I dont want to feel like this, I feel bitter, I'm tired, Mom has VD Ive looked after her for three years, but after a bad fall and a spell in hospital I realise that she cannot be on her own, I have moved out of my home leaving my partner and my two lovely dogs,I'm sleeping on a single bed in a tiny room. mom gets scared on her own so I spend all day with her not leaving her alone, my partner comes for a couple of hours then leaves to be with my dogs. its been hard today, mom has been talking gibberish most of the day, she can walk ok but won't, I end up almost picking her up,my back hurts. she is doubly incontinent so I'm sinking in a sea of washing, Its time for her to go to bed, she wont get up, I lift her up pulling my back again, we struggle to bed, I get her in, she then says she is weeing, the pads don't hold it, so I am now struggling to get her up and change the bed again, I'm snappy, she says sorry, I feel bad, I took her up in bed, she looks so tiny and vunerable, I hate myself, I sit in tears, another night gone, start again tomorrow !!!!!!!!!!!!!Its just another day in the life of living with Dementia
Feeling low, hate myself
- Thread starter ceabea
- Start date
Hi Ceabea, you sound like you're in crisis. Have you had a carers assessment? Do you have any help with your mum? You shouldn't have to cope with this level of care on your own and certainly shouldn't be hurting your body. I'm sorry i don'y know if you've posted before but it seems to me you need to have help. xxxxxxxxxx
Dear Ceabea, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so low. You have sacrificed so much and things sound really bad please don't hate yourself. You are trying your best in the most difficult circumstances. What you are going through sounds horrendous, you need a rest. Can you arrange respite? You really need a break, you need to take care of yourself too. Very important! You can't do everything yourself.
I hope you can get a good night's rest then on Monday try to arrange some help. Thinking of you, take care xxxxx
I hope you can get a good night's rest then on Monday try to arrange some help. Thinking of you, take care xxxxx
Thank you for hugs x I havn't had carers assesment yet I'm on all sorts of waiting lists but nothing yet.just feeling sorry for myself, maybe better tommorow. thank you for just answering, it means a lot to know someone is out there. xxxxxxxxxxx
You shouldn't be doing this all alone! The whole situation is not right for you. You shouldn't be parted from your husband and your mother needs much more help than you alone can give.
Have you contacted social services to see what help can be given? Your mother should have an assessment of her needs and you need an assessment of your needs as a carer. Once these have been made they are the gateway to many benefits for you both. Phone up your local Social Service (the town hall should have the phone number of who you need to speak to). If you have done this and have been waiting more than a week, keep phoning and badgering them. Let them know that this is an emergency and that you cannot carry on alone in this way.
You also need to ask the doctor to send in an occupational therapy team who will assess what aids around the house can be given to help you with your mother. Also the doctor is the key to getting the incontinence team to assess your mother's incontinence needs.
There must be many support groups in your local area to help you as a carer to cope and also to give you advice on what help you are entitled to.
Please forgive me if all these things are already in place but you do not mention them in your post.
xxTinaT
Have you contacted social services to see what help can be given? Your mother should have an assessment of her needs and you need an assessment of your needs as a carer. Once these have been made they are the gateway to many benefits for you both. Phone up your local Social Service (the town hall should have the phone number of who you need to speak to). If you have done this and have been waiting more than a week, keep phoning and badgering them. Let them know that this is an emergency and that you cannot carry on alone in this way.
You also need to ask the doctor to send in an occupational therapy team who will assess what aids around the house can be given to help you with your mother. Also the doctor is the key to getting the incontinence team to assess your mother's incontinence needs.
There must be many support groups in your local area to help you as a carer to cope and also to give you advice on what help you are entitled to.
Please forgive me if all these things are already in place but you do not mention them in your post.
xxTinaT
Awww Ceabea - I am unable to offer advice from my experiences (someone will be along that can soon, I'm sure) but I think it may well be time for you to consider asking for help from social services, sorry if you already have.
If a care package can be set up for your Mum - you can then be there for her AND have time for you and your partner (who sounds really supportive). You need to have time for you and take care of yourself, especially your back.
Coming on here doesn't make the problems go away but a good rant will make you feel ready to face the next challenge
Meercat
If a care package can be set up for your Mum - you can then be there for her AND have time for you and your partner (who sounds really supportive). You need to have time for you and take care of yourself, especially your back.
Coming on here doesn't make the problems go away but a good rant will make you feel ready to face the next challenge
Meercat
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Ceebee, Tina's right, you need to badger them to take notice! I hope you have the strength to keep phoning and phoning so that someone comes to your aid soon xxxxxxx
Dear ceabea,
Big hugs to you, thinking of you. You sound like a pretty amazing person. But you need help to care.
I'm so sorry things are so hard. You should be able to get help soon.
Take care love pied x
Big hugs to you, thinking of you. You sound like a pretty amazing person. But you need help to care.
I'm so sorry things are so hard. You should be able to get help soon.
Take care love pied x
Sometimes I think the only way is to start yelling. It seems these days that the louder you shout and make a fuss, the quicker you will be dealt with. A very poor state of affairs.
You really need some help. Its wearing you down, and I'm sure your mum, in her lucid moments, is probably not feeling too good about the sitution either.
Hope you can get it all sorted out soon.
H x
You really need some help. Its wearing you down, and I'm sure your mum, in her lucid moments, is probably not feeling too good about the sitution either.
Hope you can get it all sorted out soon.
H x
Ceabea, writing down your thoughts and feelings can relieve so much tension. Receiving replies and support from TP friends can bring so much comfort.
I hope you have relieved some of your tension and gained comfort from posting.
