Missing Dad...

[Goldilox]

Hello all - I've not posted on here for ages, but am drawn back after at least a year; this place is a safe haven to come to when having a wobble! Dad seems to have a particularly aggressive form of dementia - not sure which type as he was never really tested for it... it all seemed so casual but my money's on Vascular Dementia - and has been in his nursing home for just over a year. After selling his house to pay for his care and arguing with social workers (as a trained nurse it was very difficult to keep my temper when I was being told by a social worker that he didn't require nursing care - because he could walk!!! The fact that he couldn't eat, drink, dress, or function without assistance was irrelevant!!) Anyway, after the first very painful few months of Dad being in a nursing home and witnessing his fear that something was amiss... he wasn't sure what because he couldn't quite put his finger on it, it's almost as if Dad relaxed his grip on lucidity & let go and has sunk into the depths of dementia. Physically he is fine - he's very well looked after, warm well fed & I think the carer's genuinely like him but he is now soooooo confused with no idea of time place or person. I find it extremely upsetting to go & visit; and when I do I can only stand it for 10 minutes, and there are always tears in the car outside. He has no idea who I am. I suppose what I'm trying to say is I miss my Dad... I miss everything about my funny, kind, infuriatingly old fashioned but wise & wonderful Dad. Does anyone else chicken out of visiting loved ones or am I just cowardly? Thank you for taking the time to read this, all comments are welcomed, but just putting stuff down has been balm in itself.

Jacqui x

 

[TED]

Read your message and most of it could be written from us too replacing Dad with Mum in my case. When mum ceased to know who we were she used to call out for her mum? when she wanted help or reasssurance, having gone blind as well as part of this awful condition.

I wish I had some great method of coping to help you out with, sadly I don't but would really urge you not to give up on your Dad. Do try and keep up the visits to him, it's really hard I know but although you feel he doesn't recognise you, every now and then he will remember, or at least appear to, something inside is triggered and you'll feel so much better for seeing that smile and knowing you were there for him. He'll probably remember older family names like brothers and sisters than he will his own children, well in my experience that's been the case anyway, they often regress back to a time much earlier in life, hence memories of you, other children or grandchildren simply don't exist.

I cannot imagine NOT being there for Mum .... it's been many years now, so maybe I've just become used to the situation, early on it made me very unhappy and tearful. Now I'm 40 and 20stone+, I've broken down at work (for no obvious reason, it just hits me long after the event at times).

Mum thinks I have two daughters, (i don't have any children) I know believe that she thinks I am her older brother and she's living in her own world/time frame some 40 years ago (long before my time)

Though your Dad might not remember who you are at first, be his friend and you might find he does remember you but under a different name ... yeah it's unusual but imagine the comfort you will be giving someone so dear to you by being there it's better than staying away in the long term.

whatever you do you are not in this alone.
hope you find your own ways to help yourself too, we all need support just in different ways, I try things to make Mum laugh, she's much better when she's laughing and so am I.

Keep well

TED

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[Christin]

Hello Goldilox. I admit that I found it quite difficult to visit my mum when she was placed in a care home, speech was difficult for her and so conversations were one sided. I did find that taking something particular to show her helped me fill the time. She especially liked me to 'do' her nails I would talk about my day and what I had done. Also on a fine day I would take her out in a chair and do ordinary things like shopping. I lived some distance away and so did not visit frequently. I do hope you find the courage, I know it is not easy. I wonder if you can visit at mealtimes, tea time and join in, or take something special for his tea. Somehow I always feel a cup of tea makes things easier.

Now, here, FIL doesn't really know who we are and often asks. He often asks me where I am and I say I'm here. He is happy with that. Like Ted says, he doesn't understand the relationships anymore, doesn't see my husband as his son or me as his son's wife. It is all muddled. But he feels secure with us and likes to be with us.

 

[Issy]

I miss my dad every day. He died 8 years ago from Alzheimers. I used to visit him in his care home for the last 4 years. He was so gentle and smiling.
I am struggling to come to terms with my husbands evolving diagnosis of probable AD. It sort of reminds me of my Dad. My husband is at the stage of 'fighting to retain his sanity' and life is a rollercoaster.
I often read the treads posted here and find the sharing of feelings very supportive.
Thinking of you
Issy

'They say the world's a bitter place, but I have seen a flock of lapwings soaring high today'

 

[jillybear]

Missing Dad

When my dad was in hospital recently in a secure unit we realised that not many of the relatives visited the other patients but they were a lot further down the road than my dad - not sure why they didn't visit but suppose they wouldn't know them or perhaps they lived too far away. I really don't know how i will feel when it comes to this for me - but with 3 siblings we could take turns but i am not sure whether they would all want to go.
I really think it is up to each individual person to decide how they feel and if they can cope - and to go only when they feel strong enough i would not feel angry about my siblings not going and i hope they would not feel differently about me if i didn't want to go. Suppose you can only do what you feel at the time.

thinking of you x