My lovely mum has gone

[faith01]

Just felt the need to let you know my lovely mum who has suffered with dementia for the last 10 years sadly passed away on November 10.
she had been in hospital for 7 weeks following a couple of severe infections but she was doing really well and was a lot brighter and less confused than she had been in a long time but it was decided that she needed 24/7 care due to deteriorating health, so we found her a lovely nursing home not too far away from us all, and she had been in there one day when during her first night she suffered a massive stroke and we sat with her on and off for 6 days during which she never regained consciousness.
We hate ourselves because we think we did this to her by putting her in a home although the doctors and nurses assure us she would have had this stroke wherever she was, and it is better she had it with people around her than sat at home alone during the night (which is what would have happened if she had still been at home. )
But how do you we get over the feeling that we let her down because that is what we are feeling at this moment.
Mums funeral was last week and every time I saw her in the chapel of rest I kept asking for her forgiveness becuse I feel so guilty.
We acted out of kindness at the time, it was best for mum, she would not have been safe at home, she could do very little for herself and was doubly incontinent and needed 2 people to assist with her needs but even though we tell ourselves this all the time, the guilty feeling just won't go away.

we are so sad,

 

[turbo]

Hello Faith, I am so sorry to hear your sad news about your Mum.
Please try and think how well you did to look after your Mum for 10 years. You did not let her down.

Turbo

 

[Sandy]

Dear Faith,

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss, especially as you are such a new member and have just started to discover the support that TP can give. I hope that we can support you in this difficult time.

It is not the right time to start trying to 'sort out' your emotions - your head will tell you one thing and possibly your heart another.

Sometimes I think we confuse deep sadness and frustration with guilt, I'm not sure why.

But I am sure that your mother would not want you to be feeling guilty at a time like this.

Take care,

 

[lin1]

Please acceot my condolences

 

[noelphobic]

My mum died 2 months ago. also following a stroke - at least that was put on her certificate as the primary cause of death but she had been in very poor health for some time.

I don't feel guilty - I thought I would - and know it is a horrible emotion to feel. I am sure you did everything you could for your mum and I hope that feeling will pass.

Take care of yourself and keep in touch.

 

[piedwarbler]

Dear Faith

I am sorry to read of your mum's passing and would like to send my sincere condolences to you in your sadness.

If it is any comfort I don't see any reason for you to feel guilty. If your mum had been at home it could have been worse. I don't think the move to a home brought on the stroke at all.

Take care x

 

[knitone]

I'm sorry to hear your mother has died.
It sounds as though you did every thing you could for her, and that you loved her very much.
You do what you can, and you did it with love, which counts for a lot.
I do hope you stop feeling guilty.

 

[sleepless]

In time you will feel differently, it is just the shock, I'm sure. You will be comforted by knowing you were able to be with your mum after the stroke, and you will know you did your best for her. She was blessed to have you; you have every right to be sad, but no need to feel guilty.
sleepless

 

[creativesarah]

Sending you sympathy and I think sleepless summed it up very well. Don't let your mind dwell on what wasnt but on what you achieved for and with your Mum

 

[sistermillicent]

Faith, I know that you base decisions on what is going on at the time, and of course if you knew that you could have coped with not putting your mum in a home for that specific length of time you would not have done it. But you didn't know how long things would be so difficult, so you made the best decision you could. I have done exactly the same. What I have decided was the best I could do at the time.

Please accept my condolences, and lose that guilt because you sound like you are lovely and caring.

love Pippa xx

 

[larivy]

you did all you could for her and you was with her to the end you are in a no win if she had died at home on her own you would have felt guilty you have nothing to feel guilty about please except my condulences love larivy

 

[DeborahBlythe]

I'm very sorry to read about the loss of your mother. Please accept my sincere condolences. Please keep posting on this site if you have time. I think you may find it helpful

 

[christine_batch]

So sorry to read of your Mother's passing.

Sincere condolences.

Christine

 

[Tender Face]

Dear Faith, my sincere condolences to all the family. We faced a similar guilt when my MIL passed away years ago. She had been transferred into care intended purely as respite (brain cancer not dementia) and passed away within 24 hours of admission.

We were very much comforted by staff advising us they saw this scenario so often and believed it was because the person had reached the point they knew it was ‘time’ and felt safe and secure enough to let go.

Easy for me to say because I am not in the midst of your grief, but each time you feel that guilt, I would try to think of the alternative – i.e. had she been at home ...? You have already expressed the logic in placing her in a NH ... but logic tends to fly out of the window at times like this, doesn’t it? I hope in time you will find that peace and see your actions as nothing but kindness with absolutely nothing to feel guilt about.

Love, Karen, x

 

[faith01]

just want to thank every single one of you for your kindness and words of comfort. I know from reading other posts on this forum that guilt plays a very very big part in any carers life and obviously this all comes to a head once a loved one passes.
In our heads we know we did everything we could for mum, as otherwise she would not have managed to stay in her own home for as long as she did, but there is just a little bit of our hearts that is wishing things could have been different.
Of course I am sure this applies to all of us on here... if things were differernt they would not have this dreafdul illness in the first place!
I am coming to realise that we can only do what we can when we can and always with the best intentions.
We miss mum more and more each day and it is so hard because we alwasy feel we should be doing something... going to see her, doing her washing .. taking her meals round and we have done it for so many years it is hard to just have this taken away (as much as it is a burden some times!!) but oh how I wish I could just go round one more time and hear her shout at me or grumble that her dinner is 'rubbish'
but we know she is now free of this terrible dementia and reunited with my dad .... so that has to be a good thing
Thanks again to everyone you are so so kind.
xxxxxxxxxx