After months of trying I think mum has finally got a respite place in a nice EMI nursing home this weekend. I don't know how long for but after the last few years and especially the nightmare months since last November I hope it is for ever. I don't care if people think that sounds bad, I want to put something on here to let people know that we are not all lovely caring people. Sometimes we just don't want to do it any more, and that is the truth.
I don't want any more of this.
- Thread starter sistermillicent
- Start date
Dear SM, I just want to send you a hug. You are a caring person, but you are tired and you need a break from it all. I do understand, I wish sometimes I didn't have to do all this. And I know that so many cope with so much more than me.
Please please don't put yourself down.
xx
Please please don't put yourself down.
xx
Sistermillicent, hi
I am so glad that you have respite organised and at a nice place too, I totally sympathise with your sentiments and hope that she settles and you get as much time as you need to get your head together, if it's for visits because she stays there then you have done a wonderful job.
Take good care of yourself with love from Jo
I am so glad that you have respite organised and at a nice place too, I totally sympathise with your sentiments and hope that she settles and you get as much time as you need to get your head together, if it's for visits because she stays there then you have done a wonderful job.
Take good care of yourself with love from Jo
Sistermillicent, don't feel bad about reaching breaking point. Everyone has one, and when you get there, you have to get help, for your own sake as much as that sake of the person you're caring for. Your personal resources and energy are exhausted, so now you're doing the best thing for your mum and taking her to a place where she'll be well cared-for.
Sending you a big hug.
Love
Christine
xxx
Sending you a big hug.
Love
Christine
xxx
hi
hi dont worry we all feel or felt like tis at some time my dad was same back in feb he could not take anymore it was either mam went in to care or dad would not be here now !!!! so SS took it out of dads hands nad mam ended up in an EMI care home
hi dont worry we all feel or felt like tis at some time my dad was same back in feb he could not take anymore it was either mam went in to care or dad would not be here now !!!! so SS took it out of dads hands nad mam ended up in an EMI care home
Dear Pippa
Even lovely caring people cannot work miracles, and that is what is needed sometimes for us to carry on.
sistermillicent.....do not be so hard on yourself, this disease is so hard to cope with and you sound like you are doing a wonderful job, but there comes a time when in certain situations it is just not possible to continue to have 100% responsability anymore.
My Mum was admitted to an EMI Residential Care Home in Sept and overall it has been the best thing to have happened, even if it was a very rocky road to get there (to say the least).
Only people on here know how hard it is to care for someone with Dementia and the trials and tribulations it brings on a constant 24/7 basis.......so very hard to cope with
Do not think you are an uncaring and bad person for feeling like you do, it is just that you seem to have reached breaking point. Anyone who is walking a similar path to yours at the moment will know exactly how you feel and will have felt or will feel the same themselves at some point. These feelings do not make you an uncaring person!
X
My Mum was admitted to an EMI Residential Care Home in Sept and overall it has been the best thing to have happened, even if it was a very rocky road to get there (to say the least
).Only people on here know how hard it is to care for someone with Dementia and the trials and tribulations it brings on a constant 24/7 basis.......so very hard to cope with
Do not think you are an uncaring and bad person for feeling like you do, it is just that you seem to have reached breaking point. Anyone who is walking a similar path to yours at the moment will know exactly how you feel and will have felt or will feel the same themselves at some point. These feelings do not make you an uncaring person!
X
your exhausted and desperateNOT A BAD CARER or a bad person for that matter
Its often caused by this horrid system where we have to fight for every little thing.
just watching the ones we care for deteriorate pulls us down.
None of us gets it right all the time.
but I do know this, bad carers DO NOT bother coming on here
I hope the respite care gives you some breathing space, if it needs to become permanant, then you have done your best and thats all anyone can do
Sistermillicent, your post is so moving, you do seem to have just hit rock-bottom, this is not a fault, it is a reaction to what you have gone through.
As has been said, if you hadn't been a caring person, you wouldn't have done what you have so far, and you are still looking out for mums' interests, it speaks volumes that you said 'nice' nursing home.
You need to get your mental and physical strength back, and be the 'you' you need to be. My admiration goes to you, and all other carers. We all know there is far more going on than could ever be written down.
Take care of yourself, no condemnation, as Mary said, none of us can work miracles...I think we all know what one of our first would be if we could.
My best wishes to you for strength and comfort.
Love, Necion. x
As has been said, if you hadn't been a caring person, you wouldn't have done what you have so far, and you are still looking out for mums' interests, it speaks volumes that you said 'nice' nursing home.
