Counselling advice needed

[LynneD]

Hi,

I have been to 2 counselling sessions and have spoken about my mum who has alzheimers and my dad to whom I am a carer.

I have spoken quite openly about my feelings. Anyway, I know they are only there to listen. But, I am not sure if this is doing any good. I cry when I am there and feel bad for the rest of the week.

Should I keep attending these sessions or just talk to my family and friends. I think I expected someone to tell me how to cope and they can't.

Lynne

 

[Grannie G]

Stick with it Lynne.
Counsellors are not there to provide a solution or give advice. They are there to help you find the answers yourself. It can`t be done in a couple of sessions.

 

[piedwarbler]

Hi Lynne

Sorry the counselling isn't feeling very useful. I guess the decision about whether or not you carry on going can only be yours at the end of the day.

I read that Jeremy Paxman said that he thought going down the pub and having a pint with a mate was way better (and cheaper) than counselling.

Others feel counselling works for them, if they get a counsellor that they feel they get on with. Often counsellors just reflect back at you how you are feeling as you work towards finding your own ways of dealing with what you are feeling. It may be that your counsellor is still at the stage of letting you explain how you are feeling, and later sessions will look at ways forward. But you may be surprised at how little you are "told" about how to cope - it's maybe more about finding your own way forward.

A different sort of counselling that you may want to think about is CBT which does work more actively in terms of challenging patterns of thinking that we tend to fall into, and changing them for more positive ways of thinking about our lives and situations.

I am no expert and am just going off what I've read over the years, I've never had CBT but I have read good things about it. I have a couple of friends who were helped by it. So, if this makes no sense, ignore me!!

I hope you find a way to go forwards from here that you feel more comfortable with. Thinking of you x

 

[jenniferpa]

I second what Sylvia said. However, be aware that therapy can vary: not every therapist is a good fit for every client, and not every therapy type is effective for every situation. So, if you give it a few more sessions and you feel that you are not getting anywhere, it might be worthwhile seeking a different counsellor.

Also, did you check out this counsellor before hand? Some are better than others. While the crying in the session seems quite usual, and it is very early days in this process, I am a little concerned that the distress lasts: I would cry in therapy sessions but the tears were cathartic, but everyone varies.

Have you raised this point with the counsellor: that you feel bad during the rest of the week? A good counsellor will be willign to talk to you about the process. If you feel you can't mention it, or if you have and you felt you were being fobbed off, then you might not be in a good therapeutic relationship.

 

[sistermillicent]

Lynne, I am afraid this is a tough process, it may well take a few weeks to feel any benefit from it, but I think you will.

I always think it is a bit like deep cleaning a festering wound, it hurts, but putting a nice clean comfy sticking plaster on it would just allow the wound to keep rotting.

Tell your counsellor if you feel it is going to fast, and be kind to yourself, take life as gently as you can.

love
pippa

 

[LynneD]

Counselling advice - thanks

I got the counsellor through a carers forum and perhaps should have one that would know about alzheimers. I feel that I have had to explain the disease to her.

Yes I have had CBT (dentist issues) and yes I do use it in everyday life especially when thinking about my Mum. I try to switch off my feelings sometimes just so I can get through the day!

Sorry if I offend anyone but I think I am feeling a type of bereavement but my Mum is still here. A person I know who has Alzheimers told me his wife feels bereaved because she has lost part of her husband.
It means so much to me for your comments.

Lynne

 

[noelphobic]

Sorry if I offend anyone but I think I am feeling a type of bereavement but my Mum is still here. A person I know who has Alzheimers told me his wife feels bereaved because she has lost part of her husband.
It means so much to me for your comments.
Lynne

I think feeling bereft when someone close to you becomes ill is very common and many people here will identify with that. I certainly felt it with my mum and also when my son was diagnosed with type one diabetes at the age of 15. Unfortunately I made the mistake of thinking that because I felt I had already lost my mum then it would be easier to cope with her death when it finally came - it wasn't.

As far as the counselling goes, I would give it a little longer. Sometimes you feel worse before you feel better. Have you been told how many sessions you will have or is it open-ended?

 

[Helen33]

Hello Lynne,

My first query would be to ask whether you know how many sessions of counselling you will be having. If it is for 6 sessions and you are left feeling pretty bad for the rest of the week after a session then I would suggest you talk to your counsellor about whether it is realistic to achieve your agreed goals in the time that you have. If your counselling is open-ended (meaning you can have as much time as you need) then it would be important to share with the counsellor what you have shared with us and perhaps be clear with her what it is that you want to achieve. It does seem to me from what you have written here that you do need time. Try to talk to the counsellor about what it is that you want from her. A good counsellor will be able to work with whatever you say.

Love

 

[Jancis]

Hello Lynne,
I'm not able to advise I'm afraid. I hope that TP is helpful as another source of counselling. I have found it a lifeline.

 

[linda a]

Dont stop

My daughter and i had counselling for over 2 years it makes you understand you and perhaps what you can cope with you will draw your strength from your past ...... and i found family and friends didnt understand i do belive you have to live it to know what its like and this illness is to long for people to want to ask you how you are its a very lonley time for carers .....so keep the counselling up and look after you

 

[Skye]

Dear Lynne

I've just had three counselling sessions, and I relate to the feeling ill afterwards. After my first session I was sick and dizzy for a couple of days, and had to keep lying down.

I also relate to the feeling of bereavement. In my case it was when my husband went into care, and I almost broke down. My counsellor amd GP have both said to me that this is why I have been relatively OK about losing John, I did my grieving then.

Dementia is a long drawn-out period of bereavenment, we lose our loved on e gradually, over a period of years. It's not surprising you are grieving.

As for the sessions, I agree that you need to talk to your counsellor about how ill you are feeling. She should have picked up on this anyway, and perhaps is waiting for you to tell her.

Could you ask your GP for a referral to a counsellor? My own GP suggested this, they employ a counsellor one day a week at the surgery. What you say to the counsellor is confidential, but she can suggest other avenues to the GP if she feels she is not helping. I don't know how widespread this is, but it's worth asking.

But in the end, you have to go with your feelings, and if you feel that it is doing you more harm than good, you should say so.

Love,

 

[JackMac]

Hi Lynne

I think stick with it too.

I go to an Alexander teacher for my neck pain and she is also trained in pyschotherapy. So every time I see her I end up crying. What I have noticed is that my neck pain goes after I've had a good bawl so it must be doing some good.
It doesn't make the emotional pain go away though as the problems are still there when I leave. BUT without it I think I'd feel worse.

It's worth giving it a bit longer I think.
xx

 

[sunny]

"I think I expected someone to tell me how to cope and they can't."

I think you have answered the question about whether counselling is for you or not. Counselling cannot TELL you how to cope.