Sounds like a call to Social Services could be beneficial and as I was once told by a fellow TPer, It is the squeaky wheel that gets the oil!
I hope tomorrow is a better day.
Hazel
I hope you have relieved some of your tension and gained comfort from posting.
Sounds like a call to Social Services could be beneficial and as I was once told by a fellow TPer, It is the squeaky wheel that gets the oil!
I hope tomorrow is a better day.
Hazel
Hi Ceabea. I really hope you wake to a better day. You mustn't carry on like this. You just can't. Keep posting on here over the weekend, if it helps, and you'll get continued support. First thing Monday morning, ring social services and tell them what you've told us. Thinking of you, and sending a hug.
Ceabea, I'm very sorry to read about your situation, it must be horrendous. Speaking as someone who has a dodgy back, I have learnt now to stand back and ask for help with any lifting or handling. Please summon the strength to chase SS for some help on Monday. It's not right to compromise your own health. You are giving your mum your level best but you need assistance very soon. YOU ARE IMPORTANT TOO!
Thinking of you and wishing there was more I could do.
Kind regards Deborah
Thinking of you and wishing there was more I could do.
Kind regards Deborah
You are an absolute saint. There is no way I would have done what you have. You need help and now.
Hello, ceabea
I'm appalled to read of your situation. It sounds to me as if your Mum should be in full-time care - she is doubly incontinent and needs someone with her all the time, not least the fact that you need to lift her and practically carry her around etc.
This situation is surely intolerable; also, you are as important as your Mother, surely, as is your relationship. You shouldn't have had to move out!
What waiting lists are you on? You need URGENT support - try Emergency Social Services for your area and put your foot down!
Please do something about this. My Mum has VAD also and is not yet at the stage of your Mother. When/if this happens she WILL be in care. I'm setting up my own business and have no intention of being her full-time carer!
I'm appalled to read of your situation. It sounds to me as if your Mum should be in full-time care - she is doubly incontinent and needs someone with her all the time, not least the fact that you need to lift her and practically carry her around etc.
This situation is surely intolerable; also, you are as important as your Mother, surely, as is your relationship. You shouldn't have had to move out!
What waiting lists are you on? You need URGENT support - try Emergency Social Services for your area and put your foot down!
Please do something about this. My Mum has VAD also and is not yet at the stage of your Mother. When/if this happens she WILL be in care. I'm setting up my own business and have no intention of being her full-time carer!
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I can say no more than everyone else has already said. My mum is 93 and has Vascular Dementia so I know exactly how you feel. I think you need to phone SW and tell them you are in crisis. They must have an emergency team on at the weekend and this sounds like an emergency to me. Take care. x
Dear Ceabea, Get yourself some help, now, before you make yourself too ill to be able to help your mother any more. It does sound as if she might be better in residential care, where you could visit her frequently and have quality time with her, while getting back to your partner and dogs for real life.
My husband and I are camped out in mother's spare room, because she can't cope on her own (93, being cared for by my same-aged father until he died 11 months ago) and we live 62 miles away, but we have it very easy because she's continent and mobile and safe on her own a few hours: we've agreed that if she gets to the stage where she can't be left, or gets doubly incontinent, then the balance will shift and she will have to leave her lovely house with its views and garden and go into a home to prevent ruining our lives. Every family balances things differently, but take care of yourself and your partner. You have lives which will continue beyond this disease.
(((HUG)) for now. Pam
My husband and I are camped out in mother's spare room, because she can't cope on her own (93, being cared for by my same-aged father until he died 11 months ago) and we live 62 miles away, but we have it very easy because she's continent and mobile and safe on her own a few hours: we've agreed that if she gets to the stage where she can't be left, or gets doubly incontinent, then the balance will shift and she will have to leave her lovely house with its views and garden and go into a home to prevent ruining our lives. Every family balances things differently, but take care of yourself and your partner. You have lives which will continue beyond this disease.
(((HUG)) for now. Pam
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Dear Chris,
I'm sorry to read your latest post as I know you have had so many problems since your Mum was in hospital and you wrote about the unhelpful SW, also it seems that Mum is resistant to the idea of strangers caring for her. You say about waiting lists. How long have you been on them, it seems to me that things may be getting worse and people are not aware of this.
Chris, this is not just about Mum, it is about you. An injured carer cannot care, simple as that. Then, what would happen. It is bad enough trying to help someone who can co-operate, I can't tell from your post whether Mum resists your help at all. If so, this is even worse. (And yes, I have done - bar the injury!)
Get back to SS and tell it like it is. Also, your GP. He may have a way into the social care system. Someone needs to get you in touch with an occupational therapist. Also the incontinence issue, again your GP can refer but it may have take a while. Ask your chemist if they can order anything more substantial than whatever they stock.
Keep posting Chris and let us know how you are getting on.
Mary
x
I'm sorry to read your latest post as I know you have had so many problems since your Mum was in hospital and you wrote about the unhelpful SW, also it seems that Mum is resistant to the idea of strangers caring for her. You say about waiting lists. How long have you been on them, it seems to me that things may be getting worse and people are not aware of this.
Chris, this is not just about Mum, it is about you. An injured carer cannot care, simple as that. Then, what would happen. It is bad enough trying to help someone who can co-operate, I can't tell from your post whether Mum resists your help at all. If so, this is even worse. (And yes, I have done - bar the injury!)
Get back to SS and tell it like it is. Also, your GP. He may have a way into the social care system. Someone needs to get you in touch with an occupational therapist. Also the incontinence issue, again your GP can refer but it may have take a while. Ask your chemist if they can order anything more substantial than whatever they stock.
Keep posting Chris and let us know how you are getting on.
Mary
x