You need to get your mental and physical strength back, and be the 'you' you need to be. My admiration goes to you, and all other carers. We all know there is far more going on than could ever be written down.
Take care of yourself, no condemnation, as Mary said, none of us can work miracles...I think we all know what one of our first would be if we could.
My best wishes to you for strength and comfort.
Love, Necion. x
Thank you all for your replies, it is true that it is a very rocky road, and I think it makes you feel useless when things you try don't work and your phone calls aren't answered and carers don't materialise and homes say "no we can't have her". I thought maybe I hadn't done it right, should have known that she needed EMI care, not residential,should have realised how ill my dad was too etc.
I care, of course, but I am finding I hate myself and the things I am having to do. I can't think how anyone could feel otherwise in this situation, but I also know it is best in the circumstances - to make it harder I am having to really push this respite with my dad as he is almost helpless with grief and needs the break far more than I do.
Your support is lovely and I think I will return to read these replies many times in the next few days.
I care, of course, but I am finding I hate myself and the things I am having to do. I can't think how anyone could feel otherwise in this situation, but I also know it is best in the circumstances - to make it harder I am having to really push this respite with my dad as he is almost helpless with grief and needs the break far more than I do.
Your support is lovely and I think I will return to read these replies many times in the next few days.
Pippa, I'm sure you have done it right. I think I could have more or less written the above quote during the last 2 months, I wrote a thread saying "what do I have to do to get a response" which was a rhetorical question really. I know what I need to do, but I do sometimes feel that I'm trying to run up a "down" escalator.
Sending love and support
Mary
x
sistermillicent, not sure if it is wrong but your first post made me giggle, you sounded like a defiant child stamping her feet trying to convince us!!
I know how you feel, when you think enough is enough!! but a home isn't the end it just brings a different type of stress!! So keep on keeping on and I am sure that no-one wants others to view themselves as 'holier than thou' carers!
Heather xx
I know how you feel, when you think enough is enough!! but a home isn't the end it just brings a different type of stress!! So keep on keeping on and I am sure that no-one wants others to view themselves as 'holier than thou' carers!
Heather xx
Hello, sistermillicent,
I hope all goes well with the respite, and you can have some time out from the awful pressures you've been enduring. You will need to 'let go' of the pressure, shake it off, because it's been part of your life for so long. Be kind to yourself, do something special, or nothing at all -- it's respite for you.
If your mum's stay in the home becomes permanent, you'll still have a part to play, but you yourself can decide how much. I would just add that your father may need some support when your mum does go into permanent care -- it can be so hard for spouses as you'll know from reading posts on here -- but it does sound as if it would be for the best.
Thinking of you,
sleepless.
I hope all goes well with the respite, and you can have some time out from the awful pressures you've been enduring. You will need to 'let go' of the pressure, shake it off, because it's been part of your life for so long. Be kind to yourself, do something special, or nothing at all -- it's respite for you.
If your mum's stay in the home becomes permanent, you'll still have a part to play, but you yourself can decide how much. I would just add that your father may need some support when your mum does go into permanent care -- it can be so hard for spouses as you'll know from reading posts on here -- but it does sound as if it would be for the best.
Thinking of you,
sleepless.
Dear Pippa,
You are a wonderful, caring daughter who has coped amazingly well with the hardest possible situation that life can throw at us. I hope you enjoy a peaceful respite period and your mother is really well looked after. It sounds like you have arrived at another milestone. I have not had to endure anywhere near the grief that you have and i feel guilty for moaning about my plight on this forum.
love Jancis xxx
You are a wonderful, caring daughter who has coped amazingly well with the hardest possible situation that life can throw at us. I hope you enjoy a peaceful respite period and your mother is really well looked after. It sounds like you have arrived at another milestone. I have not had to endure anywhere near the grief that you have and i feel guilty for moaning about my plight on this forum.
love Jancis xxx
Hello Sistermillicent
Hi, You are a very carering person the "care " you have shown me in your P.Ms proves that & it is the same "Care" that you are able to give to your Mum/Dad and i do hope the respite works out well for your Mum & your Dad is able to have a much needed "break"/ and he has a good rest.
Life is never easy and am sure you have choosen the correct sort of "Care" for your Mum
Best Wishes to you all and take care
Lots of Love from Grove x x x
Hi, You are a very carering person the "care " you have shown me in your P.Ms proves that & it is the same "Care" that you are able to give to your Mum/Dad and i do hope the respite works out well for your Mum & your Dad is able to have a much needed "break"/ and he has a good rest.
Life is never easy and am sure you have choosen the correct sort of "Care" for your Mum
Best Wishes to you all and take care
Lots of Love from Grove x x x
