move to a care home. To a room with no phone - although we did have the option. Not that the move was purely for that reason, of course.

Funnily enough it was only a few weeks before my mother stopped asking to phone the family at all.

 

[susanne1964]

coping with persistant phone calls

Hi everyone

I have not been on in such a long time but tonight felt that I should maybe give some advice back that I have received in the last couple of years.

The phone calls: heartbreaking but you have to deal with each one as they come I am afraid. You cant turn of the house phone just in case, you cant ignore the ringing because it may not be your dad/mum it may be the police etc.

However, it does get to the stage where the ability to use the phone is completely forgotten. (a godsend but not )

all i can say is while the capability to speak is there try and bite your words and just listen as patiently as you can , even if it is the early hours of the morning...

I would give anything to hear dad speak "normal" again.

My heart goes out to everyone on here and I am now at a stage where I have had to hand dad over and go back to work. He is still creating chaos but is now in a happy frame of mind... we however look at the man that was and just visit.....

 

[Salli]

Hi everyone

I have not been on in such a long time but tonight felt that I should maybe give some advice back that I have received in the last couple of years.

The phone calls: heartbreaking but you have to deal with each one as they come I am afraid. You cant turn of the house phone just in case, you cant ignore the ringing because it may not be your dad/mum it may be the police etc.

....

I expect this will upset some people - but I can, and I do. Mum has telecare for this reason, and I can't see how I would be much help in an emergency. There would be little point in rushing over there (taxi 20 miles). She often just phones them for a chat anyway - like she does countless other people over and over, often random numbers or wrong numbers, or the chiropodist six times on a Sunday. Telecare know her by her first name, she phones so much. She dialed 999 last week because she could hear a ringing noise. She was spending £350 a quarter on phone bill till I got LPA and switched package. I do not have my phone in bedroom any more. Sorry, if this seems hard and uncaring, but it's self preservation. She only phones for a chat, so there is nothing that can't wait till daytime. I do have my mobile which telecare know (but mum doesn't) but they don't always let me know - so many false alarm visits.

 

[leedsfan]

I had a call from Dad last night. He was cross that he hadn't been able to phone me in the afternoon (he forgets how to use the phone sometimes). We have someone go in at around 9pm every night just to check he's ok and knows that it's night time, this is to try and stop the wandering out, also have door sensors. I could hear his carer in the background gently reassuring Dad, but still he rambled and asked where the hell I'd been.

Just had a quick look at the clock. I should be in bed got a pig of a day tomorrow, mostly Dad stuff. I'm sat hear waiting for the phone to ring! Why does he never phone when I am up and can go to him in ten minutes?

I spent some of yesterday trying to imagine how I could improve things for Dad, for all of us. Hit a brick wall when I realised I really am doing all I can. Worse thing is this is having a really bad effect on my marriage, it is tearing us apart.

There really isn't an answer but I just had to tell someone and now I'm going to try to go back to bed.

Jane x

 

[jenniferpa]

Jane: no advice or help I'm afraid. Just wanted to say, I'm sorry and you have been heard.

Hope you get back to sleep.